worried about safety re: DH and grandchildren

lucky4 how often have I said to my DH 'why don't you just admit you're wrong. I'd much prefer that to all this justification'

Why do men never take responsibility for their own actions. They seem always to prefer to blame their wife or others. Why? I always apologise when I make a mistake and take the blame even if not guilty. DH always denies he made a mistake and makes up an excuse.
This is so childish and annoying. Luckily grandchildren are older now so no problem there thank goodness.

I'm with radicalnan & nina1959 on this one - too many people (including some mothers) play 'Russian Roulette' with children's safety. It's hard enough to keep them safe even when one does one's best to take every precaution.

my husband doesn't get involved in the care of our grandchildren,never has,I look after them when they are here.We have one child with us for half of every week and apart from picking her up from school he keeps out of her way.We or rather I had the oldest two from weeks old until they started school ,as long as the house was kept "tidy" and he didn't have to help that was fine.He's not child minded at all.Its just how he is.He too worked long hours 7 days a week for years so I brought up our kids .Maybe you have to accept that the baby is your responsibility and let him do his own thing

my husband doesn't get involved in the care of our grandchildren,never has,I look after them when they are here.We have one child with us for half of every week and apart from picking her up from school he keeps out of her way.We or rather I had the oldest two from weeks old until they started school ,as long as the house was kept "tidy" and he didn't have to help that was fine.He's not child minded at all.Its just how he is.He too worked long hours 7 days a week for years so I brought up our kids .Maybe you have to accept that the baby is your responsibility and let him do his own thing

my husband doesn't get involved in the care of our grandchildren,never has,I look after them when they are here.We have one child with us for half of every week and apart from picking her up from school he keeps out of her way.We or rather I had the oldest two from weeks old until they started school ,as long as the house was kept "tidy" and he didn't have to help that was fine.He's not child minded at all.Its just how he is.He too worked long hours 7 days a week for years so I brought up our kids .Maybe you have to accept that the baby is your responsibility and let him do his own thing

I agree with others that the safety of the child is paramount and that you should be up front to parents about this. It neednt mean you never see the GC!
Id say something like Dad is getting a bit forgetful and it might be best if I look after X at your house on my own. Of course you could both still visit when parents are present.

Most of all do not let your H anywhere near your DGC where water is involved: bathroom, garden, if you have a pond or indeed anything in the garden that contains water; bucket, trough, water butt.

I think you need to act as if you were a single grandparent rather than grandparents. GC and C are too precious to lose physically or mentally.

I am hyper careful about boiling kettles, cups of tea and pans. I had a friend in Belgium whose small child pulled a kettle on top of himself and he was scarred for life right down the front of his little chest. She said the skin just seemed to fall off him. Push them to the back, it isn't rocket science is it.

The priority here is the safety of your Grandchild. On that basis, you need to warn the parents that your partner cannot be trusted where basic safety matters are concerned. They need to know that there is a risk. Belated regrets after the event are worthless. It may inhibit their confidence in leaving the child with both of you, but you will just have to take that on the chin. I would also encourage your partner to have potential early dementia checked out at the Doctor's. Irritability, easy distraction, poor driving, lack of general awareness of consequences.... all worrying signs...

Nina, I agree, some young Mothers today walk in front of their children while they talk on their phones, with their heads down listening to the conversation, while the children could be doing anything as far as they know. They could be running on the road, gone off in a different direction, been snatched or anything.

I am always telling my OH not to leave pan handles sticking out from the cooker top. They just don't get it do they. Mind you I know one of my sons was a little menace, if you told him something was hot, he would touch it to see if you were right.

The suggestion about a Memory test sound the best option to me. Your DH is either not used to children and their behaviour as he was not around much for your own, or he could be developing some form of Dementia, in which case you would need to support him and in my view put him before child care. Dementia creeps upon you over years before you realise it is there. I have first hand experience from my late husband and my mother and care for people living with dementia in the community. I hope this is not the case but please have your husband take the test for everyone's sake. xx

My DH will not wear his hearing aid and guesses what my 4 year old granddaughter has said. On holiday with her ( and her parents) over February half term it all blew up because she asked him if she could do something unsafe and on the second ask he said yes (guessing again) in front of my DD. I wear 2 hearing aids but he has every excuse not to wear his. I can't leave him alone with her and he misses so much plus it frustrates me

I remember as a child a cousin in Canada pulling a saucepan of boiling water off the stove all over himself, he is scarred to this day, could have been killed. You can never be too careful when children are about, takes seconds for them to do something like that

Heart goes out to you Welshmist

With his history of not having been around for his kids as wee ones, he's clueless, and perhaps on top of that, forgetful/irresponsible, or as others have said, might have dementia issues.

Either way, it is too stressful for you. If he WANTS to continue to have your GC there, I'd make a rules list and put on the wall. Say it's a reminder for yourself as well.

Safety is so important... never underestimate the curiosity of a child.

A worst case scenario wass that my niece's 7 year old son was allowed by his dad (they were divorced) to sit on the tailgate of a pickup truck that was being reversed out of a drive. He fell off, sustained a head injury and died. This was in the US and my niece was away for her 30th BD weekend. The guilt has not left her after 16 years. She will not acknowledge her BD any longer, and never had any other children. The father did not blame the neighbour, but himself. The neighbour had a nervous breakdown over it.

Again...safety is so important... never underestimate the curiosity of a child. You cannot bring them back.

Dear welshmist, this really struck a chord. We have one GC not walking yet but I realise I will have to keep an eye on her. My DH seems to think that small children have common sense. That she will hold on when on a swing, that she will stop at steps etc etc. Luckily my DS who is quite the opposite and very able with children, has noticed his Dad be like this ..and is slowly realising we all have to keep an eye on him. That he has noticed has made it easier.I've tried to talk to DH and he says he understands but carries on the same. He has always found small children boring, so maybe just not engaged. But yes.. I'm on alert now. I think that I have to take charge and that's what I will do.

Welshmist
You can't afford to wait while something really drastic happens
Have a word with your or your husbands GP.Age is not the issue when it comes to the change in the way a person acts.
Have words with your grandchild's parents and how they feel about it.

I think you will have to say that you can only look after your grandchild at their house and leave your husband behind at yours. The child could have been killed running up the road and that should that been the final straw.

At least you are aware there is a problem. Men always seem more laid back about these things until they are the ones sitting hours in Casualty. All you can do is ensure you are in the vicinity. I wouldn't have a toddler in the kitchen whilst cooking.

I must defend men, well DH at least! He is at least as aware as me of dangers and equally if not more careful when looki ng after GC. The one exception is at playgrounds where I am quite neurotic and he, (like the parents) lets them do what to me looks quite dangerous - high slides, climbing frames etc!

I suggest he sees a doctor. You mention several dings in the car and its seems he cannot concentrate for any length of time. He is aware, I think, and it is frustrating him. In the meantime do not leave the child with him.

In a similar position to Luckygirl. DH has PD and is careless with med. we have a 3 year old DGD one day a week, and I take full responsibility. She is quite wary of him at times,anyway, sensing that there is 'something' amiss, I think.. He would take the older DGC's out in the garden, or to the local shop etc on his own, in the past, but I couldn't allow that now. He isn't driving at all now, thankfully. He would never have been as safety conscious as myself when our own DC's were young, but his awareness of danger is now greatly diminished. In these circumstances, I'm afraid that we grannies have to 'do it all'!

You will certainly lose contact with the child if a car hits him and kills him................safety first is paramount.

You have to be honest with everyone if there is safety at stake.

I have a gate between the kitchen and lounge to keep my 2 year old grandson out. Too many things could harm him. It only takes a second for a terrible incident to happen.

Oh dear, welshmist, has he always been like this, or is it a recent change in his behaviour? I have to say I would worry about dementia too. One of the difficulties is that other people get blamed but they don't see that the problem may lie with them. None of us can see ourselves as others see us, can we? You have my sympathies.
On the practical side all you can do is take on more responsibility which loads even more onto your shoulders. Have you any other family members who can help?