AIBU to not feel any gratitude?

I do think the difference is the mother criticising and making her DD feel inadequate against the mother happy to help out with no judgement.

About five years ago I was visiting DD, DIL and GSs for about three weeks. DIL said to me that I probably thought she was messy. I said not at all, I think our homes are all similar (meaning the state of DDs and my homes). I never realised she may have felt uncomfortable that I thought she was messy (she isn't at all). I have always helped her when visiting, the same as my DDs. Since then she thinks nothing of leaving me to do the washing, cooking etc when she is off to work and I will be at her house all day, the same as my DDs do. DD1 has come home from work when I am staying and been relieved to see her washing baskets empty, she finds it hard to get the washing folded and put away.

I think families are closer when everyone pitches in, my children, DIL and SILs do lots of things for me. I am very grateful for the help.

You won't have your mum for long so I'd just say thanks mum! She's just being that.

Tgatcwhat i was goibg ti say granbypiper My mumd dead l9 years .And my only sister followed hee 5 years ago age jyst 55 bowel cancer .All the femakes in my burth famuly gone .Id give my arm to have them back

Poor Mum, I feel for her.

Could be Penstemmon. But then why not just offer to help and see what op says?

But op, I also like the idea someone gave of asking mum to do a few jobs. If she really just wants to help or needs to feel "needed," this will be great for her and not feel like a criticism to you. Also, it would be a good litmus test, imo. If she truly wants to help, etc., she'll tackle these jobs eagerly. If it's about taking over, she may balk, make excuses, find a reason to cut her visit short, etc.

I think all that about my DDs home but I was in a similar position when I was a ft working parent with 2 messy daughters!
Not always criticism .. just testing to see if she wants some help??

It's true op's mum didn't say, "You lazy woman, etc!" But perhaps some of you missed the post where op said, "Mum will always comment on the amount of laundry I've got, my daughters messy bedroom, how quickly the grass is growing etc etc...?" That sounds to me like she IS being critical and NOT just trying to help.

But Op, I guess you'll have to decide - you can either accept mum's efforts as helpful (it's work you don't have to do) or let her know they & her comments need to stop.

I don't recall if this has been mentioned, but if nothing else, you might ask her not to come over unexpectedly/to wait for an invitation. That will cut back on the number of times you have to deal with this issue. Either you'll miss her help (and so increase the invites) or you'll feel "liberated" and enjoy her visits more when you do have her over.

She was only giving you a hand, that's all. She knew you were busy and just saw a little job that needed doing. No ulterior motives at all. I would have said Thanks Mum that looks a lot better, you have saved me doing it.
That's what I would say if I had a mum, so treasure her while you can.

I agree with Pentstemmon. Your Mum did not criticise, just got on with what she considered to be a help to you. Don't take it personal, maybe you will feel the need to help out at your daughters or Mum's at some time.

When she was alive, my Mum used to house sit for us, when we went on holidays. When we came home she had done so many jobs for us, which was an amazing help, as we held down full time jobs, I appreciated every last job she had done for us, as it was usually straight back to work for both of us.

Yes I do think yabu! She did not say 'You lazy woman look at the state of the garden!' She quietly got on with something she could do whilst you were doing something else for her! Maybe she felt guilty she had asked you to do something!

I am at my DD2 house 2 x weekly taking DGDs to school, I often potter about and tidy bits and bobs for her whilst the girls are getting dressed: fold washing, fill/empty dishwasher etc. She never says she minds!!
She is a f/t working parent with a partner who works long hours! Why wouldn't I help a tiny bit?

My mum used to do that for me and cleaned under my kitchen sink cupboard. Loved it ?

I'd have lived to have seen your mum walking the lawn mower down to you
Obviously I don't know your mum but maybe she just missed when you were all young and she was needed
Maybe she feels useless if she doesn't do anything .
Couldn't you set her some tasks - I don't know - something You know needs doing but that you never do it can't be bothered to do

and mine * and mine*

Crikey MaggieMay would you like to come round to my house?

I was the opposite, I would go round my Mums and MIL's when I was younger and start cleaning. I'm not OCD, but I love the therapeutic feelings I get from cleaning lol.
My mum would moan at me and bluntly say" What the bloody hell you doing, you saying I'm not clean enough!" and then would sigh and leave me to it, my MIL was a lovely sweet little thing who would just smile and tell me I was a sweet Daft Ha'porth! :-)

It was never ever meant to show them they were dirty, it was me trying to be lovely, and because I just love to clean lol.

After a family wedding,fairly late at night, and intending to return to the reception, I took my 90 year old mother home - she was a wee bit tiddly having enjoyed the day tremendously.

Once we got to her flat, I said, 'Right, Mum, you get ready for bed, and once you are tucked up, I will go back tot he reception'

She drew herself up to her full 4'10" in height, and looked indignantly at me from under the large green hat she was wearing, and said:-

" Hey, Mary, whose the Mother and whose the Daughter round here?"

I think that says it all - no matter how old we get, as long as we still have a Mum, they are the Mum and they do Mum things..... like sweeping the garden !!!

icbn2802. I don't know if you will read this far down your post, but I don't believe your Mother is sitting in judgement on the state of your home. She probably knows you have a busy life and is just trying to make life a bit easier for you. It's what Mothers do for their child and make no mistake no matter how old you get that is what you are , as you must be aware having children of your own. She's trying to show she cares. I wish I could see my Mother pottering about my home again.

It might sound horrible, but I was quite relieved when Mum's sight started going-it meant she wasn't looking for dust every time she visited!

I guess I'm different than most people here. I miss my mum every day - but NOT her finding things wrong, etc. I would love to have her here to share a cuppa and a laugh - or even a cry - as we sometimes did. But would STILL NOT be okay with her trying to do my housekeeping, etc. without being asked.

Fortunately, I put my foot down about it at one point and she stopped. Not al mums back off that easily, I know.

ps DH and I used to both have a frenzy of cleaning, gardening etc when my DP were coming to stay but mum always found something I had missed and offered, very kindly, to clean it

Just give her a cuppa, a slice of freshly baked cake and say 'thank you so much, Mum, I've been busy and haven't got round to sweeping the path yet'.

I think you ABU - just a tad

Any left btw?
I will come and sweep your path for a slice of home-made cake

For pitys SAKE..get a grip !.
Wish my mum was still around to pop in to see me and annoy me. !
Tell her she's missed a bit if she picks up crumbs..! Tell her the windows want cleaning..laugh with her !
You sound like you have a good relationship with both mum and daughters. ENJOY THEM .Life has a way of kicking you when you least expect it..

I recently babysat for DGDs, aged 5 and 3, whilst DD and SiL went to parents' eve. DGDs were playing and chatting happily in kitchen so I tackled the stack of washing up. When I had washed, dried and put it away, youngest DGD said 'Mummy usually does the washing and ironing as well'

My mother trained as a nurse in the 1950s and we were clean but usually untidy at home! She died in 2010 and I so wish she was still here to lend a hand... My MIL is a darling but in her 80s and cleaning never was her thing! Look fondly if you can...

I sometimes feel that I am on auto pilot domestically and will ofte pick up empty mugs where they have been left in my daughter's house. Probably for something like the garden I might ask her if I can help there.