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bargaining with kids

(42 Posts)
Morgana Wed 31-May-17 13:49:52

Walked up high street behind parents and two small boys. One boy was fussing wanted to go to Costa. Mum turned into a holiday camp entertainer and bargained with him offering him a gingerbread man from the bakers and two stickers! I think I just told my own kids NO and that was that!. Surely this is not preparing kids for school/life?

M0nica Wed 31-May-17 14:34:06

DGD drew a beautiful picture of me some years ago. There is a bubble coming out of my mouth with one word in it 'No'. It has pride of place on my kitchen wall.

I think it was the result of the young viking in the family spending an afternoon wanting to sit on my lap so he could cut off my head with his axe. My answer was always quite unequivocal and to the point.

grannylyn65 Wed 31-May-17 15:03:14


NanaandGrampy Wed 31-May-17 18:57:11

We call it 'negotiating with terrorists' smile and we don't do it. But I've heard both our daughters do. It's almost like they are afraid to say a straight out no.

In my experience the grandkids take it rather well, mostly because I don't waver and they're not daft. They'll try it on but they know there's no negotiation at Nana's lol.

stillaliveandkicking Wed 31-May-17 19:04:57

It's a no from me too. I don't bargain when in charge grin

hildajenniJ Wed 31-May-17 19:10:09

I never bargained. No meant no in my house, and still does.

Christinefrance Wed 31-May-17 19:10:23

And from me too, my children used to wheedle and plead with my ex when he said no . When I said it that was final. My daughter has been known to say to the children " do as you are told or I will tell Nanny " smile

PamelaJ1 Wed 31-May-17 19:11:43

No from me too but mine is 6 so I usually tell him why. He seems to accept my superior judgement at the moment!

Everthankful Wed 31-May-17 19:57:24

Same goes for giving them too many choices - "Would you like this or that?" Or "shall we do this or that?" Sometimes they just need someone to make the decisions for them and it does not prepare them for life by letting them think the whole world revolves around them and will do as they want. I just tell them what is going to happen and what is for dinner, etc and it's accepted. We also have a great time because as they know, almost anything goes at Nana's and if I say it's chocolate milk at breakfast, I mean it!

Riverwalk Wed 31-May-17 19:58:28

What a bunch of dictators!

stillaliveandkicking Wed 31-May-17 20:04:58

Totally get what you say Everthankful apart from the "what's for dinner" bit. I don't believe in making kids eat what they don't want to. I may put it on their plate but I would never make them eat it. I say this because I remember being at school and a kid was sick because he was forced to eat something he didn't like/didn't agree with him, the dinner ladies went and got him another plate full.

I have never ever made a kid eat what they don't want to, and yes I have found something else they would.

What don't you like? would you eat it. My tastebuds are personal to me.

Jalima1108 Wed 31-May-17 20:12:15

I always told them to try something that was on their plate and if they didn't like it, then fair enough they could leave it but they wouldn't know until they tried. Sometimes they were/are surprised!

However, one thing I used to say to DD was 'just what part of NO don't you understand?' as she could be quite persistent grin

stillaliveandkicking Wed 31-May-17 20:19:20

How funny Jalima the last sentence was what I said too smile

Jalima1108 Wed 31-May-17 20:22:43

I didn't realise that it is a song; we saw it once in a frame and I nearly bought it for her.

Bibbity Wed 31-May-17 20:57:04

I try not to say no to much. I sympathise with having no control over any aspect of your life. And that can be tough when you're trying to learn to be independent.
So I do offer choices when I can.
Do you want the blue cup or the aeroplane cup?
Do you want to do x or y first?
Should we have bolognase tonight or tomorrow?
None of these effect me. But they let my son feel as though in a life full of being dictated to he is listened to. And I belive that's important.

Lisalou Wed 31-May-17 21:05:32

I believe in "no" too, but will explain why it is "no", if it is reasonable to do so. I do think that bargaining with kids is out, as they will push forever if they think it will work. My kids always knew that no is no, and they survived just fine

stillaliveandkicking Wed 31-May-17 21:24:08

I tend to know that when a kid pushes something he knows too, they're masters of manipulation so I don't explain either. I just say no.

stillaliveandkicking Wed 31-May-17 21:29:50

There are times when an explanation may or should happen but in this instance its a pure no. I wouldn't bargain over the fact that my charge can't go to some coffee shop of his/her preference. Madness.

grannypiper Thu 01-Jun-17 08:54:15

The children in my class knew i did not draw a line in the sand but that i drew a line in cement, no was no. I would explain if i felt the need to but i would never negotiate. Some parent's need to learn who is the adult in the family.

Nannarose Thu 01-Jun-17 08:56:00

Whilst it's an interesting thread to share experiences, in all fairness, with an overheard comment, we never know the context.

I don't 'bargain' or 'bribe' as a normal experience BUT I may offer an incentive if I want to change a plan to suit me: I want to get home very soon (whatever reason) so don't have time for the planned 'treat out' - but tell you what - we'll get a treat to take home instead. And then I would tell parents how helpful the child had been.

I am also careful around children under stress of some kind, when a change in usual routine or plans may be difficult. My parents came to look after my kids when I was in hospital and my 4 year old became inconsolable over the shape of the carrots that grampy had prepared that looked different to our usual ones. Grampy sensibly didn't insist on them being eaten and asked for 'help' the next day in getting them just right!
It would be quite different on a normal day.

grannylyn65 Thu 01-Jun-17 09:00:05

At my dgs the other week he quietly got up
from the table,picked up his plate, went into kitchen and threw the lot in the bin ! My ds went into nuclear meltdown, it was not pretty, not helped by me trying not to laugh ! He was 3 !!!

Starlady Thu 01-Jun-17 10:50:25

Lol, grannylyn!

But it just goes to show that your little gs already knows his own mind and tastes. His parents may need to pay more attention to that.

Morgana, I think that mother was just trying to ease her kid's disappointment at her no. Maybe she was also trying to calm him down, so he wouldn't keep fussing in public. Often people criticize mums who do this, but just as often they criticize the mum who just says no while her kid goes into a full-blown tantrum.

MissAdventure Thu 01-Jun-17 11:17:43

When I said "no" I always explained why..
"Because I'm the mum and you're the child".

Craftycat Thu 01-Jun-17 11:18:41

Where food is concerned I have read them all Green Eggs & Ham many times & every time they say 'I don't like that!!' I just say Green Eggs & Ham!- try it & if you don't like it - fine, but you have to try it first! About 50/50 success rate but that's fine- I won't eat coconut under any circumstances.

I do give them choices but only if I am happy to cook/go to/do both options- I think it is good for them to have to choose between things.

Grandma's rules in Grandma's house always applies & I appreciate that my rules are far stricter than those at home (WHY are they not taught to pick up wet towels, flush the loo, put dirty clothes in washing basket NOT on floor, clear plates from table- their father's never got away with any of this! I suspect they are trying it on!)

Sometimes I feel like a right old nag-bag but as all 6 of them are desperate to come & stay every time I must be doing something right!( Might be the marshmallows in the hot chocolate!)

Rosina Thu 01-Jun-17 11:37:16

My DS and Ddil do 'negotiate' after a fashion and it does keep the peace entirely. A ridiculous request from the children (7 and 5) is usually followed by 'Well how about if we do blah blah blah - is that a deal?..' 'that' being exactly what the parents wanted to do, but because it is presented as a compromise they accept at once. My Ddil can say no very firmly, and she does mean it, but her little tactic works very well with small matters that are neither here nor there.