Would I see my first grandchild if my son won't?

I'm glad you didn't ask her for a DNA test. That's between her and ds. However, to be realistic, since she moved on with a new bf so quickly, a DNA test seems very much in order. I hope ds decides to get one.

I'm NOT suggesting you advise him to do so. He's likely to repeat that to exgf, and then she may get angry at you. I'm glad to see you're not touching that issue. It's something he'll have to come up with on his own.

But DNA tests are expensive aren't they? If he brings it up, will/can you offer to pay for it? As I said, he needs to know you're there for him, too.

Also, if he ends up being a "part time dad," will you help him out with childcare, etc? If you will, have you let him know this? I don't mean do it all for him while he goes running around with friends and smoking cannabis. I just mean "help out" and maybe babysit one evening if he has gs for a weekend, etc. The idea of having to parent a child may be very frightening to him right now - just as much as having to help support him. Here again, he may need to know you're in his corner. I DON'T mean that you should push him to be involved with this child, and I don't get the impression that you're doing that. I'm just talking about IF he ends up being part of gs' live.

I agree with the idea of "erring on the positive side." You have a beautiful attitude, Idris, and I agree, also, that this baby will be lucky to have you. Even if it turns out, eventually, that he isn't your bio gc, every child deserves to be loved and welcomed, imo, by as many hearts as possible.

Have you told ds that you plan to help out financially? At 19, I can see where the idea of having to support this child may be very scary to him. He was ridiculous to expect you to convince exgf to terminate. But that reaction may have come out of fear. He's obviously torn and confused over how much he wants to be in this baby's life and whether xgf and new bf will let him. While it's wonderful that you're ready to be there for exgf and gs, imo, ds needs some emotional support, as well.

Does ds know that you contacted exgf after he asked you not to? If so, he may feel hurt and disrespected, but I don't blame you for contacting her since that is very likely your gs that she's carrying.

Or is it possible that she asked him to tell you not to contact her? Maybe right now she's too busy figuring everything out with ds and her new bf to have to think about if/how she will fit anyone else into baby's life? Sorry to say, but the fact that she's not responding tells me she doesn't want contact with you right now, whether that request came from her or not.

Again, I'm glad you texted her to let her know you would knit something for baby and, especially, that she can contact you, etc. Very wise, imo, to leave the door open. Chances are, she will turn to you in time.

But now I hope you back off until she reaches out to you (if she does) or until baby is born. You're "leaving the light on" and I'm sure she appreciates it. Now please give her the space she so clearly would like. I'm sure she'll appreciate that, too.

Here's hoping all works out for the best!

Bit of a mess Idris77 and I only say that as a baby is involved.

The good news is that you got on with her and so a good relationship can follow.

Maybe communicate with her about how you would like to be a part of the baby's life and if that sits ok with her.

Hopefully she agrees. Other than that your son can go for visiting rights.

At least you have a lovely grandchild to look forward to and going by your caring post, that baby is going to be lucky to have such a caring grandparent

I think when things aren't clear and are so deeply important always risk erring on the positive side. I feel for the girl because I am female and so are you and we must stick together plus if you help her, financially as it seems that is what she will need most, then the chances of you having a relationship with the baby is good. What goes round comes round. Your heart is in a good place stick with it. Play it by ear, things will change. Good luck and big hug

Idris. You sound awesome.

'I felt genuinely sorry for her, and when I drove her home later I said that regardless of my sons involvement in the future, she would have my support either way. He blames me for not persuading her to terminate it!! '

If you got on well before the pregnancy that is a huge plus. She knows how you feel and that you are willing to help support her. She might feel abit weird that your son wants nothing to do with the baby but the nan does? Its a unique relationship, id give it time.

It does sound like your doing all the right things. Good luck, you sound like you'd be a lovley nan.

Sounds to me you are doing all the right things Idris.

For clarity, I know my sons ex has had two terminations in the past because she talked about them, and also her fraught relationship with her mother, her anxiety issues, and her difficulties with drink and cannabis. We did get on well.

When she announced her pregnancy, to my sons horror I didn't jump to support his position and insist she have an abortion. I instead advised her to think very carefully about about the hard practicalities of being a single Mum with poor family support, lack of housing, no employment, no savings, £5k debt (rent arrears), and how she would manage.

I felt genuinely sorry for her, and when I drove her home later I said that regardless of my sons involvement in the future, she would have my support either way. He blames me for not persuading her to terminate it!!

I plan to set up a savings account for the baby to access when he is 18, and was thinking of Mothercare/Tesco vouchers rather than cash each month. And I anticipate a DNA test will occur one way or another in the future.

I haven't heard from her since although my son has spoken to her a few times. He has told me not to contact her.

Last night I sent her a text saying I was delighted to hear from him that she is having a boy, that I would knit him something lovely, and not to hesitate to contact me if she needed anything. She didn't respond.

Ive also told my son that he has a month to get over his three year cannabis habit and get a job, or he will have to move out. Ive offered to send him for counselling (declined), so have made it clear that if he's not willing to grow up and make positive changes, then its time for some tough love.

illtellhim women have always used abortion. The difference is that if you were poor you had a back-street abortion with all its risks to the woman's life. Rich women just went into private clinics and paid. Ask nurses about the cases they saw in hospitals of girls who had botched abortions and be grateful that women now have equal and safe access to abortion services.

It might not be.
It might of been for medical reasons.
She might of been pressured or felt pressured by her ex boyfriends and got the abortion.
Only this time round, shes not going to be pressured and has decided to keep the baby.
Or, they never happened in the first place.

Its such a complex situation, no one knows the truth, so to judge the girl on what the OP knowz from her son, is rubbish.

What I find worrying is the fact that abortion is now considered an acceptably form of birth control, but I'm just old and I must expect life to move on.

Womble54 sorry for delay just read your post, you do have to go through the courts to prove you have the child's best interest at heart etc but can then be granted access / visiting rights etc .

It might be a good idea to start contact with the young lady now . She needs to feel that you are concerned and caring about her during her pregnancy and the birth, otherwise she will feel that you are just after the baby. The path to your grandchild is always going to be through the mother. Start now with perhaps a few cards posted to her. Send flowers through the post. These actions are the initial steps. Make her the focus of your attention and the relationship will then be in place before the birth and you cannot be accused of just having interest in the baby and not bothering with her. Above all treat her with respect even though you may feel it is not due. Treat as you would any welcome daughter in law. Your son has to make his own decisions about his relationship with her and the baby and you make yours separately . Obviously support your son but he is unfair to you if he thinks you will sacrifice a grandchild just because he has opted out. You may be the bridge that he will be grateful for if he wants to see the child in the future.

Similar situation in my extended family over twenty years ago. My cousin said at the time that he couldn't have a grand child out there and not take responsibility so he supported the child in various ways, his son (the child's father )dipping in and out, but better as he got older. Twenty years later she (the child) is very much one of the family and lived with her grandparents for a while when she was at Uni.

If you do decide to support your grandchild financially, I would suggest you do so in the form of buying things directly for the baby's needs otherwise it may be spend on drugs! Never give cash.

As the baby is due in a few months, does this mean she has been with the new boyfriend for a few months? You will have to see how this relationship works out and whose name as father is on the birth certificate if any. If it is working well sad to say it would be better to leave well alone and let them parent the child.

If she splits with the new boyfriends she may come back to your son especially as you have offered support. You don't want to push your son into a relationship with someone who doesn't seem to have his best interest at heart because you are offering support. It is up to your son and her to look after their child.

If she claims benifits naming your son as the father then would be a good time to ask for a DNA test and this is done frquently.

Stand back, see what happens.

If you are sure this is your grandchild offer help when needed even if your son is not involved.

I agree with what everyone is saying seeing both sides but your offering monetary support could influence what happens and you could be accused of interfering in the future,

I have not been on here very long. I'm a 50 year old nanna with number 8 GC on the way . If you want my HO. You can help your grandchild in the way of nappys or clothing . Not money. It seems harsh but at least we know they have the essentials then. Before any responsibility is taken by your son, a DNA test is a must. Hope it all pans out for you xx

Idriss77 Any child born from a relationship your son has with a woman will be your grandchild.
It will be up to the mother of your sons child, in view of the circumstances, whether she wants you to be part of the child's life. Keep in touch with her if that is what she wants regardless of what your son says however be very wary should any financial help be mentioned. Child support is a fathers responsibility

I'm with Trisher. Good luck.

Hi Idris 77 - ever watch Long Lost Families and see how in later life people who have been separated for one reason or another from their biological parents/siblings want to connect? This seems to be an increasing wish and it always helps if the adult child learns the circumstances and that they prevented the mum/dad from keeping in touch. If you back away at this stage you risk losing the respect of your unborn GC - the least you can do is to acknowledge that little baby when it arrives, and be there to provide whatever support you can. I don't advise giving money for the reasons offered by other contributors, but you can be prepared to babysit, buy baby toiletries, give the mum moral support. She obviously has no role model to follow and has been socialised into a world where children don't expect to have stability in their 'dad' situation. Indeed, the current boyfriend may also no last for long. You have some difficult circumstances to deal with, it sounds as though your son is not helpless - he has chosen to smoke pot and he can just as easily choose not to do so - it's not as though he's a heroine addict - so for the moment I would leave him be and concentrate on the mess he has left - if the child is your biological GC and you may easily tell that after its birth then your relationship with it is not conditional upon your relationship with your son. I wouldn't ask the mum to take a DNA test during the pregnancy - I think that will only get her back up, so let her know you firmly believe this unborn child is your GC. Offer support in that light.

I feel for you having been in a similar situation 18 years ago. My son had a short relationship with the girl, they'd split up by the time she was 4 months pregnant. We were supportive of them and saw our grandson at least once a month. When the boy was 2, my son moved for work and she became angry and refused him access. He hasn't seen his son since. It was made extremely difficult for us to have any access but we persisted until he was 6 when contact was stopped because there was a new man on the scene and because, having retired, money was tight and we were unable to be quite so generous financially. Looking back I can see that we were taken advantage of big time. Grandson is now 18 and will hopefully decide to contact his family of his own accord.
I wish you all good luck and hope you have a much better experience than we did.

What is it with young people and their inability to use some form of contraception ? I'm 73 , when I was 19 there was only the diaphragm or condoms. Neither available to young unmarried women and lots of young inexperienced men were too embarrassed to get the latter . The pill wasn't widely available then, I didn't go on the pill until I was 22. If you got pregnant you usually gave your baby up for adoption . Unwed mothers had a difficult time of it. Abortions or morning after pills weren't available , the former only if the mother's health was in danger . Of course there were back street abortions but very dangerous . So all that is available to young people and they get pregnant in droves. Laziness, stupidity, ignorant of the facts , simply don't care. All the above I think. Meanwhile the public get to pay out of their taxes.

I assume this child is not born yet. There is no alternative to getting a paternity test ASAP when the child is born before parting with any money.

Your son has "now thrown himself into his pot habit and lost his job" That phrase suggests to me he already has substance abuse issues.
From what you have said about this girl you could be walking into a lot more heartache.
I suspect that if the child turns out to be your sons, the situation will get more complicated. If the childs mother decides she wants the child the mother would probably get the first look in.

Having briefly heard the history you could be in for a lot of stress over contact etc. All I can say is these situations can be decidedly complicated .
Good Luck

I can't understand how Idriss 77 a grandmother full of so many good intentions towards her forthcoming grandchild especially offering financial assistance could be seen as "intervening", and has to wait and see if a new boyfriend will be alright with her on the scene as he might be upset. Why would that be a reason for a child not to know it's grandmother who just want to help the situation.

What a sad and sorry situation for you all - and what a decent woman you must be to want to support this baby. I almost hesitate to say this but would it be a good idea, as has already been suggested, to have a DNA test? Given the girl's past history, can your son be sure he is the father and that it isn't the new man in her life? I do hope this heart wrenching situation works out to a reasonable state for you all.

It takes 2 to tango so both parties have to take the blame for their actions and step up to the mark. It is up to the mother of the baby who she lets see the baby in the first instance although your son could go to court to ask for access if he wants to build a relationship with his child. As for you having access, can you build a relationship with the mother before she has the baby without judging her for her previous actions? As a person who had 3 fathers (none of whom kept in touch after they'd left) and many uncles before the age of 8, I can assure you that the scars from that don't equip you to have settled relationships without a lot of help. After many chaotic relationships it took my current husband of 24 years to help me through the hurdles of going from all consuming love/lust to a proper, adult relationship. Hopefully, this girl may have found that someone but somehow I doubt it. It would have greatly helped me to have a stable person in my life to gently counsel me, without judgement, with the effects of my behaviour/relationships on my child. Maybe in the long run you could be the stable influence she never had and that could be a great help for the child.