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AIBU be really hurt by this?

(76 Posts)
JuliaSeizer44 Sun 06-Aug-17 01:36:49

Son about to celebrate milestone birthday. He, and his younger brother live in the same town, about 400 miles from me. Both have kids. I try to get down there 2-4 times a year, depending on finances (I'm a pensioner). Mass invitation to the birthday issued to all friends and family - I accepted immediately, and asked, by messenger, if I could come to stay. Just received reply that birthday boy's wife's sister and family are staying in their spare room, and that I can stay with younger son. This couple and child live 100 miles away, but able to make frequent trips up. All fine, except that son 2 has recently separated and is living in a cold, unfurnished place with the only spare bed a mattress on the floor. Son 2 of course said I can have his bed. Where I'm a bit miffed is that son 1's in-laws live in the same town. and have plenty of room. As mother of the birthday boy, who has to make a long trip down, I'm really hurt that I wasn't offered the spare room. Am I being unreasonable to feel sad about this?

Sugarpufffairy Sun 06-Aug-17 01:51:26

I would probably feel hurt by that too. I hate lack of consideration. I would have thought the blood relatives of the birthday boy would take priority over the wife's relatives. This is especially true when the wife's family live in the local area.
I dont think it is wise to stay with Son 2 it is hardly local being 100 miles away. Son too is trying to build up a house and does not have sufficient goods as yet in his house.
I hope that son 1 will realise what is wrong with his statement. Have you discussed the real issue with Son 1?

phoenix Sun 06-Aug-17 03:00:06

I don't think that it is son 2 who lives 100 miles away?

FarNorth Sun 06-Aug-17 03:07:04

Maybe the in-laws have other guests too?

I'd feel a bit miffed, maybe, but I'd not make a fuss and just stay with son 2 and make the best of it.

JuliaSeizer44 Sun 06-Aug-17 03:43:49

Son 2 lives close to his brother. The in-laws don't have lots of guests - in fact they are going away for the day of the party! I certainly won't make a fuss, but that doesn't stop me from feeling hurt when I'm the one that does all the running to visit and to be in contact. Nobody visits me, but then they have young children, so I don't expect it. Never get phonecalls or messages, either however, unless I initiate them.

suzied Sun 06-Aug-17 05:45:07

You'll be staying with one of your sons, you'll have a decent bed and can go with him to the party. Maybe your DS1 thought it best for the wife's family to stay in the same house as the wife ? Try to see this from their point of view, you are being included and you are with a family member. They have a lot of guests to consider and you are an important one, but unfortunately it's not all about you. I'd try to be positive and have a great time!

PamelaJ1 Sun 06-Aug-17 06:23:19

Id probably be hurt too but I shouldn't think they mean to.
Maybe a bit thoughtless but as Suzied said you will be with your other son who might welcome quality time with his mum.
I had an incident recently where I felt hurt about a family wedding. Just told myself to get over it!!
I sent waves of hate to the bride but she didn't seem to notice!
Life is too short to be unhappy about these sort of things, all you do is hurt yourself. Rise above it and enjoy the occasion.

mumofmadboys Sun 06-Aug-17 06:31:10

Perhaps son 2 offered to have you to stay to his brother and son 1 didnt like to say she would be moe comfy with us! Let it go without comment and enjoy!

Anya Sun 06-Aug-17 07:18:29

No reason to feel miffed. You will be staying with your othe son who has offered you his bed. That's seems find by me - provided he remembers to change the sheets.

Stop looking at the negatives and concentrate on the positive.

trueblue22 Sun 06-Aug-17 07:29:48

You could always stay in an airbnb and be independent?

rizlett Sun 06-Aug-17 07:43:06

Perhaps book a premier inn so that you feel your visit is a real treat.

This also might help with making choices to not feel hurt and to practice ignoring negative thoughts. We can only feel hurt if that's what we choose to feel.

JuliaSeizer44 Sun 06-Aug-17 08:14:39

Thanks for the comments, everyone.

harrigran Sun 06-Aug-17 08:25:31

Stay with DS2 and don't make a fuss , the day is about DS1 not about who should sleep where.

DanniRae Sun 06-Aug-17 08:54:53

Yes Julia I would be hurt and mad as hell - BUT I wouldn't let them know! I'd go and stay with the son who is giving up his bed for you and make sure I had a bl**dy great time. Good Luck!!

Elegran Sun 06-Aug-17 09:41:34

Perhaps the sister etc had already asked if they could stay before you asked and it had been agreed? Changing an arrangement would cause even more widespread irritation than you are now feeling - and you won't be looking for accommodation, you will will be staying with S2, who has given up his bed for you and will sleep on a mattress in the spare room.

Accept with a good grace and enjoy the celebrations without poisoning the atmosphere with recriminations, which will just make you look like a badtempered old so-and-so. Mention to S2 how cold you always find his place and ask whether he has a portable heater you could use, but be sure to thank him for his welcome.

Moocow Sun 06-Aug-17 09:44:11

I second DanniRae hate thoughtless people even worse when related. Enjoy time with the son who is being so thoughtful.

Jalima1108 Sun 06-Aug-17 10:01:34

JuliaSeizer sorry you feel hurt; however, perhaps it is your DIL who is organising the party for your son and asked her own sister and family if they wanted to stay. Does sister have young children? If so perhaps they were thinking that the children may want to go to bed and they could then stay for the rest of the party and not have to leave.
If the party is in the day then I'm not sure why the sister and family can't use her parents' house even if they are away, but I wouldn't get too upset about it.

Enjoy the party, enjoy having some time with your other son one-to-one too and yes, hope he changes the sheets!!

Jalima1108 Sun 06-Aug-17 10:03:45

It may not be so cold as it's summer - although it's not much of a summer at the moment, I agree.
Take some bedsocks.

Norah Sun 06-Aug-17 10:08:16

How far is the distance to the party from son2 home?

Nanabilly Sun 06-Aug-17 10:13:47

To be honest you will be grateful you are not with birthday boy and family on party day . It will be so hectic and no doubt you would be given jobs and then be tired for the party and then to top it all the party may continue into the early hours and he messy and noisy and sometimes these things get a bit ugly when alcohol is involved and then you would be there the next morning to witness hangovers and irritable folks. No , be grateful you are not going to be there and enjoy being with the other son and just enjoy the party.

Jalima1108 Sun 06-Aug-17 10:32:44

I think I would be more upset about the fact that Son 2 has recently separated for whatever reason and is living on his own in a cold unfurnished place.
I hope your visit cheers him up.

DanniRae Sun 06-Aug-17 12:27:54

Good point Jalimall - Well said!

travelsafar Sun 06-Aug-17 12:30:44

I think i'd book into a nearby hotel or B and B atleastyou are sure of a bed and some peace if it all gets too much.

Nelliemoser Sun 06-Aug-17 23:25:41

I think a night in a Premier inn or such might just be a far more comfortable experience all round if you can afford it.

Starlady Mon 07-Aug-17 00:19:03

Yes, I'd be hurt, too. But I agree that they probably didn't do this to hurt you. Since dil's family have already been invited to stay, they can't exactly uninvite them now and ask you to stay instead.

It's lovely that your younger s is happy to have you stay with him and that he offered you his bed. As others have suggested, however, you might prefer to stay at an inn, But, imo, Jalimal makes a great point!

Hope you have a wonderful time at the party!