Wedding

I'm pleased to say I don't even know what the term means!

I am not excusing the comment and I am certainly not racist. At no point did I say that comment was acceptable. It is not. However, I was hoping that perhaps the poster would read the comments and apologise. I do not know the poster and neither do you, so at least give them a chance to apologise if they did not realise what it meant.

Jane and Mary excusing the use of racist and offensive terms by calling them 'old fashioned' or saying that the poster meant no harm or didn't mean it just won't wash in the 21st century. It's actually irrelevant what the poster meant to be ( and unless you know them, how on earth can you make that judgement) . It's how others perceive the words used. How on earth could it work if judging whether certain language was racist/sexist/ disabilist or was intended to be was left up to the person using it - that is so clearly a nonsense. I hope GN delete the post but even if they don't it doesn't mean it's ok to use such a pejorative and offensive term. People should always be called out on such usage in the hope that they and others may learn something.

Sleepyamber, I am daily struck by the insensitivity and casual cruelty of some (not all) people when I read posts on Gransnet and I think your husband's sister has been, at best, massively thoughtless, especially as you had both been suportive when she needed help. However, she seems to have had a small wedding where others, too, were missed off the list. This being the case I should not take the slight too personally.

Have a think about whether you want to keep the relationship or ditch it and proceed accordingly. If you want to stay friends with your SIL you'll have to, in the awful phrase, 'suck it up' as it sounds as if she is one of those unempathetic people who will blame you when she realsies she is in the wrong.

I am just about to do the same with my partner. We don't want any fuss or expense to us or friends and family. Please don't take it personally.

I too suspect it wasn't meant to be racist. We used to have an assistant headteacher who was always coming out with phrases like that. She was oblivious to the fact that they were racist comments as they were phrases from her childhood. I bet the poster is mortified.

It's a very old fashioned term that has unsurprisingly dropped out of common use. I'm sure the poster meant no harm and should have found a more apposite word of phrase.

It's also a racist term so I'm reporting your post

Wow weeme what a charmer you are.

Meant to say googled it

Weeme56
I have never heard of the term Indian giver so I fooled it. I found it very offensive. What a nasty person you are.

Wow not getting an invitation to a marriage.... and you dump the relationship? They got married they did not have a wedding. No expenses for anyone and a legalistation of their relationship..their right not yours!

I hope you feel calmer about this now, Sleepyamber. You weren't excluded from the wedding, as you put it - your sister in law and new husband just had the quiet wedding they wanted, and you should be happy for them. Too many people are pressurised into having the wedding day they feel other people want, instead of doing what is best for them.

Our children have run the gamut, from a huge castle do, a private house ceremony followed by a big party in a barn, a stylish town hall wedding and meal for 16, and a registry office ceremony for just the happy couple and one friend each as witnesses. We were genuinely happy for each of them, we gave them the same wedding fund to spend on the day or their house or whatever they chose, and their weddings reflected their personalities and made them happy.

Don't whatever you do let your resentment spoil their happiness or your own. Life's far too short for that.

What's done is done. Take some time to get over the hurt you feel, but then let it go.

Everyone has their own lives to live, so don't feel disappointed or resentful that you helped her in the past. It's because of your help she is now in a good place - so feel pleased you have contributed to someone else's happiness. xx

I worked with someone who 2nd time round got married in their lunch hour, and came back to work in the afternoon. I think they told us later that week, or maybe at the end of the day.

She sent you a photo, so I don't think there was any malice intended by not inviting you. My husband and I did the same thing (2nd Marriage for both) didn't invite everybody, because we'd been round once already!! Don't fall out over it...Life's too short!

My only brother's son got married & there was no invitation for us. Only found out when I asked if my nephew was still with same girlfriend whom I've still never met! Extremely hurt as I'm close to my brother.
I have accepted it as I don't want to upset anyone other than me!!

You say her daughter and her daughter's partner went and were witnesses. So it seems they wanted a quiet wedding inviting the daughter as they wanted someone very close to them as witnesses.

Now if they invited you how many other people would they have to invite so others weren't offended. Then would they have to pay for a reception which maybe they didn't want to spent money on. Difficult to invite people to a wedding and say that's it we are going home. Was this the reason they wanted a quiet affair?

Then you say, "I don't think our relationship will be the same again.". Well that will be your making. How sad you are disapproving of someone you love because they didn't do something how you wanted it to be.

How about getting all the relatives and friends together and have a pot luck barbecue to celebrate the marriage to wish them happiness in the future. Marriage is hard enough without people who we thought were friends being unsupportive.

I did exactly the same. It often seemed as though the wedding meant more than the marriage to some of my friends. We had 2 witnesses and told everyone afterwards. People seemed pleased for us . A few months later I asked my family how they felt and the only one who was bothered was my 8 year old niece who felt that she'd missed out on being a bridesmaid.

It's probably because it's a second marriage and they just needed 2 people for witnesses. Emotions aren't rational, though, so I get your feeling hurt, anyway. But agree with pps that it's wise that you vented here and not at them. Send congrats and move on is my advice.

My brother recently did this and I completely understood his reasons. I was married for 28 years when my husband left. I've since met my current partner and we've been together for 16 years. I can't see any reason to marry but if for some reason we did it would be a very private affair with no guests whatsoever. To invite family would, to me, be like celebrating the break down of my children's original family. I'd be embarrassed to promise in front of a crowd to stay with someone 'until death us do part' when I obviously didn't manage it the first time around. It's great to celebrate a first wedding with family and friends but, in my opinion, not appropriate following divorce, especially if children were involved.

Understand how you feel . My Brother got married and we didn't know till after. My Hubbies Brother also did this to him but they have built bridges and rebuilt their relationship. I know I haven't done anything wrong and have tried to contact him to no avail as even a discussion to find out the reason would be good.

I got married recently. We informed immediate family, didn't prevent them from coming but made it clear it was unnecessary. A couple of local friends were witnesses, we went to Wetherspoon for mixed grills all round, then we both went to work. If anyone was upset by this, they were sensible enough to keep it to themselves.

My DD also did the same 4 years ago, I could perfectly understand her reasons for doing so, I knew in advance so it wasn't a shock, but I couldn't stop myself from being hurt. However this cloud had a silver lining, when their daughter was christened early this year, all their friends and family came and they had their marriage blessed at the same .
Wish your sister well, talk to a close friend about your feelings, to help you come to terms with it, and when you feel the time is right invite your sister and all her family over fora celebratory lunch

They obviously didn't want anyone there as her daughter was the only witness. It may be because her children's father had died. Lots of people do this, after all it's just a legality and there's no need for a big fuss.
My sister did the same, it was her third marriage and didn't want the fuss, though I guessed before the event and got a small wedding cake and tea for them , when they visited a few days later.
It's not about you, it's about what they want.