bargaining with kids

PS. I fervently agree with swanny.

DGD age three tells her Mummy that Nana never tells her off. Totally inaccurate, but it has led to a few sideways looks from DD!

Exactly Swanny

I usually give DGS a choice of two, if it's a meal or an outing, and normally the choices are both things he enjoys, so he really has to make a decision. If something goes wrong I point out that it was his choice, but I'm always ready to offer an alternative.

What I can't (and won't) tolerate is whining and demanding. He's recently started the I want, I want mantra so I call him a whingeing willy. He thinks this hilarious, which (usually) diffuses the situation and we are able to negotiate a settlement! I do not agree with 'do what you're told because I said so' and much prefer 'let's do this and then we can do that'.

Each child is different and each scenario will also be different. I want him to be comfortable in challenging things he disagrees with as long as he can explain why he challenges.

I think over disciplined/controlling parenting is as unhelpful as poor control! As others have said kids do need to learn to make choices, to negotiate etc. They also need secure boundaries.

My DGCs are all pickles in their own different ways with likes/dislikes, how they try to manoeuvre their own way etc. But they are (usually) aware when the boundary has been reached!

I know one DGD does not like mashed potato. She is 8 she knows what she likes and does not so I will offer a choice to all 4 DGC e.g.: sausage and mash or hot dog! Not a great problem and 4 happy kids!

My DM didn't actually have to say no, just a look was enough. My aunt often used to threaten her children with aunty M and her withering look.

I find it hard to say no to my grand children but they do know when they have gone too far, i only have to give them the look and unacceptable behaviour stops.

I do give choices where food is concerned as like many on here i wouldnt eat something i didnt like. In fact had this senario on Weds with one grand daughter, she had never tried boiled egg and soldiers, and agreed to try but she couldn't stomach the yolk of the egg only the white and didnt want the bread with butter on it, so it went in the bin and she had cheese on toast instead and ate every piece.

Sometimes when I say no I haven't thought it through properly, so my lot all know if they can come up with a good reason they may persuade me to change my mind. A good reason not a winge or tantrum. Plus they know adults can be negotiated with if they use some common sense

I am a nursery Nurse and was always taught to give children a choice over things that don't really matter. ie Do you want to wear the green shirt or the red one ? Or shall we go to the park before or after we go shopping ?
In that way they feel they have some control over what is going on in their lives.
Also not to make a question over things that you need to do no matter what. So it would be Right we re off to the Drs now, rather than Shall we go to the Drs now?
Another good tip, is pick your fights. Somethings just really arnt worth arguing about.
Having said all that I don't see anything wrong with a little bribe occasionally. Sit nicely on the bus and you can have a biscuit from the bakers type thing. X

I agree with bibbity. Sensible choices when appropriate give children the chance to practice decision making and knowing that decisions have consequences.

If I am asked if a GC can have something or do something, and I say 'No' I will have my reasons and it is strictly non-negotiable. If the request is reasonable, then I will ask why I should grant it, and let them persuade me, but once deciding 'no', that is it. They know where they are, there is none of the whining and pleading, because they know it won't change the outcome. I believe children are actually a lot happier knowing what the boundaries are, they push, wheedle and whine because they don't know, and will push to see how far they can stretch them, it doesn't make them any happier. In the same way if I have to say 'do that again and I will take it away' there is no second chance, I don't give in to the pleading 'but I won't this time....' I was brought up never to break a threat or a promise, and I will do my utmost not to break either.

I'm not a NO person but I am quite strict with things I think are important ,like good manners and behaving well in public, as for food I always give them a choice as my mother did and her mother before her.My mum used to say why would she expect a child to eat things they didn't like when there was no way she would do it and I'm the same.I never eat fowl ...never have and it was always factored into meal choices so I didn't have to.So I cant expect them to eat things that as we say here make them boak

in the midst of tantrum season

I look after 2yr old and 3yr old
So its 'No' followed from me
Followed quite often by
'but why?' From DGS,
A short explanation from moi.

If there looks like a melt down
Then Distraction is needed
If out something from my pocket
Eg a balloon.
Or the promise of game they like to play when we get home

At home then its usually 'would you like to help gran load washing machine?'. ( favourite job)
Or even a banana or some raisins
I'm sure someone will say naughty gran

Agree with Riverwalk
I'm not a dictator
I'm their Grandmother

No is no (hopefully always reasonable) and that's that. Can't be too bad as all DGC kelp asking to come again!!

I don't think I ever managed to say no. My kids were too clever from a very early age for me. When they wanted something, I was immediately in their shoes and wanted it too. Not a good start in life, probably, but they're managing.

Everybody has to learn to negotiate so what is wrong with starting young? My children grew up knowing that if I said, "No and there's no point in keeping on about it," I meant there was no negotiation at all. If I was happy to do a deal, they would barter until I said, "And that's my final offer!"

I think it's reasonable to ask an older grandchild to choose what they want for lunch out of options you have available. I also think that it is fine to let them choose between activities which are cost free or very cheap. I prefer to spend lots of time with my grandchildren rather than lots of cash. I often say no when we are out, though I will splurge on an ice cream or a magazine quite often. I don't seem to need to do more than say no firmly. They're used to me now

My DS and Ddil do 'negotiate' after a fashion and it does keep the peace entirely. A ridiculous request from the children (7 and 5) is usually followed by 'Well how about if we do blah blah blah - is that a deal?..' 'that' being exactly what the parents wanted to do, but because it is presented as a compromise they accept at once. My Ddil can say no very firmly, and she does mean it, but her little tactic works very well with small matters that are neither here nor there.

Where food is concerned I have read them all Green Eggs & Ham many times & every time they say 'I don't like that!!' I just say Green Eggs & Ham!- try it & if you don't like it - fine, but you have to try it first! About 50/50 success rate but that's fine- I won't eat coconut under any circumstances.

I do give them choices but only if I am happy to cook/go to/do both options- I think it is good for them to have to choose between things.

Grandma's rules in Grandma's house always applies & I appreciate that my rules are far stricter than those at home (WHY are they not taught to pick up wet towels, flush the loo, put dirty clothes in washing basket NOT on floor, clear plates from table- their father's never got away with any of this! I suspect they are trying it on!)

Sometimes I feel like a right old nag-bag but as all 6 of them are desperate to come & stay every time I must be doing something right!( Might be the marshmallows in the hot chocolate!)

When I said "no" I always explained why..
"Because I'm the mum and you're the child".

Lol, grannylyn!

But it just goes to show that your little gs already knows his own mind and tastes. His parents may need to pay more attention to that.

Morgana, I think that mother was just trying to ease her kid's disappointment at her no. Maybe she was also trying to calm him down, so he wouldn't keep fussing in public. Often people criticize mums who do this, but just as often they criticize the mum who just says no while her kid goes into a full-blown tantrum.

At my dgs the other week he quietly got up
from the table,picked up his plate, went into kitchen and threw the lot in the bin ! My ds went into nuclear meltdown, it was not pretty, not helped by me trying not to laugh ! He was 3 !!!

Whilst it's an interesting thread to share experiences, in all fairness, with an overheard comment, we never know the context.

I don't 'bargain' or 'bribe' as a normal experience BUT I may offer an incentive if I want to change a plan to suit me: I want to get home very soon (whatever reason) so don't have time for the planned 'treat out' - but tell you what - we'll get a treat to take home instead. And then I would tell parents how helpful the child had been.

I am also careful around children under stress of some kind, when a change in usual routine or plans may be difficult. My parents came to look after my kids when I was in hospital and my 4 year old became inconsolable over the shape of the carrots that grampy had prepared that looked different to our usual ones. Grampy sensibly didn't insist on them being eaten and asked for 'help' the next day in getting them just right!
It would be quite different on a normal day.

The children in my class knew i did not draw a line in the sand but that i drew a line in cement, no was no. I would explain if i felt the need to but i would never negotiate. Some parent's need to learn who is the adult in the family.

There are times when an explanation may or should happen but in this instance its a pure no. I wouldn't bargain over the fact that my charge can't go to some coffee shop of his/her preference. Madness.