Wwyd

I don't tend to be with my dd when collecting dgd, the running off has occurred mainly whilst out and about as a family.
Dgd has been asked over the last 6 about living with her mum and she says she wants to.
She hasn't had a diagnosis. The school haven't flagged up behaviour problems that warrant a diagnosis either
She has a good relationship with her teacher and the school have been helpful.
I've been saying for months that dgds behaviour has deteriorated, violent outbursts etc. The social worker has arranged a cahms appt (we've waited months for this) but it is for myself and dd not for dgd!
I've spoken with my kinship social worker this morning. Her attitude is that I should just pick dgd up from school and give her what ever she wants to stop the flash points! I'm so angry I could cry!
I've reiterated I am not going to collect dgd from school. A plan is in place for the next two weeks apart from today as apparently I've left it too late to ask! They've known for weeks about this!

Does Mum take her out at other times on her own? If yes how is her behavior? If OK could mum pick her up on her own when she is available rather than go with you? Reins on a 6 year old, not only humiliating, but she would drag you over. But if her mother is there she could be responsible as she will have to be soon.

What would happen if you could not pick her up?

Is she ok when it is just you? In which case you will have to ask mum not to come.

Lots of questions sorry but food for thought.

Also it is going to be hard on you when your GD leaves after looking after her for 4 years. Hope you will see one another often big change for both of you,

You don't say what her learning disability is (apologies if I missed it) but what you describe does sound like those of someone with add/adhd or similar. My 6yr old GS can run off like that, especially when tired after school, & even as a fit person, I cannot catch him. His Dad has adult ADHD so it may be a sign of that, along with a few other signs. I don't think people who look after a neuro-typical child realise how those who are not cannot just control their behaviour by usual means. Rory Bremner's TV programme about his adhd really brought this home. Other factors such as home situation can make it worse & easily make the underlying issue of a 'differently-wired' brain be missed or ignored, especially given common attitudes to these conditions. Always easier to blame the parents or home situation.

Hi. I haven't read all of the above responses in detail so someone else may have made the same suggestion. Have you spoken with the headteacher/ Safeguarding Coordinator/ SENCO/ pastoral care/ behaviour support at the school and asked if they can help? Maybe another parent or member of the PTA living near you would be able to accompany your granddaughter home from school. Not sure if it's still active in schools but also ask about making her the subject of a CAF (Common Assessment Framework) which will ensure that support is put in place. What is her behaviour like when in school? The school may be able to provide counselling or some form of pastoral care or even access to some one-to-one time with a member of staff to whom she relates well who will be able to chat through the issues with her. You could ask for a referral to an Educational Psychologist, too.

Gadaboutgran there is no diagnosis.
I think it may be ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) but it could just be complete confusion about what's happening.
We have meetings with social services & the school. Up until the end of last year everyone thought dgd was staying with me under a section 11. We complained about the social worker involved, The case was handed over to a different worker and dd then decided to disagree with the section 11. Based on the high level of contact and the fact the case had been allowed to 'drift' (in their words) dd was given an opportunity to apply for custody. Dgd always said she wanted to live with her mum.
Her father is not allowed contact, she doesn't know him but is aware of what he looks like & his name.
She has asked to have some sleepovers with me which of course I will do.
It will be a huge adjustment for everyone ?

In answer to your question mum does take dgd out on her own and she has behaved badly for her.
She has behaved badly when it's just the two of us aswell.
It's definitely worse when we're all together, even in the house so we're limiting that at the moment. That isn't great for my relationship with dd which can be fragile at the best of times ?

A very difficult time for,everyone, I hope this will become a shared care with your DD giving you some respite but allowing you dgd the best of both worlds,

I agree with all the sensible suggestions people have already made. And please, do not humiliate the child and yourself by putting her in reins, even if you can find any big enough for a six-year-old.

In your place I would have a word with her class teacher, and preferably also the headmistress/master of her school. Ask if there is an older girl, 14-16 year old who could accompany you home with GD.

Please tell your GD that you love her very much and that you cannot bear the thought of her being killed or injured if she runs into the street. Point out that this could only too well happen. I'm sure you can make her see that only comic heroes like Spiderman (or whoever her favourite is) can survive being hit by cars.

I am interested so many answers feel that REINS are ridiculous.
Years ago I had to take my sons by train from Devon to Sussex. I think the boys were 4 and 6.
My younger son was very lazy and hated to walk, but I had no car, so he was in a push chair, and there was luggage too.
I can remember explaining the danger to my older son on the platform, and threatening him that if he did not keep hold of me or the chair, I would put reins on him, and he knew I was not joking!!
I can add he was very well behaved, and did not force me to carry out my threat.
Bearing in mind that the police say the average child should not be relied on to be traffic aware at under 8 years old, if we don't trust a dog not to stray into the path of traffic, why would we trust a 6 year old child?

I am a retired social worker/manager mostly involved with foster/adoption/kinship/SGO. These social workers are just pushing the problem on to you - one says reins (!) and as for the one who says to give dgd anything she wants to avoid a flash point - words fail me.

Look I might have this wrong but if you have brought up dgd for 4 years and she is soon going back to mom then as others have said she is going to be anxious and confused and no amount of explaining is going to do any good, because children are concrete thinkers not abstract thinkers. It seems to me that you have had enough and whilst you love your dgd it is starting to distress you. When is dgd going back to mother - why the delay? To bee honest I would tell those dopey social workers that you cannot cope any longer and dgd must go back to mom or a foster home. The CAMHS won't be much good I can tell you though it does depend who you get but while ever dgd is anxious about the future it will not be any good.

It isn't the job of an older girl in school to accompany dgd home - it's the job of the social workers to find a safe way to transport her AND sort out the problem of the child's anxiety, which is at the root of her behaviour. You'll have to put your foot down as they will try and wriggle out of their responsibility. Is dgd on a Care Order?

What a difficult dilemma for you ....you are doing so well to have coped with it so far. From what you say, SS are being obstructive ...bearing in mind the consequences that could arise should you GD run into the road or be snatched God forbid ! but then probably SS would try to deny any wrong doing on their part as usual ! Have you asked your GD's GP for a referral to a paediatric psychiatrist ? It might be worth considering ..I would probably imagine you, dd and gd have been put forward for Child & Family therapy (If that still exists !) or some other form of counselling.

You could also explain to the school who seem to have been quite helpful so far that if you are unable to accompany your gd to school and SS cannot fund transport you may have to keep her at home ,,,not through choice, but necessity and that you are concerned this may affect her behaviour further, or that they may involve the Courts for non attendance at school (in the long term this may be a good thing as your problems would come out into the open and the Court would probably demand that SS provide a taxi .....a worst case scenario of course is that neither you nor your dd could cope and the gd may be taken into care ,,but I think this is a very unlikely situation so do not let this thought prevent you from pursuing the resolution to your problem, I worked in a Special School for children with Category 3 learning difficulties and we had a couple of 'runners' ....one would climb onto the desk and leap out of the window and run into town. Fortunately someone would usually catch them and return them back as they knew where they must have come from ! Hopefully this is a psychological short term problem for your gd and can be resolved by careful handling ,,,,,good luck

Have you considered asking elder social services to assess you? I'm disabled and know that if ss had put forward the ridiculous idea of putting a 6 year old in reins, this would have been the first thing I would have asked for - after all not only is it silly (and adding further stress into a little girl who really doesn't want to be in babies reins in front of her friends), but she could easily pull you over!
Have they not done a risk assessment?
It's their duty of care to keep not only her safe, but also you. Please try to stay strong and as one of the others suggested, while all this is being sorted I would go with positive reinforcement - so tell her IF she behaves all week then she does get a treat on a Friday. It gives her something to aim for.
Good luck and push for transport for her to and from school.

It sounds as if you are doing a brilliant job in difficult circumstances meandashy . I would think your granddaughter would be eligible for the pupil premium (as a disadvantaged pupil) which means her school would receive £1300 to £1900 a year extra to be spent on her needs. So her school should consider a request to pay for short term taxi arrangements. I would speak to the headteacher about it. (Social services should be funding it really.)
Good luck.

The school will already be receiving the "pupil premium" for her. You don't have to put in a claim for it.

Reins are a good idea for an 18 month old toddler but definitely not for a 6 year old - how embarrassing for her in front of her school friends and would upset her even more when she is already anxious and confused.

I hope they will sort a taxi for you for the rest of this term; the social worker doesn't sound to be much use so is it possible to speak to her superior or get the head teacher onside as well?

The poor man that caught her got kicked and punched for his trouble!
that's not altogether a bad thing - another person may not have such good intentions.

I am not elderly mididl (45) so don't think that's an option.
Mostlyharmless I know nothing about pupil premium! Do you know if that's specific to a certain part of the country?
Dgd is here under a compulsory supervision order with condition of resistancy. That will change in 2 weeks but the move home will be gradual (or that was the plan but tbh there has been no further conversation about this!)
Accessing any help or support for any of us seems to be a minefield covered in red tape! When I'd asked gp to refer to cahms on the advice of social services last year he hummed and harred, said he would then didn't! ?

meandashy, even if your dgd wants to live with her mother, it is going to be a big change in her life. I wonder if there is some plan in place to ease her into this? Has it been discussed with her? Maybe one day/week with her mother at first then gradually increase? Has anybody talked to her about what happens if she is not happy living with her mother?
The wide eyes and strange expression when she runs away sound like panic attacks.
You said that the dgd behavior is at its worst when the three of you are together. It is quite possible she is testing the two of you as in Who loves her? Who cares?
Whatever you do, do not reward bad behaviour with treats (if you stop you get candy type of thing). Have you tried the 1-2-3 method? It needs to be discussed with her first so she knows what's happening, but basically when she behaves badly she is told "1". That means I have noticed your behaviour and it's not ok. It gives the child a chance to stop without threats or punishment. If bad behaviour continues she is told "2". That means "Stop or else". If she continues you reach "3". That should mean go to your rooom (or another predetermined isolation place) and stay there for 6 minutes (one minute per year of age). It can be difficult to implement and you might need some stronger consequences if she refuses (confiscating items which she doesn't get back until she has earned them), room turned upside down (you might help put it back together but she has to help, broken items do not get replaced).

I have been a kinship carer for my GD under a SGO since the age of 4..she is now 18.
In the early years she was able to contain herself whilst in school, home was different and some of the behaviours where similar to your little one...unfortunately mum( my daughter) had died and little one came from a background of DV. Anger and tempers where the order of the day as was smashing things and destructive behaviours.As she got older and she became able to articulate and put a name to the emotions she felt she coped better...she still has counselling on and off which helps enormously.I wonder if keeping a feelings book in which she can keep a record of how she feels even draw pictures to show, she may feel more in control of her thoughts and help her behaviour..

Your and your granddaughter's situation keeps buzzing around in my head. It strikes me that as she is six now and has lived with you since she was two that she probably doesn't remember living with her mother at all. Re-reading your description, I realize that she runs away when both you and her mother are with her, so perhaps the running away is a way of trying to find out how much her mother loves her?

You are NOT being difficult and if the social worker is making you feel so, then ask to speak to her superior and complain about this singularly inept woman. If your GD was sixteen instead of six even your social worker would be able to see that she is at risk of harming herself.

As a last resort, keep the child at home for the last two weeks of term, preferably with the head-teacher's consent to avoid difficulties with the social services.

All schools in England receive "pupil premium" for children on free school meals, or with learning difficulties or children with social services involvement. I don't know if you are in England meandashy, but if you are the school will receive probably the higher rate of £1900 a year for your granddaughter. If there is a need for taxis they should (should!) be able to fund it. It's the beginning of the financial year for schools so there should be plenty of money left in the pot. In fact I know some schools find it hard to use up all their pupil premium as they have to justify its use to be of benefit for those "disadvantaged" children. It's worth a try anyway if you are in England.

Are you in Scotland meandashy? I wondered because you say you break up at the end of June and England and Wales don't break up until the third week of July.

With the SS or any other 'authority' always ask for their response in writing, explaining to them you wish to have a written record confirming you have raised these concerns. Good luck

meandashy your GD needs a way of getting through this that means she is safe and that she is able to express her feelings and be listened to. Children who abscond from school, exhibit risky, run away behaviour and behave in ways which we under stand are dangerous do not need to be disciplined or put on reins. They need a way of expressing their feelings and a place where they can go to if they feel unable to cope. I taught a boy who had absconded from school and boarded buses at the age of 8, his 'place of safety' was a curtained area under a table in the classroom. My youngest DS had a period of absconding when he was 7, his place of safety was the school toilets. Is there somewhere on your walk home that you could show your GD and suggest that if she must run away and feels unable to cope she runs to that place and waits for you? I do think she needs expert help to get through this, and although a taxi may provide a short term solution she may well start to do other things once she is unable to run away. Well done for caring for her. You will all get through this but it will take time.

and the name of the person if you speak on the phone in the first instance
Log date, time and name!

I agree trisher she needs more expert help than she is receiving at present; the social worker is failing her and you meandashy.