Would I see my first grandchild if my son won't?

You seem to have a good relationship with the girl and it seems that having this conversation with her is the best start. Try to keep in fairly regular friendly contact with her and make her aware that you want to be a grandmother. She will need guidance and as long as it can be done in the right way you may be the best person to give it. I think if you talk positively about the birth and say that you are looking forward to getting to know the child it might make her look at the situation positively. So much depends on the personalities involved.
I don't think that you should pay out too much without getting an agreement of some kind about access even if it is informal. Generally it is wrong to tie access and financial support together but when you have no legal obligation to give financially and it may be better for the child if you keep in contact with it, the ends may justify the means.
Grandparents do have legal rights to contact with grandchildren although they can be expensive to enforce and relying on legality is not the best way to foster good relations.
You also have to think about whether it is better for your son for you to effectively meet his responsibilities. It is one of those questions that doesn't really have a right or wrong answer, you just have to do what you think is best for everyone.

My friend had a similar situation, her son was on drugs and out of work, suicidal at times, she was in a state herself with worry. The girl friend said she was pregnant and the baby was his. He wanted nothing to do with it, then came round and began to look forward to the birth, with his mother's support. The baby was born, and girl friend then admitted it might not be his. A paternity test revealed it wasn't. It broke both of them. I too would plead for a paternity test before you commit yourselves to years of anguish worrying about a baby that may have no blood ties to you.

Norose, I was very interested in your comment that grandparents now have some rights of access but it’s news to me – maybe you know something I don’t! I run a support group for non-contact grandparents in Worcestershire, and as far as I am aware, grandparents still have no legal rights of contact with grandchildren whatsoever. Often the paternal grandparents are the ones who suffer most, as the mother can deny contact to the father, and the grandparents are vulnerable to all kinds of bullying and blackmail. Unfortunately there is NO national organisation representing us, Grandparents Plus in recent years having changed their emphasis to supporting grandparents who are having to bring up their grandchildren. However, there are a number of local groups, notably Jane Jackson’s Bristol Grandparents Support group, who have a website which includes details of what’s available in your area, and Jimmy Deuchars’ Grandparents Apart group in Scotland. Hopefully there will be an national online petition on this subject within the next few months – watch this space.

I think this girl is getting an unfair reputation by some posters here
I didn't read that this girl was unfaithful to the op son.
The situation is not ideal for any of you. It doesn't mean it is hopeless. Your son may need a kick up the backside to sort himself out.. that still may not make him the father the child needs if his heart isn't in it.
If you want a relationship with the child please make this known. Offering support and caring might be just what this girl needs. It may pave the way for a wonderful relationship between the two of you and forge a strong bond with your grandchild with or without your son. It can work like that, it has done for a friend of mine whose son has shown zero interest in his son but she has a fantastic relationship as this little boys nana.
Good luck ?

What a heartbreaking situation. Whether you choose to or able to financially support the child is entirely up to you and your personal circumstances. If however you really believe the child is your son's child then the child is your grandchild and played no role in the tangles of its conception and birth. In the midst of all this is a vulnerable little child who will need all the love and support he or she can get to grow up in this world. Regardless of all the rights and wrongs in this complex situation there is a child who needs you to be on his/her side in whatever way you can be.

The fact that her mom had her young means nothing. She will show her more compassion and understand her alot more as she has been where she is. She wont judge her or look down on her. Especially if she was a single mom too. She will understand the struggle her daugher is about to endure on her own while the 'dad' is having a 'difficult time.'

You have no right asking for a DNA test if your son wants nothing to do with the baby. You know absolutely nothing about the girl, her family or her upbringing and the fact you are judging her is really horrible especially when your son is acting the way he is. She has had to put her big girl pants on and get on with it.

I have no sympathy for that girl, woman, if she is having sex. My own son in similar position at ninteen. She got pregnant, lost baby at seven weeks, and then proceeded to get pregnant again two months later! He tried very hard to make the relationship work and loves his daughter, now nearly two, but X is a nut job and it's impossible to deal with her. Now, we don't get to see the baby; it's a disgrace! Don't part with any money; she will use you. I am talking from experience.

This is a sad situation Idris for you all and I wish you well. I have seen this scenario, particularly the effect of weed addiction and the ex girlfriend's accidental pregnancy. I don't blame anyone, knowing all too well how these things happen.

I fear though that you just have to wait and see. Babies change situations for better or worse. Money will matter and may lead to willingness to confirm paternity. The new boyfriend may well not last once the baby is in the picture. Your son and the girl may have a change of heart if so.

If it was me in your position I would want to be an involved gran and keeping on good terms with the girl is perhaps all you can do at this stage. I wish there was an easy way to get your son off the pot but I know how impossible that is if they don't want to be helped.

With every good wish ?

My son's wife had a child 6 years before she met him. The father turned out to be useless and HIS parents disowned him. Happily, they had, and continue to have, a relationship with their granddaughter. She now has 3 sets of grandparents and two siblings. Her father has never been in contact with her and she is now twelve

It might be better to buy things for the baby rather than hand over cash and maybe set up a bank account in the baby's name for its future. I hope the girl is friendly towards you as that will make it easier to be involved.

Hello Idris, your post resonates so strongly with me as I was a in a very similar situation just over 3 1/2 years ago. My
DS 's girlfriend of 4 months got pregnant. My son was desperate to persuade her to have an abortion As he was too young to be a dad and his dad ( my ex even offered to pay if necessary which made her want to keep the baby even more!) At the same time my DD was also pregnant but in a stable relationship and I found it impossible to differentiate my feelings as to me both babies would be my grandchildren. It was an awful time and I told my son that he didn't have to have anything to do with the baby if he didn't want to ( he doesn't respond well to pressure of any sort.) however I told him that to wait and see and that I would be involved not just financially as I just couldn't imagine having a grandchild I didn't have any contact with. So I went to her house and met her and her mum and it was difficult but I explained what I would like to do if that was OK. To cut a long story short my DS didn't have any contact with me (he was angry) or the girl for about 6 months . I will never forget him arriving at the Indian restaurant where I was eating, shoving his crash helmet on the table and telling me all about the birth of his son! He was there! 3 years on it is still a bit rocky at times but my DGS is so beautiful looks like his dad and comes to stay lots . I will never regret what I did you just have to hold on in there and watch and wait, you never know what will happen. There will probably be difficult times ahead too but it will be worth it.

What a horrible situation for you. I hate to sound cynical but I'd advise being on hand to help with baby BUT don't help financially. That responsibility lies with your son, not you and you may find yourself being taken for a ride.
It was foolish of him not to use contraception but what's done is done.

What a horrible situation for you. I hate to sound cynical but I'd advise being on hand to help with baby BUT don't help financially. That responsibility lies with your son, not you and you may find yourself being taken for a ride.
It was foolish of him not to use contraception but what's done is done.

What a horrible situation for you. I hate to sound cynical but I'd advise being on hand to help with baby BUT don't help financially. That responsibility lies with your son, not you and you may find yourself being taken for a ride.
It was foolish of him not to use contraception but what's done is done.

I think a DNA is essential. I would also advise against giving cash, but buy practical things yourself to help. I agree that your son must be left to make his own decision, but make your involvement with your grandchild clear with your son, and that in itself will give him food for thought. If he wants contact with the baby, he will need to be free of drugs. I had to deal with a young man who smoked dope and fell asleep in a stupor smothering his own baby. He will never forgive himself. Also, my grandson has an absent father and he even told his parents that if they see the little boy, they won't ever see him. Luckily they sided with my innocent little grandson and he loves them dearly.

Depends what is best for baby really. If her new partner wants to take on role of dad and just get on with it as if child is his own, your intervention might upset that.

She doesn't seem very stable from what you say and her own parenting pattern and her families might be very different from your own.

Your son will have to establish his part in all this, if he wants an ongoing role in their lives, with a parental responsibility order or similar. Sadly a DNA test might be useful.

There are no guarantees that even with court orders, fathers can maintain contact with their children, the system is not fit for purpose.

Before you jump in with offers of financial assistance make sure whatever you do isn't wasted by new partner in her life. Even if you just buy goods for the baby you can't tell if they will be used of sold.

I am sorry your son has turned to drugs, that is a very slippery path, as I know only too well from one of my own boys. You might do better to concentrate on him for the time being and see what happens when baby is born. So much of this is out of your hands.

Of course you can be a gran and it's even more valuable to the child that his father's family is involved if his father isn't going to be. Also your relationship with the mother can be a bridge for your son to see his child if he wants to do so later on - after all if the child is in your house, maybe you're having him for a day, and your son drops by then they will have a relationship even if it's only informal.

Rows with ds obviously aren't getting you anywhere. Imo, you need to step back and let him make his own decision. At 19 - push too hard one way and he might deliberately go the other.

If he decides to do the right thing and be part of this child's life, then, hopefully, he'll make room for your involvement. If he decides he wants no part, then gf MIGHT grant you visitation, but, I'm afraid not necessarily.

Imo, you need to be patient, see how things go. Best wishes!

I see you've spoken to this young woman and said you'll support her financially, and I presume, through her pregnancy and those hard first few months, emotionally and practically too. There is also the situation of the new boy-friend in the stepfather role.

All you can do is keep in touch, offer support and see what develops. Forget your son, it's the mother and baby who matter now.

I agree, people calling the young girls mum, numerous stepfathers bad upbringing! How do people know and why do they judge? and that stoner needs to get a job the idle get, just saying.

Hi Idris77, I can't tell you what to do, but if I was in your situation I would really want to be involved in the baby's life, regardless of the father's decision. The way I see it, the more people in the child's life who really love him/her and want to help long term, the better the outcome for the child.
The thing is not to fall out with the mum! Don't overwhelm her with fussing but go and see her, say you want to be involved, offer help, leave contact details , and see what happens. She might be a really nice girl, just scatty and chaotic,maybe there are good reasons for this. She might be grateful and surprised that you want to help her. I hope it works out well and also your son gets his life together. Children are worrying things aren't they! Good luck

Idris77 you, your son, his ex girl friend and the expected child have all my sympathy. It isn't going to be easy for any of you. You need to decide exactly what sort of support you are willing to offer. I suspect child minding and baby sitting will always be welcome. I don't think you should hand money over unless it is essential. I would go for providing things that might be needed, like a buggy or later a bike. You could also open a bank account for money to go to the child eventually.
There is of course the possibility that the child may not be your sons and you could question the paternity, but that might not help, easier to accept the child as your GC. Good luck hope all goes well.

I think it us totally out of your hands and its going to be down to the girl if she wants you involved or not, harsh though that may seem. I just hope it works out for the best for all concerned. Hugs xx

You can't simply ask the girl to agree to a paternity test ( well, you can if you don't want to ever see your new grandchild.) A difficult situation, as by law your son is responsible regarding maintenance if he is ever to be a part time Father, does the girl agree to this? You say that her Mother had her at16 and had lots of boyfriends, so she has never had a good role model, therefore doesn't want to work.Not a great scenario. She may end up having other babies with other men and living on benefits.
Are you prepared to be asked for money regularly by her until the child is 18?
If your son doesn't want to know his own child, it's a sad situation ( for the child) but if she is with somebody else now, the baby will be growing up with perhaps all sorts of men in it's life, everybody bar it's own Father.
The question is, do you want to be an involved Grandma?
Will you always be allowed to be involved ( or only as it suits the young Mother) will she move away with a new boyfriend? It's a real dilemma and you can probably only take one day at a time with it.My own feeling is although your son is young, he is not so young that he couldn't create a little life, and that little life deserves it's own Father, we all need to know our own parents.Good luck with it all.

This poor girl has been ripped apart and its really upsetting.

She has been accused of cheating, her past abortions (if they even happened, the fact he's told you is shocking, you dont know if they are for medical reasons or how old she was.) The fact she liked to party and she had a new partner. Even her poor mom been judged!

Your son is set to become a father at 19. Hes not even sure he wants to see the baby. Hes smoking weed and has lost his job. Hes not exactly sounding like a dream.

Meanwhile a 19 year old girl is set to do it all on her own. Shes had morning sickness, scans, hospital apps and a crap ton of stuff to buy on her own and presumably her parents have helped too. Her life has been turned upside down.
And you want to ask her for a DNA test? She has absolutely nothing to prove! Your son needs a good shake.