Gransnet forums


AIBU to be suspicious?

(68 Posts)
Tooyoungytobeagrandma Wed 03-Jan-18 21:41:57

Background: married 36yrs, 2 children one married one still at home (in their 20's). When I had my first child I stepped down from my career at the time to do the majority of childcare with a view to returning asap. My OH at the time considered his career more important despite no intentions of moving up the ladder. Anyway move on to present day and we are living like separate people. He is retiring on company pension at end of this year, I still have 7 years to go before I get my state pension. I stepped down a couple of grades when had first child then got made redundant so no pension. I have found out that he had opened accounts with our children to "hide" £s from the taxmen but think he is hiding money so that should something happen to him I can't get it! He pays mortgage, bills and food I top up with my part time money and the rest of my income keeps me in clothes, pays for my vehicle etc. He takes home 10x what I do and hides £s bit I don't know how much or where. We get a cheque from his parents once a year from bonus' but I never get any of it or know what he does with it. I want to leave as I spend most evenings/weekends alone but am not in a strong financial position. I think this latest idea is more about stopping me getting my hands on any money should anything happen to him/us AIBU?

Bridgeit Wed 03-Jan-18 21:55:18

Well it's sad to read about your situation. I'm sure the law is on your side should you ever split.why not contact the citizens advice they are brilliant regarding every aspect of a situation , practical, financial., emotional etc

Jalima1108 Wed 03-Jan-18 22:38:07

Well, personally I don't think it would be a good idea to leave the family home as you could end up in a precarious position.
The first thing to do is to attempt to find out what is happening to this money - if he is hiding it from HMRC then he must surely know the consequences of that. Do your children know what he is doing and are they colluding with him so that they can share the money or are they unaware that he is using them?

Yes, you do need advice and CAB would be a good first step to find out where you stand and what is the best way forward.

You should be entitled to your fair share of savings, house and part of his pension after 36 years of marriage - but if he is hiding it then it may need to go to court to ascertain exactly what the financial situation is.

phoenix Wed 03-Jan-18 22:49:02

Is this your first post?

M0nica Thu 04-Jan-18 07:23:24

I concur with others. Seek legal advice on what your financial situation would be. Probably not as bad as you fear.

As for his rather naive and simply ways of trying to hide money from the tax man.. If the tax man doesn't catch up with him anyway , then just get your solicitor to inform them about his behaviour when divorce proceedings start (if they do).

You would be entitled to as substantial share of his company pension if you divorced and there is nothing he can do to stop this happening as once a financial agreement is legal, you will either get a cheque each month directly from the pension provider or a lump sum equivalent.

harrigran Thu 04-Jan-18 07:56:28

There could be a perfectly innocent reason for the accounts, they could be trust funds for the children or provision for pensions for them. This is the kind of thing we discussed with our financial adviser.

M0nica Thu 04-Jan-18 08:41:35

The circumstances do not seem conducive to innocent and open-handed generosity to their children.

Niobe Thu 04-Jan-18 08:56:46

Before you do anything you need to gather as much evidence as you can regarding his finances, savings etc. Suspicions alone will not prove anything.

OurKid1 Thu 04-Jan-18 09:01:25

Am I misunderstanding something? Have you asked him? I realise that may be difficult/impossible, but I just wondered ...
I don't think you're being at all unreasonable to be suspicious. I'd be interrogating him and then some - assuming that, given your post, I realise it may not be a good idea.

Teetime Thu 04-Jan-18 09:01:27

I would consult a good divorce lawyer they are very good at unearthing money.

Nanawind Thu 04-Jan-18 09:03:07

Go to the CAB they can give you some good advice.

phoenix does it matter that this might be her first post. If someone needs help it doesn't matter if it's her first, second or hundredth post.

luluaugust Thu 04-Jan-18 10:16:38

I agree you need to find out as much possible and then see a Solicitor or CAB, he may be putting himself and you in a very difficult situation. Is there any chance of the two of you talking about retirement and money in general and why you are finding yourself left alone so much. Good luck.

Jaycee5 Thu 04-Jan-18 10:18:30

Yes, get advice. Most solicitors will give you a free first consultation.
Do you know how your children feel about this? It is unfair of him to use them in this way but I wonder how he has explained this to them. If he is using them to hide money from the taxman, then they are conspiring with him and could get into trouble themselves.
It is important that you get advice as soon as possible as he will probably only increase the hiding of money as you both get older. You can't really do anything until you know all your options.
Definitely don't move out before taking advice.

radicalnan Thu 04-Jan-18 10:22:33

If the children are adults he can't use any of the money in the accounts unless they withdraw it, maybe he is just saving for them.

The best way to resolve this is to talk to him, no amount of advice from anyone else will change things, he can do pretty well what he likes with his money.

I am surprised that he earns so much more than you, when you indicate that he lacks ambition, 10 times what you earn seems a huge sum.

I doubt if the CAB can tell you much about how to make a man spend his money, unless you intend to divorce him.

Retired65 Thu 04-Jan-18 10:33:19

Oh dear! I do feel for you but I would advise not leaving. Can you not ask your children about the accounts that have been opened with them?

I got married at the age of 37 and have now be married for nearly 30 years. My husband is younger than me and has his own interests as I do. We haven't had a sex life for over 12 years. Partly because he isn't interested and because of damaged to me down below as a result of childbirth. We get on, more like brother and sister. Both of us both work, myself part time with school holidays off.

There is some good advise on here. I would also advise getting a life of your own. I belong to the WI, go to yoga and a dance fitness class, leaving my husband alone for part of the evening.

If he dies before you, I am sure you will be able to find details in his personal papers.

SunnySusie Thu 04-Jan-18 10:43:45

From reading your post it seems you need a good honest conversation between the two of you, but I realise that sometimes talking to the other half is the most difficult thing in the world, particularly when so much may be at stake. For example does he have any idea how you feel? Its possible he thinks everything is entirely normal, in which case the fact you want to leave may be a monumental shock and wake up call. Or are you worried if you say you want to leave he will be happy to wave you goodbye? Certainly I think moving out without any proper conversation and with little money is a bad idea. At some point you will have to discuss splitting up and the money, better to do it from the relative security of having a roof over your head. My friends who divorced seem on the whole to have received a reasonable share of their husbands pensions etc through the courts or via a mediation service.

Christinefrance Thu 04-Jan-18 10:46:31

As others have said don't leave the family home Too young at least before you have your beans in a row and had advice. The CAB will help and you need to talk to your children to find out exactly what their involvement is with your finances.
I was divorced many years ago and knew my ex had more money than he was admitting to. I was told the onus was on me to prove this, he could say what he wanted. The law may have changed now though.
Is there any chance of an honest conversation with your husband over all this, he may explain things more clearly. Good luck

Saggi Thu 04-Jan-18 10:49:08

So sorry for your situation . My husband tries and succeeded all our marriage to control me with money.He controlled and did up until I retired and told him I was opening my own account and my state pension was going into it. He wanted my pension in lieu of my wages that he’d had for 42 years. I now cannot believe how manipulated I had become. No more! He doesn’t see a penny ...I tell him if he needs money to pay bills he’s JUST HAD TO ASK!! I say that to him as it’s what he always said to me .... “if you need money just ask”.... I had to ask for money for a packet of knickers!!! No more. I was a fool.Get out of this matrriage ‘ tooyoungtobeagrandma’ before you’re as bitter as me.

rizlett Thu 04-Jan-18 10:49:08

Hello TooYoung

There are quite a few posts similar to yours on mumsnet with good advice on so might be worth a look or even for you to post on there for up to date advice.

This sounds like a difficult situation - if it's true that he is keeping money from you this might be considered financial abuse - is he controlling in other ways?

Perhaps take a look at the womensaid website for more info too.

I'm assuming he has separate bank accounts? Is he open to discussion about it or do you feel he wouldn't tell you the truth anyway? What do your dc think of whats happening?

I'm not a solicitor of course but with a long marriage like yours and your earning capacity being compromised by you taking responsibility for the home and children I'd assume you'd be entitled to 50% of the house, any savings and his pension.

Cabbie21 Thu 04-Jan-18 10:55:10
This link should provide a lot of useful information.
Are you on good terms with your children? If so, perhaps you might like to ask them about these accounts? I wonder how you found out about them. You said about this”latest idea” which suggests you have maybe other reasons to be suspicious. Is it just about money?
My DH is fairly secretive about money, although we have a joint account for household expenses to which we both contribute, but otherwise we each have our own money we can do what we like with. It works for us.
Yes, you could go to a solicitor or CAB but in either case I suggest you need to know what it is you want to know, to make best use of the time.
Or are you at a stage where Relate might be useful? They don’t just exist to help patch up a marriage, but they can help you to determine what it is you really want, and help you take steps to achieve it.
I hope you get some clarity on this. All the best.

ajanela Thu 04-Jan-18 10:56:39

Maybe he is using their ISA allowance? If so why isn't he using yours.

I think you are feeling how many of us retired women feel. We gave up our careers to look after the children, employment laws were against us and it has left us dependent on husbands. We must welcome the change for the new generation of women but they still don't get equal pay whatever the law says.

In 1970 I was working as a nurse in the medical at Fords, Dagenham when the small group of women who made the seat covers came out on strike after being down graded. With the help of Barbara Castle they started a change in women's employment law but still today it is not equal pay. See the film Made in Dagenham. I was paid well on the Whitley council scale but after seeing the film I wondered how much the male nurse was paid.

Sorry that is deviation.

trisher Thu 04-Jan-18 11:04:18

Get a good divorce solicitor one who if he refuses to cooperate will freeze his assets-that usually makes them deal!

Coconut Thu 04-Jan-18 11:05:32

Agree with most of posts, don’t leave the home and get legal advise ASAP. You don’t mention that you love him anymore and you say that you want to leave ( him not the home !)
If he has never been open with discussions it’s difficult to start now, but do attempt to so that you can tell a solicitor if he refuses or is evasive, at least you tried. I openly admit that I stole from both of my exes I had no choice with 3 children to care for. My 1st was so mean and controlling financially even his own mother named him Scrooge or Shylock ! My 2nd was the opposite, cleaned my bank account out and spent every single penny we had, even sold my car and kept the money. Both liked to drink, so I had to wait till they slept then pinch £20 notes. If either of them thought they had spent the cash on alcohol, they must have thought that was fine as neither ever mentioned money missing. But, money for basic food and clothing was clearly me being demanding ! Please take control of this as I had to and find out as much as you can about his situation. I wish you luck and start planning your future as an independent woman 💐

GrannyGravy13 Thu 04-Jan-18 11:22:13

Most solicitors have a 'first half hour free' service. Take advantage of this. It might also be worth googling 'forensic accountants' their job is to find 'hidden assets' The solicitor should be able to recommend one, I believe they are common practice in divorce/separation nowadays.

Most important take care of yourself, put yourself first - sending hugs 💐💐💐

Telly Thu 04-Jan-18 12:06:26

On the basis that you don't know where this money is going, then it would not seem to be unreasonable that he his hiding it for his own reasons. You do need legal advice, I would try to get evidence, eg. wage slips, bank statements, perhaps talk to your children about these accounts he seems to have opened with them? I would think that you must be entitled to 50% of any assets and that would include pensions, property etc. But the more you can prove what is coming into the house the more likely you are to be able to get your entitlement. I would not leave, but get legal advice first then decide what action you want to take, if any.