Sharing Christmas

I didn't spend Christmas Day with my DD for about 12 years as she lived in Devon & we lived in Middlesex (Surrey) but always saw her around Christmas.

3 years ago I went to stay with my DD for Christmas (she insisted as it was 1st one after I was widowed), magical with 4 year old DGS waking up at 5.30!!!! I lived in Somerset then. Last year I had moved to Devon (about 10 miles from DD) so I arrived about 10.00 Christmas morning & watched DGS open rest of his presents, lovely Lunch & "kicked out" at 3.00 (my DD's words not mine), the same will happen this year . I don't need to be there first thing as he will be so excited to open my presents & show me what he's got, he also loves giving presents to other people & watching them open themI do feel fortunate but other set of GPs are "bah humbugs" in their own way

Yorkshiregal Im not going to the cemetery on Christmas Day. We have a special place in the forest where we go to think of our lost loved ones. This involves a beautiful forest walk of over a mile to the top of a hill where theres stunning views over the forest and you can feel true peace and serenity. Some of my families ashes have been scattered here. After we will walk to a village pub for a warming drink. There will be nothing morbid in what I plan to do, and my son chose to do this with me.
I am very lucky to live in such a beautiful part of the country - but not very good at taking photos of it!.

Dresden .. I was very careful in the email I sent. It was only sent because son is working away for the next five days, I am away on Thursday - Sunday too so I hoped we could clear things up before then. Defensive was exactly how I think he felt, hence the man-sulk.

Farnorth I wouldnt describe this family as 'gregarious' I'm giggling here at this thought because they are so opposite. They are like a tight unit and none of them do anything without the other. I'm not meaning to sound like I dislike them, they are a nice family. They just want to have this Christmas together (all four days)

Butterflykisses.. I hadnt realised how much having a little one back in my life again would set off the past hurt. 28 years is a long time and Ive crossed many rivers since then .. This is the first time Ive found myself drowning in a long time ..
Thankyou for your kind words x

IMO putting down your feelings in an email is fraught with problems. It is too easy to misinterpret the written word without the context of tone and expression. Hopefully, your ds and dil will be understanding though.

I fear that you have to accept that ds is part of a new family now and his primary responsibility is to his own dc and his partner. It sounds as if he was taken aback by the conversation you had with him and it might take him a while to process what you said.

I think you may now have to leave the topic alone and just show you are very glad to see him and dgc when they visit you at Christmas. I would counsel not mentioning your hurt feelings to him for a while. No-one wants to feel that they have upset their Mum and he will probably feel quite defensive and guilty.

So sorry to hear of the sad death of your baby. I do realise that this is a very difficult time for you and I hope that you will find peace and hope at Christmas.

Not coming to Mary's wasn't the problem, YG.

I have to say this, and you might think me insensitive, but...there is always a but....going to a cemetery is not everyone's idea of having fun on Christmas day. By all means go yourself, but do not expect others to do the same. Perhaps that is the reason they do not want to come to you?

Get your invitation for next year in first I say! Then watch them try and wriggle out of it, if what is at the bottom of this is they just do not want to come. Then you can ask why they don't want to come.

This day and age it seems there has to be a 'discussion' before anyone does anything or goes anywhere.

Having read a bit more of your back-story MarySunshine, I understand why you feel as you do. This Christmas was always going to be hard for you. Obviously, all the memories of 28 years ago will flood back.... and you need to allow yourself that time to grieve. It sounds as if you have never been given the support you should have received after losing your son. Take care MarySunshine, allow yourself some time to "be" and remember that good deeds might seem to go unnoticed, but don't change the person you are....
lots of love x

Gregarious people, like your DiL's family, would expect you to join in with the jollity. If you don't, they'd see that as your own choice, not selfishness on their part.

I say this as a non-gregarious person who has encountered bafflement from the more lively party types, in the past.

Yes Momof3 I hadnt realised quite how hard this would hit me this year. Having a little one back in our family has reopened some very deep emotions for me. I cannot and will not allow this to rule the Christmas's to come, like you say this is a new generation and should be free from the past. I cannot change this for this year but I do not want it to be the pattern for the future. I intend to get myself some sort of help in the new year.

I didnt use entitled or belong in the email I sent, although I did use the word 'unfair' when trying to talk to him. I too think the DILs family are being selfish (but havent said this) but they see no wrong as they have always had the whole family together at Christmas and indeed every other thing in the year there is to celebrate.
The email I sent was purely to try and put things right. I really wasnt expecting my son to get into a man-sulk or too see nothing wrong with her family monopolising the Christmas.

I am sorry that you too have suffered the loss of losing a little one.. Thankyou for your reply it makes much sense to me x

You went through such a traumatic time in losing your son and he is never going to be forgotten??.

It sounds however that you could do with some help to be able to deal with your feelings around this time of year as it sounds like your son has taken on the responsibility upto now of supporting you
through this time.

Your son has offered to come with you on xmas day to the resting place which shows that you have raised a good man but he
is not responsible for your emotional health.

I would make sure that your son and daughter in law know that you are going to work on your own feelings and they are
not responsible for this. Also that you love them deeply and your grandson and next xmas you would like to invite them around for whatever time would suit them best and go all out for celebrating xmas and have a candle burning for your husband and beautiful boy.

Your grandson heralds the start of a new generation free from the past.

Do not email your son and daughter in law with any more of how hurt you are but how you are excited for the future and seeing their family grow.

Your daughter in laws family if they are aware that you were uninvited then they
have been completely selfish and mean.

Be aware of the language you use and I hope you have not used "belong" and "entitled" with your son or daughter in law. If you have then I would apologise, the baby isn't a possession to be shared equally. The parents are the two people responsible for the baby.

Just in case you were wondering I lost my first baby boy and very nearly lost my second boy in less than a year

I hope it does MarySunshine. ((hugs))

Thankyou all for your kind messages. I know Christmas time is painful for so many of us as we seem to miss our loved ones so much more at what is supposed to be a family time of the year. It doesnt matter if we are suffering bereavement, estrangement or just circumstance or distance, our emotions always seem to run deeper at this time.
Since starting this post a few days ago, I have been on a journey of so many different emotions. One reply suggested I wrote things down but I dont need to now. Just being here in part of this thread has been enough for me. And I have a learnt a little something from every reply here.
Most of all I have come to realise that being a Nan to this new little baby is not going to be just about the happiness he can bring to my life. Its going to raise my own sadness and bring back my own painful memories. I guess I hadnt expected this.

Following the little show-down with my son yesterday, I have now sent him & DIL an email explaining why I am feeling so hurt. I hope this will put things right between us.

Mary your description of the loss of your first little son was just heart wrenching. No wonder it was so important for you to see your baby grandson on his first Christmas. for you. I hope that you get through Christmas without too much pain. Enjoy being a Gran now and that you have many years ahead with the little lad.

Mary, I do feel for you as I'm not a big fan of Christmas either but my reasons are different from yours which seems so terribly sad. Grandchildren have helped to make it much more special and this year I am actually looking forward to it.
If it's any consolation - baby will not know what day it is and hopefully you can see him open his presents himself when he is older which will be much more fun when you see the delight on his face.
I do think it's a lovely gesture that your son will join you walking in the forest on Christmas Day.

Mary

I don't agree that the DIL's family should take precedence. They sound a selfish lot, quite happy to push another person into the background to ensure they have first dibs at the celebrations, knowing you're on your own on what is, for most of us, a very important day. I can understand why you're angry and upset, mary. I don't agree that the Son should stay quiet either; this IS his mother, and someone needs to stand up for her as she's powerless to stand up for herself in this scenario.

And as for daughters favouring their own families - no. Each Gran should be treated with the same respect regardless of whose parent they happen to be. You are her family now, like it or not, and she needs to treat you with the same respect as your son is treating her own family.

It's not a case of being pushy or entitled, either. It's about fairness.

I hope you find a solution.

Familys are split all over the place and at xmas time its difficult for everyone to fit together all at the same time. So compromise is needed and its best to just go with the flow. Just be grateful you have someone to share xmas with there are some of us that dont.

mary .

Lisalou Your post wasnt up when I started my reply, but I have just read it now and I agree with all you say Thankyou.
I am going to have to be the one who needs to make changes for the future, and I will because I love my son and lovely little grandson and I do not ever wish for there to be conflict in our family ..

MagicWriter I guess Im finding this difficult because until this year there was no baby, son & DIL lived separately and we always managed Christmas without any problems. Son was with me, having a small, quiet but pleasant day, DIL was with her family, and he would go and join them after dinner on Christmas day.
I also remember my childhood Christmas' where all the family got together for a 'traditional' Christmas as my Mum liked nothing more than entertaining. I guess you are right and this is a sign of the times where everything has become OTT and too commercialised.

I just cannot cope with being around so many people or having an OTT day, so will have to accept the change of plan and have my son here on Christmas Eve, if I am to see them at all this Christmas. Maybe next year I will try and hype myself up and invite them all to mine for the afternoon on Christmas Day!
I hope you enjoy your big family Christmas, its lovely to have something to look forward to .

LuckyLegs9 I guess there are many people out there who have sadly lost someone close to them at Christmastime. In which ever way we move on, this will always leave a shadow of sadness on what should be a happy family time of year. I am sorry to hear about your sad loss at this time.
I go into a sort of 'self destruct' mode in December. My first born son died 28 years ago. But every December all the pain of this comes back to me full on. It was his first Christmas and he was not yet six months old. His presents were wrapped and around the tree and I guess, just like my son now, I was really looking forward to babies first Christmas. He was taken from me, suddenly, just a few days before and I had to come home from the hospital without him. I took all his presents to the hospital for the children there and I have never liked Christmas since.
Because I had a second son two years later, I realised I couldnt let him miss out on Christmas, but I always kept it very small and simple.

My son is in a difficult position as he has his Mum who dislikes Christmas for the above reason, and his partner and her family who love everything about it. This year he has chosen to join the clan because he now has his own son. I realise I have to try to accept this and need to change my way of thinking for the future. I guess this year has caught me for six.

I would also just like to say how nice it is that so many here on this site come forward to others. This is the first time I have ever posted up any kind of personal problem. I have gone through many different emotions over the past week and although nothing can take away the hurt I am feeling this year, I have come to realise I need to make changes for myself and move forward. I have only realised this through my own writings here and through the responses, suggestions and input from my original post.
For that I thank you all x

I have read I think, most of the posts on this thread, and it seems to me that there are two, maybe three, major factors here. On one hand, I cannot conceive leaving a close family member out of the festivities, under any circumstance. If there are now beds, I would get an inflatable mattress and everyone would be sleeping in my house, regardless of how tight it might be. The "no room at the inn" concept doesn't wash, after all, (and I am not religious, mind) was that not the reason that Jesus was born in a stable?
Two; the reason given for leaving the OP out, to a certain extent, seems to be based on the fact that "she doesnt enjoy Christmas as much"; She certainly isn't going to enjoy it more by leaving her to one side. Also, having lost a child at this time of year, would make the celebrations pale, methinks. Another reason not to leave her out.
In my family Christmas is a big thing, and my kids all flock home for Christmas. Until now, this has not been an issue, but if it were in the future, I would imagine that we would reach some sort of consensus. I know my eldest has staunchly told her boyfriend that she wishes to be here for Christmas day, and I know that she has arranged to spend a different festivity with his family (in this country there is also a big celebration on January 6th, the day of the Three Wise Men) and, having consulted the boyfriend, he tells me that for his family this day is more important. Were this not the case, I would have talked to his family to see how we could arrange for all to feel included, and would have opened my house to his tribe too.
I have often had friends, and even acquaintances sharing my Christmas table, if they were going to be spending Christmas alone. Some of the most special Christmas days in my life, have included people who were not in my immediate family.
To Mary, I hope you do have a lovely day, and that your walk with your son and grandson makes up, in part for your hurt. I think your son offering this may well be his peacemaking gift, as he is in between a rock and a hard place, poor lad.

Sticking my neck out here, but here goes. Although my husband died at Christmas and I make my own visit, I would not dream of having my children and grandchildren with me and feel that Christmas is for them to enjoy, my memories are mine and are still raw, but children move on, if I am with them, they come first and I would make the visit another time. You can remember people in your heart. Mary has a partner so will not be alone. She works Boxing Day. For some reason her dil and son seem to think she doesn't 'do' Christmas. I believe that Christmas is making lovely memories for the grandchildren, with fun and laughter, if was me I would invite them on a day near to Christmas and push the boat out, I would also drop bye Christmas Day, briefly and look at you grand child's presents and happy face. The time to worry is when they don't want you with them and you are completely alone.

Have read a lot of these posts with interest. Firstly, it is not just sons who can be thoughtless, I have 2 daughters and only spent Xmas day with either or both of them very rarely. I think it is a generational thing. When I was a young wife/mother, it would not have entered my head to leave anyone in the family alone at Xmas. We had mother/mother in law/sisters/brothers ect over on Xmas day / Boxing Day, sometimes more than one at the same time. It wasn't just about the presents in those days, but about being with your family and enjoying each other's company. I have been hurt many times in the past when told ' we are spending Xmas day with just our own family' which, yes, I can understand and just accept it, but it still hurts that although I am family, I am not in 'their' private family. This year we are all having a big family Xmas and I am soooo excited, but it could be the last one as grandkids are growing up and possibly moving out, so it then becomes a different ball game altogether. If the OP is in a job where she has to work over some of the festive period, would it not be better to maybe ask a fellow workmates who does enjoy Xmas, to swap shifts then arrange to go to sons house on one of the days in between? By the sound of things, there will probably be a scrum over who holds the baby anyway!

Thankyou to all for your messages and words of wisdom on this situation. I have spoken to son and it did not go down very well. For those of you who thought the reason was because I wasnt keen
on Christmas .. Ten out ten!
I was told that DIL along with her family always started their Xmas together on Christmas Eve and this will never change. They have been doing this for years, but when we made a plan for me to go to theirs on Xmas Eve, he hadnt even thought about this. He said he changed the plan to him coming to mine as he knew I would hate what they were planning as this is to be their family's biggest and best Christmas yet. Apparently it hadnt been discussed between him and DIL until earlier this week.
I asked him if he thought this was fair to me and he replied that he didnt think I would be bothered as I didnt like Christmas anyway. He said I could 'pop by' at anytime, but the place was already crowded and chaotic and I would hate it.. I told him I had my pride and I wouldnt go where I wasnt wanted
The outcome of this is that he went off in a man sulk, told DIL and I heard her reply to him This is my family's Christmas, why cant your Mum spend hers with her partner!
Theres not much I can say or do now. I wasnt expecting this talk to bring up roses, but at least my eyes have been opened to the fact that they do not see me as a part of their family!

There was one positive though. Son did suggest one thing that pleased me. I always walk in the forest on Christmas day and go to the final resting place of my Dad & son with flowers. He said he would like to come with me and bring baby. I'm pleased about that.

Flipping complicated for many of us