grandaughter pushed too hard

Not in the slightest. She should be paying her way and helping around the house. You are not her unpaid helper, let her find out what the real world is like because she has no respect for her grandparents who took her in during her hour of need.

Her feet wouldn't touch the ground if she were my granddaughter! She'd be out.
For you though, maybe you could help her with finding somewhere, and being able to live independently? It would surely be easier than all the stress you're having now.
Yes, her upbringing may have been not all that great, but its time to move on from that.

She is obviously troubled but she has two parents and she is herself an adult.

You shouldn't be making yourselves ill over her - time for her to move on, but also let her know that you would love her to visit from time to time as long as she doesn't upset you or her grandfather.

If you find it too hard to throw her out what about establishing some ground rules and sticking to them?

My suggestions:

Give her two days to clear her room and then tell her you will go in and pick up everything left lying around and keep it until she has properly cleaned her room.

Tell her what time meals are and that unless she negotiates otherwise that is the only time food will be provided.

Tell her that you will not open the door to her after a given time at night, say 10 pm

Decide upon a sanction if she raises her voice and stick to it.

I could go on but I think you have my drift.

How sad for you - and her. Not the relationship you want or expect is it?

I appreciate she has had a tough life but I've never been a believer in that being a good enough excuse for bad behaviour and whilst some of what you describe could be any teenager in the country a lot of it isn't.

Do you think , in an effort to make up for her previous issues you have over compensated? For instance you mention she got sky TV, food, money, transport but it seems to be a one way street. So you have set her low expectations as to what's expected of her.

Its going to come as a shock to her but I think you need to quietly lay out the 'rules' and what's expected and then tell her what will happen if she can't or doesn't want to live by these rules. For instance , we took 10% from our girls as keep from their first jobs. They didn't know it but we just saved it and gave it back to them when they moved out. But it taught them that bills have to be paid regardless.

The only thing is , if you do tell her what the consequence of not doing as you ask ( and the rules don't have to be onerous - for instance ignore her room - shut the door and if its a pigsty - its HER pigsty. If she forgets her key after one warning then she's locked out! Harsh but if you cave and get up every time why would she worry about taking the key?) then you have to follow through. If that means her moving out , so be it.

You're not doing her any favours letting her treat you like a doormat. She may have 'learnt' this behaviour from her Mum but there's no reason to let it carry on.

Sorry for the long reply :-) hope you can find a better way forward !

Oh dear. I'm guessing you haven't had an apology for the fracas last week? Thinking back to what I was like at her age, and one of my DDs - seething masses of teenage hormones and entitlement - I can imagine the trouble you are having. You're not her parent, though, and you shouldn't have to put up with it. You don't need the stress, and neither does your DH, and it's not as if she has nowhere else to go. I think she needs to go back to her mum's, or to your DS's.

Make a written agreement setting out your ground rules:
- no smoking in the house
- £x contribution to household finances per week
- specified jobs that are hers - e.g. clean bathroom once a week.
- if she forgets her key she is not allowed to wake you - she must find somewhere else to sleep that night
- she must treat you both with respect and good manners
- etc. etc.

Tell her that if she is unwilling to sign up to this, then she has to leave. No ifs, no buts. It is your house and she has to abide by your rules.

Don't discuss this - simply say it is non-negotiable. Don't get into an argument; just present her with it. Take it or leave it. End of.

You will be doing her a favour. She has had n proper boundaries and you are not helping her by colluding in this.

If she leaves, she leaves.

I agree with N&G definitely ground rules if you want to give her a second chance doglady. You can put a time limit on it and if things haven't improved after a set time then she needs to move on. Life has not been easy for her but the same can be said for a lot of people who don't behave badly.
My daughters paid a third of their wage for housekeeping, a third to save and the rest was theirs.
Your granddaughter has to learn the hard facts of life and should not treat you this way.

Hi guys, thanks for the response. As the post was so long I haven't given every detail.

She has already left, the same evening, is now sofa surfing with family and friends.

I did say after the row that if she wants to follow my house rules (and yes I have already given her the house rules and ignored the room for months. Nonnie NanaandGrampy and Luckygirl) that she can stay, but clearly this is not what she wants to do.

I know that I am very stressed out at the moment with DH being so unwell, maybe that's why I have finally put my foot down.

I have texted her ( she wont answer my call) and told her that I love her and am thinking of her and want her to be safe, but not at my home under these circumstance.

Tough love is tough

It sounds as if you have already tried many things with DGD and nothing works.Time for her to move on, too unfair on you and your DH to carry on in this way, with no thanks or sense of being grateful to you for a comfy home.
I wonder if being told that she must leave you will change her attitude? I cannot imagine, in any circumstances that I would treat my Grandparents this way, it’s awful.

I wonder what she is like in her friends' homes?

Look after your DH and yourself

Blimey, given her generous income and nasty tongue l would oust her. She has no respect for either of you. I hope I am wrong but all your granddaughter traits lead me to wonder that she is abusing drugs, the lack of hygiene and chaotic lifestyle are typical.

I know that I am very stressed out at the moment with DH being so unwell, maybe that's why I have finally put my foot down.
I don't know how old you are (don't answer that) but very young and fit grandparents would find her behaviour a trial, let alone your DH enduring this with poor health.

I do hope she has time to reflect on her behaviour and how she has treated you and realises that it is not acceptable.
However, her room is a tip does strike a chord - is this a rite of passage for most teenagers?
Some of it does sound like normal teenage behaviour but you are the DGP not the DP - and she is an adult now. I wonder if she treats her friends where she sofa-surfs with such disrepect?

Some good advice here doglady. I totally agree, if she stays groundrules are essential - and they are your rules as she is in your home. The whole situation must be both worrying and upsetting, particularly as your husbands health isn’t good, I can understand you being at the end of your tether. Undoubtedly your granddaughter is struggling but she isn’t a child and as an adult has responsibilities. I think I’d be reminding her she asked to live with you, tell her you can’t believe she isn’t as upset as you are about your recent argument and really don’t believe she doesn’t care about her grandfather. I’d then share your ground rules and give her the option of staying and abiding by them or leaving. If she opts to leave agree a date and then step back. I also wondered about substance abuse but a step at a time, be brave and be clear, and no, of course you aren’t being unreasonable.

doglady. You are doing the right thing. Your DGD, has had a bad example at home, but you gave her a chance for a new start, but to do that she had to learn to act in a cooperative manner. At 17, as she was then, she is both old enough and young enough to understand the rules and obey them.

To a large extent you are in the same position as a parent with a child with alcohol or drug problems. You do all you can to help them, until finally you find yourself with your back to the wall and have to say 'Its my way or the highway'. If she chose to move out that was her choice.

Sooner or later family and friends will get fed up with her sofa surfing and she will have to sit down think and, hopefully, realise that she is getting nowhere and if she wants a life she has got to learn not to be so utterly selfish.

yes I know a lot of her traits are normal teenage ones, I had also been worried about drugs, but I have had a good look through the stuff she left behind and can find no trace here at least.

Thank you all for your very good advice.

It might be normal teenage stuff but NOT towards such helpful and patient grandparents with your own worries, how much will you resent her if she causes your dh further problems and that's not a healthy relationship then either?

Ground rules will probably be ignored too. Stick to your guns and make her move out. You aren't being unreasonable, she is.

I am sure that as time passes she will realise how good you were to her. For now there is nothing more you can do except to concentrate on having some peaceful time for your OH to recover his health. It is always hard when you have to be firm especially with someone you love. You have done the right thing.

It does sound as if the early break up has been very hard for her. The adults who were supposed to be on her side have failed her badly. I am not at all surprised she is behaving as she is.

I agree with Cornergrans post.

The poor girl needs some support from an adult who can be sympathetic to all that has happened to the child, but at the same time be firm enough to try to help her work with some agreed ground rules.
There are places like the YMCA that do work to try and support alienated young people who need support to settle down.

What a sad story I can totally understand your side of this but the poor girl now has no one
She has lived through a lot of turmoil and has probably built a skin of steel (hence the I don’t care if you live or die attitude) She is a very damaged soul trying to appear and live normally She may even have inherited some of her mums mental health problems, she may have lived through abuse, mental or physical from the many boyfriends, she has certainly not had any stability and her way of surviving is to try and find a way of having some control and that at the moment is to do everything her way and bugger society or parents or grandparents her way or no way it’s her survival kit
I think some posters on here are not taking her dreadful life into account this isn’t just naughty teenage behaviour it’s a very damaged young lady whose life has been traumatically ruined by a warring and selfish adult or adults I m sure no one knows what has gone on in her home before she came to her Nan
She needs some major counselling, and guidance ( but not from you Doglady)She is holding down a job and you don’t think she is involved in drugs so there is hope
Do try to keep the door open I don’t mean the house door I mean your love
So very sad all round ?

I think you have done really well giving her a home for a while living with you. At least now you are all having a break. Having told her you love her leave her for a week before you get back in contact. If I were you I would sort and clean her room and only if she asks politely let her back. Then it should be with some house rules and payment towards board and lodging. Keep the rules simple and get her to sign them. Maybe suggest the three of you review the situation in two months and make it clear you cannot have her living with you if it has a bad effect on your DH. Try and praise her for any positives. Could you suggest she cooks for the three of you once a week?

Sofa surfing at friends, if she is that inconsiderate her friends will not tolerate her for more than a couple of days.
In a way you brought some of it on yourself, it is never a good idea to allow someone to live rent free even if you can well afford it. She clearly has no respect for you or your DH.