Am i being selfish and unkind???

DHs elderly Aunt expected to stay with his sister at least once a year for a week/10 days. Admittedly it was several hundred miles away,and she generally flew down,but she did see her several times a year any way when DSIL came up north to visit her parents and us.On these trips she expected running here,there and everywhere and the dates and times of her arrival and departure were firmly to suit her.DSIL -now sadly not with us due to cancer - was very kind and patient ,but began to dread the phone call announcing the annual visit.Mainly because it was just too long.We intervened somewhat the last few times by offering to book her travel arrangements online for her,and then telling her what flights were 'available' after consulting DSIL ,thereby restricting the visit and making sure she wasn't collecting from the airport at rush hour -which never occurred to Aunty !

I've had the same problem with a friend who went to live in another country. For the first few years we let her come and stay for a week at a time to visit her mother. Her partner let slip that it was convenient for all concerned that she could stay in our house for free. I saw red and haven't let her stay since. She drops huge hints and I pretend I don't get it. She now stays in hotels but the friendship has been damaged. I would tell these freeloaders that your new husband doesn't like having people to stay.

Well done you! Stick to your guns and don't answer the phone next Xmas.
My rule is two nights for any guests .Three for my sister(all the time she can spare!) as I enjoy her company and she is very kind to me. This is a common dilemma of people turning up and imposing.

Looks like your problem is solved, Ziggy! Glad you found the courage to say "No."

Just want to add that these people have a lot of cheek to invite themselves that way! The same with the others who see your home as a "free hotel."

Maybe you need to make it a policy to only have people to your home IF YOU & DH INVITE THEM. Automatic no to anyone who invites themselves! Soon enough, they'll all see they can't use you like that.

I agree a long weekend would be a better option but I haven't heard a word from them since my message last Sunday so guess problem is over lol. thanks for the support

I agree. Visitors are exhausting. Two days max.

Good for you OP. My sister comes and stays for a couple of days every now and again, we're very close too but thats enough. Im relieved when she's gone.

I think it is to your credit that you have been so hospitable up until now, particularly as you don't find their company enjoyable.

If it were me, even if I didn't particularly enjoy their visits, I would, if they were well-meaning and considerate people, feel a bit mean stopping them.

However, it sounds like these people have got a real cheek in expecting you to run around after them, cook their meals and make extravagant use of your hot water. What would really annoy me is them spending what sounds like quite a lot of money when they go shopping. If they could afford to do that, they could afford to make a contribution towards their stay - perhaps taking you out for meals/bringing extra special food with them, etc.

Hopefully they won't ask again.

Why think of excuses? As Louizalass says, tell them the truth.

They are the ones being selfish, not you.

I think if you were really fond of this Aunt and Uncle and enjoyed their company as well, you wouldn't feel the way you do.....which sort of answers your own question.We have visitors several times a year ( different ones) usually for three or four days, and yes, it is expensive, all the extra meals and drinks and trips out.I certainly wouldn't do it if we didn't like them enough!
It may be difficult to always think of excuses, but since you have remarried, you must put your own needs first, and it sounds as if you have given them many free holidays up to now.

Isn't it funny how most of us are too polite to tell somebody that we think they're taking liberties and to stop it?!! Your aunt has no qualms in taking advantage of your good nature. She considers you a soft touch and you've enabled her to get away with it.

Be brave - tell her that you feel used and that irks you. Unless she's likely to leave you a million quid in her will, I'd wave her 'bye, 'bye!!

Sorry to sound so harsh but I wouldjust tell them you are sorry but now you are not working you like having time to yourself, to do what you want when you want and Also be frank about the cost of their visit and tell them how you feel. If they take offence and break contact with you how would you feel, if it was me relieved. so Ask yourself would I have this couple as friends if they weren't relatives?

Coolgran65, sorry if my post was bit confusing.

She phoned on Christmas day, as she does every year and asked could she come over again this year, at that time I did say it should be possible but we had a lot to do to house and to get back to me. Last Sunday she called and left message asking if she could book flights for end of April, that is when I messaged back to say we are away May day bank holiday and we're having lots of work done in house.

She hasn't contacted me since so guess she understands the game is up lol

I am confused, In original post did you say that you'd said No to auntie to a Spring visit. But yet in a later post you say auntie phoned to say she was about to book flights.

If you can live without each other for the rest of the year without missing each other...... I'd just say circumstances have changed and you are no longer able to have them. If she pushes for reasons, could you say it's something you prefer not to discuss/are unable to discuss.

It happened to me quite a few years ago now . A cousin of my X used to come and stay for a few days even after I divorced her cousin ! What really annoyed me was that she allowed me to wait on her never even offering to wash up after I had cooked . Ziggy - these people are using you and taking advantage of your kind nature - it` s time to say NO x

Ziggy 62 Have I missed where you live? Is it abroad?

thanks for replies, I have a few family members who think we are running a free hotel so now is the time to stop. I am more than happy for friends and family to visit when we enjoy their company and we have fun out and about with them. But when it comes to those who just want us to feed them for nothing while they sit and watch rubbish on tv or expect me to take them shopping daily, they are in for a shock

I've been in this situation too. We live in a pretty part of the country and every year, in the Spring we start getting requests from family members wanting to visit. We never hear from them the rest of the year, and there is never any offer to return hospitality. Not one of them has ever offered to put us up.
All I can say is, we will be away ourselves then and leave it like that. It's a lot of work and expense and it's never reciprocated.

You've got your new husband to consider now.
Your situation reminds me a little bit (but obviously different relationships)of mine with eldest daughter. She was on her own for many years, no children, (50 now), and I always knew I'd be welcome to stay with her. But for the last 3-4 years she has a very nice partner, TG, which we're so relieved about. And I have to accept that I can't just descend on them like I used to.
Maybe you could point out to your Aunt that your husband has to be considered too?

thank you, strangely I haven't heard back from her lol

I agree that you are not being selfish - they have been taking liberties and it's about time it stopped. Be strong Ziggy!!

Definitely not being selfish.

She's using you and you deserve better than that. Stick to your guns.

thanks for ur reply but I really couldn't think of anything worse than staying at their house

Good for you Ziggy 62

Why don't you invite yourself for a free holiday to hers? Even if you don't enjoy their company you will be somewhere else for a few days and can explore the area.