That people will listen.

grr Started not stared !

Oh I am glad it isn't just me and that I'm not being unreasonable. Sometimes DH and I make a joke of it and play a little game or two I.e counting how many times said person refers to themselves/holidays/money. At golf the conversation can be dire as you can imagine. If I can stop someone regurgitating their last game to me its only to get them talking about their bloody golf holidays. DH bowls as I know you will remember (!)and they are the absolute worst. I have had to sit through a few dinners and as I don't bowl and know nothing about it (and ever more will be so) they just ignore me!!! Means I can daydream about Jeremy Paxman - think what a lively conversation I could have with him.

Active listening with so many distractions! Just had an example of NON active listening. We've just returned from Madeira where we went specifically to see the Flower Parade (now in its 30th year). When I put some photos on FB my friend commented "Did you know about the parade before you went?" She has been in a special place herself so obviously not actively listening to me going on about the holiday. Active listening take effort and I think we are just getting a little lazy in our listening habits- as I say too many distractions, not enough silence.

Again I'm so glad it's not just me! DS and family just talk amongst themselves whilst I'm telling them something and I can't believe it! I've got a theory that it's because of television, people just talk over the television and can't understand how rude it is when it's someone in the same room! Even on the phone, my son is always doing something, I'll say "what are you doing?" "oh, playing football with William" or "loading the dishwasher"!!!! I actually said to this, for goodness sake, can't you give me your attention? No, it's fine, he says. DD is almost as bad, she turns and says something to DGD WHILST I AM TALKING! It's so rude! I don't do it, I listen when someone's talking.

I do so agree with you Teetime. I make quite an effort to try and ask people about their lives and their concerns, expecting the same in return, but very often I end up on the receiving end of a complete monologue. We are losing the art of conversation and I am sure its down to modern technology plus of course the 'me, me' culture. I was on the train yesterday sitting alone in a four seat configuration and three girls in their twenties joined me. I expected them to chatter endlessly away and they sat in almost total silence for the entire forty minute journey, each of them glued to their phone. Occasionally one would read out a text message from some mutual friend which would be barely acknowledged by the others who were tranfixed by their own screens. Incredible and all a bit worrying.

DH used to go to the pub before he was too poorly, and he and his friend would sit at a table with two glasses of beer, talking. Everyone else would be eavesdropping and trying not to laugh out loud. Each of the two old boys would have their own thread of 'conversation' going and when the other stopped talking, would continue what he had been saying previously, two completely separate monologues, with intervals to swap over, but no actual engagement with the other. If someone else tried to join in, the two would stop and gaze into their glasses, but at the first pause would resume (mid-sentence, often) exactly what they had been saying earlier.

Not a man-thing, then? Nor an early manifestation of dementia? Just humans, apparently. I had wondered.

I have a friend who asks one question at the beginning of a conversation and listens to about thirty seconds of the answer before interrupting and then holding forth on her own topics. I once timed her and at forty minutes without stopping I made an excuse that I needed to do something urgent and got up and left the table for a minute. She started again the second I sat down and I felt like eating my own leg. I like her but I cannot stand the relentless flow. I didn't see her at all last year and I am putting off a visit she wants to make this year.

How I agree. I actively listen and ask open ended questions to help the conversation along but very rarely do I get the same treatment back. I go away feeling I must be the most boring person ever cos no one wants to know about me or mine. Then I realise it's not me they are just self centred. Sorry folks if I offend anyone

aggie
Do not be concerned it was not your fault.
Don't we all meet this type?.I feel sorry, call me patronising if you wish,for those whose mind does not or cannot focus on what someone else is saying but wanders off into a world of their own. This indicates there is pressure within their lives therefor cluttering up the part of the brain ie medial temporal cortex, that would enables them to take in the present and absorb what another is saying to them.
Sorry! I must stop watching these medical programmes.

Meant enable not enables

I blame the different types of phones/'puters.
Some local friends spend half time in France and half in Florida. They returned here yesterday and came to see us last night.
I went to make them a drink and when I came back in the room they were both glued to their gadgets! She has a small item and his was, I think, a tablet.
I sat down and eventually asked them how their sons were doing and they got going at last. But still kept going back for a quick look. Were really interested in how things are in the USA and normally they're great converstionalists.They're in their 50s.
We've got one basic mobile phone and hardly ever use it.

Whilst I agree with everything everyone says, and I often wonder why I bother to say things, I do think that a young mother is justified in interrupting a conversation to warn a small child - who they will be watching whilst speaking to you - of a dangerous situation.

My problem is that I am wary of being thought nosy, if I ask other people about themselves, so sometimes I am the one who talks overmuch about their own problems/family/situation.

This is not the norm, however, and people have also called me a "good listener" when in truth I just couldn't have got a word in edgeways anyway.

It's always enjoyable though, to be able to say "I told you so" - if a comment you have made was only heard by a couple of people and ten minutes later someone with a louder voice has the same idea.

Unless it was a particularly witty comment. Then, it's annoying if someone makes the joke 10 minutes later.

For a one-to-one conversation we ought to devise some stratagies.

e.g.: Agree at the outset that each interlocuter has a set - and equal - time to speak (Say 3 or 5 minutes)

Finish a short report (e.g. on your family) with a question, to see if they were really listening. - "What would you have done in that situation?" or "Do you think that was the right thing to do?" - "Are all daughters like that?"

Keep a mental tally and interrupt them as often as they interrupt you.

Learn to be rude.

The same thing happens to me when I post on GN. ?
I make a point which I think is valid to the thread, three post later sometime else says the same thing and its "good post there, very true".
However I have seen the same thing happen to others so we can grit our teeth together.

JackyB I to have been called a 'good listener' I think for the same reason. I have a lovely friend who can't wait to get everything off her ample chest but I know that eventually she will ask what I've been up to.

Reminds me of my late mother. I have suffered from arthritis from a relatively early age and often did not feel well with the pain. She would ring and say 'How are you?' but before waiting for an answer would say My grass is getting so long, you'd think that (here insert whatever disparaging name of the day she called my brother) would help.' Then I'd get a litany of her discontent about 'the state of the house' (which was always pristine in comparison to my own).

We used to have amusing Christmas gatherings of my mother, and her three sisters: each would be talking to one another, with different conversations and none of then listened to what the others were saying!

The truth is that some people have an internal chatter that blocks out what others are trying to say

I used to believe that we spent our life waiting for our turn to talk. It seems that people aren't waiting their turn nowadays!

When I was younger I would have thought it bad manners not to actively listen to someone. I do have a couple of friends who aren't good listeners and break into conversations to change the subject to what they really want to talk about. Greyduster I was at a party and sitting chatting to a lady when a man sat down on the other side of her. He was obviously going to be a more interesting proposition because she literally turned her back on me and cut me off mid-sentence! So rude although DH and I do laugh about it now.

Annoying isn't it A60?

I bumped into a friend the other day and noticed she was limping so asked what was wrong. She said her knee was 'giving her hell'. That must have jogged something in her memory as she remembered I'd been almost crippled with a bad knee 18 months ago, so she asked what helped me get better. I didn't get one sentence out before she interrupted telling me everything she'd tried that hadn't worked.

I eventually escaped totally worn out having had her absorb all my energy ?????

I had a couple of friends that were just the same found it so frustrating especially when you were halfway through a conversation they would start talking to one another about something else.
So don't bother seeing them now.
Funny thing is I have a friend who is 10 years younger then me we were TAs in a school I retired and she is still working, when we meet up we enjoy one another's company and have lots of laughs.

I'm with you, Welshwife on this one - I also thought it was just me! It seems to have been happening for quite a while and I find I tend to mostly just keep quiet now as anything I say is ignored. Perhaps I'm not quite the most boring person in the world after all.

i find it sad seeing people in a cafe or restaurant with their families and they're all using their mobiles. i must admit that my family do that when we sit down after we've decided on our meals. however while most other people still sit and look at their mobiles while eating, we insist that mobiles are put away.

I experienced something like this very sharply in my job when I transitioned (male to female). I went from being a member of the team with opinions that could be heard to just a woman. I suppose this does mean they accepted my new identity!

Rosie21 - Madeira and flower parade sounds fabulous!

Active listening is hard, we try not to have phones etc on us when we meet as a family for a meal but sometimes ..... !

And some of my friends are totally self centred - so I don't see them too often. ?

It's definitely not just you that this happens to and not are you being unreasonable.

My SIL is the worst culprit ..... He asks me a specific question raning from gardening to health to whatever he wants my opinion I start to talk, I see him glaze over. Last time this happened I honestly muttered under my breath "oh! Talking to myself as usual". He was so far gone he didn't even hear .... My DD did and shot me a 'look'. I got up, walked into the kitchen. My SIL who prides himself on having excellent manners simply didn't notice.

Actually I find it not just rude but also hurtful. I like to think I listen to my friends and am aware of any dramas or important issues in their lives. Perhaps I'm an incredible bore!

Don't answer that one !!

DH and I have a bet - when I meet someone for coffee we say "5 minutes?" meaning that that person will listen to me talking about me/mine for 5 minutes and spend the other 55 minutes talking about themselves/family/friends/dogs etc.

Am I a good listener? Am I too polite to stop their "organ recital"? Should I butt in more often? I don't know. But since I am a rather private person, it doesn't worry me too much - except it becomes very tiresome and makes the "relationship" rather one-sided.
So, no, teetime, you are absolutely not alone.