AIBU to be suspicious?

So sorry for your situation . My husband tries and succeeded all our marriage to control me with money.He controlled and did up until I retired and told him I was opening my own account and my state pension was going into it. He wanted my pension in lieu of my wages that he’d had for 42 years. I now cannot believe how manipulated I had become. No more! He doesn’t see a penny ...I tell him if he needs money to pay bills he’s JUST HAD TO ASK!! I say that to him as it’s what he always said to me .... “if you need money just ask”.... I had to ask for money for a packet of knickers!!! No more. I was a fool.Get out of this matrriage ‘ tooyoungtobeagrandma’ before you’re as bitter as me.

As others have said don't leave the family home Too young at least before you have your beans in a row and had advice. The CAB will help and you need to talk to your children to find out exactly what their involvement is with your finances.
I was divorced many years ago and knew my ex had more money than he was admitting to. I was told the onus was on me to prove this, he could say what he wanted. The law may have changed now though.
Is there any chance of an honest conversation with your husband over all this, he may explain things more clearly. Good luck

From reading your post it seems you need a good honest conversation between the two of you, but I realise that sometimes talking to the other half is the most difficult thing in the world, particularly when so much may be at stake. For example does he have any idea how you feel? Its possible he thinks everything is entirely normal, in which case the fact you want to leave may be a monumental shock and wake up call. Or are you worried if you say you want to leave he will be happy to wave you goodbye? Certainly I think moving out without any proper conversation and with little money is a bad idea. At some point you will have to discuss splitting up and the money, better to do it from the relative security of having a roof over your head. My friends who divorced seem on the whole to have received a reasonable share of their husbands pensions etc through the courts or via a mediation service.

Oh dear! I do feel for you but I would advise not leaving. Can you not ask your children about the accounts that have been opened with them?

I got married at the age of 37 and have now be married for nearly 30 years. My husband is younger than me and has his own interests as I do. We haven't had a sex life for over 12 years. Partly because he isn't interested and because of damaged to me down below as a result of childbirth. We get on, more like brother and sister. Both of us both work, myself part time with school holidays off.

There is some good advise on here. I would also advise getting a life of your own. I belong to the WI, go to yoga and a dance fitness class, leaving my husband alone for part of the evening.

If he dies before you, I am sure you will be able to find details in his personal papers.

If the children are adults he can't use any of the money in the accounts unless they withdraw it, maybe he is just saving for them.

The best way to resolve this is to talk to him, no amount of advice from anyone else will change things, he can do pretty well what he likes with his money.

I am surprised that he earns so much more than you, when you indicate that he lacks ambition, 10 times what you earn seems a huge sum.

I doubt if the CAB can tell you much about how to make a man spend his money, unless you intend to divorce him.

Yes, get advice. Most solicitors will give you a free first consultation.
Do you know how your children feel about this? It is unfair of him to use them in this way but I wonder how he has explained this to them. If he is using them to hide money from the taxman, then they are conspiring with him and could get into trouble themselves.
It is important that you get advice as soon as possible as he will probably only increase the hiding of money as you both get older. You can't really do anything until you know all your options.
Definitely don't move out before taking advice.

I agree you need to find out as much possible and then see a Solicitor or CAB, he may be putting himself and you in a very difficult situation. Is there any chance of the two of you talking about retirement and money in general and why you are finding yourself left alone so much. Good luck.

Go to the CAB they can give you some good advice.

phoenix does it matter that this might be her first post. If someone needs help it doesn't matter if it's her first, second or hundredth post.

I would consult a good divorce lawyer they are very good at unearthing money.

Am I misunderstanding something? Have you asked him? I realise that may be difficult/impossible, but I just wondered ...
I don't think you're being at all unreasonable to be suspicious. I'd be interrogating him and then some - assuming that, given your post, I realise it may not be a good idea.

Before you do anything you need to gather as much evidence as you can regarding his finances, savings etc. Suspicions alone will not prove anything.

The circumstances do not seem conducive to innocent and open-handed generosity to their children.

There could be a perfectly innocent reason for the accounts, they could be trust funds for the children or provision for pensions for them. This is the kind of thing we discussed with our financial adviser.

I concur with others. Seek legal advice on what your financial situation would be. Probably not as bad as you fear.

As for his rather naive and simply ways of trying to hide money from the tax man.. If the tax man doesn't catch up with him anyway , then just get your solicitor to inform them about his behaviour when divorce proceedings start (if they do).

You would be entitled to as substantial share of his company pension if you divorced and there is nothing he can do to stop this happening as once a financial agreement is legal, you will either get a cheque each month directly from the pension provider or a lump sum equivalent.

Is this your first post?

Well, personally I don't think it would be a good idea to leave the family home as you could end up in a precarious position.
The first thing to do is to attempt to find out what is happening to this money - if he is hiding it from HMRC then he must surely know the consequences of that. Do your children know what he is doing and are they colluding with him so that they can share the money or are they unaware that he is using them?

Yes, you do need advice and CAB would be a good first step to find out where you stand and what is the best way forward.

You should be entitled to your fair share of savings, house and part of his pension after 36 years of marriage - but if he is hiding it then it may need to go to court to ascertain exactly what the financial situation is.

Well it's sad to read about your situation. I'm sure the law is on your side should you ever split.why not contact the citizens advice they are brilliant regarding every aspect of a situation , practical, financial., emotional etc