Sharing Christmas

I got fed up with this scenario when I was the DIL with three children so after thirty years never again. I didn't want my children to go through this every year trying to please everyone and not being succeeding. So when the children got married I decided we should take it in turns who should go to whose parents; its us one year and the in laws the next. This has worked well for 10 years but as time has gone by and more children on the scene ideas are changing and we may have to readjust once again, maybe just meet up as a family get together sometime over the Christmas/ New year period.

Personally I like having everyone after Christmas as they are more relaxed and not so worn out. Always a nice day to look forward to and the presents are cheaper after Christmas too!

Sorry you are upset about the arrangements but Christmas is only another day ....you have 364 other days to enjoy with your family and a weekend in Spring where you could enjoy time out with your GC would be wonderful ! Personally I prefer Christmas alone ...each to his own ! My ex H's family were east enders and talk about OTT ! My present husband hates Christmas so he will be in one room and me in another ! Here in France Christmas day is just like any other. Families get together maybe on Christmas eve ,,,,we even had a workman turn up on Christmas day once to start concreting the paths !

You could buy a fold up Z bed (ebay) or a blow up mattress ...so if they say they have no room...hey ho ! sorted ! or you could try Airbnb near the flat ,,you might find someone else on their own who would love to have company....or ask your Salvation Army or Church if they know of any lonely old folk you could visit or somewhere you could help out !

The Christmasses I spent on my own did not bother me at all ,,,but as someone said, everyone is different ! for instance my brother who has always been single used to love his Christmas day off so he would chose to stay in bed until late then get up and watch tv ,,,,,this is what he looked forward to all year ! Normally he was up at 5.30 and off to work !

I would be careful what you say ,,,you might alienate them altogether whereas this way you will get to see your GC sometime ,,,,and think they may one day emigrate to Australia !

i have spent christmas on my own for years however my daughter and grandaughters moved in to live with me about eighteen months ago so i have proper christmasses again.
before they moved in i was on my own as they spent christmas day in their own home.
my son lives 100 miles away and his daughters were rather too small to be carted all the way to mine just for the one day - and i didn't have enough money to pay for petrol to go to see them.
so now i have a proper christmas in my own home on christmas day, the grandaughters go and spend boxing day with their dad and his family and then daughter, grandaughters and i go to see my son and his family - except this year as i'm not able to do a great deal, they're coming to us but not on christmas day.
lovely to have an extended christmas celebration.
so sorry that people have their christmasses "mucked about with" through no fault of theirs and i know a baby's first christmas is important but i got to like christmas day on my own ........... i could get up when i liked and do what i liked when i wanted. and i'm sorry that daughters in law seem to rule the roost and gransnetters are disappointed.

Grandchildren don't "belong" to you. Why make life difficult for their parents

Seems to be ceaseless round of people trying to please others and nobody being happy. Young couples are torn between which set of parents to spend the day with and Grandparents are wanting to have their own children with them. The cycle needs to be broken, NanaMacGeek has the right idea. Spending Christmas helping others can be good or with friends if you don't want to go away.

I too have been very upset by arrangements made by my family at Christmas. Last Christmas was the worse, we only managed to see our GD briefly the day after Boxing day when DS, DIL and DG left DIL's parents at DS's house. DIL's father wasn't well or else they would have come too, not his fault of course but they had been staying for a week over Christmas. I saw on Facebook my DIL said that she had had the best Christmas ever. We all missed them deeply, as my adult children had been alternating Christmas staying with in-laws and us, it was to have been 'our turn'. My 2 sons fell out over this as well. This year, my DH and I are going away. We can celebrate with strangers that won't make huge emotional demands and without the hard work. Are we being selfish? Perhaps, but it's time for change.

MarySunshine

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling hurt. I think there are 2 things going on here - one is you might be spending Christmas Day on your own. I know everyone has given advice - have you perhaps a friend or a sibling you could spend some or all of Christmas Day with? I know it can be a day for self indulgence but also I have seen people made miserable well into January about spending the day alone as it has such emotional significance to some. And it will be easier on your son possibly, if he knows you are not alone on Christmas Day.
Secondly I would be very wary of mentioning anything to DS about your DiL, in consideration he may well be tempted to tell her what you say. I would consider biting my tongue but do say to your son about next year.
But Mary please don't feel upset and make arrangements to not spend it alone.

I'm not really bothered about the Christmas lunch and being there for the whole of Christmas Day as Im a bit of a Bah humbug when it comes to the festive season
I offered to let her family have this Christmas there as Im really not into Christmas in the way they are

I'm sorry for your situation. Do you think that you might have accidently given your DIL the impression that you were not bothered at all about Christmas? When in reality being there on Christmas morning is actually very important to you?

Can you not explain this to your son?

I agree with Louise. Taking it turns about with each set of parents seems fairest.
When I was a child we went to see both grandmothers and then they would both come back to have dinner at our house. Other relatives might also come. We had the grown ups table and the children's table. I think the aim was that as many as possible where in the same place and no-one was left out.
I had Christmas dinner at my flat when I was a single parent. My mother was ill that year and didn't want to cancel anyone. I didn't have enough china or chairs but borrowed them and we just coped. It is not about being perfect or having a huge table etc it is about being altogether.

My husband has gone down with shingles and cannot have contact with elderly or young people. We were planning on providing Christmas lunch but that is now called off.
Don't tell anyone but we are rather looking forward to having a quiet Christmas with our dogs and our feet up.

Hi the way we sort Christmas out is to spend Christmas Day with one set of parents and Boxing Day with the other and change this round on alternate years. We did this as it wasn't possible to fit all the families into one house. This way all parents feel that they are treated equally and no one feels left out. Its worked very well like this for many years and everyone knows what is happening and when and so removes the need for discussion/negotiation.

It is hurtful and thoughtless of sons partner but nobody can insist on rights that they don't actually have. What I'm afraid of Mary, is that it could all get so much worse. I'm not sure if she's a DIL or girlfriend, but if the latter then even your son has only limited rights. Stir up bad feeling, the relationship founders or son has to choose and you may never see your GC again. It's not fair but sometimes we have to accept that others hold all the aces and be happy with what we can get!

My son and DIL live in Portugal and it was baby's 1st Christmas last year and they spent it with DIL's mother. We used Face time and saw him open some presents. (Eat the wrapping paper - throw present on floor!) We spoke to DIL's family, who we love, and had a wonderful time here. This year they are coming here and he will be 18 months old, so it will be very different. We will Face time the family in Portugal again on Christmas Day and I am just so excited to share what time we have here. I'm so lucky that DIL is wonderful and has a brilliant extended family that have embraced us so well.

My son and wife go to her parents in Ireland every other year for a week and we will only see them for a lunch on the Sunday before. They came to us last year but only for one night. It never will be fair and there is little you can do about it without upsetting everyone.

I'm with you on this, lizzie. For all sorts of reasons, Christmas has been dysfunctional since I was in my mid teens. I haven't watched Eastenders for years, but it always seemed that the dramas which befell the inhabitants of Albert Square were tame compared with my Christmases.

I've spent many Christmas Days alone, so I plan for them. I buy myself some really tasty food - the kind of stuff I'd never usually be able to afford - and make sure I have some good DVDs and luxury smellies. Sometimes I don't even get dressed, but make sure I'm wearing my 'film star nightwear'. I ring people up and/or wait for phone calls from others and go to bed unstressed.

I don't have a big family (and even then, it's complicated), so I tend to have have 'proxy Christmases' with each of them, when I invite them individually to a really nice meal between Christmas and New Year or after New Year without all the Christmas tat.

Mary, hopefully you'll have your GC for many years to come. Try to think of your future relationship and being a helpful and loving grandparent. It's not worth falling out over Christmas. Inviting your son with the baby for a couple of hours (maybe not on Christmas Day) sounds like a really good idea. The baby won't know what's going on and it will give you a chance to speak to your son on his own and cuddle the baby without distractions.

You have to remember ur children are a gift for you until they are about 18 years old then you have to let them go, make their own decisions outing your feeling to the back seat. This year we are having a pre Christmas Christmas if that makes sense. Our daughters and their respective children will be with the in laws. Our son and DiL is having a quiet time at home, their last before the baby arrives. It is really hard and u are not I. A unique position. This is baby's first Christmas baby won't understand a thing. There is time to have Christmas fun with the Gc in years to come. Have you thought about volunteering somewhere on Christmas Day. You won't feel isolated and left out and will be bring joy to others.

I agree with MaggieMay69 and Sugarpufffairy. I'd be hurt too if I was invited then uninvited. Not nice to feel that one is excluded from a special family day: Son and DiL should be sensitive to that.
We've always invited everyone: taking turns to host the big day with DH's brother we included both sets of GPS (now all sadly gone) and my Sister IL's parents and brother too! The spirit of Christmas isn't just for the 'religious' either.

yes, families.... add sibling fallouts/rivalry, a daughter who drinks to much & is awful to be around....
staying home & hosting all, oops! no, change of plan all going to daughter no 2,

ooops! children of daughter no 1 don't want to go if their mom is going to be there!
change of plan, daughter no 2 has cancelled!
although myself & dad are still welcome....
but can't trust daughter no 1 to do right by her own children...
do I host & invite daughter no 1 .....
do I just invite her children, I have no problem with my grandchildren being here.....I could cope with her here, but the children don't want to be with her, their dad is another story!
Sadly every year seems to get worse, although I do live in hope that one day all will be well....

I must admit that I think a baby's first Christmas is more important to everyone else other than the baby. It also depends when the baby was born. I had aDecember baby and was run ragged visiting and accommodating all the people who wanted to hold the new born child. I am older and wiser thank goodness and would not ask a new/ newish mum to be changing beds and feeding the masses and have grandpa on the settee when I wanted to feed the baby and make a cuppa in the middle of the night. To MarySunshine seeing the baby open his presents etc the first time is a charming idea. The reality could well be a broken nights sleep for all and a baby who wants to play with the nice crackly paper and the interesting cardboard box and treats the expensive toy with indifference. And I'm sorry. You are not family you've shifted to extended family. And no wipe entitled out of your vocab. I think I'm entitled to a gracious thank you for a present . I'm there to help the new generation move on .

lucky me or not, I have no family, I spend every Christmas alone, in fact I spend every day alone, how I envy people at Christmas, sitting down to Christmas dinner, the point I am trying to make is just make the most of what you have while you have it.

I' m with jayanna and dee I'm afraid .

Usually, we go to our Daughter every other year, even when my Grandson arrived, her husband's parents stay Christmas night as well as us.
Now they have split up this year, our Grandson is with my Daughter on Christmas Day and his Father on Boxing Day.
We live in Nottinghamshire, my Daughter lives in Scotland and my son lives in Durham.
So my Daughter won't be able to come down as she would have to drive back Christmas Day, so we're all going to my Sons and having Christmas Day on Christmas Eve. She will still have to drive home on Boxing Day evening, but it will be only 2 hours instead of 5 hours

I do think they've treated you shabbily Mary. I couldn't let anyone be on their own in Christmas day. I think the suggestion of you driving over to theirs on Christmas morning is a good one. It will also show how important it is for you to see your son and GC. I hope it works out for you x

....doing everything, not 'dong...'

It seems to me that s GPs are either dong everything like Merlot, or like us as parents of DSs, spending Christmas with friends because the DiLs' families get first dibs every year.

DSs don't seem to have any say.... or they just go along to keep the peace. Either way, these adverts showing all the family together really grate. Not everyone has family round at Christmas.