Gransnet forums


Unresponsive friend

(25 Posts)
sunseeker Tue 13-Dec-16 13:37:53

I have a friend who I can only contact via text. She doesn't answer phone calls (either mobile or landline) and doesn't use email. The last time we met I suggested she come to me for lunch this week so we can exchange Christmas gifts and that I would text her with a date. I sent her a text suggesting Friday of this week, after 2 days I hadn't received a reply so sent her a reminder. She replied saying she was busy on Friday and asking for an alternative day. I immediately replied suggesting tomorrow (Wednesday). That was at the beginning of last week and she still hasn't replied so I have no idea if she is coming or not. I am now thinking of texting telling her as I haven't received a reply I assume she's not coming and suggesting we meet up in the new year. This isn't the first time this has happened and I am beginning to think this is a friendship I should let go as I am always the one who has to make contact and always have to wait sometimes as long as a week for a reply. The confusing thing is that when we do meet she is all over me with lots of hugging and kissing.

NanaandGrampy Tue 13-Dec-16 13:42:48

May I ask why she doesn't answer calls or email?

It seems very odd but perhaps there's a good reason.

In your position I might wonder if she's distancing herself from me and I would be tempted to say nothing. If she texts then you can suggest the new year or .......she may not respond at all.

In which case you may have to walk away.

ninathenana Tue 13-Dec-16 13:46:08

I'm begining to think this is a frienship I should let go
Sad to say I agree with that. A friendship should be one of mutual respect. She's not showing you much respect by ignoring you for a week or more at a time.

sunseeker Tue 13-Dec-16 13:50:39

She doesn't use email at all. I don't know why she doesn't answer phone calls although in the past she claimed she didn't hear the phone ring and it is at her suggestion that we use texting. I would agree she may not want to continue the friendship if it was just me but others have told me they have problems contacting her. I fully understand she may be busy I just don't understand why she won't just say so. I think it is rude not to answer at all bearing in mind that I don't know whether to prepare lunch or not.

NanaandGrampy Tue 13-Dec-16 13:53:11

I agree OP , she's rude in that case. And if a call is missed it would be courteous to call you back.

Anya Tue 13-Dec-16 13:55:20

Don't chase her up again. Go to the suggested meeting place, see if she turns up. If she does, good and if not have a coffee, look at the shops and take your gift home with you.

The ball's in her court, see if she plays it.

sunseeker Tue 13-Dec-16 14:22:01

Anya I would do you as you suggest but she is supposed to be coming here for lunch! I have decided to text her telling her as I haven't heard I am assuming she is not coming and suggesting we meet up in the new year.

Anya Tue 13-Dec-16 14:36:17

Understood Sunseeker

But I doubt if I'd bother getting in touch again,

FarNorth Tue 13-Dec-16 14:55:20

Ask her to text you in the new year, to suggest a date.

Pigglywiggly Tue 13-Dec-16 15:12:17

I think this might be time to let it go.
I have a similar problem. A friend and I used to go for walks and then lunch. When I suggested a walk she said 'Let's leave it a couple of months.' I bumped into her a few months later and she said 'Must be time for a coffee.' I said lovely, but can we do it after X date and I have heard nothing. We had been friends for over 30 years, but truthfully we are both closer to other people than we are to each other, and I think sometimes we have to let go.

notanan Tue 13-Dec-16 15:38:09

I don't answer calls much. You know that thing about people being auditory or visual or kinetic etc… I have zero % auditory. I struggle with phone calls, I find them hard to read, It's just not a form of communication I'm good at. I will try to get of the phone as soon as possible so I'm very blunt and too the point if I do speak on the phone (i.e. I'll agree a time/place then end the conversation hang up, I just don't know how to chat feely when I can't see any visual cues)

I'll talk to you for hours face to face, I love writing and receiving long letters, I like email and text because I can see and process it…

It's not that uncommon, lots of people are awkward on the phone, I know I sound odd on the phone so I avoid it where possible.

However if I do dodge someone's calls I'll email or text or whatsapp saying "sorry I missed your call, "hi" how are you? how've you been? what's up?" and offer another form of communication asap.

notanan Tue 13-Dec-16 15:42:09

The last time we met I suggested she come to me for lunch this week so we can exchange Christmas gifts and that I would text her with a date.

Might your suggestion to exchange gifts be the issue here?
Maybe she'ld not got you anything and assumed you weren't doing gifts this year, maybe because you hadn't seen each other much?
Maybe she feels awkward and uncomfortable about the gift thing and now feels it's too late to say "shall we no do gifts this year" because you've clearly already bought hers and she now has to go and get you something last minute?
Maybe she's short of money so putting it off?

Could it be that?

sunseeker Tue 13-Dec-16 16:06:05

notanan No we have always exchanged gifts, the only reason I mentioned gifts was because we usually meet just before Christmas to do the exchange - I know she already has mine because she mentioned it was something to make me smile!

Elegran Tue 13-Dec-16 16:11:03

Are you sure she can still receive texts?

rosesarered Tue 13-Dec-16 16:16:28

sun it seems to me that your friend does value you, but is very disorganised and a bit vague with time.
The thing is .... do you value your friend, as in, do you want to keep the friendship going? If yes, then accept her funny ways, but text her to ask if she is coming to you tomorrow?

Jayanna9040 Tue 13-Dec-16 16:24:18

It's the mixed message that's hard isn't it? I have a friend who cancels so often I wonder if she's dropping the end of friendship hint. But when we finally make it we seem to have a good time, she always says how lovely, stays for ages and makes another date. Have no idea if she wants to go on being friends or not?

FarNorth Tue 13-Dec-16 16:35:43

Why not ask her, Jayanna?

Jayanna9040 Tue 13-Dec-16 16:39:05

Don't know. Makes me cringe just thinking about doing it. Congenital coward!

notanan Tue 13-Dec-16 17:01:23

I agree that some friends are worth putting up with scattyness and rubbish communication, and others aren't.

I have a friend who is a nightmare to plan anything fun with. If we organise lunch she'll often cancel a few hours before having double booked. Now I wouldn't put up with that from a lot of people, but this friend will and has dropped EVERYTHING and pulled out all the stop whenever I've had a crisis or been in need… so I work around her rubbishness when it comes to organising fun things (so now I invite her along to things that I can still do even if she cancels, group things etc, rather than 1:1 stuff that's completely cancelled if she pulls out)

You have to figure out if the good outweighs the bad.

The other possiblity OP is that you're not present tense friend, you're "old times sake" friends and you do this gift exchange out of habit, rather than because you still really like each other?

Crafting Tue 13-Dec-16 21:11:26

I am possibly a friend like yours sunseeker. I do intend to get in touch but things happen and it gets put out of my mind. I know it's not good but there are people who are very bad at commmunicating. I have several friends (hard to believe I know blush) who have a relative, son, daughter, brother etc who are bad at communicating. Give her another chance please.

norose4 Tue 20-Dec-16 09:52:36

Have been in similar friendship & decided to let it go, now after a couple of years, old friend is back in touch suggesting meeting up again. I won't be responding not out of malice or anything like that, just that what ever closeness we shared has gone, changed or maybe just buried. We may fundamentally be the same people as we always were, but the familiarity has gone , it' feels a bit like a precious memory of being a child -treasured but wouldn't want to be one again . Best wishes to you, sounds like you have done your best to be a good friend x

sunseeker Tue 20-Dec-16 15:15:50

Just to give you an update. When I suggested we meet in the new year she insisted we should meet before Christmas, so I did some rearranging and we agreed she should come to me today at 12.30 and I would make lunch. When she hadn't arrived by 1.00 I sent a text asking if everything was OK - no reply. At 1.30 I rang her home, she eventually answered and said all shocked "oh was that today!" She then suddenly developed sniffles, said she had a very heavy cold and perhaps she could come for lunch tomorrow instead. I told her in no uncertain terms that I was going to be busy and IF she wants to meet up in the new year she should contact me. It was only at the end of the conversation that she very sheepishly said sorry. I'm sad that this friendship appears to have run its course.

Anya Tue 20-Dec-16 15:43:02

How rude!

ninathenana Tue 20-Dec-16 17:27:28

sunseeker given your last post, I would say you had no option but to say what you did.
It is sad but as the saying goes who needs friends like these

stillaliveandkicking Tue 20-Dec-16 18:11:03

Some people do have problems etc. using phones or texting but surely if you're friends then you know that?

She sounds like a very "fair-weather" false friend so if I were you I'd just leave it now.

Don't make contact with her again.