worried about safety re: DH and grandchildren

Because of all the talk, even I got jumpy.
But I decided I was not going to kow-tow to any threat, real or imaginery.
As it turns out, it was imaginery.

But younger people should not be allowed have this hold over us.
Though the other side of the coin is, we do have to remind ourselves that our grandchildren are not our children.

Agree with Ana that this 'losing contact' or fear of 'losing contact' or threat of it is becoming a very worrying trend!
If we aren't able to committ to childcare ( or not enough) if we give them some choccy buttons, or do some other cardinal sin, then this vague threat seems to be hanging in the air.Not for me, I hasten to add, as my DD and DIL are not at all fussy and are glad of a break, but it would appear that many Grandparents do seem worried about it.Is it yet another symptom of Mumsnet akin to the 'toxic' MIL and the general 'poor little me'feeling?

Maw' in my opinion when men are not good at childcare a lot of excuses are made for them. Bless, they are men, they may need time to bond etc.

Also if a man does do a household task or look after his offspring then he is elevated to godlike status, often congratulated for babysitting his own children.

Women are expected to be natural carers, no one ever waxes lyrical about how good a mum is for babysitting her children and she rarely gets excuses made for her when she cocks up.

I think the bar for females is much higher than for men when it comes to parenting and household chores.

Just my opinion, based on my experiences, that's all.

This child has two grandparents and they should both be able to provide a safe home. The situation sounds so stressful for op, her h needs to step up.

I agree that the option of caring for the child in their own home is the way to go if the concerns cannot be solved in any other way.

welshmist I agree, any caring would be better done in the child's own home.Confide in your DD that your DH is too 'forgetful' so you will be helping out alone. Don't commit to too much child caring though, in case you cannot cope alone.?

Will you be expected to care for both DGC welshmist when the new baby is old enough?
I really think you will need to re-think the situation and perhaps it would be better to care for both children in their own home.
Your husband sounds as if he is more of a liability than any help and you would be better looking after them on your own without worrying what he is going to do next.

Their home should be set up for toddlers and they will have all their toys and necessary paraphernalia there.

I think we tend to forget that when our own were young most Husbands were at work and didn't do much childcare therefore did NOT learn to have eyes in the back of their head or think child safety way and above everything else. I would tear his head off if he drove like that welshmist, you must be shattered and your nerves at stretching point looking after a child and Husband.

Jayanna - I think your comment about being "so determined to care for their GC" is often the other way around! - the adult children are determined that the GP will do it! - hopefully for nowt!

In any home, whether the carers are young or old, the adults need to assess the risk and take steps accordingly. We have always had all the necessary safety paraphenalia, and the gates are tied shut etc. But that is still no guarantee of total safety and vigilance is the only answer.

I think the OP should behave as if she is looking after her GC on their own.

TBH my adult children's houses look less safe than ours!- wood burners with no guard, gate open etc. But I guess that they know their child better than anyone and are able to judge what safety precautions need to be taken.

The other safety feature that we have is to insist that if we have under 3s they come alone so we can give them our full attention.

Our home is like Fort Knox with all the safety measures that have been mentioned
But even so with my 2 & 3 year old GS you need eyes in the back of the head.
You never now what they are going to do next.

My son soon worked out how to open safety cupboard locks,
so this time round we have put all under sink chemicals in high up cupboards out of reach. Medicines all in high cupboards in utility room
The door to utility room has bolt at the top.

We changed out front and back door twist locks to keys locks again.

Another safety tip is make sure child locks are on your car doors.
Garden gate need locks or bolts out of reach
Window locks

I once had to sprint round to next road to try and encourage a two year old who was standing on the ledge of an open upstairs window to climb back inside whilst banging on the front door.
Eventually tthe mother came to the door. She had been bathing the baby.
Luckily she managed to get hold of her toddler from inside the bedroom.

If you need to go to the loo take your GC with you.

You have not answered my point about white LSP.
And I repeat "some men" may not have the experience of small children or be have a "natural" talents but it is a slur to extend that to "all men" and by extrapolation imply that "all women" are therefore perfect mothers and carers.

If some women are incompetent at ANYTHING they trot out the "helpless litle girly" defence. Same roast, different gravy. Prejudiced generalisations do no-one any favours and just show up the attitudes of the speaker.

And the operative word is "some". Not all men (of any race, creed or political persuasion) have to be supervised around children. Not all women are wonderful examples, either,

Maw, if a man is incompetent at any given household task then many, many excuses are trotted out for him. These men have had jobs, drive cars, play golfs and manage to demonstrate competence in every area of their life, apart from tasks that are set aside for women.

What is with the "white men" *LSP??
Did anyone other than you bring race into the equation?
Some men are a natural klutz and basic safety precautions around small children (which was drummed into us as young mothers in our day ) clearly needs to be revisited.

I understand exactly what you're saying Jayanna, and you're absolutely right. If you were the parent of this small child and knew what was happening, you would be very dubious about leaving him in this situation.

Only you know welshmist if his behaviour is typical or if it's getting worse, and if it's getting to a worrying point. I think you should consider if he's showing early signs of a dementia.

And the grandchild might find it even harder to come to terms with his life long scald injury or disability from being knocked down in the road. Am I the only one who's more worried about this little boy than the prospect of gran losing "her time" with him?

I like the idea of the husband in the playpen . From what you have said he is a liability around small children . What is to stop him nipping out to the car / garden and leaving the front door open ? I would have to tell the parents regardless of the consequences .

It does seem that some men do not want to be bothered with child care when they are retired so opt out of responsibility. It is impossible to keep an eye on both of them 24/7 as there are lavatory visits,unexpected callers all sorts of things to distract you. I would talk to your family about the problem and see if you can care for your grandchild in their home and your husband stays at your house. You would find it so hard to come to terms with things if an accident occurred as a result of his carelessness. Sometimes we have to make tough decisions and this is one if those times in my opinion.
Wonder how older fathers cope especially those of 60 and over.

Could the playpen be for the husband?

Yet these men manage to hold down jobs, the world is run by white men yet we have to supervise them around children.

I don't think my OH is fully aware of the ability of small children to get into danger. He does not even seem to think about the danger of carrying mugs of hot tea about.
Is it more particularly men?
I think I am better attuned than OH to these potential dangers although no one is foolproof here.
My OH tends to wander off on ideas of his own, he does not have much understanding of the comprehension levels of small children.

We bought plug safety covers, safety catches for cupboards etc as well.

Then discovered that DGD2 could open the front door so had to put the chain on when she was little.

Playpen (akthough he is a bit too old for that at 2, unless introduced to one when he was a baby)

Reins

A stairgate (or more than one) to put across the kitchen door - this is what DS and DIL did to keep crawling babies and toddlers OUTof the kitchen when anyone was cooking, even making tea or coffee.
If I was cooking DH woukd watch the DGC in another room, now they are old enough to understand they must keep away from hot stoves.

You must have eyes in the back of your head with toddlers and you can't trust your DH to be safety conscious so it is all down to you.

I would definitely let the parents know and let them decided if they want to leave the child with you people anymore. Dil may need the help but she and ds may decide it is worth finding someone else or paying for a childminder. It doesn't have to mean you don't see gc anymore, just that you and dh don't have him on your own.

If she and ds are ok with it, as long as you keep gs with you, then, yes, that is what you need to do. I'm glad you're ready to do it. But can you really keep him with you every minute? I doubt it. So I would opt for that playpen or one of those fence things to put him behind for a few minutes if necessary. He may complain, but he'll be safe and it doesn't have to be for long. Just my opinion.