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AIBU

.. to feel uncomfortable bout this book loan ..

(178 Posts)
devongirl Wed 16-Aug-17 15:19:14

Hi GNers,

I don't know where to go with this but it is really unsettling me so hoping for pearls of wisdom!

My GD is 24; my current OH has known her since she was a toddler, we've been in a relationship on/off for years, he is now 66.

We both belong to book clubs and frequently swap books; DD has a degree in EngLit so also v interested in books. Recently he had with him a book he was intending to lend to her, but as I was between books he lent it to me first.

Thing is, it's a beautifully written novella - no problem there; but the first quarter contains a long explicit and intimate (physically and emotionally) description of a sexual encounter.

When I read it, I was horrified at the idea of him (66-year-old man) lending this to my 24-year-old DD to read.

Am I being a prude? I can't begin to describe how completely inappropriate that would have been IMO.

Can GNers see where I'm coming from? and what do you think?

Kisathecat Thu 17-Aug-17 21:27:06

I would go with your instinct and not lend this particular book to her. I'd find it a bit icky tbh and you are not being a prude. It could easily make a 24 year old woman feel a bit uncomfortable. In fact I find the posters in here who do not seem to "get" your question quite odd.

Bambam Thu 17-Aug-17 20:23:13

Hi, personally I don't like any books with too descriptive sex in it.
If I accidentally came across one i certainly would not hand it to my daughter or granddaughter.
My husband reads more than me and he feels the same.
Call me a prude, I don't care. That is me! And how I feel.
Don't care what others think!

Jalima1108 Thu 17-Aug-17 20:12:37

Not a good idea to invade someone's personal space when they have a knitting needle in their hand Nelliemoser
grin

teifi Thu 17-Aug-17 19:58:33

I heard this book reviewed some while ago on the radio and thought at the time it sounded like a bit of a self-indulgent male fantasy, lots of sex between an upper-class man and a beautiful young servant girl (yawn). I haven't read it so might be being unfair. However, I do feel Devongirl's OH has got this a bit wrong (possibly, as a previous poster pointed out, because he doesn't want to appear prudish) and is probably feeling 'cross' because he now realises it.

Nelliemoser Thu 17-Aug-17 19:36:55

This is hypothetical really. The woman is grown up 24yrold
I think the issue of an older man showing a younger woman a sexy book is one thing.
What you really need to know is have you picked up any inferences or anything else from this bloke that might make you feel he is trying to stage a come on to this woman.

Does he make anyone feel uncomfortable by his body language etc?

Yesterday there was a late middle aged man with some women friends in the pub where we have our knitting group.
I was not sure if he knew someone in our group or not, but he was really getting far too close to some of us for comfort. A real invasion of peoples personal space.

Daisyboots Thu 17-Aug-17 19:16:41

This has made mesmile although I can understand the OP's attitude. My late Mum was an avid reader right until she died in her late 90s. She used to pass on some of the books to my DIL. On several occasions DIL has admitted to me that she felt rather embarrassed reading the steamy sections knowing that her husband's grandmother had also read them.

FarNorth Thu 17-Aug-17 19:06:08

Me too, Jalima. Sometimes they put me off so well, I give up right there.

I expect you'll be able to explain it properly to your OH when you see him in person, devongirl. It doesn't matter what other people think is okay, if you're not happy about it that's your prerogative.
There's no real need for this book to be shared with your DD after all.

Jalima1108 Thu 17-Aug-17 18:35:52

I enjoyed reading the one * reviews on a well-known online shop beginning with A.
(I always read the worst reviews first for books, hotels, places to visit etc!)

devongirl Thu 17-Aug-17 18:28:11

Just to reiterate (again) - I don't have a problem with the content of the book; it's the situation.

grumppa Thu 17-Aug-17 18:04:08

Only one of the reviews I have read on line makes much of a mention of the sex in the book, and it does seem a little odd that a well-received book by a Booker Prize winner should not be passed on. If I were the OH I would be hurt and annoyed. Suppose he had recommended the Song of Solomon?

codfather Thu 17-Aug-17 17:49:27

At 24 she's an adult and has probably read worse. With a Literature degree, she'll read it in a different light than you did! If you feel strongly, mention it gently to her, something like "That first section was a bit steamy!" After all, many young women have read "50 Shades!"

If you don't pass it on, as suggested by a previous contributor, you will open a whole can of worms about censoring your adult daughter's reading material! We all have to realise that our children eventually grow up..........Thankfully!

Victoria08 Thu 17-Aug-17 17:28:30

Yes, I think you are being a prude!

willa45 Thu 17-Aug-17 17:09:38

Just to clarify.....Being 'on and off' for years doesn't necessarily bestow someone with righteous 'fatherly' instincts.

We knew a couple where the husband (thirty two years her senior) knew the girl since she was four years old and he was still in his first marriage. Follow your gut.....this one doesn't feel right.

GracesGranMK2 Thu 17-Aug-17 17:03:03

Isn't he just treating her as an adult?

willa45 Thu 17-Aug-17 16:52:49

We have three adult, college educated children who love to read and appreciate good literature. My husband (ditto background) is also an avid reader. He, myself and our children often recommend/share best sellers, mystery novels, thrillers etc. We do not consider ourselves prudes.

So here's one perspective. My husband would not be comfortable lending out a book with sexually 'steamy, explicit' scenes (featured so prominently as to elicit mention), to a daughter/granddaughter, (regardless of age).

LyndaW Thu 17-Aug-17 16:32:18

I was once asked to read a friend's not yet published novel. It was quite...saucy! To be honest there wasn't much to it aside from the sex. She asked me to give it a critique and I didn't really know what to say.

norose4 Thu 17-Aug-17 16:28:00

He was happy to talk to you about it & to lend it you to read, so can't see anything untoward, especially ,if ,has been suggested, you warn her it is a bit 'explicit'?.Im sure she will say 'no thanks 'if she thinks it isn't be her cup of tea.

BlueBelle Thu 17-Aug-17 16:16:14

But she's known him and been his partner for 24 ish years as Devongirl says he's been around the granddaughter since she was a toddler mumofmadboys he's not just a random 66 year old giving her a book

suzied Thu 17-Aug-17 16:05:18

Just looking for something to read. The reviews look excellent, have bought it for my Kindle. Perhaps one for the book club?

mumofmadboys Thu 17-Aug-17 15:51:57

I suppose it is similar to say an older man you know say through U3A who you are friendly with from say a walking group lending you a novel with sex scenes in. I think if that happened to me as a married woman I would feel a tad uncomfortable about it.

NadaC Thu 17-Aug-17 15:38:30

Why not thank him for the good read and mention your concern to him that this may be too explicit coming from him to her at her age and that you were wondering if the whole idea of him lending her this book may be misinterpreted? You may encourage him to propose lending her another book. Even if he didn't mean to be explicit this time, he would be aware that this makes you uncomfortable and would think twice about lendibg her such explicit material next time around...

fluttERBY123 Thu 17-Aug-17 15:19:16

This scenario would make me feel v uncomfortable. It's not a matter of if/what - you DO feel uncomfortable, so pretend either a) it's not from him but say steamy when you give it to her or b) just don't give it. Tell OH what you have done in either case and explain why.

henetha Thu 17-Aug-17 15:13:54

I can't see anything wrong with this as she is 24. If she was 14 it would be a different matter. She is an adult.

Norah Thu 17-Aug-17 14:59:12

The reviews place the book on my list to purchase. But I doubt I will share with my daughters or their husbands. smile

Norah Thu 17-Aug-17 14:50:47

Please trust yourself, I find life better if I follow my instincts.