Pitfalls & benefits of anonymity?!

Thank you, Anniebach.

What ever comments I make I would have no hesitation in making face to face and as shown none of us identify ourselves by using our real names My self included. If there is, out there, someone with that name I apologise.
I am frequently saddened reading the experiences of so many on GN and I am sure to be able to off load ones problems to those who are anonymous must be of comfort and has helped in putting them on the right path or given comfort in knowing they are not alone.

Same on here as I am everywhere else. I hate bullying and the ganging up mentality that is prevalent on annoymous internet sites, just as much as I hate it irl. I often wonder what those people are really like.

I don't post very often, and don't know how you find answers to your posts. Do you leave the page open, or click on "Watch this thread"? Having said that, I read every day and have been so encouraged by most of the posts to other GNs in the same situation, which in the main are practical and kind. My husband died in August, and comments by other widows have helped me to be grateful for the 47 years I had with a wonderful husband, and to look ahead to a new "era". So thank you all, and a Happy New Year.

When I came across this forum I was feeling really down and looking for help as our daughter had become estranged. I will never forget the nasty comments I received from people who just decided what my problem and circumstances were. They ranged from what have you done to her to loads of them on here, there’s a special thread..... letting me know how not interested they were as the topic was of no interest to them. When I have posted on other topics I am ignored as there is a clique on here, only certain members opinions are valued. Some of you were very kind and sent me private messages saying you didn’t post either because you had received the same abuse. Such a shame that people feel so intimidated that they won’t post and yet could have some valuable advice. How friendly is it really when people are private messaging each other their support instead of being able to show that support openly on here. Too afraid to disagree and risk attack. Before people are nasty ... I am not the only one saying this on this thread.
Ailsa43 for what you just posted, how many commented or cared? So sorry this happened to you........I too have had to seek help from admin
Back to reading and not commenting for me.....

Your not a whimp Musicelf, you can be braver and be liked , I was so timid when I joined here, got a earful within days but thankfully received a few PM's which were welcoming so I stuck with it.

Being anonymous prompts disclosure - often people are afraid of owning up to their true feelings or of sharing their experiences when they may be blamed. It is, however, no excuse for being rude to anybody. Personally, my behaviour doesn't change - I am anonymous on this site but not on facebook or on other support sites, and I speak my mind and the truth on all. I do believe, however, that the internet should be used for good things and not bad, and I do think that if anybody can't contribute constructively to a discussion they should keep their comments to themselves.

I try to be Ok although I have been accused of not taking things seriously. I admit to being a little terse when an OP asks for an opinion, 99% of posters give their opinion that the OP got it wrong and then the cry is "You are all being unkind to me".
Also not very good when people don't want a solution but come back with the same problem over and over again.
And hate it when a discussion about an abstract suddenly turns into a personal attack, often about some previous unrelated post.
In fact, I can see, I'm not very tolerant at all!! Must do better.

I don't feel anonymous on Gransnet.

I think posting on line is quite different from face to face chat, when you can read expressions and body language. It is sometimes easy to misinterpret what is written, and it can sometimes sound harsher than face to face. I know that when texting friends they have often got the wrong end of the stick!

I post infrequently on here, although read many threads avidly. I suppose this is the only place where I have confided the fact that I have no friends. I have always tried to be kind and not judgemental; I hope I am always like this on social media as well as in RL. I did disappear for a while when I was attacked for something I'd said - nothing controversial, but obviously it did not agree with how the attacker felt. It was about weight.

I wish I could feel braver at times, but I have a need to be liked, I suppose, and would hate to be attacked again. What a wimp I am!

Not the short posts but for longer answers I just imagine I am talking things through with a friend.

I'm probably more "cautious" when I post. (I'm very aware that what's online, is out there forever!) But what I post is genuinely "from me".

I am me on here and in the outside world.

Me too. Truth wins out.

Cliques are unhealthy. And ALL bullies are unhappy people otherwise they would have no need to behave the way they do!!

But that still wouldn't be an excuse to be rude to you.

Oops! * but we are programmed...

jenpax

IMO we are judgemental whether we think so or not, whether we know someone or not. We judge everyone we talk to or see or contact. Think about it. My local baker once said that I look 'kind' but in reality I am quite a tough cookie and say what I think, although not in a confrontational way. It's an automatic reaction and perfectly normal to make snap judgements about people and situations which can be constantly refined if one gets to know the person or as a situation unfolds.
If I appeared before you with my head shaved and piercings in my face, you would immediately have some preconceived notions about my lifestyle which may or may not be ameliorated if you knew me over a period of time.
As it is, I do not have a shaved head nor any piercings but wears programmes to judge on looks, lifestyles, the car we drive, the cleanliness of our homes, the way we bring up our children etc etc. I rest my case.

I would hope that I'd only ever say on a forum what I would say to the person's face.

However, I do think there is a small minority of people (particularly on another, completely different forum I've been on for a long time) who enjoy having a safe, anonymous go at other people, and even being cruel and insulting. I often wonder whether in real life they're timid types with low self esteem, who would never dare to say such things to anyone's face.

I hope that we can all feel free to make our comments (anon or otherwise) without resorting to nastiness. Many cliques develop online as well as in RL - I guess that's human nature. Another site I visit can be quite spiteful. I sometimes make a comment on FB and I'm sure I'm much more circumspect on that as it is in my own name.

I was wonderfully supported last November , such kindness , will always be grateful , was in such a dark place I didn't want to live . There is a clique here though .

Yes, I too have experienced the habit of harsh comments to people posting for the first time. I hope I don't come over as harsh to new posters, I try not to.

I assume that being anonymous does perhaps sub-consciously make us freer in our way of expressing ourselves and that it sometimes is just a little too much.

Perhaps we all need to remember that we are communicating with a lot of different people who express themselves differently and take things differently, and in a written communication the tone of voice cannot be heard or body language seen, both of which soften verbal communication.

I do agree- I've not been attacked personally , but right from the start I've noticed a tendency to bully or gang up unnecessarily on people, particularly cruel when someone is new. Several times I've tried to stand up for people being attacked and once or twice had pms thanking me. Some long term members seem to be a bit cliquey too. It's a shame as this site can be so friendly and supportive too. Disagreeing is one thing (and reasonable in a discussion) but personal abuse is just not on.

I am a very open book and have learnt over the years that you can usually say what you want, when you want, as long as it does not unfairly offend. Being calmly direct usually clears up many situations, as everyone knows exactly what they are dealing with. There have been many unkind and unnecessary harsh comments here over the year, and I have often wondered why some women feel the need for such destructive criticism, instead of constructive advice. We all make mistakes, most wish they could turn the clock back and re address the past, however we can’t, so it’s all about life’s learning curves and finding a way forward, supporting each other with our wealth of life experiences. We should not be afraid of speaking out for fear of being verbally assaulted. Keep your words sweet, one day you may have to eat them !!