How do I deal with a difficult friend?

Oh - LADY I meant :D

You say you enjoy her friendship - but are you being really honest with yourself? If you feel resentful - and I can totally understand why - then perhaps not meet up so often.

This will give you time between meet ups to consider if you REALLY want to.

The big bag - she could try using a trolley bag for her very large purse. If she is becoming very immobile, I see no reason why not trying to get a blue badge - although these are usually linked to disabled benefits. But if you don't ask you don't get.

She sounds to me like she does not want to appear dependent upon others, but willingly accepts assistance when needed (I know someone very much like this).

Perhaps it's time for her to apply for Attendance Allowance, which would provide finance for care - the care you give when going out. As friends, you should be able to talk about these matters which could greatly help you both. Take care lovely lay xx

As you are in your eighties yourself, you need to take care not to fall. Therefore, to let her down lightly, I would be too busy to meet her next time. Just say you will phone her when you have more time. She is obviously not keen to drive any more, and maybe she shouldn't. You need to think more of your own safety, and she is being thoroughly selfish here. Some good suggestions about joining other luncheon groups.

Before your next outing, I'd phone and say, things are getting so expensive that from now on you each pay for your own meal. I'd also say in advance that now she s needing help with walking you are going to drop her off before parking. And stick to it!

Difficult but you have to be honest and say you are no longer able to keep this arrangement up. If she is unhappy about your decision, suggest you come round/she comes to yours/just for coffee and cake.

Age UK.libraries, CB might have some notions of where you might find a lunch club ....some can even arrange transport to pick you both up from your homes (there will be a charge,but not as much as a private taxi) in a mini bus ....it is not so much charity as a chance to meet other people for lunch and a chat and a reasonably priced meal you could both pay for separately ! She/you may not like the idea of a lunch club but it might solve the problem, If you suggest it to her anyway, see what her reaction is ,,,if it is negative tell her you simple do not have the money to pay petrol and a meal for you both and that your strength is not what it was ........if she has no sympathy or empathy and only wants to feel sorry for herself at these new arrangements, you simply have to say sorry ,,,give me a call if you would like to take up one of these ideas,,,,leave it at that and see what happens ! Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind !

I agree with others that you could drop her off at the door then go to park. Then when you get the bill put your half on the table and get up to go and get the car, leaving her to pay the balance

Possibly the friend doesn't want to apply for a blue badge because she feels that she is no longer up to driving, for whatever reason, but she doesn't like to say so.

The heavy bag reminds me of a young woman I knew at college. She had been shoving lots of stuff in her bag and not looking in it. It was part of her feeling very stressed and not wanting to think things through.
Maybe the friend feels a bit like this as her faculties diminish.

You can't keep putting up with all this, though, mauraB, and there are some great suggestions on this thread for you.

The money thing needs to be sorted out at some time when the bill is not immediately in front of you, I'd say, to remove pressure from you both.

50-50 bill each time.

Drop her off near door. Hazard lights on, help her out car, maybe get an employee to assist her, then park the car

Firstly about the blue badge. It is not necessary to be a driver to get one and I am always reminded to bring mine when going in someone's car. Walking sticks? You can get very pretty folding ones in a variety of colours on Amazon for peanuts. Regarding sharing the cost of lunch, I think it would be easier to each pay for your own food and drink rather than taking it in turns, and you need to let her know your thoughts on this when you are next due to go out, then you can remind her on the day to make sure she has her purse. If she pleads poverty simply say that you can cancel lunch that day and arrange another day when she is better placed. You have been a good friend to her and obviously enjoy her company but, forgive me for reminding you, you are no spring chicken yourself and the situation has gone on long enough.

Harsh as it sounds, why not try going down the route of telling her you can't make it a few times just to see if it sparks her into realising how kind you are to her.I know you enjoy your meals/ meets but it sounds like it's not going to last much longer if she carries on like this.

Perhaps your friend is beginning to suffer from dementia, has she always behaved like this or it iT a recent development?

I don't think you are responding to the comments on this thread Maura.

You say you enjoy her friendship- so don't lose it, just alter things a little. Next time you have a lunch date arranged ring the day before and explain you're short of time so will just call round for a coffee at her home with her, tell her you'll bring the cakes. Good luck x

I think that Bluebelle might be right, some older people do get a feeling of entitlement if their friends and family always pay for them and take them everywhere by car.
However you seem to value her friendship, so perhaps straight talking would be the answer, I have a feeling that subtlety might not work with this rather thick-skinned woman so you will have to be very straightforward!
handmadedogsweaters' suggestion is good. Also the idea of using a taxi, or splitting the bill for the meal every week - either way you'll pretty soon find out whether or not she wants to continue to go if she is paying for herself.

Ring her and tell her you can`t afford to go out next week as you have a big bill to pay, if she says ok. and doesn`t offer to take you out. Dump her.

Invest in one of those three wheeler thingies that help,with walking. Keep it in your boot and make her use it. Some have attachments for bags too so firmly place here in it.

Then inform her that you can no longer afford to pay for the outing weekly so in future you'll meet up once a fortnight if you are going to have to pay.

Be polite, grit your teeth and smile and make this al seem so reasonable she'll have to adjust to your needs.

I haven't read all the 3 pages of posts but I suspect there are some other good ideas there too.

Don't put up with this now - arrange to halve your costs - forget her paying for petrol - it won't happen or else drop her if it irritates you at all - there are always other friends!

But if Maura's friend doesn't drive can she be issued with a blue badge? I don't know anything about blue badges( yet)

She is being stubborn about not applying for a blue badge . Is she maybe worried about form filling. She could get one of the staff from her GPs practice to help, or go to Citizens advice. Maybe she has a family member who would assist her.

I would clearly say that the closeness of parking is an issue when taking her out!! And it's not easy for people who are driving her from A to B. She really has to consider other people.

Definitely agree with Terri The answer is 50:50. Tell her you are having to watch your money at the moment!

But it seems she doesn't pay - she only did on that occasion because the poster reminded her (and was made to seem mean as a result). It looks as though she plays the "Helpless old lady" card at every opportunity. The only counter to that is to call her bluff and play the "So am I!" trump card.

Maybe take a taxi each time you go for the meal. One of you pays one way and the other on the way home. This seems to be draining you emotionally as well as physically. Tell her you want a change from the usual routine and all the driving. Why does she need such a large heavy bag anyway? You can buy some lightweight crossbody bags ,so easy to use minimal items inside and she could carry her own bag then. Also there are variety of groups out there : example: knit + knatter, craft activities etc. Libraries often advertise these on their notice boards. That would get you both doing something different and make more friends. She might dig her heels in at these new arrangements BUT so must you. Your health is just as important as your friends.

So the last time she paid, she "made such a fuss" and she got "sympathy" whilst you got "reproachful looks" from the staff.

Really? I highly doubt that staff were giving a woman in her eighties a reproachful look for allowing her friend to pay. Especially as you are presumably regulars if you only ever go there.
I think you were seeing shadows where there were nones

So, she made a fuss. As long as she pays, and you enjoy her company, i would suck up the "fuss".

What a strange 'friend' When I go out with a girlfriend, the driver does not buy lunch and we seem to take it in turns so it works out OK.

I think an honest 'cards on the table' chat is overdue. Where you can put all your objections up for discussion. If your friend objects, then you have lost nothing. I would have to get a better basis on which to base my friendship. You mustn't allow others to treat you like this.

There are many times in life we have to, as the saying goes,be cruel to be kind
Your own welfare is at stake and although your friend has health problems and I understand you don't want to upset or hurt her feelings ,YOU come first.
Put your cards on the table and if she is a true friend
she will or should consider your health and feelings.

It's more difficult cos you've "allowed" this situation to develop so NOW is the time to have this conversation with your friend. Pop round at another time and, during the conversation, say we need to talk about our outings.
Then state you cannot continue to fund both your meals AND pay patrol AND pay parking too. So from now on it has to be split equally, each pay for their own food and she to pay parking. And so that you are not embarrassed in public!
AND you have to tell her that you can no longer let her lean on you and carry her bag or you're both going to have a fall. So a solution must be found.
You'll have to judge her reaction. If she's a true friend a solution will be willingly found. If she's just "using" you, sadly time to call it a day and find another group of less needy friends.
Go for it-it will only get worse!