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(89 Posts)
Sleepyamber Sat 17-Jun-17 13:36:25

My husbands sister got married yesterday, she never told us it was happening just sent a photo of her at the registry office. I can begin to explain how upset, hurt and a bit angry we feel at being excluded from her day. We have supported her over the years when her Ist marriage broke up, when she had no where to live I Christmas, when her children were ill. When their dad died early this year we were so close. 24 hours on we are still devastated. I don't think our relationship will ever be the same again.
Any thoughts on this please to help me process my feelings.

RedheadedMommy Sat 17-Jun-17 13:39:37

Did anyone else go?

annsixty Sat 17-Jun-17 13:43:09

Just accept and let it go. Send congratulations. It was their day and they did what they wanted.
I would be just as cross but don't agonise over it.
A few years ago my adult D did a deree, I rang during one day and no- one was at home, I left a message and she rang in the evening to say it had been her degree ceremony. Not a word before. I was hurt but shrugged it off. We are very close and always have been. I couldn't let it spoil things between us.

Norah Sat 17-Jun-17 13:47:09

What's done is done (on HER day), send congratulations, end of.

Leonora47 Sat 17-Jun-17 14:11:03

We are all allowed to have the wedding of our choice. They probably didn't want a lot of fuss, especially for a second wedding.
Just send a message of congratulations, and allow them to celebrate in the way they have chosen; unless, that is, you want to start a flaming row with the newlyweds. It's not about what you've done for her in the past; it's about their future together.
You're feeling a bit hurt, but it was not your day; it was theirs.

wildswan16 Sat 17-Jun-17 14:28:11

I think if they both wanted a quiet wedding without any fuss then they have done absolutely the right thing. I would understand if other family members went and you were excluded. It was the choice of them both to do it together, try and just be happy for them and stop seeing it as a rejection - it wasn't, otherwise she would not have sent a photo.

Glenfinnan Sat 17-Jun-17 14:39:15

I agree with most of the sentiments expressed on this post. Of course you are upset, but just send congratulations and wait to hear more. If you react or stew on it you will only hurt yourself. So just smile! You sound like a lovely helpful lady!

HildaW Sat 17-Jun-17 14:40:22

My sister did exactly this for her second time around. She had done the full church thingy but had then coped with his desertion and divorce. She and new husband just popped to the registrars and did the deed. No one was was what she wanted so we just accepted it - in fact if memory serves me right there was not even an announcement....just an 'Oh by the way we got married last month'.

Rigby46 Sat 17-Jun-17 14:55:01

YANBU in the circumstances. I agree about sending congratulations and then leaving it but your feelings about it at the moment are perfectly valid. They will lessen as you know but it's fine to feel hurt for a while and share it in here to help process it. She's been lucky to have you in her life and personally I think that if she's willing to let you help and share through all the bad stuff, she could have let you share the good stuff as well. I think she could have said something to you when she sent the photo about wanting a quiet wedding but that she looked forward to you all having a nice meal/ celebratory drink together soon. You sound lovely

paddyann Sat 17-Jun-17 16:14:17

both my sisters daughters did this ,no family at all was at either wedding ,they got witnesses off the street .My daughter was getting married around the time her cousin did it and I offered her cash and a ladder if she'd elope dclined my offer .Her 2nd marriage was just both sets of parents and a party a week later

valeriej43 Sat 17-Jun-17 16:23:10

I can understand how upset you are, and i think if your husbands sister had told you in advance,and explained they were just wanting a quiet wedding and no family were going it would have been less upsetting
Did they have any other family there though?,if so it would be more of an insult i think to just leave you out

Sleepyamber Sat 17-Jun-17 19:41:07

Thanks for your replys, her daughter and her daughters partner went and were witnesses. I know most of you think I should just suck it up, but I genually feel I've been punched in the stomach. I would probably think the same as you if it hadn't happened to me. I do believe that no man is an island and if as a family we can't celebrate the good times in life together then what is the point.

CassieJ Sat 17-Jun-17 19:43:04

I must admit this is what my second husband and I did. He is now my ex, but that's beside the point smile

We were both over 40, I had been married before and neither of us wanted a huge fuss. Family were all wide spread, so trying to get everyone together at the same time would have been almost impossible.

We went off for a long weekend and married. No family at all were there. Our witness's were people who worked in the registry office. Our photographer was the gardener there.
Family were a little surprised when we told them, and probably did make comments to each other about not being invited, though they never said anything to us.

It was our day to do as we wanted. I think that you are being unreasonable to not support your sister in law. Just be happy for the new couple.

Jane10 Sat 17-Jun-17 19:44:23

Could you ask them all round to yours for a celebration meal?

phoenix Sat 17-Jun-17 20:02:08

They obviously wanted a low key event, just 2 witnesses, ok, they happened to be "family/relatives" it's gone, in the past, you can't change it, is it really worth falling out over?

Grannyben Sat 17-Jun-17 20:44:05

My darling daughter did this same thing. I always knew she was never going to waltz down the aisle in a princess gown but it never crossed my mind that I would actually be there. Unfortunately, messy family logistics on both sides put them in an awkward position so off they went without any of us. When I found out I was devastated that I hadn't seen my own child on her special day but i did understand why they had done it. Wish them well and get over it.

Christinefrance Sat 17-Jun-17 23:37:27

Yes we did the same thing too, none of our children were invited although we told them beforehand. Retrospectively I would do things differently. As Phoenix says its done now, wish them well and be happy for them.

seasider Sun 18-Jun-17 07:38:43

My ex got married and did not bother to tell our children. He saw them regularly. He rang my house on the way to his honeymoon!

grannypiper Sun 18-Jun-17 08:05:50

Next time she needs help let her get on with it, family aren't just there for when your back is against the wall, they are there for the good times too.

suepicano Sun 18-Jun-17 09:10:16

You are hurt because you see it as a rejection of yourselves
It is almost certainly that they wanted to get married without a lot of emotional and practical fuss
It's their choice so I would suggest you accept it without rancour and enjoy the new relationship

radicalnan Sun 18-Jun-17 09:14:30

Wish her well and offer to lay on a celebration, low key bar b q would do or cream tea....up to her if she wants that. You can share their happiness, does that have to be a specific location and at a set time?

Get a simple cake and a bottle of will be your present to them and to yourself. Life is better with celebration rather than upset in.

inishowen Sun 18-Jun-17 09:15:30

My brother had a similar wedding. It was his third marriage and I think he wanted this one to be just the two of them, with no fuss, and no expense. He let me know after the event and I was absolutely fine about it. I'm glad that he and his wife are happy and that's the main thing.

Sylvie1 Sun 18-Jun-17 09:27:14

So sorry you feel so hurt Sleepyamber, not everyone thinks these things through. I was at the hospital a couple of months back. A very long wait was in store but I was lucky enough to be sat next to a very nice lady and her sister. Her sister went to find something to eat and we started to chat. She told me she had been with her partner for a few years and they had planned to go away for a few days and get married without telling anyone. She said I was the only person she had told. Probably because I didn't know any of her family. It was clear she was very close to her family and said she planned to go to her mother's place of work and surprise her and her sister!!! I asked her if she had thought about this very carefully and she seemed surprised and asked if I didn't think it a good idea. I said it was her day but just to think about how the family may not be quite as happy as she thought they would be. Of course, I never saw her again but wherever she is I hope she is really happy with the decision she made. Maybe your relative didn't realise how hurt you would be. Accept it and wish them happiness!

Penstemmon Sun 18-Jun-17 09:33:00

I do understand your feelings but your future relationship will depend on your response. The couple wee entitled to do as they wanted. Why not take them out for a fab meal to celebrate & to enjoy their company. That is if you want to keep the friendhip alive.

grandtanteJE65 Sun 18-Jun-17 09:40:47

I can't work out from your description whether other family members and friends were invited to the wedding, or whether they only had the legal witnesses present.
I can understand only too well why you feel hurt, but if no-one was invited except witnesses I feel you have less reason to be upset, than if you and your husband were excluded.
However, if you want a good relationship with your sister-in-law and her new husband, I think the best thing is to send your congrats and say nothing about your hurt, right now. Perhaps later, you can at some time mention that you were sad not to be there and felt excluded.
A young woman who we practically regard as a daughter did the same to us, after having invited us to her wedding, she then got married without telling anyone and only sent a text message afterwards! We were badly hurt and made, what I now see was the mistake of saying so, so now we are barely on speaking terms. In hindsight I would have done better to have held my tongue, as we both miss her.