You are all so tolerant

I really objected to being called a "mug" on a thread yesterday ,simply because I do a lot of childcare for my grandchildren.I do a lot of things for a lot of people ,its my nature ,I LIKE helping/caring for people always have .I wont change who I am because some folk think you should leave adult children to sink or swim,its not my way .Thankfully my OH is exactly the same and would help anyone who needs it,Family is the strongest of bonds to me though I have put up total strangers in my home because the friends they were visiting didn't have enough spare beds,one lovely man said he'd stayed in 5 star hotels and not been treated as well....lol.So I will continue to do my best for anyone who comes my way who needs a wee helping hand

I don't think grandparents who help are mugs, any more than I think those who dont want to wear themselves into the ground doing it are the type who would let their children sink or swim. Its all about balance, and that's different for each and every one of us, dependent too on other circumstances.

I look after my DGC willingly because I adore them & feel very lucky to be close enough to do it. Nothing to do with being tolerant. They are young for so short a time I want to appreciate having them & build memories for them to remember when I am gone.
I love having them even if I do have to collapse when they go home!We have such fun together. Eldest has just turned 13 so I know it is only a matter of time before he doesn't really want to come to Grandma's any more- sad but I accept it- we will still be close as we have built that bond.
Enjoy every moment while you can.

We live too far away to be of any assistance to our DS & DDiL in looking after our grandchildren. We will make the 4 hour drive in an emergency, and have done, and the other grandma does live close and does help, but she is in her 80s and they have always been aware that, despite being healthy, they should not overload her.

As much as I love my grandchildren I do feel that they are the responsibility of their parents. I had no help looking after mine because neither set of in-laws lived near us and, like many modern mothers, I worked for most of my children's childhoods.

Of course circumstances vary and if my DGC lived nearer I might well have found that there were circumstances where I would commit myself to some regular care, but having brought our children up and launched them successfully into the world, I expect them to be self-sufficient.

I like that. Launching your children.. makes them sound like rockets.

Thanks for your responses. It's been an eye-opener, reading them. I like lionpops attitude. She will be all the more appreciated because of it.

I quote the philosophy of Khalil Gibran a lot - this is my favourite piece of his on childhood - could just as easily have been called 'On parenthood' - take from it what you will xx

On Children
Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

More like ships, ploughing their way through the seas in all weathers. Well-founded and well skippered they should be able to steer their way through most perils, but if disaster does strike, we will try to launch the life boat

We are lucky to live very close to DS , his wife & our 4yr old DGS & we look after him on a regular basis one day a week plus babysitting duties & "emergency callouts". However, it's always understood that it's at our convenience & if we're away, it's not a problem & alternative arrangements are made. A widowed relation of DH' s has both married daughters & their families living close by &, to an outside observer, she is a slave to both girls who play her off one against the other, vying for her time. The poor woman hasn't got time for a life of her own as she is either child minding, doing the school run, ferrying kids to after school activities, babysitting etc , we do feel she's made a rod for her own back though.

I'm glad GrammaH that you acknowledge you're an outsider. I expect your 'widowed relation' might see it from an entirely different standpoint.

I think that if I ever felt I was being 'taken for granted' things would change. My mum didn't live close enough to help out when mine were little and I know how I missed her being in my children's lives so much. They loved their Grandma and always wanted to stay longer when we visited. I feel privileged that my DD chose to stay local to us and to share her children with us. I help out around the house and get her laundry sorted etc so that they can enjoy more family time at the weekends. It's my choice and I love it. We have a very close, loving relationship with the boys and have made some super memories with them.

I loved every minute of it whenever we were asked to look after our DGD. She is a teenager now and we see much less of her and we miss her. I wouldn't have had it any other way. I have a friend who devotes her life and time to her grandchildren, which she is happy to do, but it's such a lot for her to cope with. She is in her 60s and looks after a baby and a toddler while one of her DD's works. Sometimes her daughters treat her in a less than respectful way.

I think the nub of the matter is nobody likes being taken for granted.

paddyann the comment you received was out of order. You clearly don't feel your family take advantage of you or take your support for granted. That's what works for you and your family. Everybody is different and unless they ask our opinions we should respect their choices.

Rosieleah I am constantly impressed with the advice given on GN and have learned a lot in my time on here. I've changed my opinion on things too, after reading other points of view.

GrammaH, I am in total agreement with your attitudes in your post. Your actions are what mine would be were I fortunate enough to live close to my DGC. The 'other Grandma', who does live close by, acts as you do. We remain a close and loving family.

There seems to be a competition or pecking order between grandparents to 'prove' their love and devotion for their grandchildren by the extent to which they will martyr themselves and give up everything, jobs, security, a life of their own, to devote their lives to their grandchildren.

I am quite happy to be at the bottom of the pecking order. Like my parents in retirement before me, I have a very busy life; involvement in voluntary work, a large garden, holiday home in France and other interests which I will certainly abandon in an emergency or special circumstances, but, only in the most exceptional circumstances, on a continuing basis.

Hi I don't think its about tolerance its about circumstances, the way you want to live your life and the way your children live theirs. Some are taken for granted, some aren't. Some would like more contact others wouldn't or indeed would love it but cant have it. Some have way too much involvement in their children and grand children's lives and dependency sets in. Others are very isolated. if you stick with the site you will see all sorts of dilemmas. Some sad some happy. we all make choices or have choices made for us. Its not an easy world is it. What is happiness for some is a real chore for others. !! good luck with your world when the grandkids hit and good luck with the circumstances surrounding them! Its a great site to have a debate or seek help- you would be surprised at how INtolerant some are when their views are so totally different to others! Welcome!

I never knew my paternal GPs, my maternal GM didnt look after me much, but I had a wonderful relationship with my maternal GF, I loved the very bones of him!
When our DS was born, my in-laws didn't want anything to do with him (their loss), but my parents adored him. Sadly my DF died when DS was just 18 months old, but my DM and DS had an amazing relationship. To be honest I think he gave her a reason to live after my DF died.
They were very, very close, and remained that way until DM died when DS was 22 years old.
We volunteered our services as childminders for three days per week as soon as DDiL announced her pregnancy. We love every second of being with DGS, and although we get tired looking after him for 10 hour days, both DH and I have said we wouldn't swap it for the world!
It's an honour and a pleasure to be such a big part of his life!

I hadn't intended to have much to do with GS1 - but that was before I met him. By the time he was six months old I'd decided to look after him when DS went back to work and it was such fun! Like having my own, but I could go back home to bed Now there are three GSs and because of DH's illness I don't do a lot with them, but I am always available for emergencies.

Sadly we don't live near enough to be of any practical help but we still have a very close relationship with our DGC. It is vitally important to the young and the old to be able to relate well to each other and the family is the best place for that to be learned and practiced so that it spreads out to the wider community.

DH and I are looking forward to seeing our DGC next month for the first time this year and the anticipation is building for all of us.

I had a magical relationship with my maternal grandparents and despite being one of 20+ grandchildren I always felt treasured. My own children never got the chance for a close relationship like that as my mum died when I was pregnant with my eldest and 2 months before he was born we moved to Germany as my OH was in the army. We lived there for over 20 years and had 4 more children but my kids never had the chance to get as close as we only saw the 3 remaining grandparents for about 4 weeks a year. When my elder daughter became pregnant I was determined that the baby would feel as treasured as I did as a child. We shared care as my daughter worked evenings and we worked days so there was continuous involvement. As I'm writing this I am in the labour ward with my middle daughter who is expecting her 5th baby. She will be our 13th grandchild and we have another due in October. 7 of my grandchildren belong to my 2 eldest daughters and live within 20 miles of me,1 lives 50 miles away another 120 miles, 3 at the other end of the country and 1 in Germany. I obviously see more of the local ones, especially the eldest who is now 18 as we have always been very close. My son's who live 50 and 120 miles away are always complaining that I do too much running around after my daughter's and that I never help them or visit, in fact they criticise everything I do. I am disabled and find the drive down there exhausting and painful. They never ring but when I ring them they're always busy. They say they're not coming to visit because I never visit them. I've been down twice to theirs since they last came here. It's breaking my heart. They have both blocked me on Facebook so I can't see what they and our gorgeous grandchildren are doing. I can't physically do any more as I still work. I get home from work and fall asleep on the settee but apparently that's my own fault for "running after the girls", but I don't, they just assume that's what happens. I adore all my kids, stepson and grandkids and would love to be able to see them more often. Why are my sons being so horrible? They're 40 and 36 so not angsty teenagers, or maybe they are?? Sorry. I've gone off on a rant here but my brain isn't capable of correcting this legibly at this time of the morning!

I love watching my dgc. I'm very open to doing as much as I'm able. There will come a day when they don't need minding, etc. So I cherish every moment I get now.

But, then again, dd doesn't take my help for granted. Asks in advance, accepts if I have to say no, for some reason, etc. Perhaps I would be resentful otherwise, idk.

Also, I must admit, when I hear about gps who have been cut out of their gc's lives, including many on this site, it makes me feel lucky that I get to see and babysit mine.

Rosie, it seems to me, there are two extremes - gps whose ac/cil constantly expect and demand babysitting vs, gos who have been wholly co. Most of us gps are somewhere in the middle.