I think this is very sad.

I think, from experience, that she was probably scared and frightened of something that she had no control over and was out of the ordinary. The bag under the eye abvioisly worried her and she didn't know how to cope with it or understand it, other than not have to encounter it. Be patient and explain that the very thing she was frightened off is not there anymore.

My 3 year old son refused to cuddle or kiss me when I had my waist length hair cut to shoulder length. He said I wasn't 'his mummy' anymore. It broke my heart (especially as I was a bit upset at having the hair cut anyway but as he had learnt to stand by pulling himself up on it & I was expecting another baby I didn't want to got through that again & it took ages to dry too!)

Half an hour later despite giving me strange looks he was back to being cuddled again & by the next day had forgotten it completely.
I bet your GD won't mention it again either if you just ignore it. They haven't learnt tact at that age.

My nephew was about the same age 4yrs, he would not kiss my cheek because I had a mole behind my ear. Gone now, I quickly had it removed. Parents should teach their children not to judge a book by its cover. In simple terms of course.

Some of the most intelligent people I know in my life have their hair in a raster style, and wear hippy clothes. They are just trying to make a statement, ie I do not conform to the norm. Some of the oldies you see in the street could be cockle shell heroes or medical consultants/vets that have retired. Everyone has a story to tell. I bet some of them would surprise you with theirs.

DH & I (64 & 62) have both started to need to wear glasses for reading. Our 2 year old GD says "take your glasses off" Perhaps she is just not used to us in them, but she's quite emphatic about it. She has however, realised that when she's here, the glasses need to stay on for the bedtime story!

My DS aged 2 told me my face was all shabby! As that was nearly 50 years ago I can't imagine what it looks now!

I think this thread is addressing two distinct issues.

Young children don't have the language and social skills to realise that an honest factual observation such as "You're very old aren't you granny?" can be seen as tactless or hurtful and yes, they will 'grow out of it' as they become more linguistically and socially sophisticated.

Jellybean's granddaughter then went on to make a value judgement based on appearance. As she's only 4 I wouldn't criticise her but I would guide her to think about this in the way Rigby suggests.

There are so many haters in this world who judge people in terms of race,
disability etc that I think its really important that our children hear wise counsel and learn to be kind and tolerant.

When my daughter was little I made her a Clothkits doll and only realised when I'd finished that I'd put the arms and legs on the wrong sides so the shoe buckles were on the insides and the thumbs faced backwards. I was a very busy working mum and decided to leave it as it was. My bright 4 year old spotted my mistake right away and I turned it into a lesson about how we still love people (and dolls) even if they aren't perfect. She still teases me about this at 39 but the lesson was well learnt.

My husband has a skin tag on his eye and when I first met him I found my eyes drawn to it the whole time. I found it disconcerting and with his very gappy teeth and a little brown baby tooth, he was quite the opposite of attractive to me. I remember saying to someone that I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole if he was the last person on earth. However, I really liked him as a person and nearly 25 years later, don't even notice them. Maybe your GD feels the same sort of discomfort but isn't mature enough to know what it is or sophisticated enough to separate dislike from discomfort. If he is pleasant to her she will soon start to feel differently.

Relate to this... when I was 3-4 we had a lovely lady who began to come and cleaned for my mother in Baltimore (1950s) when she had health problems. Elizabeth was black. I'd never seen a black person before and my parents had never mentioned her skin colour at all. So guess who piped up as asked Elizabeth why her face was dirty (she wore long sleeves and a skirt, so didn't notice the rest!)

Mother was mortified and almost smacked me, but Elizabeth just laughed and said something like... Honeychile you haven't seen a coloured person before have you. Interesting discussion followed!

I loved her... she was kind and funny and full of hugs when my own mother was going through depression and ill health.

I am also the same 4 year old who waved our neighbours off to a funeral saying (what I thought was polite)... 'Have a good time!'

Young children can learn the right way to react and deal with things, and they need explanations. To be fair, they are only viewing the world based on what they see and hear directly. Tact can be taught.

My late old mum never tired of telling just about anyone who would listen that myself at the age of six had embarrassed my mum by asking our kind and friendly old neighbour if she the neighbour was a witch?
Well the neighbour did I recall, and my mum had to agree, always wore her clothes long and always in black did have a hook nose and her pet was a black cat.
I did have a vivid imagination and a fascination for reading books on witches wizards and magic.
Still interested and read on the' unusual' this time though on what may be out in space.?

I would not worry about anything a four year old said. They have no idea of what is hurtful. They learn as they get older. I would gently explain the concept of hurting someone's feelings.

Agree with everyone - she's just a child and they do say things like that as everyone has testified. Make a joke of it - pull a face and say "look I've got a funny face.........." and certainly don't stop your DP visiting.

To be honest I think its good that she feels able to express what she is feeling honestly to you. This is a wonderful opportunity to teach tolerance and understanding of differences ...talk to her about your partners kindnesses to her etc etc, talk about how even though it is sometimes hard for him because his legs don't work he still has time to spend with her and love her, he still enjoys the same things that we all do etc etc. Talk to her about something on you ...hair colour, a mole whatever ...tel her how sad you would feel if someone stopped liking you because of your mole, because the mole might look funny but it doesn't change the person you are...these are just examples but basically you are helping her to consider the rights and wrongs of prejudice in a constructive way...she definitely should not be allowed to make the choice about your partner visiting ...what do her parents think?

When I was four I told my aunty that nobody liked her, this was because I had not got my own way! pinch of salt and keep going round with your partner. When she's older and you tell her what she said she'll be mortified as I was when my aunty told me years later.

Reading these has made me chuckle!
My dd at 3 yrs old when we were travelling on the train said to a lovely old chap sitting opposite,' my goodness you do have a big nose' I could have died, but the man just said 'yes sweetheart I do, an you have a small nose' and they continued to chat away.

A few months ago my DGD aged 4 sat on my lap and stroked my face. As she gazed lovingly at me she said, "Grandma, I do like your whiskers, they're so neat". It still makes me laughs when I think about it.

when young children say hurtful things like that it's only repeating what they have heard their parents say, the little ones don't realise they are being hurtful, if their parents say it then they think it's ok

If she still says it when she is 14, you could have a problem. it was a good opportunity to explain that lots of people have different bits & piece on their bodies. ?

Spindrift
when young children say hurtful things like that it's only repeating what they have heard their parents say, the little ones don't realise they are being hurtful, if their parents say it then they think it's ok

I don't think that is true - it is true that they don't realise what they say could be hurtful but most sensible people realise that small children say things in a straightforward way, they are artless and it is only by being gently told that they will realise that it is not always kind to point out someone's faults.

We've had a good giggle at some of the things they have said (not until they are out of earshot of course!).

Lots of interesting comments, for which many thanks. My DGD is a very bright 4 year old who is quite a handful, stubborn and assertive. My son occasionally despairs, my DIL is more laid back. I remember when we saw her at Christmas she asked my partner 'why have you got that thing under your eye?' He was a bit taken aback, but answered as best he could. Later in the day she said to me 'you can come to my house, but not Roger: I don't like Roger'. I ignored it then as he was not at his best that day anyway after an influx of my relations! It didn't upset me, I just thought it was sad. And she hadn't forgotten it as she mentioned his eye when I saw her last month. I did say to her that how people look doesn't make them a bad or horrid person. Perhaps next time we see her, she'll think differently. She's a lovely girl, very pretty and much loved by all. And great fun!!!

If she likes Beauty and the Beast perhaps you could talk to her about it using a theme from that:
ohmy.disney.com/movies/2014/07/23/11-life-lessons-from-beauty-and-the-beast/

Not saying, she hastily adds, that your OH looks like the Beast, but that physical imperfections are not important, it's what is inside someone that matters.

It would be a good life lesson to learn before she starts school and perhaps meets other children who may look a bit different from what children consider to be 'beautiful'.

My 4 year old DGD said one day when I was bending over "gosh Nana you've got a huge bum" So true!

I tend not to get annoyed with wee oones who are what my old granny called passremarkable,I cant stand adults though who say people are "ugly" usually they aren't oil paintings themselves but even if they were its a horrible thing to say.I can honestly say I have never seen anyone who I thought was ugly and our kids have always been taught that people come in all shapes and sizes a variety of looks...but generally they all have one nose one mouth two eyes and two ears ...and as long as they have that theres no need to pass comments on them .As for guys ( my husbands friend) who always passed comments about womens bodies even when his young son was in the car...that makes me very angry .

My neighbour cut his forehead recently. His 3-year-old granddaughter saw him a week later, when it had all been cleaned up but was still bruised, and she wouldn't go near him. She's OK now, after reassurance that Grandad is OK and it's nothing to be afraid of.

Yes, it could be fear and she needs reassurance.

All part of the learning curve

Well since the child is intelligent, and definitely on top of how to express herself and has already had the eye explained to her, I think it's not inappropriate at this stage for someone to tell her firmly that people with things wrong with their faces are just as good as people with perfect faces and she needs to be nice to everyone whether their skin is perfect or whether it has blemishes (think of a child-friendly word for blemish lol). It sounds like she needs this social training so as not to end up upsetting a future classmate who might have some kind of birth defect etc.