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Would I see my first grandchild if my son won't?

(62 Posts)
Idris77 Mon 21-Aug-17 09:33:26

My youngest son (19) who lives with me, split up with his first serious girlfriend (19) of 6 months. A week later she came over to announce her pregnancy. She has had two previous terminations with ex boyfriends, and my son felt very strongly that he did not want to be a father at his age, and due to difficulties with her lack of accommodation and having no employment, she shouldn't continue with the pregnancy. Shes decided to keep it, and got a new boyfriend a couple of weeks later.

My son has fallen to pieces over the situation, tried to get back with her but she's moved on, he's now thrown himself into his pot habit and lost his job. He's wavering between not seeing the baby (due in a few of months, and assuming she will let him), and being a part time dad. Hopefully one that is clean and in work!

My dilemma is what my role should be. I liked the girl, despite her troubled past and reluctance to work, and have said that whatever my sons role in the baby's future, our family will support it financially. If he wants nothing to do with his child, if the mother is willing, can I be an involved Gran?

MargaretX Mon 21-Aug-17 10:05:32

This is very difficult to answer. My first reaction was that the girl will welcome some financial support but a fatherhood test might be a good idea.
You will really have to be patient and try to support your son who is coping with a situation beyond him at the moment. Then you have to follow him what he does. If its his child and the baby is there then you can go along and be Gran but if he declines anything to do with the child then you can't do anything - except pay out.

What about the girl's parents? Would you be able to meet up with them and discuss it, or is it impossible at the moment.

BlueBelle Mon 21-Aug-17 10:15:02

I really don't want this to sound harsh but at 19 why wasn't he using protection you really can't rely on a girl who has already had two terminations by the age of 19 to be the responsible one I hope you have a good heart to heart about the necessity of condoms for infection as well as pregnancy for any future girlfriends
But the deed is done I would also think a paternity test is needed then you will have to support in whatever way they want or need taking your lead from you son
Get him some help for the weed too if you can

norose4 Mon 21-Aug-17 10:19:27

I do believe grandparents have some rights of access now. Citizens advice will be able to tell you & also offer practical help .good luck. It's won't be easy but he needs to get off the drugs , there is also help available for that plus a big kick up the bottom from a lovely caring Mum

Bibbity Mon 21-Aug-17 10:39:15

As you have no prior relationship with the baby any contact will be at the discretion of the mother unless your son and I was your contact on his parenting time. Your best bet to have any relationship is to tell your son to grow up and take responsibility for his actions.

glammanana Mon 21-Aug-17 11:00:13

Its so sad reading about children having children and the mess they leave in the wake of things,your son needs to find the courage to talk to his x about the situation in a calm manner let her know the support is available from your side if she needs it,my elsest son has always supported his DD and she has always been a part of our lives its been difficult over the years but she is a well grounded lovely girl with support from both sides of her family so it is possible for things to work out amicabily

MissAdventure Mon 21-Aug-17 11:11:16

I'm sure if you are quietly supportive, and offer help when needed, then its possible.
I have a friend in the same situation as you, and she sees her little granddaughter.

Idris77 Mon 21-Aug-17 11:23:09

Thanks for your feedback.

Hes the youngest of my three sons, and please believe me, I explained to all of them in excruciating detail all about ovulation, menstrual cycles, conception, contraception.....the absolute works. I even offered to take him to the family planning clinic to get condoms but was soundly rebuffed with his affronted retort of "Ive got this, alright!?!' They both liked to party hard, and obviously knew it all.

We have had some blazing rows, and tearful sobbing talks at 3am about this.

Ive advised him to accept the situation (prospect of multiple step dads/access difficulty/situation out of his control) for the benefit of his child. And for him to GROW UP and become a Dad this child can be proud of (unlike my ex husband who walked out 15 years ago and never looked back)

And regarding her family, Ive never met them. Her mum had her at 16 and shes had mutiple step fathers...

Elrel Mon 21-Aug-17 13:13:09

My thought is that you should make sure both of your grandchild's parents know that you will be there for support when needed. You never know how things will work out.
It is possible that the baby will provide the wake up call for one or both that they so badly need. It does sometimes happen that the responsibility of a helpless oblivious child brings the parents to change their ways.
I hope it all works out for you, the teenagers and, above all, for the baby.

ALT57 Mon 21-Aug-17 17:02:28

Newbie here hope you don't mind my saying but are you sure the baby is you sons? This girl seems to have gone very quickly into the next relationship.

BlueBelle Mon 21-Aug-17 17:37:05

Poor you Idris you sound as if you ve done what you can but I agree with the last poster have a DNA done in case you end up paying for someone else's child

Luckygirl Mon 21-Aug-17 17:49:43

Definitely a paternity test.

This young lady seems to be caught up in a sorry cycle - problem Mums bringing up problem children and so on ad infinitum. This poor child is going to need all the support it can get from all family and friends, and if the child proves to be his, them hopefully you can have some role to play.

Can you get your son off to the local drug service? - will he play ball with that?

I do feel for you - it is tough when our children let us down despite our best efforts.

RedheadedMommy Mon 21-Aug-17 17:50:00

This poor girl has been ripped apart and its really upsetting.

She has been accused of cheating, her past abortions (if they even happened, the fact he's told you is shocking, you dont know if they are for medical reasons or how old she was.) The fact she liked to party and she had a new partner. Even her poor mom been judged!

Your son is set to become a father at 19. Hes not even sure he wants to see the baby. Hes smoking weed and has lost his job. Hes not exactly sounding like a dream.

Meanwhile a 19 year old girl is set to do it all on her own. Shes had morning sickness, scans, hospital apps and a crap ton of stuff to buy on her own and presumably her parents have helped too. Her life has been turned upside down.
And you want to ask her for a DNA test? She has absolutely nothing to prove! Your son needs a good shake.

lemongrove Mon 21-Aug-17 17:54:34

You can't simply ask the girl to agree to a paternity test ( well, you can if you don't want to ever see your new grandchild.) A difficult situation, as by law your son is responsible regarding maintenance if he is ever to be a part time Father, does the girl agree to this? You say that her Mother had her at16 and had lots of boyfriends, so she has never had a good role model, therefore doesn't want to work.Not a great scenario. She may end up having other babies with other men and living on benefits.
Are you prepared to be asked for money regularly by her until the child is 18?
If your son doesn't want to know his own child, it's a sad situation ( for the child) but if she is with somebody else now, the baby will be growing up with perhaps all sorts of men in it's life, everybody bar it's own Father.
The question is, do you want to be an involved Grandma?
Will you always be allowed to be involved ( or only as it suits the young Mother) will she move away with a new boyfriend? It's a real dilemma and you can probably only take one day at a time with it.My own feeling is although your son is young, he is not so young that he couldn't create a little life, and that little life deserves it's own Father, we all need to know our own parents.Good luck with it

Smithy Mon 21-Aug-17 18:20:58

I think it us totally out of your hands and its going to be down to the girl if she wants you involved or not, harsh though that may seem. I just hope it works out for the best for all concerned. Hugs xx

trisher Mon 21-Aug-17 19:06:07

Idris77 you, your son, his ex girl friend and the expected child have all my sympathy. It isn't going to be easy for any of you. You need to decide exactly what sort of support you are willing to offer. I suspect child minding and baby sitting will always be welcome. I don't think you should hand money over unless it is essential. I would go for providing things that might be needed, like a buggy or later a bike. You could also open a bank account for money to go to the child eventually.
There is of course the possibility that the child may not be your sons and you could question the paternity, but that might not help, easier to accept the child as your GC. Good luck hope all goes well.

Rachel711 Mon 21-Aug-17 21:23:26

Hi Idris77, I can't tell you what to do, but if I was in your situation I would really want to be involved in the baby's life, regardless of the father's decision. The way I see it, the more people in the child's life who really love him/her and want to help long term, the better the outcome for the child.
The thing is not to fall out with the mum! Don't overwhelm her with fussing but go and see her, say you want to be involved, offer help, leave contact details , and see what happens. She might be a really nice girl, just scatty and chaotic,maybe there are good reasons for this. She might be grateful and surprised that you want to help her. I hope it works out well and also your son gets his life together. Children are worrying things aren't they! Good luck

mizzmelli Tue 22-Aug-17 04:54:22

I agree, people calling the young girls mum, numerous stepfathers bad upbringing! How do people know and why do they judge? and that stoner needs to get a job the idle get, just saying.

Anya Tue 22-Aug-17 06:45:31

I see you've spoken to this young woman and said you'll support her financially, and I presume, through her pregnancy and those hard first few months, emotionally and practically too. There is also the situation of the new boy-friend in the stepfather role.

All you can do is keep in touch, offer support and see what develops. Forget your son, it's the mother and baby who matter now.

Starlady Tue 22-Aug-17 07:15:05

Rows with ds obviously aren't getting you anywhere. Imo, you need to step back and let him make his own decision. At 19 - push too hard one way and he might deliberately go the other.

If he decides to do the right thing and be part of this child's life, then, hopefully, he'll make room for your involvement. If he decides he wants no part, then gf MIGHT grant you visitation, but, I'm afraid not necessarily.

Imo, you need to be patient, see how things go. Best wishes!

IngeJones Tue 22-Aug-17 09:44:27

Of course you can be a gran and it's even more valuable to the child that his father's family is involved if his father isn't going to be. Also your relationship with the mother can be a bridge for your son to see his child if he wants to do so later on - after all if the child is in your house, maybe you're having him for a day, and your son drops by then they will have a relationship even if it's only informal.

radicalnan Tue 22-Aug-17 09:55:52

Depends what is best for baby really. If her new partner wants to take on role of dad and just get on with it as if child is his own, your intervention might upset that.

She doesn't seem very stable from what you say and her own parenting pattern and her families might be very different from your own.

Your son will have to establish his part in all this, if he wants an ongoing role in their lives, with a parental responsibility order or similar. Sadly a DNA test might be useful.

There are no guarantees that even with court orders, fathers can maintain contact with their children, the system is not fit for purpose.

Before you jump in with offers of financial assistance make sure whatever you do isn't wasted by new partner in her life. Even if you just buy goods for the baby you can't tell if they will be used of sold.

I am sorry your son has turned to drugs, that is a very slippery path, as I know only too well from one of my own boys. You might do better to concentrate on him for the time being and see what happens when baby is born. So much of this is out of your hands.

Coconut Tue 22-Aug-17 10:02:37

I think a DNA is essential. I would also advise against giving cash, but buy practical things yourself to help. I agree that your son must be left to make his own decision, but make your involvement with your grandchild clear with your son, and that in itself will give him food for thought. If he wants contact with the baby, he will need to be free of drugs. I had to deal with a young man who smoked dope and fell asleep in a stupor smothering his own baby. He will never forgive himself. Also, my grandson has an absent father and he even told his parents that if they see the little boy, they won't ever see him. Luckily they sided with my innocent little grandson and he loves them dearly.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Tue 22-Aug-17 10:07:02

What a horrible situation for you. I hate to sound cynical but I'd advise being on hand to help with baby BUT don't help financially. That responsibility lies with your son, not you and you may find yourself being taken for a ride.
It was foolish of him not to use contraception but what's done is done.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Tue 22-Aug-17 10:07:03

What a horrible situation for you. I hate to sound cynical but I'd advise being on hand to help with baby BUT don't help financially. That responsibility lies with your son, not you and you may find yourself being taken for a ride.
It was foolish of him not to use contraception but what's done is done.