What would you do

So sorry to hear how sad you were Jeff. I understand, just a little something from the children to their gran. Reading your post had just reminded me that my GC (8) didn’t get nana anything. My dad and his partner agreed no presents for adults. However, technically they are my “children” so I did buy for them. My GS and I spent much time with glue, glitter and paint making things that o hadn’t actually thought about it. I’m lucky that I get to see mine often so I don’t think my scenario is anything like yours at all. I can only hope and wish that as your HC get older and can do a little bit of shopping themselves, then they will buy or make you a gift. One thing to hold on to though, is that I’m sure they love their grandma and thatbin itself is a beautiful gift. I so hope things get better for you in time. I would probably not mention anything to my son as it does sound as though you have a bit of a difficult relationship and I don’t think raising the subject would be helpful tbh. Sending you love and ? and the hope this turns out well for you in time.

I was thinking what Squiffy said. Some time in the past you said "oh don't bother with anything for us" at a time you thought he couldn't afford it and he's just got that in his subconscious as an all-time rule

Don’t let the present thing be an issue, they have visited you that shows they care. I understand the disparity in gifts might feel unfair, but there could be lots of reasons you know nothing about. As someone pointed out men are often not the gift buyers and if you and your DIL don’t get on she won’t be pushing him! Years ago my MIL and I fell out after that I left matters of gifts for her up to DH and I know he often forgot!

Always good to see a happy ending, jefm!

Why not give ds the benefit of the doubt and assume the gift was on its way to you before you left the message? That would explain why he had no qualms about giving his brother gifts right in front of you.

If they hesitated to give you something and only did it because of the message though, just a question - have you ever complained about a gift they gave you or returned it or anything (I know some people do). If so, that might be why they hesitated (if they did).

But for now, I think it's better to just enjoy the gift and assume it was late.

Happy Christmas!

Pleased for you jefm.

A Happy Ending!

Hi my son wrote the gift tag but of course it does say from all of them! As usual I will always thank them both. Cross my fingers that whether it was winging its way late....which is a possibility..or whether the voicemail helped its a step in the right direction and hopefully a " lighter" 2018 than in past years. Happy Christmas to everyone xx

jefm I suspect your other son had words with him!

moocow if there was a message with the gift saying ‘from DS and DiL’ then it’s only polite (and wise) to express thanks to DiL as well as to DS.

Sounds like a nice ending for now jefm I'm happy for you. I wouldn't mention it in front of DiL just in case your DS did it quietly being perhaps caught in the middle. If as others have said you can maintain contact with your GC then it won't be long before they are old enough to start acting for themselves although some don't bother think of buying for older relations as it's always been an adult to adult thing unless the parents tell them to do their own xmas shopping. Hope your xmas is a little happier now.

Dear gransnetters to bring you up to date. I decided to be true to myself and although I agree it doesn't always pay to speak up I left a voice message with a subtle hint in it hoping there was nothing wrong etc! I had a parcel arrive this morning 2 days later by special delivery, so I will never know if it was coming anyway! My theory is it was a jog in my DS memory that mums / grandmas deserve at least thought at Christmas. Thanks to all.

I would be so hurt that don't think I could stop myself from saying something. I'm definitely not in the 'don't mention it' camp simply because this is a recent development. I wouldn't be rude, but I would try to bring it up in a round about way. I wonder if your younger son will say something about it to his brother, especially if he was outraged.

jefm I hope you're going to be surprised with a lovely bouquet of flowers delivered to your door just in time for Christmas.

I am afraid not bugsy555 I have tried everything you could ever suggest with my DIL nothing works. ( that's another 13 year old story! ) Thanks

Cherish the good relationship you do have with your younger son. He’s the one who’s there for you.

Than

Say nothing. Don't rock the boat. Would your son and DIL ever like a short break alone without DC - also cheaper if just moved house? Gift of time to busy people always acceptable and you'd also be giving them special time together? For myself I often wish I had said nothing rather then something. Wish you well.

Don't mention it Jefm. Sounds as though you have a very delicate relationship with him any way and I'm sure you wouldn't want to risk it. If you can maintain eve a small amount of contact then the gc may reach an age where they themselves will want to get you something small. Your best hope though is to try to reach out to your DIL to fix the relationship with her then I'm sure you'll have much more contact with your son and gc. Is that possible?

Thanks again to everyone. It is really helpful to hear diverse views. to give a clearer view they didn't visit me they rarely do? We made the usual trip to London where my son and the kids came to my younger sons then we went out for an early meal. The no gifts happened for the first time last year but as they moved into the new home before Xmas I assumed they didn't have time. Yes birthday and Xmas cards are often late or don't turn up at all. Yes I guess the presents for my younger son were bought by my DIL. Yes they had wanted the deposit as a gift but I couldn't possibly afford that., I had lent my younger son the same amount 10 years earlier which he had mostly repaid. Yes it's probably to do with me and my DIL not having a great relationship. My son doesn't have Xmas with me and we have only had 2 Christmas days in 12 years with the GC. I have always been there for him no matter what and I guess the good thing is that although I have only seen the GC 4 times this year it's better than many grans have. My gut feel is at some stage to mention the present absence gently and lightly maybe it will shed some light on what he is feeling? Do you think?

Perhaps it’s just a misunderstanding and he thinks you said no presents at some point in the past. Why not ask in a casual way during the coming year. You must be able to find a suitable opening when you can ask ‘did we say presents for the grandkids only? I can’t remember’ If he says yes you’ve got an answer and the opening for a bigger conversation. Or maybe your other son could ask his brother what he bought you and see what he says?

It is thoughtless, but possibly not more than that. So many men (in all generations) rely on their womenfolk to sort all gifts, so if your DIL doesn't get you anything, it doesn't happen. It is sad, and I don't blame you for being hurt, but if you decide to say anything, I would keep it light, as others have suggested. I think perhaps the moment would have been when he was passing gifts to others in front of you.

I don't see this as a problem as I would much rather give than receive. If your family visit you they clearly care.

I would light-heartedly say ‘So, what happened to my present, then?’ If it bothered me, that is. Actually, it wouldn’t, as long as the DC kept in reasonable touch throughout the year and were thoughtful in other ways.
It’s only 20th December.
He still has time to order something for you.
Did you give him and DiL a present?

I feel for you too, even a bottle of wine or some flowers with the visit if they can’t think of what to get as in presents but they visited which shows they care but empty handed is a puzzle as they bought for others in front of you Did you give them their presents on that visit ?
Could it be that there is something like interflora flowers on the way
My youngest is pretty ad hoc with presents and one year I was ready to think umm nothing for me then when a basket of flowers turned up through international delivery I m so glad I hadn’t said anything
I think I would make a remark after Christmas but as someone else said think it through as I ve sometimes said things that I wish I hadn’t

Were they miffed that you lent them the money rather than giving it to them? I wonder whats behind all this?

Your son is so thoughtless jefm and its very hurtful, I would have to mention something even in a light manner. Our adult children should not assume we are there only to support them, we need to feel cared for too. As always its not the cost of the gift just the thought.