AIBU to not feel any gratitude?

I look after my granddaughter 3 days a week, my daughter works 4, and if my granddaughter is asleep or playing with her toys , I do I few jobs around there home. I always think i'm just helping out, and helping her work load when she is home with her daughter. sometimes I do wonder if I am stepping on anyones toes. if it was me, I would jump at the chance of help.

You are kind enough to make a cake for them! She is kind enough to try and help with a possibly less pleasant job! What on earth is the problem?"She's your mum ...thank her for the help, or tell her you like it messy! Enjoy their visits, don't waste time on stressing about something unimportant. I wish my mum was here to cake a cake for.....!!!!

icbn Maybe as you were doing something nice for your DM (baking) she thought she would do something nice for you ! one day you will look at that very garden and wish with all your heart your DM was still here to sweep the path.

Oh poor sluttygran! At least my DD stops short of the antibacterial spray but, unlike your immaculate house, there's definitely room for improvement here! I'd just prefer it if she shut her eyes to it & stopped referring to "your stuff"! What stuff? I see no stuff...but I love her, she is as she is so I let her get on with it!

Seems you know what the underlying problem really is, icybean: your mum is restless. It's not about you. Maybe that's why it irks you so much (not said unkindly just a thought thrown into the ring).

I'm with seacliff, don't feel offended. She's trying to do her bit. My mum never did anything - if we all had a cup of tea she would take her cup through and wash it and leave the rest! Life is too short - my mum has gone and I'd love to see her washing just her own cup again.

Awwww how sweet - reminds me of my own mother many years ago when she would visit and for some reason would target my oven? I remember at first as a newly married woman (many many years ago) I took offence thinking was my mother saying I was a hopeless housewife ? But after time I let her do what she wanted - and it made her feel still wanted and useful - which I will add was very useful!!!?

The fact that it was your mum I'd just put down to, she's being a mum, she see's something that needs doing and just did it without thinking. She happen thought she was helping, I'd say go for it mum. I'd be more put out if it was my MIL but in saying that they still have that urge to mother and help, it's just taken the wrong way, it's the bad MILs who spoil it for the good one's who have good intentions.

Take control. Next time she comes ask her to Hoover or sweep the path while you make a pot of tea or bake a cake. I had to babysit a sick DGD for a week while the parents were away . It was a spur of the moment request and I didn't have time to pack anything for my idle hands. They had no tv and only very pop music or very highbrow on an incredibly complicated music system. While sick GC was sleeping I dusted and put into alphabetical order their bookcase. Don't really care whether they were cross or not as I was going out of my skull with boredom. They had a cleaner and she was my only contact in the human race other than the baby. If your mum was bored be kind . Some of us can't sit still and when visiting our daughters expect them to speak to us not disappear off to bake.

Just be ggrateful! Probably makes her feel useful

My mil lived in a flat but always really missed her garden, so I loved her to enjoy my garden, pottering around, dead heading and doing little things which gave her so much pleasure, especially as I let her think she was really helping me! I always remember one occasion, when she had been sweeping the pathways, and was very pleased to tell my hall carpet had "come up lovely" after she had brushed it all over with the garden broom!

It would irritate me. If you get on well surely she could have asked if you wanted it done. My mother went to my house once while I was at work and cleaned all the windows, I wasn't happy. If she had rung and offered it would have been ok but just to go ahead in someone else's home is not a good thing in my opinion

I understand what you mean, OP. She probably just wants to help and instead of just twiddling her thumbs while you were baking she wanted to do something BUT I can see how it can come across as interfering.
I think I'd try to let it go though, save your ire for something that is bigger, iyswim.

When I babysit I often do the ironing if it's out there to do or put the bin out if I remember and she hasn't or if she's rushed out and there's washing up to do I do it I wouldn't be ringing her up and saying do you want me to .....and that's for either daughter I wouldn't for my daughter in law as there is never a crumb out of place And I wouldn't if I d been invited round for a meal or a coffee

Your mum was just trying to help, I think it was a good thing for her to do. If you had said 'hey that looks so much better' you would have made your mum very happy. I would be saying 'mum, come over I would love to see you and I need my path swept'

On the other hand I would never do anything for my daughters without asking first, too risky, they might react like you did.

I'm just having a whinge.....mum's doing things that I find irritating at times....it's not a constant thing and maybe it could simply be that yesterday I just felt she overstepped the mark. I'm never going to say anything to her (she's way too sensitive for that kind of thing) so I guess I've got to find a way of managing it in my own head.
I can understand that others may think I'm being over sensitive & I should be more grateful. I am always grateful for any help.... but when I've asked for it!!

It can be so boring to be in someone else's home while they are working on a task. I detest it and am much happier to be involved and helpful.

Perhaps it helps your mum to feel included as opposed to being a 'visitor'.

Maybe mention it to mum - in a light hearted way, and come to a happy agreement that suits both of you.

Communication can make a big difference.

You've made me worry a bit as I do jobs for my daughter sometimes when we are babysitting but only in the kitchen or the children's bedrooms.
I don't think it bothers her although I may be a bit more careful in future. Last time we were there she asked me to help her to clean out the kitchen cupboards.

We are all control freaks to some extent ("we" being us housewives, whatever we call ourselves)

When the children came along, they taught me that there are other ways of doing things, and I learned to grit my teeth together and accept that, if the result was vaguely to my specifications, I had to let them do things their way.

Or here's an example of my mother's way vs my way. My mother took over the kitchen after lunch one day when she was visiting. She had it straight in no time (would have taken me at least an hour). I noticed that her way of dealing with a full rubbish bin was to push everything down and compress it, whereas I would have taken the bin out and emptied it. Her solution was far more economical.

Similarly, my DS often taught me other ways to do things, too, which made more sense.

grammaH I do feel for you! My DD is a real clean freak and is diagnosed as suffering OCD. I haven't set foot in her house for a year or more, nor has anyone else, for fear of contamination. When she visits me - almost daily - she sprays everything with antibacterial spray and vacuums my already spotless house. She really does make me feel very grubby, but I don't stop her because she would be distressed. Relationships really aren't easy, are they?

Years ago when my mum used to babysit, she would do all my ironing. I was so grateful as i hated ironing but she loved it. I would never be offended if my mum helped out in my house. Sadly she's long gone.

As most have said so far, I would feel exactly the same as you, but if I was your Mum I'd have done the same as her.

Perhaps she should have asked you first if there was anything I could do to help, instead of finding something herself. She obviously wanted to do something but be out from under your feet while she did it.

My lovely mum used to do that, only found out after she had died she just wanted to be useful and to please me. I wish I had appreciated this small effort more.

Go straight round to your Ma's place at the earliest opportunity and do exactly the same thing!

See how SHE likes it......

I fully understand your frustration, my DM is 88 & I recently went to stay with her for 2 weeks (she lives 300 miles away from me). She frequently made remarks which made me feel she was treating me like a child, I'm 61.

The worst was when I was driving (she has had to give up her licence), I've been driving since I was 17, clean licence, but she would act a little bit like Hyacinth Bucket, think it is related to her having been a driver rather than a comment on my driving skills, at least I hope so.

It used to annoy me if when she came to stay if she did things without saying, do you mind? or where is the brush so I can sweep the path?

I think the annoyance is some-one doing a task (which probably does need doing but might not be high on your list of priorities) without asking. I would not dream of going into my DD's home & starting tidying up etc (she has a messy but comfortable home but mine's not a palace), I go to visit DD & DGS.

I wouldn't say anything to Mum as we both realise that we are independent, both widowed & used to pleasing ourselves