grandaughter pushed too hard

Don’t ASK ..... TELL HER she is leaving. She knows she’s pushed it!

You have been more than reasonable in putting up with this selfish little ingrate - tell her she has one month to move herself and belongings - and keep to it no matter how much she whines. Sad to say we cannot always rely on the adage ‘blood is thicker than water’ because in this case it clearly isn’t.

You’ve had a range of sensible advice already, i just wanted to say that I hope life becomes calmer for you all.
One day she’ll realise what you did to support her and regret her selfishness but it might not be for quite a while. Concentrate meanwhile on yourself and her grandfather, of course. However I think that being receptive to any possible approach from her would be right. She’s still quite young and you obviously care about her in spite of the horrible things she’s done and said.
At least she has a job and friends, she could be in a much worse situation.

Treating her like a granddaughter no longer worked once she moved in. You've forgot they still need ground rules young/older teenagers/adults can be headstrong rude & stubborn feel sorry for yeah but treating her like a Princess is a no no now she's moved in. Sorry it's gone pear shaped Helping to find her somewhere else to live would lesson the guilt. Fingers crossed you can get back that Granddaughter and grandparents special bond again x

I’m sorry to hear of your troubles. The messy bedroom wouldn’t bother me all that much, but her attitude is deeply hurtful and disrespectful. Not to mention plain ungrateful!

I don’t think I would have her back, because it sounds as though she will only approach you once she has worn her welcome out elsewhere. She may promise all sorts of altered behaviour but it sounds as though you have tried rules before without success. Once returned, I think you will find it very difficult to get her to leave.

This young lady needs a short sharp reality check. She may have had an unfortunate time, however, this does not mean that she shouldn’t understand manners and consideration for others. You should not have to get upset n your own home because of her strops, the world does not revolve around her and you clearly have worries with your husbands health. Allowing teenagers to behave like that enables them to carry on and manipulate, pull heart strings of kind people and basically not learn any rules in society that the rest of us have to adhere to. You have to be cruel to be kind here, if she wants to do what she wants when she wants then she must get her own place to do so ... living with others means considering others, something she clearly does not want to do. Good luck ?

She must be very troubled , parents fighting, children feeling they have to take sides , she may have much anger bottled up .

Don't have her back, change the locks and concentrate on yourself and DH. She won't learn anything if she isn't made responsible for herself.

Tough love.

She does sound 'normal' for some teenagers but she has to learn just as we all do.

You have to learn to, prioritise yourself and DH, two people there that you can help.

I really think you have done well but you have to see this as a very damaged girl not just a spoilt brat She needs help not punishment she sounds as if she’s been pushed to the background, with dad leaving, mum having multiple boyfriends and her life being totally out of control (it sounds as if you have no idea if worse things have happened to her) her way of clawing back some normality is to bite against everyone and anyone to try and find her own importance
Imagine an animal who has been treated badly in pain mentally or physically and a good person tries to save it They may get bitten or clawed in the process
I think the last poster who said wait a bit then try again with some gentle ground rules may be a good way forward

Young mind will help with counselling if she would consider it and YMCA often has services to help young people receive help with housing and counselling. You have tried really hard but I also agree she is probably quite damaged from an emotionally abusive ( maybe other forms of abuse?) childhood and needs a lot of support

Sofa surfing at friends, if she is that inconsiderate her friends will not tolerate her for more than a couple of days.
In a way you brought some of it on yourself, it is never a good idea to allow someone to live rent free even if you can well afford it. She clearly has no respect for you or your DH.

I think you have done really well giving her a home for a while living with you. At least now you are all having a break. Having told her you love her leave her for a week before you get back in contact. If I were you I would sort and clean her room and only if she asks politely let her back. Then it should be with some house rules and payment towards board and lodging. Keep the rules simple and get her to sign them. Maybe suggest the three of you review the situation in two months and make it clear you cannot have her living with you if it has a bad effect on your DH. Try and praise her for any positives. Could you suggest she cooks for the three of you once a week?

What a sad story I can totally understand your side of this but the poor girl now has no one
She has lived through a lot of turmoil and has probably built a skin of steel (hence the I don’t care if you live or die attitude) She is a very damaged soul trying to appear and live normally She may even have inherited some of her mums mental health problems, she may have lived through abuse, mental or physical from the many boyfriends, she has certainly not had any stability and her way of surviving is to try and find a way of having some control and that at the moment is to do everything her way and bugger society or parents or grandparents her way or no way it’s her survival kit
I think some posters on here are not taking her dreadful life into account this isn’t just naughty teenage behaviour it’s a very damaged young lady whose life has been traumatically ruined by a warring and selfish adult or adults I m sure no one knows what has gone on in her home before she came to her Nan
She needs some major counselling, and guidance ( but not from you Doglady)She is holding down a job and you don’t think she is involved in drugs so there is hope
Do try to keep the door open I don’t mean the house door I mean your love
So very sad all round ?

It does sound as if the early break up has been very hard for her. The adults who were supposed to be on her side have failed her badly. I am not at all surprised she is behaving as she is.

I agree with Cornergrans post.

The poor girl needs some support from an adult who can be sympathetic to all that has happened to the child, but at the same time be firm enough to try to help her work with some agreed ground rules.
There are places like the YMCA that do work to try and support alienated young people who need support to settle down.

I am sure that as time passes she will realise how good you were to her. For now there is nothing more you can do except to concentrate on having some peaceful time for your OH to recover his health. It is always hard when you have to be firm especially with someone you love. You have done the right thing.

Ground rules will probably be ignored too. Stick to your guns and make her move out. You aren't being unreasonable, she is.

It might be normal teenage stuff but NOT towards such helpful and patient grandparents with your own worries, how much will you resent her if she causes your dh further problems and that's not a healthy relationship then either?

yes I know a lot of her traits are normal teenage ones, I had also been worried about drugs, but I have had a good look through the stuff she left behind and can find no trace here at least.

Thank you all for your very good advice.

doglady. You are doing the right thing. Your DGD, has had a bad example at home, but you gave her a chance for a new start, but to do that she had to learn to act in a cooperative manner. At 17, as she was then, she is both old enough and young enough to understand the rules and obey them.

To a large extent you are in the same position as a parent with a child with alcohol or drug problems. You do all you can to help them, until finally you find yourself with your back to the wall and have to say 'Its my way or the highway'. If she chose to move out that was her choice.

Sooner or later family and friends will get fed up with her sofa surfing and she will have to sit down think and, hopefully, realise that she is getting nowhere and if she wants a life she has got to learn not to be so utterly selfish.

Some good advice here doglady. I totally agree, if she stays groundrules are essential - and they are your rules as she is in your home. The whole situation must be both worrying and upsetting, particularly as your husbands health isn’t good, I can understand you being at the end of your tether. Undoubtedly your granddaughter is struggling but she isn’t a child and as an adult has responsibilities. I think I’d be reminding her she asked to live with you, tell her you can’t believe she isn’t as upset as you are about your recent argument and really don’t believe she doesn’t care about her grandfather. I’d then share your ground rules and give her the option of staying and abiding by them or leaving. If she opts to leave agree a date and then step back. I also wondered about substance abuse but a step at a time, be brave and be clear, and no, of course you aren’t being unreasonable.

I know that I am very stressed out at the moment with DH being so unwell, maybe that's why I have finally put my foot down.
I don't know how old you are (don't answer that) but very young and fit grandparents would find her behaviour a trial, let alone your DH enduring this with poor health.

I do hope she has time to reflect on her behaviour and how she has treated you and realises that it is not acceptable.
However, her room is a tip does strike a chord - is this a rite of passage for most teenagers?
Some of it does sound like normal teenage behaviour but you are the DGP not the DP - and she is an adult now. I wonder if she treats her friends where she sofa-surfs with such disrepect?

Blimey, given her generous income and nasty tongue l would oust her. She has no respect for either of you. I hope I am wrong but all your granddaughter traits lead me to wonder that she is abusing drugs, the lack of hygiene and chaotic lifestyle are typical.

Look after your DH and yourself

I wonder what she is like in her friends' homes?

It sounds as if you have already tried many things with DGD and nothing works.Time for her to move on, too unfair on you and your DH to carry on in this way, with no thanks or sense of being grateful to you for a comfy home.
I wonder if being told that she must leave you will change her attitude? I cannot imagine, in any circumstances that I would treat my Grandparents this way, it’s awful.