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(50 Posts)
Eglantine19 Wed 12-Jul-17 08:54:42

I don't really know where to post this being new but would welcome some advice. At the weekend I hosted a barbecue for a club I belong to. Partners were invited too. One of them had a loud voice and some definite opinions particularly on not wanting to go anywhere where Moslems were because it wasn't safe. My next door neighbours are Moslems. It was a hot night, we were in the garden and all the windows next door were open. They must have heard.
Should I knock and explain? They are a lovely family and we have always got on well. I'd hate them to think I agreed with him. I didn't shut him up because I didn't know him and he was a guest at a club function not my guest exactly.
I haven't seen any of the family yet casually to gauge whether they are reacting differently.

Anniebach Wed 12-Jul-17 09:03:20

Sorry but he was in your garden so you should have asked him to stop airing such views in your home, or you could have asked one if your club officials to have asked him to shut up or leave.

Eglantine19 Wed 12-Jul-17 09:11:40

Yes, I know. I am guilty of always taking the line of least resistance and then realising I've got myself into an even worse situation than if I'd dealt with the problem head on. But the few times I have tried to tackle something I only seem to stir things up and cause offence. Right now I don't know whether to tackle the issue or use let it go.

Eglantine19 Wed 12-Jul-17 09:12:06

just not use

MissAdventure Wed 12-Jul-17 09:14:44

How about taking round a bunch of flowers with a brief note attached?
I can sympathise; I often let things go and then worry myself to distraction about not having done the right thing.

JoyBloggs Wed 12-Jul-17 09:14:57

Maybe you could just go round and apologise in a very general way for the noise and throw into the conversation that unfortunately there was a particularly loud,undesirable character there who you had never met before. You would probably then be able to judge by her reaction whether she had heard his comments and been upset by them and then decide whether you needed to elaborate and reassure her you did not share his opinions. After all they may have been watching TV or busy at the front of the house and not have heard the comments. A tricky situation, good luck!

Eglantine19 Wed 12-Jul-17 09:24:56

That's a good idea Joy. Thank you.

Oriel Wed 12-Jul-17 09:26:35

Are you absolutely sure that they heard? How long was the loud guy mouthing off - was it just a one off topic of conversation?

I agree with the other poster that you should have told loud man that your friends next door are muslims and that his comments were uncalled for and unwelcome but there's obviously nothing that can be done in that way now.

If you feel sure they heard then, if it were me, I'd send a message in a card. Keep it brief, say something along the lines of you value them as friends and neighbours and that you are mortified about loud man's behaviour. Assure them that his views are not yours.

Bellanonna Wed 12-Jul-17 10:10:02

Totally agree with Joy

Christinefrance Wed 12-Jul-17 10:26:08

Yes well said Joy, totally agree .

rosesarered Wed 12-Jul-17 11:18:16

Yup, Joy.... that is what I would do too.

BBbevan Wed 12-Jul-17 11:26:36

My DiLs family are Muslim. Sadly this sort of thing is usual to them now. It is hurtful but they mostly just shrug their shoulders and move on.They are truly lovely people. Kind, gentle, compassionate and generous. If only we were all like that

Eglantine19 Wed 12-Jul-17 13:44:31

Just to update you with a happy ending. I did what Joy said, apologised for the noise and said that it was a Club meeting and there were a number of people there that I didn't really know. I must have looked very sheepish because she started laughing and said that knowing me as they did they were just waiting for my embarrassed knock at the door.
Still I shouldn't have let it happen. I need assertiveness lessons.

Swanny Wed 12-Jul-17 14:14:09

Well done Eglantine , flowers for you too.

MissAdventure Wed 12-Jul-17 14:23:33

Oh I'm so pleased it worked out ok. You'll need to bear it in mind if anything like this happens again, so you can be strong enough to be fired up and say something.

HildaW Wed 12-Jul-17 14:26:47

Well done Eglantine.....and perhaps have a friends only event and invite your lovely sounding neighbours!

JoyBloggs Wed 12-Jul-17 20:10:07

Eglantine Very pleased to hear of your happy ending. Like you I tend to take the line of least resistance and I end up in difficult situations... I then spend ages wondering how to dig my way out! It sounds as though you have a great relationship with your neighbours.

BlueBelle Wed 12-Jul-17 21:13:11

Glad it went well and they understand and know you better than gobby man did but do be brave next time it s not easy but I couldn't bear to have anyone in my garden with those views and they need blooming stopping in their tracks ...if they are offended ....tough at least they won't come back to bother you
I m sorry to bang on but racists need challenging or else it becomes commonplace
But well done all the same

elfies Thu 13-Jul-17 11:09:34

What lovely neighbours, cherish them xx

sarahellenwhitney Thu 13-Jul-17 11:10:48

The fact this loud mouthed individual was on your property, does not give him the right to get on his soap box and make insulting remarks. Don't wait to see your neighbours on a casual basis, make an effort, knock on their door and take it from there. Lets hope they didn't hear him but be ready.

Nelliemaggs Thu 13-Jul-17 11:11:34

I am so glad you took Joy's advice and it went so well. It is difficult to shut people up and probably any damage was already done before you could have had a chance.

Our neighbours are also Muslim and at big family gatherings in our garden I have been ready to shut down any conversations which might head in an anti-Muslim or 'fear of' direction. Easy enough to do when you know everyone and their likely views but seriously difficult with loud mouthed strangers.

lionpops Thu 13-Jul-17 11:11:36

Sorry but you should have told him their views were offensive so either shut up or leave the premises. The club has a responsibility.

Imperfect27 Thu 13-Jul-17 11:41:26

Followed this post with interest and glad Eglantine that you had such a good outcome with your neighbours. To knock on their door and risk some ire took courage and sensitivity in itself - we are not all made of steel and hindsight is a wonderful thing. Well done you for taking that positive step and well done your neighbours for being generous-hearted and sensible enough not to make you feel uncomfortable over someone else's bigoted opinions.

Rigby46 Thu 13-Jul-17 11:50:18

You sound lovely OP just as do your neighbours. It is hard to challenge in the circumstances you describe. But you know him now and will make sure he never crosses your threshold again I'm sure. As for me, I wouldn't go to another club event he was also going to be at and I'd tell the organiser why in private. Well done for handling it as you did.

Rigby46 Thu 13-Jul-17 11:52:56

Of course his views may well( at least I hope so) have upset others there but they would have felt unable to challenge him in your home. Actually if no one was upset, you may not want to be a member of that club any more.