AIBU to expect DH to spend less time with his mum

I think it would be reasonable to discuss anything that had changed, be that his attitude to his mum, living in France, retirement plans, etc.

I feel there's been a lot of doubt cast because OP's husband left UKwhen she was 91. Maybe she was well then - it is always a shock when our parents deteriorate, it doesn't matter what age they are, his attitude could easily have changed in those 4 years.

Hi Welshwife, that would have been a great solution but MiL had a council flat that had to be vacated when she went into a care home.
I'm in 47......it would be interesting to know how many GNs live in France.

Silver is your MIL 's flat still available or was it rented and given up etc? If it is available would it be possible for you bothe to stay there some of the time and split your time between there and France?

By the way where are you in France? We are in 24.

Good luck, Silverlining. Get your ducks all in a row - or at least your thoughts and the financial implications.

Thank you BlueBelle xx

Hope it all works out Silverlining always good to have other input however (bad) it is
Take care and good luck xx

A lot of people have commented on us leaving to move to France when my MiL was already 91. The assumption is that we were living near her and decided to move a long way away. We already lived some distance away and had considered various places in the Uk to retire to. In fact the journey from where we live in France to where she lives in SE England is easier, quicker and cheaper (by Ryanair) than many other places we considered in the UK. Also the decision was based on creating a holiday base for our children and grandchildren so we would see more of them. MiL was a consideration too, if course, and as she was in robust health we hoped she might come and stay with us. She was a generous spirited person and enthusiastic about our move.
However, tbh as a result of this posting and everyone's thoughful replies I realise that although I love living in France (and don't regret the move here) I wouldn't be feeling so anxious/aggrieved at being on my own if I was still living in the UK (language, dealing with accidents or illness etc). This has been an interesting realisation and I can give more thought to how to deal with the situation now.
Thanks again to everyone.

I wouldn't place too much faith it people having 'this long' or 'that long' left. Life often has different ideas on the score.

Maybe the reality of living in France hasn't met his expectations but he's ducking out of saying so.

There are plenty of people whose sons or daughters have emigrated. Parents of grown up children will be, if not already elderly, advancing towards old age. They will be in the same position at some point in time so I don't understand why this lady's age is pivotal to the discussion.

His mother hasn't been left entirely on her own as there is still family in the UK. I think it is good that her son is concerned for her wellbeing and has not landed the whole responsibility on those remaining in the UK (as I know some people do). However, I think to spend this amount of time away from his wife is excessive and unfair - unless she has the opportunity to go with him.

How would any of your Mothers feel if you swanned off to France when they were 91.

Yes we all want to look after our parents.
Yes most of you do and have done.

The point is , he left his Mother for France when she was 91.
So he is not like all of you who have and do care so much for their parents.
None of you with love for parents would move to France and leave would you ?

He committed to a new life where he could not look after her. Now he wants to move the goalposts and neglect his new life.

He risked his Mother feeling abandoned and not important , how must the poor woman have felt when he planned his new life and went off
. Maybe the upset and stress of her son leaving contributed to her downhill health.

Bit hypocritical to play the dutiful son now.

I also think that a lot of posts are mentioning his guilt when Mother dies.

Yes the OP and he have perhaps many years left. He committed to living these years in France with his wife when the Mother was 91.

91!

He was stating that his life came first when he went.

Now he is trying to shift his commitments and cut to half the time the choice he made to go full time.

OP has every right to expect him to live in France full time. He moved there so it is hardly out of order for her to expect him to stay there.

If his intention was to spend so much time at his Mothers bedside should she become ill then he should have stayed in the UK.
His wife would have had him in her life, he could have support from her and they would have shared their life with his Mother.
This however was not the choice made.

I hardly think they moved without discussing Mothers future and OP would not have gone had he stated he saw his future spending half his time in the UK with his Mother.

princesspamma

A marvelous job is being done for your PIL .
Perhaps the difference in the OP situation is that her husband has not seen the need to stay in UK and give

I would be sure that the OP would easily accept care of the mother had it been part of their life and built up to be more and more as time went on. Care that they would have happily shouldered together.

Her husband committed to the life in France. Possibly a bit shortsightedly, yes.

There isnt much of a case to be argued when Mother dies about OP forcing him to neglect his Mother.
He already did that by leaving her.

What does having DH (someday to the future) dependent have to do with helping with mum now? If one of the 2 partners became dependent everything would change, but that is not the current situation.

devongirl I disagree very strongly. My husband had no health problems. He was the most unlikely candidate for a stroke. He is now totally dependent on me. It can happen to anyone.

I agree with Skweek1; of course, anything can happent to anyone at any time, but it is unlikely that his mother is going to live for more than another 5 years, which is certainly not true of OP unless she has some major health problem now.

Skweek1: "... you, at 70, almost certainly, have the best part of 15-20 (years), if not longer."

The other view is that, in your 70s, anything could happen at any time (as it did to my husband and me).

I, too, cared for my mother long-distance for two years until her death at the age of 92. She was a widow for 25 years. I know what it's like when you have to balance the needs of multiple people including yourself and what you can cope with.

This couple needs to sort out their priorities. The OP is not being unreasonable.

I'm sorry - I feel you are being unreasonable - my mum with dementia was in a home and I was 200 miles each way away. I am an only and was seriously upset when we drove down for me to see her, to be told that my DDs had told the home that she didn't want to see me (a downright lie!) and she died months later with us not being able to say our final goodbyes. I still feel guilty and your DH would feel the same about his mum. Bear with him. Could you not arrange to visit and stay in a guest house on some of his visits? He'll be lucky to have his mum for more than a few years - you, at 70, almost certainly, have the best part of 15-20, if not longer. But you must clear the air and sort this out.

Of course we should care for and about our parents, if we still have them, but we cannot see into the future for ourselves.

My husband was a very fit and active man and we lived life to the full, but two years ago a stroke ended all that within minutes and I am now his carer. His altered personality and frequent bouts of depression are as difficult to cope with as his physical disabilities.

I thought it was quite interesting too, silver.
It came to me this morning. I think a lot of men struggle with retirement, and the need to be doing something.

MissAdventure I think you've made a very interesting point.

I don't think Silver is feeling too lucky Serkeen hence the original posting If someone is kind to one to the detriment another it's not that good is it ? He also married HER through sickness and health and she needs some of his time time too His mum could live to get the Queens telegram he needs to plan for his wife as well as his mum

My big question would be why doesn't he include you and suggest you go together at least every now and then (you said you like his mum) why is he almost shutting you out of that part of his life I think that is harsh on you whether it is just a wonderful loving son or a huge guilt complex surely he must know you're unhappy with the situation and would want to find a way to keep you both happy because it seems as if it's been going on a long time You ve lived in France four years but after the first year plus, he was over for three months sleeping on her floor and has been spending two or more weeks a month here ever since, so really the French dream only happened for a year and a half

He may just be unable to multi task and keep his conscience free but where's his conscience for you ? You need to talk and find out what's going on in his head

I do hope it works out it could be simple reasons and simple changes but you won't ever know if you don't brave it out and talk about it

Maybe your husband is finding it difficult to adapt to retirement, and feels that overseeing his mum is something productive to do
Good luck, I hope you can sort it out.

Pauline42 you sound exactly like me when I'm feeling fed up with the situation! That's what I say to DH.
I really don't think there is anyone else involved but Baggs you made an interesting point about him always being restless.
Grankind that is an interesting post. Coming over to live in France is an adventure for 2 people together but can be quite daunting on your own. Language and isolation are big factors.
DH is kind and affectionate when at home and we keep in constant contact when he's away. I do think he feels guilty about not looking after his mother and also guilty leaving all the responsibility to his sister who is also over 70. I know he struggles with the situation too. Serkeen you also reflect some of my thoughts
The mixture of posts seems to echo my original question....AIBU? Your answers have helped me focus more on all sides of the situation. Thank you all for your help.