Gransnet forums


Staying with family

(98 Posts)
keepingquiet Sat 09-Dec-17 23:12:20

My daughter and her two children live a distance away so I have to stay a few nights when I come to make the journey worth while. I find it hard reconciling their way of parenting with mine and just wondered if other grandparents find this a challenge too? I'm never sure if I should speak my mind or not, but if I do it often ends in bad feeling, so generally I keep quiet- but it can cause tensions. Anyone out there can give me any tips on how they deal with this?

MawBroon Sat 09-Dec-17 23:13:54

Your name sums it up
Keep quiet.

Jalima1108 Sat 09-Dec-17 23:25:52

As Maw said - live up to your name.

Anyone out there can give me any tips on how they deal with this?
They don't need to deal with this - it is their house, their children, their rules which is something you have to deal with.

Jalima1108 Sat 09-Dec-17 23:26:32

Unless, of course, the children are at risk in any way.

Auntieflo Sat 09-Dec-17 23:44:00

When our S and DIL come with GS, I sometimes have to bite my lip. blush

paddyann Sun 10-Dec-17 00:42:33

none of my business how they are raised,I raised mine as I wanted and wouldn't have been happy for interference from my MUM or in I say nothing be honest although my S and D do some things differently they are making a great job of raising their children

littleflo Sun 10-Dec-17 09:09:57

The underlying message here is that, ‘Your way of parenting was better than theirs’. I think that is this had been intimated to me by visitors, the invites would end.

There are so many threads on here about Grandparents estranged from the grandchildren and sons and daughters. So many of them say, “We have done nothing wrong” or “I wish I knew what we had done wrong”.

I would hate to read you writing one of those posts in the future.

Pippa000 Sun 10-Dec-17 09:16:23

Like most of the comments already said I keep quiet. We are in a multi-generational house which is interesting at times, when I don't agree I just have to walk away to our part of the house. Having the family around is worth the necessity of biting my tongue. However when the children are in our care, in the house, they follow our rules with no problem !!

Fennel Sun 10-Dec-17 09:21:05

Definitely try to hold your tongue.
Like you, I have to stay a few nights when I visit, and there's usually some problems with the children that need tactful management; I've over-stepped the mark occasionally, but hope I've learned from my mistakes.
Another point is that having you to stay in itself can be stressful.I well remember my Mum coming to stay to help with the children when I'd been in hospital. She and husband (ex) had never got on, and it ended in a row and Dad coming to take her home early. She never stayed again.

silverlining48 Sun 10-Dec-17 10:12:32

Definitely keep quiet. Trouble is they can pick up the slightest hint of disapproval without you even saying a word!

humptydumpty Sun 10-Dec-17 10:20:20

Also I think we need to remember that parenting ideas change over time (and often come full circle!) so some of your ways of doing things may not be the current way...

Bridgeit Sun 10-Dec-17 10:25:44

Agree keep quiet unless you are the one in charge i.e. Babysitting in which case behaviours have to be dealt with, you / we shouldn't have to accept unruly or rude behaviour it's a recepie for disaster & out of control young children apart from anything else are a danger to themselves.I think they feel much safer & relaxed when they know who the adult is.

annodomini Sun 10-Dec-17 10:32:42

Never interfered and the GC are now mostly adolescents and doing fine! Mind you, I did prevent DGS3 from setting fire to the curtains last year when he insisted on lighting a candle!

BBbevan Sun 10-Dec-17 11:19:49

Never speak your mind on other's parenting. You may well regret it as it may lead to all sorts of problems, the worst being estrangement.

Jalima1108 Sun 10-Dec-17 11:25:39

Obviously if a child is going to put themselves in danger you would stop them - such as running into the road etc and you could go through the 'Stop, look, listen' routine - but never ever question the parents on whether or not they do that.

Starlady Sun 10-Dec-17 12:43:56

Another vote for keeping quiet. You see, yourself, that saying something only leads to "bad feeling," nothing more. Besides, it's their turn to parent children. Please respect their parenting choices and keep your opinions on it to yourself (unless there is abuse, of course, which I'm sure there isn't).

If you feel tense when you don't speak up, that may be because you feel as if you have a "say" as the gm (grandmother) or because you feel they "should' do things your way. But you don't have a say and they have a right to parent as they choose, just like anyone else you know. If you keep that in mind, you might feel better.

Farmor15 Sun 10-Dec-17 13:28:51

Suggest that you bring something to do- knitting, puzzle book, i-pad etc. Not something with headphones that cuts you off tho. Then when the urge to say something becomes overwhelming, go into another room and do your own activity to distract you.
All the grandparents I know say you have to keep your mouth shut- I agree it’s difficult!

mumofmadboys Sun 10-Dec-17 14:00:53

Please say nought! My mum often commented on our parenting uninvited. It did nothing to help our relationship. I ended up keeping problems with the children to myself. I think it is better if parents show 'unconditional positive regard' for their children and GC and leave parents to do the parenting unless they are asked for advice.

Greyduster Sun 10-Dec-17 14:18:51

Zip your lip and walk on eggshells like the rest of us! Life is too short.

glammanana Sun 10-Dec-17 14:54:08

Just keep your thoughts to yourself and only offer advice when asked for it has served me well over the past 26yrs with regard to my DGCs when staying at my DDs,in nanna's house nanna's rules apply without question and they respect that.

MissAdventure Sun 10-Dec-17 15:16:02

I used to sometimes say something to my daughter, and I always got told off! It didn't cause problems or bad feeling though. I wasn't even allowed to say "aah.." if someone cried because they'd been told off.

cornishclio Sun 10-Dec-17 15:53:30

Everyone parents differently. No right or wrong way and no need to reconcile their way with yours. They are their children, not yours. As grandparents we are there to support not judge.

jenpax Sun 10-Dec-17 16:06:31

Gosh! I am lucky that my children are raising my grandchildren just fine.
I don’t feel the need to criticise them. I will give a suggestion if asked, but only then, and with due regard to their parenting style, which to be honest is a much improved version of the one I tried to follow. Best advice is not to interfere and don’t judge! It’s judgements and criticism which often lead to the estrangement that others have mentioned, and as others have said these are their children not yours to raise their own way.

Eglantine21 Sun 10-Dec-17 16:17:10

Usually when grownup children parent differently it is because they are trying to avoid the injustices they think they suffered as children!grin

MissAdventure Sun 10-Dec-17 16:30:00

My daughter always complained that I would never have let her get away with the things I defended the grandsons for.