Aibu to want my son back? His fiancé has taken him from me

I do hate being judgemental, and I always try to see both sides to any story, but I'm afraid I cannot see anything positive on the side of the OP.

I have a mother who has found it impossible to "let go" of her two children. My brother and his wife now have the barest of contact with her, because of the way she feels she should have control, being the "matriarch" of the family. She thinks her DIL is the cause of every problem, and although I've tried to talk about this with her, she will not see any other point of view.

My mother is almost in her nineties, and things will never change now. It's just so sad that she has brought this estrangement on herself.

As a mother of 5, 2 of whom are sons, I understand you feeling the loss when they start their own lives. I'm fortunate in that I really like my DsiL but at first it was hard being 'supplanted' by another female who came first. IMHO, parents who bring their children up to be independent, make their own decisions and mistakes, tread their own path etc; have done a great job. It's definitely NOT about making them feel guilty or criticising their choices UNLESS they ask for advice.
18 was quite young for him to be left (alone?) in the UK whilst you went thousands of miles away with his two brothers. Where is dad in all this?
It's very hard to bite the bullet and I DO KNOW how bereft one can feel when a son goes his own way but better that than have a dependent 45 yr old mummy's boy, years down the line.
My advice? Write a letter but don't play the 'I'm your mother' tune. Keep it short and open. Say that it would be good to keep in touch and you wish him, his fiancee and their forthcoming child a very happy life. Congratulate him on taking care of his own business and being a responsible caring partner. Say that you'll step back and hope that in time, they, as a family, will be able to accept you back into their lives as long as each respects the other's need to have distance without criticism. Love without smothering but you will always be there for him, his fiancee and child should the need ever arise.
I'm sure that others on here will be able to add their views and I hope that you restrain yourself from appearing as a badly-treated mother.
Give the letter to the son who contacted eldest son's ex colleague and ask that it be passed to your eldest.
That is all you should do. The rest is up to him.

Damewithaname

I've no idea what you're saying. It makes no sense.

You quite clearly put yours, your DH's and your two younger son's happiness above that of your eldest son when you so coldly and callously left him here when he was just eighteen.
I know this sounds very harsh, but you decided that he wasn't terribly important in your life, so if he now treats you the same way, you only have yourself to blame.
Not having a relationship with him and his growing family is your 'punishment' for being so cruel to him ten years ago!

Your son is your son till he gets him a wife (or fiancée). There's wisdom in old sayings sometimes

If an OP asks for people's opinions, she must expect to get them. I do not think anyone has been particularly harsh or nasty but if the OP lacks the self-awareness to realise that they got themselves into the mess they are in, then someone needs to tell them. If that is thought judgemental then I am all for being judgemental.

Would it really have helped her - and her family, if we had all just said 'poor you, how sad' and nothing else?

FrillyGrill -
I understand how you feel, to some extent.
I "lost" eldest daughter to her partner a few years ago, and it was quite sad and painful for me. But it was what I'd been hoping and praying for, for years.
They've got their life ahead together, hopefully, and my role has had to change. As she has changed.

Absolutely Baggs Spot on .

Our children are only lent to us. We have no rights to possess them. We love them, guide them if they want. But we must step aside and let them fly. If we love them, this is the best thing we can do for them. You need to come to terms with this. Forgive yourself and beg your children (all of them) to forgive you. Send a letter (as suggested above) and apologise for how you have mishandled the situation. Do not expect to be welcomed back with open arms but hope it will be the first steps towards an eventual healing. Good luck.

Yep. Who am I to come between my two DSs wives. My sons visit with DGC on their own mostly. Gives DIL much wanted peace and pampering time. I understand that totally from having little ones. I just go with the flow. My DD who was my baby is a different relationship altogether. A daughters a daughter all her life to finish that so true saying .

I hope that you get another chance OP to make up with your DS and to get to know you GC - but I don't know if that will be possible now. I hope so.

You left your son when he was only 18 because it suited your new family and there is a sense in your letter that you expected to pick up exactly where you left off as Mum to a teenager.

But his life has changed in the 8 years that you had very limited contact. He is not a teen but a man approaching 30 who has formed his own family and you need to respect that. It must have been very upsetting for him to see his fiancee attacked by the Mum who left him and didn't even bother to visit. You cannot expect to impose a "head of the household attitude" - you need to to treat him as an adult now and respect his choice of partner.

In your OP you blame everything on the fiancee - but really this is about the breakdown of your relationship with your son over an 8 year period.

It'll all come out in the wash as my dear Nanna used to say.

Your son is your son till he gets him a wife (or fiancée). There's wisdom in old sayings sometimes

Actually Baggs I could not disagree with you more in this particular case. I think the fiancée is a red herring. The issue in this case is the breakdown of the mother-son relationship over an 8 year period and a mother who is expecting to "parent" a 27 year old like the 18 year old she left in the UK.

No, your son is a son for life. That old saying is rubbish. Our children, male and female, are our children in our hearts for life but once they reach adulthood the relationship with them is the one we have sown the seeds of throughout their childhood.

I’m afraid I agree with others, the OP needs to look at this situation from her son’s point of view and try to convey to him that she understands his sense of hurt and abandonment when she moved to Australia all those years ago. His fiancée has nothing to do with this.

Wow I wish people would read ALL the posts. Gets so confusing haha

That old saying is not meant to be taken literally, nightowl. Ot does say something general about the relationships between mothers and their male/female offspring which multiple posts on Gransnet seem to bear out.

Funnily enough, I've always assumed the you (in your son is your son) is the mother. I've never applied the saying to fathers.

I don't understand why you went to Aus with two young children but I suppose you must have had sufficient reason to go. I imagine that at age 18 your eldest knew his own mind well enough and was emotionally independent of you. I am sorry you have this difficulty with him and d in law.

I think it's probable that he will get in touch with you, because he did make the effort to come to Aus and bring his lady with him. So there is some feeling there.

You need to get used to being on the periphery of the family and learn this new attitude. It's not difficult, it's only common sense. The grandmother is seldom now the wise hub of the family, but is an outlying influence.

It is too cruel nevertheless that he is not in touch. Ask around are there any agencies that could forward a short undemanding letter from you? Salvation Army ?

PS I should have said the grandmother is ----an outlying influence _if an influence at all"

Smothering; controlling; I see the usual problem for the new wife/girl friend where the MIL wants everything her way and the younger woman is not good enoiugh for the son. Leave them alone as you have driven them far away; if they ever come back it will be because they want to. It is their life.

No Alexa it’s not cruel of the son at all, the poster has made it quite clear that she only wanted the son WITHOUT the daughter in law and she only wanted him when it suited her not him.
She was rude to his fiancée on a number of occasions she made it quite clear that she wasn’t approved of or included when the girl had done nothing wrong except fall in love with her son The son has now obviously had enough and moved on why would he want to come back for his wife/ girlfriend to have more disapproval

BlueBelle, I didn't say it was cruel of the son. It's simply a cruel situation when someone's important relationship is ended or in difficulties. I am sure that the son has thought a lot about his family relationships, unless he is extremely superficial.

Is this a joke or a wind up thread ? If it is not well al I can say is - seriously what did you expect?

It is weird enough to be a wind up. OP must see how ridiculous it sounds to talk of a grown man of 27 being “stolen”from his mum who left him behind in the UK 9 years ago while taking her other younger boys with her.
What did she expect?
Or else it is the plot of an episode of Jeremy Kyle or perhaps a very bad novel

I cant be harsh with you because you left your 18 year son in England and moved abroad because I did a similar thing with my youngest when he was 18. We decided to retire abroad but he wanted to stay with his pals and all that he knew. But in the 9 years since we have been constantly in touch plus many visits and the bank of Mum has been very active. Plus he had his older siblings there. But your son who arrived in Australia at the age of 26 was not the the 18 year ikd you left behind. He had had to make a life for himself and had also met someone he wanted to spend his life with. I think you wanted the 18 year old back to yourself but he didn't exist anymore. I cant believe you have said some of the things you have. No wonder your son doesnt want anything to do with you when you wete constantly critical of his fiancee. I don't think she has taken your son away but he has made the decision to distance himself from you. We may not approve of our children's choice of partner but we should never voice it. Our children are not our possessions. Just be polite and if the relationship is wrong they will make their own mind up. One of my DDs has been married 3 times and I cant say I haven't particularly liked any one them but they have been her choice at the time so I have been charming and welcoming to them. Just remember that when your younger boys start having girlfriends. You cant choose for them but can merely go along with it with no criticism. I do hope you get to see your son again but I do think you will need to do a lot of apologising first.

Daisyboots the other sons are 24 and 17 respectively.
I think they may have discovered girls (or boys) already don’t you?