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to expect my granddaughter to be included in her father's new family.

(51 Posts)
Christinefrance Mon 27-Feb-17 11:23:59

My granddaughter is upset as her father's wife has just had her second child and does not see her as part of the family. Wife has just posted on the dreaded FB " how nice it is to be a family of four". Is this usual with second families ?

tanith Mon 27-Feb-17 11:38:10

It could be just a slip of the tongue/finger remark on FB. Does your Granddaughter normally get on ok with her Step-mum? Has she been included in family life with her fathers other family? I would suggest she doesn't read her Step-mums FB page you don't say how old she is so maybe you could kindly explain it probably wasn't meant to exclude her.

Ana Mon 27-Feb-17 11:44:01

Very hurtful and thoughtless, slip of the tongue or not!

MissAdventure Mon 27-Feb-17 12:01:52

It doesn't sound like a slip of the tongue to me. Surely adults should be mindful of hurting children, particularly 'steps'.

Bibbity Mon 27-Feb-17 12:02:11

That's disgusting.
It doesn't matter what their relationship is like she is a member of the family regardless of what SM wants.
I would immediately be on the phone to my son saying that the post should be edited. It's very easily done with a simple click.
Both your son and SM should then have a very heartfelt conversation with GD about how she is absolutely as much a member of their family as other GC and she is just as loved and valued.

Ilovecheese Mon 27-Feb-17 12:05:34

I would cut her-step mother a bit of slack as she has just had a baby. A step-mother can be an addition to a child's life if she is allowed to be, another adult to care for the child. I think though, that it is difficult for a child if their real mother (or grandmother) criticises the stepmother in front of them, as it makes them feel that they are not allowed to like the step-parent because it would be disloyal.

Christinefrance Mon 27-Feb-17 12:37:26

My granddaughter is 18 and has not been involved much with the new family as they live in a different country. Her father has not seen her now for two years and relies on his parents to pay her fare etc to visit. I just think it's sad when existing children are discarded in favour of a new family.
Of course we all love and support her but it's still hurtful.

Bibbity Mon 27-Feb-17 12:41:50

Ah so your the maternal Nan?
Then tragically it looks like she has been discarded and just thought of as unwanted bagage. Which is tragic but ultimately it is them who lose out.
She is lucky to have a GM as attentive and aware of her emotions and you.
Just remind her she is fabulous and unfortunately now those children may not reach her amazing fabulousness as they don't get to see her.

Ilovecheese Mon 27-Feb-17 13:02:50

Yes, now that you have given that extra information, I agree that is very sad. Step siblings should be an addition to a family, not a replacement. The new children are indeed missing out. Your granddaughter is lucky to have you.

tanith Mon 27-Feb-17 13:44:40

Christinefrance your second post puts a whole new light on it, sounds a very hurtful thing to do. Such a shame for your Granddaughter and I'm sorry if my earlier post was harsh. blush

Craicon Mon 27-Feb-17 14:08:14

Your DGD is an adult who doesn't live with her father so I can understand why the new wife posted 'family of 4' because that's what they are in their day to day lives, surely?
I have 2 grown up DSS that we refer to as brothers rather than step brothers to my DS but I think of my DH, DS (7) and myself as a family of 3 because the oldest two live elsewhere and have their own independent lives to lead.

Christinefrance Mon 27-Feb-17 15:00:14

Sorry Craicon I can't agree, he is her father (nominally) and should ensure her place within his family.

MissAdventure Mon 27-Feb-17 16:47:02

I dont think people cease to be family because they live elsewhere - particularly grown children.

BlueBelle Mon 27-Feb-17 18:56:20

Although I can truely see why you are upset on behalf of your granddaughter Christine I was just thinking the father didn't write the FB post so maybe he didn't even know his wife had written it and the wife isn't a relation of your daughters so I m guessing it wasn't done maliciously but just a pure matter of fact statement Now we are a family of four which she is .... if your grandaughters father had written it that would have been a different kettle of fish

I think you should be more cross with the father who should be making more effort to keep his daughter in his life My own children were abandoned by their father who had minimal contact an odd phone call at Christmas never a penny or a present or card so I understand how you feel

Iam64 Mon 27-Feb-17 19:27:48

I don't believe you ABU to expect your granddaughter to be helped to feel included in her father's second family. So many families include siblings who in the past would have been seen at step brothers or sisters but now simply refer to each other as 'my brother' or 'my sister'. Your granddaughter's situation is complicated by her being so much older than her father's younger children as well as by the fact they live in different countries.
I agree with BlueBelle's point, that her father has the main responsibility here. His wife probably didn't mean to intentionally exclude her step daughter but she did so. I would keep your counsel, try and re-frame this for your grand daughter in the most positive way you can, rather than add to her feelings of rejection. Has she sent a gift to her new sister or a Facebook message on step mums page making some loving and positive comments about her new sister.

Bibbity Mon 27-Feb-17 19:32:40

Please don't make your GD feel as though that post was appropriate.
If I were her I'd comment
'hHw wonderful you have your perfect family of 4. Many congratulations from this family of 1'

Iam64 Mon 27-Feb-17 19:36:51

We are different personalities clearly Bibbity. My own view is that confrontation, sarcastic and abrasive responses when we feel hurt, don't always result in the outcome the person reacting angrily would want.
If Christinefrance's daughter wants to end any chance of an ongoing relationship with her father and his new family, following your advice would be a good start in achieving that.

Bibbity Mon 27-Feb-17 19:58:45

I think they've made their stand point quiet clear.
She doesn't need people who don't feel she is a member of their family.
Parents and siblings are not a necessity. She can continue to live a happy, healthy and fulfilling life just like I'm sure she has been for the past 2 years where they've flaked out.
If it's any consolation Op I've seen people like your GD SM post online and they get ripped apart.
Bottom line is you enter into a relationship with someone with a child you make sure you accept love and include them.
If your GD SM was to post that on any parenting group I'm on asking if it was Ok even though she had a SD she'd be told straight.
Those who know that your GD exist will look very very poorly upon that status.
Your granddaughter matters. She doesn't need them.

Only27 Mon 27-Feb-17 20:55:34

That Facebook comment is disgusting! That's no slip of the tongue.

BlueBelle Mon 27-Feb-17 22:25:36

That's so judgemental how would you know that only27 That's just guess work . the girls father lives in another country and Christine says she hasn't had much involvement with his new family or seen him for two years, so the new partner probable doesn't really know the lass very well and as she's an adult daughter she probably doesn't even think of her as a child
I think it's incredibly sad that the dad hasn't kept up contact and involvement but that's not necessarily the new partners fault
If the granddaughter was seeing the family regularly, staying over like a lot of broken family arrangements having ,meals with them, playing or even baby sitting with her half siblings then of course the step mum would see her as part of the family and that would have been an unforgivable thing to do but if they barely know each other and she doesn't figure in their life (fathers fault entirely) then I doubt the new partner would even think beyond her own children

Bibbity Mon 27-Feb-17 22:51:17

Does she know the GD exists? If so she should've included her. No excuse.

SueSchrip Tue 28-Feb-17 04:12:37

The girl's father should be keeping her in the family, that's not a job for his busy wife. They live in another country, have a new baby plus another child, they are a family of 4 for all practical purposes. Our children are grown and flown, I consider myself with DH a family of two.

I'd be more concerned that GD's dad hasn't bothered to see her in 2 years and relies on his parents to pay her airfare.

Faye Tue 28-Feb-17 05:35:13

This is the first time I have heard the term family of 4 or 3 or whatever. It does seem a pointed thing to say on social media for all to see when this woman has a step daughter.

My DD2 still feels upset when she doesn't hear from her married again DF and she is in her mid thirties and has a busy life with her own husband, children and career. Some people are oblivious to their children's feelings. It makes me wonder why they have them in the first place. confused

Leticia Tue 28-Feb-17 06:14:34

Whether it is usual or not doesn't really matter- it is simply unfeeling and unkind. Her father shouldn't have ever let it happen and should have made it clear from the start to his wife that she is having a second and third child. Even though they live in a different country there is Skype and she could be an important part of the family to her younger siblings. However, he hasn't done this and he has cut her off - all you can do is support your granddaughter.

radicalnan Tue 28-Feb-17 10:07:03

Unfortunate but not necessarily intended.

FB is such a divisive thing at times. Worse is a father she hasn't seen for a couple of years but maybe he offered and she wasn't keen, teenagers pefer their own peer group to just about anyone else.

Too much love in one post this morning and perhaps not enough in is such a git.