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AIBU

Jealous of daughter..

(18 Posts)
icbn2802 Mon 27-Mar-17 11:11:08

My daughter is expecting her 1st baby (my 2nd gc) and I can't deny feeling a certain amount of jealousy. It's triggering off memories of my own pregnancies-with a pretty unsupportive partner. He was never with me for any appointments, scans or even births. And it's just making me feel so sad. I'm struggling a bit with the idea that my daughter doesn't need my support as she has her loving partner (as was the case before my 1st gc was born) of course it's fantastic & I can only feel reassured. But on the other hand I feel a bit left out. My mum stepped in to support me all those years ago & I often feel that she's now too involved in my life. Whereas my own children have already severed those ties and getting on very nicely with their own. My mind (and heart) are all in a bit of a jumble. I should feel so happy but right now I'm kind of struggling......

MawBroon Mon 27-Mar-17 11:52:21

Hmm
I can sympathise, for many women it was their "prime" but you need to get back to reality.
Look at the opposite scenario, would you be happy if she were on her own, struggling, dependent on you?
If that being dependent is what you are missing then you are putting your own feelings first.
If you feel left out perhaps you are investing too much time and energy into her life and need to develop your own more. Look at the horror stories of grans who do not know how to let go on GN and be very afraid! Be warned also by your experience of your own Mum as you describe her. Many of us learn because of our parents' example, many (more?) learn despite their actions!!
You are not necessarily being jealous but it is reminding you of happy times. That's good! Enjoy that and enjoy this new stage in your life but do make sure you fill your time with things for YOU as well.
Try not to overthink this, relax, enjoy, keep things in perspective and don't beat yourself up about it flowers

icbn2802 Mon 27-Mar-17 12:13:28

I suppose I feel a bit caught in the middle. I can't change the past but it does trigger off those old memories. I'm so very aware of trying not to dominate preferring to let my daughter come to me turn to me when & if she needs probably because I now feel and can see just how too involved my own mum is in my life & I just don't want to be that way or for my daughter to feel that way towards me.

vampirequeen Mon 27-Mar-17 12:23:45

I feel a twinge whenever my daughters are pregnant. It's only because I loved being pregnant so much and it's something I can never have again. I'd love to be more involved but I know it's not my time anymore. So I accept and enjoy my grannie role and remind myself that I don't have to drink gallons of Gaviscon and have weekly blood tests anymore. Also I will still be sleeping all night when the baby arrives unlike my daughters and their partners grin

mumofmadboys Mon 27-Mar-17 12:25:08

You cannot help your feelings but you can try and understand them Don't feel badly for having these thoughts. I'm sure you are very thrilled that your daughter has a loving partner to share parenthood with and all it entails. It is bound to make you wish it had been better for you. Thank goodness you had a mum to support you.

icbn2802 Mon 27-Mar-17 12:49:11

Memories are wonders to cherish but can also be a [email protected]@dy nightmare. Hindsight........now that's another invention that can mess with your mind.......

judypark Mon 27-Mar-17 18:06:25

I don't think this is jealousy at all, just nostalgia of what you may have liked it to have been. Many of us here relied on our mums support during pregnancies, birth and those early days because husbands were just not included in the equation.
You should be applauded for raising a daughter who has wisely chosen a loving partner and become independent, you say that your children "have severed those ties".
You have done a great job, your daughter is an accolade to this. Children should never be " tied" to their parents.
What is worrying is that you state that is that your own mother is "now too involved in my life" you are clearly not happy about this, surely do not want history to repeat itself.
Look forwards to you new grandchild and congratulations.

Rinouchka Mon 27-Mar-17 18:40:59

I don't think it is jealousy but longing for a time that has now passed. As others have said, delight in your daughter's happiness and successful relationship with her partner and look forward to becoming a grandmother again. I too loved my four pregnancies and smiled longingly when my daughters became pregnant. But we are no longer on that chapter of our lives.
Do fill your life with more interests than your family: there is a whole world out there to explore. New interests might help you create some much needed independence from your own mother.

Many of us do feel both joy at our children's happy, independent lives mixed with nostalgia for the strong ties between us that may been loosened. A wise dad, on giving away his daughter in marriage, wished her happiness and "safe journey" as her "heart changed countries." This is what successful parenting allows to happen. flowers

Norah Mon 27-Mar-17 18:50:30

I'm at a loss, be happy for her independence. I desperately want my daughters to have it easier than I did. And in many ways they do. In other ways the world is in such a worse place and I fear for them and their future. But, like your daughter they have loving spouses, overall all is well.

Luckygirl Mon 27-Mar-17 19:49:30

We are all of an age when regrets creep in - many thing that we loved will not happen again.

Change is hard at any time of life; and it is tough losing that lynch pin role that was ours as Mums.

But we have to take joy in what our children are achieving and their success as parents.

We cannot help our feelings, but we can help what we do about them. I had a moment today when I heard that the "other" granny of one set of our DGChildren has taken early retirement (she is much younger than I) with the express purpose of being a more hands-on granny - I have no doubt that this will reduce our contact time with the little ones and there was a pang. I freely admit. But I know that I must rejoice in the wonderful relationship we have established with them and the great privilege that it has been - but life moves on and I would wish that granny 2 takes great delight in them and has her turn.

So -acknowledge how you feel; do not allow yourself to feel guilty abut that - you are human. But think through what the best reactions are to your family that will build up strong and happy relationships for the future.

Starlady Mon 27-Mar-17 21:31:08

Maybe if you start setting some boundaries with your own mum (no, it's not too late, imo), you'll be better able to see where the boundaries need to be with your own ac and to enjoy their independence?

Good job, btw, for bringing them up to cut those ties and be independent!

Judthepud2 Mon 27-Mar-17 21:57:06

I am so sorry to hear of your own sad experience of pregnancy and birth and I realise that you may feel a little excluded, but as others have said, well done for raising your daughter to be independent. It sounds as if you are recognising now that you are in a co-dependent relationship with your own mother and you are finding this difficult.

My 3rd daughter was twice left on her own to cope with pregnancy and birth by the fathers of her 2 boys. I had to step in and take what should have been a partner's role rather than that of a mother. It was a difficult time trying to hold her together not once but twice and our relationship was becoming co-dependent, until a counsellor helped me to see that it was damaging us both emotionally.

So be glad history is not repeating itself if you can and that you will have a healthy relationship with your DD, her supportive partner and the new baby. And do try to be kind to yourself. flowers

Nannarose Tue 28-Mar-17 10:11:44

Good advice above. My own suggestion:
Be glad you can admit this, if only to yourself, as it shows the kind of self awareness often lacking!
You have broken the chain, you are the one who could have passed down a destructive message, and you didn't. There are no medals, no thanks, but you know.
So, when you quietly admit your sadness / jealousy to yourself, also celebrate the job you have done.

My own 'difficult message' was around being overweight. I remain overweight, and I won't go into boring details; but I have raised my children to eat healthily and enjoy their physical prowess. When we are together, I hold all those emotions - some jealousy that they can do what I cannot, some sadness that I cannot take the pleasure that they do, and I make sure as well that I feel some pride in breaking the destructive cycle.

f77ms Tue 28-Mar-17 13:23:01

I fully understand ! For a lot of us in those times husbands were not supportive , never came to appointments , didn`t help out or have much to do with the baby etc. It maybe that you would just like to be included in all the excitement etc . I was very worried when my DIL was pregnant that I would be left out when the new little fella arrived but it has turned out just the opposite and it is me that she and my son have turned to for support . Maybe (and hopefully) you will be surprised that they will call on you for help after the baby is born with two children to cope with . xx

icbn2802 Wed 29-Mar-17 10:06:57

I suppose at some point in our lives we all go through a 'grass is greener.........' phase. We're often guilty of never being satisfied & we want or strive for more. I just want to have a relationship with each of my daughters where they know that I would do anything to help them out anytime they need (unless it's something requiring a magic wand, which I'm not lucky enough to own) . They've grown up, flown the nest and are settling down happily. Perfect! I respect they have their own lives & they know I'm always there for them. But what I'm finding frequently happening is I'm taking a step backwards enabling them to get on with day to day living and I, in turn am getting on with mine. But whilst I'm stepping back; giving them breathing space, my mum is often stepping into that same space. It's just so frustrating.....
But mums a real sensitive character and no one can say anything.

IngeJones Wed 05-Apr-17 10:17:32

As she doesn't need you as such I think you can still become a prominent part of the process by asking her often how things are going and sharing her excitement or concerns. She can feel your empathy and interest without having actual help from you. And there still might be little things you can do, like tracking down that particular bit of baby equipment she was wondering where she could get, or, I dunno - knit a teddy bear? Oh and tell her tales of her own babyhood - she will be more interested in them now probably than if you were telling them before. She may ask for opinion on things her baby is doing and you can say "well when you were that age you...(whatever) and I found (whatever) was helpful"

icbn2802 Mon 10-Apr-17 12:18:34

Oh dear......I'm feeling all kind of sad again. My daughter's got her 20 week scan today. It is, it really is just so exciting!!
But it's triggering those emotions again. Reminding me that time & time again I was let down by my partner. At every single scan I went through he should, in my mind have been there at my side, and not my mum......which now makes me feel left out with the knowledge that my daughter doesn't need me as her support as she's got her loving partner with her. I go round & round these same [email protected]@dy circles; I just know that one day I really will lose the plot 😕

IngeJones Mon 10-Apr-17 12:28:31

Something that sounds a bit cold, but it has worked on me in the past when I have unwanted intrusive thoughts, is the elastic band round the wrist trick. You know, the one where you snap it so it stings a little each time you find yourself with unhelpful thoughts or feelings? Sometimes a thought pattern is simply a habit that can be broken.