Wedding

I can understand why you are upset, but they clearly didn't want a fuss and probably had no idea that you or anyone else would be upset by this. That said, if I were in your position, I would limit my response to a very hearty (feigned if necessary) 'congratulations'. If they wanted such a low-key wedding, I doubt they want or expect any more. I certainly wouldn't feel inclined to host any kind of celebratory get-together, however small or informal. But that's just me!

She did what I wanted to do - "let's just do it and tell everyone afterward". I have always disliked weddings and hated to be the centre of attention. But though DH would have gone along with what I wanted, I knew deep down he wanted at least some of his close family there, so that's what we did. Our parents, his sisters and DHs, and a couple of close friends. It is also what my late DiL wanted to do when she and my son got married, but in the end they had just a very small gathering. His second wedding was an altogether more lavish affair. My DD and her partner have been together for 25 years this year, and for all I know, they could have tied the knot and kept it a deep dark secret. They are serially private people. (He casually refers to her in the company of strangers as "my wife"). We don't, and have never, discussed it. Don't let this eat away at you, Sleepyamber. Respect their decision and wish them well.

One of my cousins did this many years ago. It was a first marriage and I was quite shocked when I heard. I did think his parents were probably very hurt but never talked about it to them as we weren't close. We had our own theories as to why, but generally kept quiet about them. I think in recent years it may have become more common with more second marriages and more people living together before marriage so I guess it could happen to any of us. We should cherish our relationships and let go of hurt and upsets quickly if we want to keep those relationships going.
Happily my son recently married and the happy couple wanted a huge celebration with as many friends and family as possible. Their problem was finding a venue to fit everyone in within their relatively small budget so everything was very DIY, making for lots of hard work but a real sense of everyone working together.
Everyone should be allowed to do it their way and as many posters have said, life's too short to hold on to hurt and offence. Put it behind you if you can and find an opportunity to celebrate with them soon.

We can't send them to Coventry.
Apparently people try but it is against GN rules.

Both you and your husband are entitled to know.
Entitled?

It would have been nice but they are not entitled to know

I agree with all the earlier posts; as this only happened 'yesterday' when you wrote, you were still in shock and I think it is quite possible your SiL didn't think of you being hurt but rather wanted to surprise you and was no doubt hoping for a very different reaction to the one you are expressing. As relations have been good between you up until now, I suspect there was no intention on her part to hurt you but as everyone else has said, they did it their way; perhaps her husband hates a fuss and doesn't get on so well with his family - you know how it goes - if we invite so and so, then we have to invite so and so and so it goes on until in the end they have decided, "let's just do it on the quiet and surprise everyone". It would be nice if they made the gesture of a celebratory meal with you and your husband but perhaps it needs to come from you if you wish to remain on good terms; I would encourage this as positive family relationships need to be cherished and nurtured and can be lost so easily through misunderstanding; so please tread carefully and try not to feel rejected, though I totally get why you do. We all look out at the world through different lenses and react in different ways. Perhaps in the fullness of time you may want to express your disappointment that you were not included on her special day but for now, let it go and share their joy and be grateful she now has a husband to share her life with, rather than worrying you and your husband.

Maybe she's witnessed friends who wanted a fuss-free and simple wedding suddenly having it taken over and turned into a major theatrical production by well-meaning relatives?

Great minds, elegran!

Crossed posts, devongirl

And we are getting off the subject of the OP again.

Hasn't this drifted far too far from the original post? Why not start a new thread to discuss racism if that's really wanted and return to the OP question on this one.

I am not sure whether it should be filer a l'anglaise or filer a l'anglais?

Racist terms, or ones used as such in that past, are generally used for a near neighbour, it being human nature to dislike those more than someone a million miles away.

There is frogs for the French, who in turn call us rosbifs, there was the English disease, known in England as the French disease (the pox), filer a l'anglaise, or taking French leave (going AWOL) a paddy for a tantrum, and a paddy wagon for a police arrest van.

The French, English and Irish are not pleased to be called any of these things, any more than the American Indians or the Aberdonians, Welsh, Dutch and Spanish.

Why is it worse to be racist about an American Indian than about someone nearer to home? All of these peoples have had things to suffer in the past.

Aberdonians, the Welsh and Spaniards would beg to differ.

MB just before I go - I would argue ( well I would wouldn't I) that your examples are not racist but the original example is

Yes, you did a good job didn't you*Elegran*? Why don't you start a thread about it? Your pot calling pan attitude is breathtaking in its arrogance. Well am I allowed to leave the thread pretty please? Others can carry on obvs

I am sure I am not alone in never having heard the expression before.
Native Americans (right term?) suffered more than enough without this characteristic, if such it be, being preserved for posterity.
I hope we will never more hear of anybody welshing on an agreement, a deserted location being likened to Aberdeen on a flag day , Dutch courage anybody getting off Scot free, or indeed Spanish practices
What to do with offenders though?
We can't send them to Coventry.

No need for any more comments about the wedding then? Another thread goes off-piste into arguments about the wording of posts, leading to verbal fisticuffs and bad temper and ending in summary dismissal as having run its course.

The internet has a lot to answer for. So much opportunity for confrontation.

So? Since when was it your role to make up what I said because you thought I went on a bit? Rhetorical question so don't waste your time answering. This thread has run its course anyway - hop you are feelin a bit less hurt OP and test you all have a nice celebration together soon

True, Rigby you didn't demand an apology. You did go on a bit after your first condemnation and your post that you were reporting it though.

Elegran where on earth did I demand an apology ? Sometimes posters are so keen to have a go at me that they invent things that I never said just so they can.. Really really really silly......

My opinion is that by taking offence at this the OP and her husband will be cutting off their noses to spite their faces. Yrs, it would have been nice to know that your SiL was getting married, you could have sent her your best wishes and perhaps a gift - but when and where she marries is entirely her own business. If she or her new husband have been married before, they will have one all the big do stuff once and may not have fancied all the hoo-ha a second time round. In any case, not everyone wants to have a big wedding party. They may feel that they just want to be on their own and make their vows.

Then think of who else they would have had to ask if they asked you - more family, friends of each of them, partners and children of those friends and family, it soon adds up to large numbers and a large bill.

If you want to celebrate with them, invite them out for a nice meal in a few weeks time, just the four of you, and wish them joy. And keep quiet about not being invited, reproaches are not a good way to celebrate.

Well, you have challenged it so your anti-racist credentials are clear. It sounds like a little-lnown US expression, so it is not likely that anyone here is going to pick it up and run around looking for times and places to use it. I have never seen a post from that username before, and probably never will again, so I suspect you are wasting your breath demanding an apology from thin air.

If I were you, I'd let it be now and get back to discussing the original question.

Rigby you seek and find arguments where there are none. End of.

I said the term was racist and it is. I don't care at all whether she knew it or not, her use of it had to be challenged. End of.