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AIBU to not feel any gratitude?

(142 Posts)
icbn2802 Thu 11-May-17 15:08:22

Two of my daughters & my mum are round today. I've just had my arm twisted to do a bit of baking ( I love it so need no hesitation) but whilst I'm in the kitchen I've just watched mum sauntering into the shed, poke around looking for a broom & has then proceeded to start sweeping my garden. OK it's pretty messy & in need of some attention but AIBU to be kind of peeved about this? I feel this is some kind of judgement on the state of my home & how I run my ship. At no time have i ever asked for help or even dropped hints that I don't cope. It's not like I'm struggling & on my own or anything. I know it's pretty petty in the whole scheme of things but I sometimes think that mum forgets that I don't need her guidance anymore. I'm 46, a mum & nan myself AIBU???

gillybob Thu 11-May-17 15:13:18

I do think YAB (a teensy bit) U icbn2802 Maybe your mums heart was in the right place and she just thought that she could repay the favour (in a kind of one good turn deserves another way)by doing something little for you. smile

Lazigirl Thu 11-May-17 15:13:39

I know how you feel. My MIL when she occasionally stayed with us would rush off to clean the loo if we had unexpected visitors. It wasn't in a gruesome state either - not by my standards anyway. smile I certainly didn't feel grateful.

NanaandGrampy Thu 11-May-17 15:20:47

Once a mum always a mum.

Did you say anything ?

I think your Mum was only trying to help and it was no criticism about your home. She saw something that needed doing and just got on with it .

If you'd rather she didn't say so .

Lynnebo Thu 11-May-17 15:22:15

Aw bless her, she was probably just looking for something to do while you were busy and wanting to help. Yes, i am sorry but I do think you are being unreasonable.

icbn2802 Thu 11-May-17 15:28:36

I think she does things because they annoy her. Before now I've walked into my front room to find her crawling around on all fours picking up crumbs as I've not got around to hoovering. I know she means well & wouldn't purposely do anything to upset anyone-ever! But like I said I feel it as a kind of judgement. I've visited my own daughters before now, asked if there's anything I can do to help & come away thinking 'OMG how can you live like that' when they turn down my offer to help. But I appreciate that in their home I am just a visitor. ...

Ilovecheese Thu 11-May-17 15:40:27

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I do the same as you when I visit my daughters.
My own late mother used to rearrange the ornaments in my house because she didn't like the way I had them, it used to really annoy me.

thatbags Thu 11-May-17 15:55:22

Sweeping up stuff in the garden wouldn't bother me. Mt mother-in-law used to muck in and do some weeding when she visited (once a year). Some people can't sit still.

On the other hand when my mum visited while the kids were small, she asked how could I relax when there were still toys about after they'd gone to bed? I think I had just swept some to one side with my foot before sitting down with a much needed cup of tea. I replied: "Very easily, but you're welcome to clear them up if you want to." She didn't.

I don't think she made another comment for about twenty years when we were out walking Baby Minibags in her pram in a rather muddy park. As we walked I scooped up some bundles of dry grass and put them in the basket under the pram. Mum asked what it was for. "To clean the mud off the wheels before the pram goes in the car". Y'know what? She was actually impressed! grin

Anniebach Thu 11-May-17 16:04:15

She saw the path needed sweeping so swept it , thst isn't giving guidance , you sound as if you have a bit of guilt about that path speaking of judgement and guidance

grannylyn65 Thu 11-May-17 16:07:03

Yes !!

Christinefrance Thu 11-May-17 16:07:58

Yes I agree with N& G once a Mum etc. Think its just an automatic thing to see a job and help with it. You are a little unreasonable as I don't think it was a reflection on the state of your home. Maybe the crumb thing was a bit OTT but its a need of hers to be tidy it seems.

suzied Thu 11-May-17 16:22:55

It would irritate me . My MiL used to look under the sofa cushions for crumbs and then go and gets dustpan and brush to sweep them up and expect me to be thankful, when it was all I could do to shout at her to stop it.

TerriBull Thu 11-May-17 16:44:08

I remember my paternal granddad coming to our house and going out in our garden and telling my father he didn't think much of his runner bean and tomato output or his gardening skills. My dad was really peeved, it stood out in my mind because it was the first time I'd heard him complain about either of his parents.

ninathenana Thu 11-May-17 17:00:09

That's just the sort of thing my mum would have done as she liked to feel usefulI. I'd have been happy to let her get on with it.
Now if it was MiL ..........angry not that she ever did.

Lona Thu 11-May-17 17:01:25

I think she was just being helpful. My mum used to always wipe the top of my kitchen bin ( it was a bit messy sometimes) but I just made a joke of it and we'd laugh.
Be glad that she feels at home with you. ☺

paddyann Thu 11-May-17 17:06:23

my mum in law used to do my ironing when she visited,she hates a full basket and mine is rarely empty ...I never complained.Shame she's not fit to do it now though,she's itching to get her hands on it so I have to keep it hidden

icbn2802 Thu 11-May-17 17:16:51

I can't say anything to her, ultra sensitive nature. But it just niggles. I know I am being very petty...... yes she's only trying to help, doing things that need doing etc etc but tbh who's opinion should matter in my home? Surely that'll be mine or my husbands! When I go to see my daughters that's exactly what I'm doing seeing them not seeing what I think needs doing in & around their home. Their 'mess' should not be & is not my concern, unless they ask for help or accept my offer.

seacliff Thu 11-May-17 17:32:13

She loves you, feels at home with you as her daughter, she's just trying to help. You're doing some baking, as part of the family, she wants to do her bit too. She'd probably be upset to know how you are feeling.

Couldn't you rise above it and take it in the spirit it was intended ... and I'm pretty sure she isn't judging you. You are lucky to have your Mum around, enjoy your days with her.

Luckygirl Thu 11-May-17 17:38:52

Send her round here! I would not be the least offended by this and would not regard it as a personal slight - I do not care who or why, I am very happy indeed for someone else to do all the jobs I can't be arsed to do! smile

rosesarered Thu 11-May-17 17:39:40

You are right icbm but at the same time your Mum maybe wants to feel useful to you.Let her do a few things to help you if she wants to.
Personally I find I have enough to do in my own house without doing anything at my DD's houses.

Luckygirl Thu 11-May-17 17:40:43

I do think you are being a bit touchy here - there may be history that causes you to feel like this, but looking at it from the outside I think you are hugely over-reacting. Sorry!

mumofmadboys Thu 11-May-17 17:52:33

My late mum used to ask when I had last cleaned my shoes! I would say I can't remember but if you want to do them that would be great! She said no thanks. I had five kids so shoe cleaning wasn't high on my job list. Similarly when did I last clean the windows? I used to inwardly seeth!! At least your mum is just getting on with it without making a fuss/ statement.

M0nica Thu 11-May-17 18:03:13

I am obviously not a 'proper' mother. I go to my DC's houses and will just sit down and enjoy their company. If there house is untidier than mine that is entirely their business. If they are preparing a meal I will offer to help and usually lay the table and help clear it, but otherwise, visiting DC is an opportunity to sit down, relax enjoy the company of DC and DGc and let someone else do the work.

icbn2802 Thu 11-May-17 18:17:24

It's what I do when I visit my daughters. I still have children at home & am kept busy with my own home. So when I go visiting I'll always ask if there's anything I can do to help, the answer is 9 times out of 10 ' no thanks' despite me under my breath questioning 'are you sure?' as I discreetly scan the place. I'll take that 'no' as my final answer & enjoy the time & chance not to have responsibility for a while.

Deedaa Thu 11-May-17 18:24:20

It's the mother thing I think. I'm quite happy if my children do a bit of clearing up when they visit, but I'd have been a bit miffed if my mother had done it. Although DD is always quite happy to come home and find her washing up done!