AIBU to not feel any gratitude?

Rather than let your understandable frustration grow until it explodes into a row with your mum, why don't you take control and plan a task for her for her next visit? You're not going to stop her so be the one in charge!

My MIL always did housework when she came to stay; irritating because we'd always done an extra clean before her visit. My DH mentioned it to my FIL who said "Don't be offended. If I sat still for too long she'd dust me. She enjoys cleaning. (We arrived home from work the next day to find him painting our laundry room!)?

Oh dear, I do feel sorry for you. In a way, I can empathise but it's not my mum who sweeps in and does things unasked, it's DD! She is a tidiness & cleanliness freak & her own house is like a show home. Alas, mine isn't, it's loved & loved in, but always, within 5 minutes of arriving, she'll have a cloth in her hand & be wiping the kitchen tops down or mopping the floor. It makes me feel like a slut but I've managed to get over it & just let her get in with it. I don't feel she means anything by It, just wants to be helpful & needs to be doing something. I'm sure this is what your mum thinks - I've realised as I get older that you can overthink things & get offended when there's no need to, so I'm learning to chill more & stop looking too deeply into people's motives.

Reading between the lines it is clear since you use the word'judgement' in two posts that the work needed doing and your mother made you feel guilty.

Don't be hijacked by emotions and resentments which linger from childhood. Your mother loves you and wants to help. Next time she comes give her a job you actually want done. You could give her the ironing and chat while she does it.

I would be delighted if any of my family got the broom out & started sweeping the paths!

My mum used to do the little jobs I had missed. One of her favourites was to clean out the kitchen sink plug hole and leave it gleaming and shiny. "Thanks mum, that looks great".

I don't see this unsolicited help as a reflection of your home making skills. Simply someone seeing a pile of leaves and thinking I'll grab the broom and tidy the patio. I do it all the time at my son's ...... But who knows perhaps my DIL finds it annoying! So instead I shall park myself in a chair and do nothing!

You say you know you're being 'very petty' ........ I agree. She's trying to make herself useful and lighten your load. Unless you prefer a scruffy garden .......

I agree trisher that we are emotionally tied into our mothers and our upbringing which inevitably colours our adult relationship. It's not then really surprising that we can feel uncomfortable as adults with seemingly trivial actions. Now MILs evoke a whole different minefield of emotions.......

When the children were small our bathroom was downstairs and I used to keep the dirty linen basket in the cupboard under the stairs because that made sense to me. MIL came round one day to wait for a delivery for us and when I got home she told me off for the state of my "clean" washing which she had kindly stood and ironed while she waited. I still don't know how anyone could have ironed a basket of mainly grubby children's clothes without realising!

My mum visited when my daughter was newborn, 'I'll do a bit of ironing' she said, 'Thanks, there's some next to the ironing board' i replied, and she proceeded to re-iron the pile I'd done (which hadn't yet been put away, obviously), while leaving the unironed pile alone!

When going to the kitchen to make a cup of tea, sometimes I'll start whimsically washing the cupboard door, and forget about the tea. I think your mum whimsically started sweeping the leaves.

You are baking what is she going to do? I think she is just making herself useful. Joining in, feeling part of the team.
Sweeping is much better than moving ornaments - that would be a no no.

Mums can't do right for doing wrong............next time she coes ask her to do a job you want done.

I think mums just absent mindedly get on with things, she wold bev ery wecome here.

Well it is your home, your garden and your Mum. If it was my home and my Mum (sadly long deceased) next time she visits I would leave the lawnmower and edging shears out on the path in case she was feeling energetic!

Well as it is your home it is up to you how you keep it. However I think you are over-reacting your Mother was probably bored and needed something to do that is all. I never got any help with anything so I would have welcomed my Mother dropping in to help out. We lived in Belgium and she was in UK so no chance of that!

Restless people really do need a task or something to tidy up, they mean no harm.

I so miss hearing my Mum saying - have you brushed you hair this morning, have you lost weight again, you need to start wearing vests, all said with love, I miss her so much,

You are so lucky to still have your Mum around. I would give anything to have mine with me once more and wouldn't mind what she did. She was probably trying to save you a job and didn't like the idea of just sitting around while you were busy.

I wish my mother had been like this! I always felt envious of friends whose mothers would start pottering around tidying when they visited

You have my total sympathy and understanding.You are not bring unreasonable as it is the manner in which these things are done that counts.
I had a difficult relationship with my mother but tried to keep things easy. It was very difficult at times.
She would arrive unannounced to stay for several days and before her coat was off would walk round feeling the compost in my houseplants always declaring " these plants are as dry as sticks" and proceed to carry them into the kitchen to be watered. That is the absolute truth.
She would critisise and find fault with as much as she could.
It was a huge relief when she could no longer use public transport and had to be fetched to visit.
I can see you reaching for your keyboard to ask why I put up with this but until you have lived with it, it is hard to understand. I was an only child and my father died when I was eleven. I was told on a daily basis how much my mother had done for me, what sacrifices she had made.
I was all she had and she would have walked out and did once, when I told her a few home truths and I had to to the apologizing and making things right again as my conscience would not let me do anything else. Things are never black and white in relationships.

My late DM used to clean my cooker when she came to visit. I took to cleaning it myself the evening before she arrived but she did it anyway. I have never felt the urge to clean either of my sons' houses (not that there's any need to do so!). One exception is the dishwasher filters as DS2 and partner don't seem to know where they are! I clean those when they have gone off to work so they will never know!

icbn2802 I suppose it's all a question of tolerance and what you think is more important. I think we are emotionally tied into our mothers no matter how old we are and our responses to what they do and say link into what happened when we were children. But you also have to balance that with thinking about how important things really are and if just putting up is better than speaking out. Your mum is obviously irritating in many ways and does things you dislike, but even if you speak out will she change or just take a huff and continue to do the same things just more surreptitiously?
Finally (and I hope this is far into the future) one day your mum may well not be able to come round and 'help'. When that happens you may look back fondly on memories of her sweeping the garden. My mum is 95 and in sheltered housing I remember the days when she came to stay and did my ironing, they were great times.

I suppose mums always been like it. She's a very restless person.
Just wish she would ask me if I needed any help or jobs doing rather than take it upon herself to just make a start.
The most memorable incident, having mum show up on the doorstep with her lawnmower stating 'I've come to cut your grass!' after walking half a mile with it clanking down the road. I'd not even mentioned the grass needing a trim....
Just needs a gentle reminder that this is actually my home & garden.....and I'm more than capable of managing it, in my own way.

I have a daughter who is fanatically clean but serially untidy. Nothing ever seems to get put away. I always say to her, "is there anything I can do for you", and the answer is always the same; "no". They don't have a lot of time. We are over there two days a week and have time to occasionally help with ironing, gardening, cleaning windows, but she will not have it so there is nothing I can do. I wouldn't dream of taking matters into my own hands or criticising. She would never speak to me again. Not worth that.

I think you need to talk to yur mum, ic. If something upsets you that much you need to spit it out.

Would your mum just have been sitting around feeling neglected because you were busy? She might be reduced to wondering what's the point of her being there. Have you considered that aspect?

Sthe last time that DS2and DIL stayed here, she cleaned the inside of the lounge windows. The window cleaner had been the day before, and I was very greatful. When they went home, I was motivated to clean the rest of them ? . I certainly didn't see it as interfering, just pleased that she felt comfortable doing it.

I was always very pleased when my mum did jobs when visiting. I knew that she was doing it to help me. She came to stay for a few days after the birth of DS1, and told me then that she would try not to overstep the mark - apparently, when her own mum came to 'help' her in the same situation, she started by cleaning and rearranging a display cabinet!

I regularly do things at DS/DiL's house - washing-up, weeding, cleaning windows), but I checked in the early days that they didn't mind (was babysitting at time), and explained that i find it hard to sit still for long. I also told DiL that she shouldn't be afraid to let me know if i went too far. No complaints so far ☺

That said, apart from a bit of washing-up, I don't usually do anything when there as a visitor, as opposed to childminding. (Mind you, it's quite rare that i am a visitor!)

If anyone visits me and wants to brush, sweep, dust, tidy or whatever, they are made most welcome. Like you with your cakes we can reciprocate with eggs, bread or cakes. I think it's a good deal. I just wish someone once in a while would offer to turn the compost heap!!!!