Other people's parties

With me, it's a matter of whether or not it's an important occasion (wedding, etc) for someone I'm closed to, if I'll know many people there, and/or if I enjoy socializing with these people. I can enjoy a good party, but only if I'm comfortable there. If it's not an important event for a loved one or bff or I'm not going to have fun, then I just don't go anymore. When I was younger, I felt obliged to accept any party invitation I was available for (don't know why). But now, I feel life is shorter and I shouldn't spend my time at events that mean nothing to me or that I don't enjoy. So I understand your turning down invitations, Calypso.

Have you tried telling your friends you "don't do parties, anymore," period? They might not "understand," but it would only require one conversation (ok, maybe one argument). After that, if they still invite you and object when you decline, you can just say, "We've been over this. You know I don't do parties, anymore." Lather, rinse, repeat.

Worst I ever went to was at not very close friends we hardly saw any more, who lived a fair drive away. Dh was away, so I had to grit teeth and go alone.
Room was full of people I didn't know at all - hosts busy in the kitchen.
I made a valiant effort at small talk with one couple - it was near Christmas so relatively easy to make an effort - with bright glued on smile...
'Have you done your Christmas shopping yet?'
'Yes.'
'Are you going away for Christmas?'
'No.'
And so on - absolutely no 'throwing the ball back' - it was a bloody nightmare.
Thank heavens, after about an hour of similar efforts, ONE other person I knew showed up - but I'd been all ready to make an excuse and sod off home.

Rather older and wiser now, I would politely turn down an invitation to do like that anyway - that is, one where I'm pretty sure I'll know virtually nobody and it's likely to be hard work.

Margsus, I hope your party went well! I'm sure the vast majority of us in real life appreciate the effort a host puts in to trying to ensure their friends have a good time, and are pleased to be invited.

I am glad I am not alone here. I used to love parties, but not any more, we dont live in the UK and here parties are always sitting down ALL evening, making conversation with people who are totally self absorbed and are not in the slitest interested in anyone else, they are so boring I loathe having to go to anything like that, I enjoy my family or inviting a couple at a time home for a chat and a meal, but would rather just mingle instead of sitting in one place all evening.

I do think that it may depend on what you mean by 'parties' and maybe even what you mean by 'friends'.
Marnie - I am glad that you have found somewhere you can be supported.

I am not normally invited to 'show off' types of parties. The ones I go to are good friends or family. They often want my help with the food or the washing up.
When I give a party, if a friend can't come, I don't worry about it, but if someone told me they weren't coming because they didn't like parties, I might feel a bit let down.

Not sure if this is helpful but:

Make your host aware of any disability / problems, and if need be, then the invitation down gently by saying 'my hearing at the moment makes parties uncomfortable'

Offer to hand round food or be a helping hand for someone with a disability, small child etc.
Offer to make tea & coffee - often hosts are busy, and guests who are not drinking appreciate it. BTW I would certainly axe anyone who made non-drinker feel uncomfortable and 'spiking' is unforgiveable.
Help clear away, offer to help wash up.
No-one is in the slightest bit bothered about what you are wearing.
The 2 standbyes are 'have you come far' and 'how do you know host'. Both of these give opportunities for shared experiences to chat about.
And as Eleanor Roosevelt is supposed to have said 'no-one can make you feel inferior without your consent'

If that doesn't help, then turn down invitations, but don't expect people not to mind!

Ive hated parties all my life. Im very severe ill with a lot of chronic health probelms.Me and hubby , are isolated by this.
I had to take early retirment at 44.
And all people ever want to talk abt is "what do you do".I always felt because of my declinning health and situation like i was a freak.They go on and on abt their jobs careers full lives and i just didnt fit ib anywhere any more I felt the whole thing was tirture to me

The only party I ever enjoyed was a fancy dress party that I attended as Mr Grumpy and was encased in a large blue cardboard box. I recall dancing round the living room and having a fun time. I can chat to people on trains or buses, or when out walking the dog but social occasions terrify me. I know one is supposed to ask people about themselves but I get so nervous I just suffer from verbal diarrhea. One night, prior to that worst of all social occasion, the works do, I had a message from a Dr Who mad internet chum which said 'Brave heart, Tegan'. I say that to myself now at times of social terror. Mind you; can't remember the last time I went to a party.....

I have realised I like small groups, preferably one to one. Thought I might be odd as I know so many people who love being part of big gatherings, I feel out if things and lost in a crowd, just not for me.

Thankyou all so much for your replys they make me feel so much better to know it isn't just me , a lot of you lovely ladies just say exactly how I feel , what a lovely response

I enjoy parties as long as I know enough people. My problem is that I can't hear conversation against a background of noise, and because I don't drink I find the company of people who are getting steadily more drunk really quite cringe making, especially if they're women. Sexist I know but that's how I feel.

I am another who dislikes parties. I prefer a dinner party to the drinks and dancing sort, but not by much. I like dressing up, usually like the food, and usually the company. But I always used to dread going. I can't explain why. Now I can say no thank you with out a qualm. Funny aren't I ? My DH hates parties so we are united in not going

Thought it was just me! Have hated house parties since my teenage years. I also dislike Weddings apart from the actual service and Christenings ditto.
Always felt that I was a bit strange but glad I'm not alone.
I'm very sociable otherwise, very chatty, love meeting friends and will speak to strangers while walking the dog.
I really think that it's the "forced" feeling of them that I hate with everyone with unnatural smiles and same boring small talk.

This takes me back to the time I was a shy seven year old and was invited to the neighbours's daughters's party. She told me that we all had to do a "party piece". I told my mum that I didn't want to go as I was dreading it. She said it would be rude not to go but just tell the girl's mum you would rather not take part. Anyway the hostess said "Of course you must everyone has to". So I was made to stand in the middle of a ring of people blushing and stammering out a poem. The word party always makes my stomach sink to this day.
Of course since then I have attended many work functions etc but never really enjoyed them. As others have said a meal/coffee with a few friends is very nice or larger family gatherings are enjoyable.

I much prefer meeting friends for a snack or a meal on a one-to-one basis (or no more than say, four) as it's easier to have a conversation.
I don't like big parties where people drink far too much and behave badly - maybe next day, 'did you see ... and what they did, etc?' Large work do's were things that I preferred to avoid if I could think of a good enough excuse and I'm not surprised that I'm not the only one.

Calypso I am just catching up with this thread and haven't the energy to read all the responses, (sorry, not being rude - just a lot going on at the moment) but seems that many are in sympathy with you, myself amongst them.

Isn't it funny - sad - that so many of us put up with rather pointless social niceties!

Like many here, I suspect, I have done 'diplomatic appearances' for works dos, but if it is a friend's party, I think they should be understanding of my social preferences. If it is an important occasion, then I would still make the effort, but a if it is a party for a party's sake, then count me out.

You have vividly described the difficulties you have with parties generally and any good friend should recognise and not be offended by that - rather should seek to reassure you not to worry.

And somewhere in the midst of all this discussion, I have this mental picture of so many, MANY people who are just grinning and bearing it at rather pointless gatherings ... Funny what needless expectations we put on ourselves and others ...

Oh dear I'm worried now!
We're having a housewarming party on Saturday night for about 35-40 people (mostly friends of many years standing, and some family) all of whom seemed delighted to accept the invitation. DH and I have spent the week shopping and preparing, and tomorrow I'll be in the kitchen cooking, making salads etc. and getting everything ready for Saturday. We've gone to a lot of trouble to make sure that everybody has a good time, and now I'm wondering how many of our guests don't really want to come....?

What a relief to know there are others who feel exactly as I do. Hubby doesn't like parties either, but accepts 'invites' as he's big on doing the right thing, although stews over the decision for ages! We nearly always have a strategy for the event, a get out plan, which we always execute. Most of his friends and work acquaintances know what he's like and accept it. Each event is different of course, but having a plan of action helps us get through it. So, the plan is always to only stay a short while and have transport organised to leave, this makes the time there more tolerable. Our current thing is to leave earlyish as I drive and therefore can just have one drink, or we have an early start the next day, or variations on those themes. People don't question him whereas I feel put on the spot and awkward if they ask me why we're leaving, etc. I find that I am never relaxed or happy 'socialising' in larger groups and have to fake it a bit to appear to be more 'sociable' than I am, which I hate even more. I spend the build up to the event stressing and worrying over what to wear as I am extremely self conscious and absolutely hate being on show. Weddings are the worst, aside from how long the whole thing takes and how much money is wasted, the dressing up thing is a nightmare and I literally have nightmares and sleepless nights over it. Getting it right eludes me every time, despite everyone saying I look lovely, out of politeness I am sure, I never feel it. Hubby compliments and reassures me, but it's internal & I have tried very hard to overcome it, but never really look forward to theses things in the way I should, especially a celebratory event, as my 'fear' always takes over. Self talk and deep tummy breathing all help to calm me on the day and once I am at the event I survey my surrounds and can settle a bit, in fact sometimes have even given myself a telling off for worrying over nothing and use these instances to try to ready myself for the next one and it helps, but still the wave of self consciousness engulfs me. The longer I know about an upcoming event the worse it is, if it's a very short notice thing, the same day even, there is no time for my mind to play games with me and the event is more tolerable, enjoyable even!

With regards to small talk, it's hard with someone you've just met, especially if they are a bit reserved. With people I already know I run a huge risk of putting my foot in it as my memory is cloudy, I tend to talk too much when I'm nervous too, a recipe for a disaster and something I find annoying when other people do it! Lately, I've been trying to leave a gap in conversations and been trying not to fill that awkward silence that I always felt obliged to fill. I've also been planning ahead a bit by trying to find out who else is going to be there, so I can be prepared and have topics relevant to them to talk with and it's been helping.

I don't drink and am quite deaf these days. Even with my hearing aids in I can't hear in a pub, bar or party. I really don't see the point in going and just nodding like the dog in the adverts. Totally pointless waste of everyone's time!

So many of us feel the same! But we do like smaller gatherings so aren't totally antisocial so let's just stick to that because most of us seem to enjoy the same thing!

I don't, and never have, drunk alcohol and this has caused me no end of problems at parties. I've lost count of the number of times I've been caused miserable or stand offish. I've even had my soft drink spiked so that I'd "relax and enjoy the party", and that's made me really ill. Office Christmas parties have been the bain of my life! I've spent so many years coming up with ever more ludicrous excuses as to why I couldn't attend and started fretting about them from September onwards, knowing they were looming. Not any more. Now I just say thank you, but no thank you. Being the only sober person at an office Christmas party sucks!

I hate parties or any type of get together where people stand around in clusters.I don't do standing, my back kills me after about five minutes and my legs don't belong to me. No thanks
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Maybe it's a "been there, done it, worn the tee shirt scenario" with us all. I do enjoy close family meals but not parties anymore. We live in the country now so I deliberately drive into town for parties so that I can then escape at any given moment.

We are very fortunate in that no one ever invites us to parties

Slowly over the years husband has persuaded me not to go to coffee lunch barbeque etc and consequently I have no friends now. I am hopeless just going for a coffee on my own. MIND have helped tremendously and I can now walk into a cafe where we have a support group once a week. As for family meals out etc I never know what to wear, always feel like the poor relative. So don't go anywhere or speak to anyone. I am just a sad old lady alone.

I have tried really hard over the years to attend other peoples parties and social events, but I dont enjoy them at all. I am useless at small talk, can only cope with about one drink these days before I get a hangover, I dont eat dairy and nearly all party food has cheese, butter or cream (or all three) and I cant hear well in crowded rooms. My current answer is to agree to go so as not to cause offence, but only if I am allowed to 'help out' by heating up food, pouring drinks, washing glasses whatever. I turn up early to help, keep myself busy and then leave early when there are no more 'jobs'. Would this work for you Calypso8? My friends seem to be pleased I have put in an appearance, thank me for leaving them free to circulate and I dont dread the events, or feel like leaving five minutes after arriving!