Offensive guest

Oh he won't be coming back that's for sure. I was just caught on the hop. Fortunately my neighbours knew me well enough to know I would be both embarrassed and dithery. Neither of us like conflict and we tend to have the same sense of humour. They had friends round at the weekend and made some loud remarks in the garden about me - before hoisting themselves up at the fence in a row and grinning at me!!

These situations are very difficult. From a distance it seems that you put ypur lovely neighbours feelings last. They will be your neighbours as a permanent fixture and possibly friends to you. I think their feelings should not be put at risk. You don't know this man and hope to never see him again, but future requests for use of your garden are sure to come and him with them. It's a choice between your position in the club and your lovely neighbours.

I am with you alchemilla! I am from a mixed race family and some of my cousins are Muslim. I would certainly challenge..as reasonably as I could any ill informed comments and out and out racism!!

Always call people out on racism/sexism/richism (last is "I don't know why they can't live on £50 pw) - try to do it subtly or humorously if not on home turf - but on mine, I'd certainly tap the person on the elbow, lead them away "just want a quick word" and then just say I find their opinions unacceptable, uncomfortable and if they don't get off that subject could they arrange to leave.

Eglantine, well done, you must feel better now, you and your neighbours sound lovely.

B*** tablet posted too soon. ? I was going to say "Aslemma" is Tunisian Arabic for "Hello".

I invariably say something if people make such remarks in my hearing as I don't have a problem with challenging them. I have spent quite a lot of holidays in Tunisia, where I have never felt unsafe. Incidentaly my nam

I also have lovely Muslim neighbours. When I first bought the house we had the neighbours from hell. Through the problems with them, got on christian name terms with local police, local councillor and housing association due to the many discussions about the problems. After several years they were finally moved and our lovely neighbours arrived. Believe they were a little apprehensive as it is a predominately white area and they weren't sure if they would be welcome. So we made sure to welcome them and all is well. I've even had samosa making lessons!

Radicalnan. It is one thing to say that some destinations are unsafe because of the threat of terrorism. Quite another for him to say he didn't want to go anywhere where Muslims were because it isn't safe. It may be his opinion but it was ignorant and offensive. Those type of people always have a loud mouth.

I'm with Joy

yes, they do sound like lovely neighbours, but you must also have been a good neighbour to them, for them to know you so well, and appreciate your position.

You have lovely neighbours by the sound of it

So glad you took Joy's advice that was spot on. I would have to have seen this man's face if you had said,"Well maybe you had better leave as we stay next door to a Muslin family and you obviously won't feel safe"

Eglantine it made me smile to read your neighbour's response!

Perhaps you could listen out for an opportunity to raise what happened next time you all get together as a club. It might be that other people wanted to say something at the time too and like you, are still thinking about it. Life throws things like this at us every now and then.

Sorry, my post got delayed - I wrote it before Eglantine posted again.

However 'lowly' you are in this club - you have a home& garden nice enough to host an event, so you are in a position of power.
You were caused embarrassment.
You have no cause to defend your position: you didn't know this was going to happen, you tried to keep it as low-key as possible - this is all reasonable.
You can say to the Club that you do not wish to hear those views, the fact that your neighbours are Muslim made it especially embarrassing, but would be wrong anyway.
If this was a Club function, then Club should tackle it, but don't let them make YOU feel any more awkward.

Would love to know what kind of Club it is, but appreciate that would compromise anonymity!!

Sorry that spell check mangled your name!

Ellastone, I think you did the right thing. I have often found it difficult to jump in and stop someone saying something offensive! And, as you have described it, it sounds specifically unpleasant, not voicing a general fear about travel and attacks.
You have obviously got lovely neighbours, and no, it is not your fault.
I think how to proceed depends on the nature of the club and Mr. Bigot's place in it. Is there a meeting where you could ask for an agenda item about behaviour at gatherings? Could you or the chair write a letter? I do think that you have a right to express both your displeasure and embarrassment.
What I would advise is swift action or no action. It is fine to say that you kept quiet at the party, not wanting to inflame a situation, but now I think you do need to raise it.
Difficult if say, next year, they ask if you can host again, and you have to say ' not if HE 's there!

Something that has helped me in similar situations, is to think ' why should I feel awkward? It is he who was out of line!
Good luck

Thank you for your kind comments. I know I should have challenged him. I'm sure other people were uncomfortable too. It was a muddle of etiquette. They didn't like to say anything because it was not their house, He was the partner of a club member and perhaps nobody wanted to upset her. I didn't like to say anything because I am a lowly member of the club who was just providing the venue and because I was always taught not enter into argument with guests but to let remarks pass and divert the conversation. Very old fashioned Im afraid. Oh dear. I'm almost glad I won't have to deal with this new world for many more years!

Well done Eglantine. It's also given yuh an insight into how lovely your neighbours are. I can understand how you were caught unprepared for your loud-mouthed, racist guests, it can take you back when people like this enter your sphere.

Close their windows if they hear something they don't like? WTAF?

The fact that you ask that radical says it all

I think we all have a duty of care to each other no matter how diverse. We need to try and challenge hate. I am a teacher in a college and I have to challenge attitudes all the time. The best way is just to give a more educated view it doesn’t have to be and shouldn't be confrontational. I challenge inequality where ever I go, and yes you should have stood up for what you thought was right but I know it’s not easy so rather than beat yourself up just think next time I will challenge it . It shouldn’t matter if they heard it or not really.
Sounds to me like your neighbour is a much bigger person that the one you had in your garden, maybe next time invite her so he could be educated and see she isn’t a terrorist. Its all moral panics based on ignorance.

How is it wrong for someone to voice their concerns about their own safety when travelling abroad? There have been some horrible incidents..........it isn't racist to express a concern. If he is blaming someone who is present and making them feel bad that is one thing but to express a wisely held view isn't racist, its a view. Would you have been so outraged at a sexist viewpoint or a class one?

I am glad you have lovely neighbours.

I wonder if they were offended or are we swift now to feel outrage on behalf of others?

I had many guests here last Christmas, one is mixed race Nigerian / Greek and was horribly embarrassed when he was working and his cafe got picketed by someone who decided he owed them money......a local solicitor popped along and made a big speech about how 'this was his country and all races were welcome'........it wasn't an issue to do with race at all.

I am sure your neighbours are capable of closing their windows if they hear something that they don't like, it clearly wasn't aimed at them and they sound like a discerning bunch.

So glad the horrid situation has been resolved. Like the majority of Moslems your neighbours sound lovely people.

However the matter of the loud mouthed bigot has not been resolved. I think I would approach the chairman of the club, tell him you feelings and ask that he passes that on to said oaf and that he will not be welcomed to your home again. The chairman is accountable to the members and the bigot is answerable to the chairman. This sort of behaviour needs to be negated, it is an insidious route to rampant racism.

Two of my grandchildren are mixed race and if I am In the company of someone who starts a conversation by being racist, I will always make sure I say "before you start I think you should know my gc are mixed race" stops them in their tracks most of the time