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Am i being selfish and unkind???

(39 Posts)
Ziggy62 Mon 06-Feb-17 11:05:42

I married a wonderful guy last September, my first husband died over 9 years ago, my children are grown up and doing ok. In the last 6 months we have bought a house and I have changed career after nearly 40 years in childcare. I'm pleased to say life has never been better. We have enough money coming in to pay the bills and enjoy life but aren't earning a fortune.
Anyway my dilemma is with my auntie. She's in her 70's, married, both still working by choice as they don't really have any hobbies or interests. In the last couple of years my auntie has phoned every Christmas morning to tell me all about herself and as the call comes to an end she asks if herself and her husband can come over for a week in the Spring. Well, to cut a very long story short, this year I have had said No. I actually said we're away May day bank holiday (which is true) and we're having work done to house (which is also true but wouldn't stop us being able to have visitors).
It costs us a fortune having them here, with airport runs, days out and the cost of feeding them both for a week. Plus while we're out at work they put the hot water on all day so they can have a bath each evening (there is more than enough hot water without them doing this).
On top of all of this I don't even find them good company, she constantly talks about herself and the only topic of conversation is her work. When we go out and about she shows no interest and just wants to go shopping. Last year she bought so many sheets and duvet covers after our many trips to the local shopping centre
So, am I being selfish and unkind or just not allowing family to use me for a free holiday?

ninathenana Mon 06-Feb-17 11:16:44

No your not.
Personally I think they're taking liberties inviting themselves every year. You have accommodated them until now, you deserve a year off.
I would suggest you invite yourselves to visit them for a holiday but it sounds as if it would be wasted fares grin

grandMattie Mon 06-Feb-17 11:20:08

I don't think so. If your aunt costs loads extra for her free holiday, I think you are right to put her off.
If she insists, just say that the new house/job/DH are stretching your finances, so unless she coughs up for the dinners/airport runs/hot water, you will be unable to entertain her in future.
If, she is also boring, why put up with it? wink

Charleygirl Mon 06-Feb-17 11:36:40

No, life is too short to put up with that. Does she not put her hand in her pocket to take you out for a meal to at least say thank you? They are taking liberties when staying with you.

harrigran Mon 06-Feb-17 11:37:42

No you are not being selfish, if it is not convenient for you then you have the right to refuse. You should not have to put up with thoughtless guests, when we visit DD we take them out for a meal every day.

Ziggy62 Mon 06-Feb-17 11:44:11

thanks for replies. Yes they take us for one pub meal while they are here. Neither of us order a drink just a main course and last year I had them complaining about the cost . I think it was £70 for 4 of us. They really like the Chinese takeaway in our village and last year they said they would pay for it one evening. As the delivery man appeared they gave me the exact amount of money for their food, we paid for our own. When we are out and about (usually shopping)we go for coffee or lunch and they order food/drink then wait till I pay for it. My father is buried over here and its a 2 hour drive but she expects me to take her every year with no offer of petrol money and of course we have lunch while we're out

Ziggy62 Mon 06-Feb-17 11:45:11

oh forgot to say last year she did buy me a bunch of flowers and he bought me 3 tomato plants

mumofmadboys Mon 06-Feb-17 11:51:12

Can you suggest they hire a car so they can take themselves out and about?

Ziggy62 Mon 06-Feb-17 11:55:39

he doesn't drive anymore and they do go out and about on the bus when i'm working

Ziggy62 Mon 06-Feb-17 11:58:05

I think what really annoys me if she only calls every Christmas to ask if they can come in the spring, then she calls (as she did yesterday ) to tell me she is about to book flights. We never hear from them the rest of the year, in fact I always have to call to make sure they arrived home ok. I guess I just feel like we're being used and taken advantage of

mumofmadboys Mon 06-Feb-17 11:59:31

Are they definitely coming this year then?

harrigran Mon 06-Feb-17 12:06:00

If you never hear from them until they want to book a holiday then you are definitely being used. Don't allow these relatives to take advantage, stop the rot now.

Christinefrance Mon 06-Feb-17 12:44:13

Stick to your guns Ziggy, they are taking advantage. No need to feel guilty you have done your bit for them in the past. Surprising how long house renovations can take!

Ziggy62 Mon 06-Feb-17 12:51:49

mumofmadboys She rang yesterday but I was working, then she sent message so I took cowards way out and sent her message back saying we're away the weekend they plan to come and then we're having work done on house but haven't heard anything since

JackyB Mon 06-Feb-17 13:38:49

Why don't you invite yourself for a free holiday to hers? Even if you don't enjoy their company you will be somewhere else for a few days and can explore the area.

mumofmadboys Mon 06-Feb-17 13:52:53

Good for you Ziggy 62

Ziggy62 Mon 06-Feb-17 14:17:15

thanks for ur reply but I really couldn't think of anything worse than staying at their house

vampirequeen Mon 06-Feb-17 20:33:12

Definitely not being selfish.

She's using you and you deserve better than that. Stick to your guns.

DanniRae Mon 06-Feb-17 20:48:23

I agree that you are not being selfish - they have been taking liberties and it's about time it stopped. Be strong Ziggy!! angry

Ziggy62 Mon 06-Feb-17 22:21:27

thank you, strangely I haven't heard back from her lol

TriciaF Tue 07-Feb-17 15:57:20

You've got your new husband to consider now.
Your situation reminds me a little bit (but obviously different relationships)of mine with eldest daughter. She was on her own for many years, no children, (50 now), and I always knew I'd be welcome to stay with her. But for the last 3-4 years she has a very nice partner, TG, which we're so relieved about. And I have to accept that I can't just descend on them like I used to.
Maybe you could point out to your Aunt that your husband has to be considered too?

mrsmopp Tue 07-Feb-17 16:54:20

I've been in this situation too. We live in a pretty part of the country and every year, in the Spring we start getting requests from family members wanting to visit. We never hear from them the rest of the year, and there is never any offer to return hospitality. Not one of them has ever offered to put us up.
All I can say is, we will be away ourselves then and leave it like that. It's a lot of work and expense and it's never reciprocated.

Ziggy62 Tue 07-Feb-17 19:24:39

thanks for replies, I have a few family members who think we are running a free hotel so now is the time to stop. I am more than happy for friends and family to visit when we enjoy their company and we have fun out and about with them. But when it comes to those who just want us to feed them for nothing while they sit and watch rubbish on tv or expect me to take them shopping daily, they are in for a shock

spanishsue Tue 07-Feb-17 20:02:02

Ziggy 62 Have I missed where you live? Is it abroad?

f77ms Tue 07-Feb-17 20:13:41

It happened to me quite a few years ago now . A cousin of my X used to come and stay for a few days even after I divorced her cousin ! What really annoyed me was that she allowed me to wait on her never even offering to wash up after I had cooked . Ziggy - these people are using you and taking advantage of your kind nature - it` s time to say NO x