To feel left out?

there's no "should" about weddings*Yogagirl*.It's different times from when we married and our parents made most of the decisions.Nowadays brides dont want or take advice aboout ANYTHING.They do things their way...and why shouldn't they? We always said weddings were about two familes getting together to celebrate a new beginning...thats not the case anymore.Often there are 3 or 4 sets of "parents"Some who wont talk to each other so photographs are a minefield .A lot of couples aren't THAT young with average brides being over 30,whereas when we started in this business it wasn't unusual to see brides of 16 ...one who left school on the Friday and got married on the Saturday. So they know what they want and have the confidence to do it their way No one should feel left out ...its the couples day and it has to be how they want it and if you're invited to share the day thats all you can expect.

Enjoy your day off . That's really sad, hope you were treated. It all about what things look like these days, it's gone too far.

gosh I am lucky - all 3 DDs married lovely chaps with lovely parents. We are close to all of them. 2 weddings were financed 50/50 from each side so guest list was the same - the final one mostly us and DD as DSIL had been previously married and his parents were landed with paying for wedding No 1 - but new sil stumped up for lots of it and we all chipped in. They got married in France. His parents gave a huge party for all their friends in the UK to which all our friends who could not get to the wedding, were invited. I know we are amazingly lucky and I only have daughters, but our outlaws are now all personal friends. PS I was invited to help with choosing the most recent dress but only after a short list had been created with her sisters - TBH all 3 sorted it without my help and that was fine by me.

yogagirl I'm glad you posted because your experience shows how easy it is to thoughtlessly hurt people. It's unintentional, but it still hurts. To tell you that you're too fat to be a bridesmaid because you're pregnant is so sad, especially when you've travelled so far to be at the wedding. I would have been cut to the quick on the day too, if I'd been you.

I honestly believe it's right to draw to the attention of the bride and/or groom if you think something is not quite right. You don't have to be combative, just share your thoughts. Weddings have always been a bit of nightmare trying to please everyone, but I think it's gone too far in the other direction by saying it's the bride's day and she says what goes. For me it's not so much about who didn't get an invite, but who did, especially if family expecting an invite are left out so lots of friends can be invited instead. What happened to family at the reception and friends to the evening do as a way of pleasing people?

If a wedding isn't about families then why bother inviting them? Plenty of couples choose to get married without their families being involved, often because a family wedding is too problematic.

I've two sons. One married two years ago. At first her mother was not interested in any of the planning. I went to see wedding dresses. Then suddenly mum was interested. I was sidelined. The bride asked me to do a reading at the civil ceremony because she didn't want me to be left out. I jumped at the chance and thoroughly enjoyed it even though I don't do speaches at all.

I made the bunting (all 300ft of it!) for my ds and dil's wedding, at their request, and my dd read one of the readings. I helped decorate the venue and had been with them to choose flowers. But DiL's family are local whereas I'm 200 miles away so I was involved as much as I could be. And I had a lovely time

300ft of bunting - I am so impressed.

Honestly, not joking, I made some at Christmas but nowhere near 300ft

Thank you Wilma yes, all these years later, 35 almost, it still hurts, when the wedding album came and you could put your order in, there was just the one I requested of me and my sister in the garden When we were little girls we always spoke of how we would be each others bridesmaids. To this day, she doesn't know how much she hurt me.

I should have said Wilma the rest of your post was very good and I agree with you.

Well done Kezia

Unless there is a bit of animosity between the two girls, your dugfhter and the bride to be, I would have a quite word with my son, the groom, and maybe his fiancee together. I'm a great believer in talking things out, and its not what you say, its how you say it. The brides mother being a bridesmaid?? really....even if asked the answer would be no way!

Re 300ft of bunting
I didn't quite intend to make that much but bought a 100m roll of bunting tape and just carried on until it was finished (didn't quite think it through!) The most time consuming bit was cutting out the triangles; hessian, lace and pale green cotton. I enjoyed doing it and it got a special mention in the groom's speech (mainly because it was impossible to avoid it, I think!)

Kezia hope it was saved, after all that work!

Yes, I hope so too.
A family heirloom!

I had not heard of bunting tape, I bought packs of bias binding and then had to join it, I'll remember that next time I make some.

Have to confess thatI bought bunting on eBay. Beautifully made from cotton and amazingly cheap. I did make the cake though, three tiers of vanilla drizzle Madeira cake ?Had dreams of crispy buttercream for months before and after!

" I was rudely told that I could sort out the flowers, dresses and photographer. "

Not sure what you mean by this, grannyoftwins. If they told you to pay for it, just like that, it's very rude. If they were giving you an opportunity to participate in the wedding plans, then maybe they meant well, even though they went about including you in a less than stellar way.

So sorry to hear about all the mums who felt "left out" on ds' or dd's wedding day! Please try to just enjoy the fact that they're married and have (maybe) have kids.

One of the things that surprises me in this thread is how much funding UK parents seem to be expected to contribute to weddings. My 3 children are all in long term relationships (all with with children) and two have chosen to get married. As they all worked and had lived together for some years they largely funded their weddings themselves. I chose to buy my daughters wedding dress and gifted an equal amount to my son to contribute to his wedding costs but there was no expectation that I would do anything.

Both were civil ceremonies, one at a historic house with a rather wild party after including a fire eater and one on a beach with dinner at a restaurant overlooking the water. Each had a best man (friend of groom), my dil had a friend as sole bridesmaid and my daughter had her sister. I think things may be a little less prescriptive in Oz with less concern about "rules". People pretty much arrange things as they would like, some very traditional formal events, others very casual and everything in between.

As another gran has said these days the bride and groom are usually much older than in former days and have clear ideas about what they want. Afterall it is their day. ??

Having been heavily involved with a dd's big wedding a couple of years ago, I must say there is something to be said for being the mother of the groom! So much planning and organising, worrying about this or that going wrong - particularly the weather.

As for being involved in wedding dress fittings, even as mother of bride I wouldn't want to go through that again! Dd was v tired - had recently moved house AND had a baby, and some so called (jealous IMO) friend had put her off her lovely, simple dress by saying it looked a bit like a nightie... Dd in tears, dd2 and I doing best to comfort both her and fretful baby - I felt sorry for the poor dressmaker, too!

It all went beautifully in the end, but talk about 'phew'.... I well remember lovely BiL, whose huge place in France had been so kindly lent for the occasion, saying to me earlier in the day when I was charging around all harassed, 'Here's a glass of wine, you look as if you need it!'

I felt the same when my sister married. She asked if my daughter would be a flower girl, then backed out of that and just had big bridesmaids, all fiancés nieces, wasn’t included in any planning except when she asked me to see the wedding dress and my mum said oh yes she needs you to help lace it up as I can’t do it! Felt very excluded and didn’t enjoy the wedding. Was told several times it’s her day. Yep, but you still shouldn’t be nasty to people close to you. ?

I would say ‘if there’s anything you want me to do just say’ and then sit back and enjoy the wedding

I married almost 3 years ago. My bridesmaids were my sisters and my 3 best friends. One of which is known from the age of 10.

If anyone has told me I should have appointed another person as a BM I would calmly and politely thank them but decline.

Bridesmaids are for the bride. They were the most important women (with my mum) in my life and the moments we shared laughing between photos and then racing off to the room to soak our feet in the bath while pouring drinks were as special and unforgettable to me as walking down the aisle.

To me my bridesmaids meant so much to me. They were so much more than pretty girls stood at the top and I didn't want just anyone there.
Some say the day is about the families but for us it was exactly what me and my husband wanted down to the last detail.
If someone had come to me and said 'I want xyz' I'd hand them the brochure and tell them to book their own wedding.

Apricity my children all married in their mid 20 s and completely funded their own weddings I didn’t have to fund anything I was a single mum who had brought them all up and they were all in work and I thought that’s how it was nowadays, obviously not

BlueBelle thanks for your comments. Balances out some of the others. In Oz the over the top, demanding bride is often referred to as a "Bridezilla". ?