grandaughter pushed too hard

RM,

/me giggles at the mistyped word :D

bed bad

Objecting to unreasonable behaviour and making suggestions about how to tackle bed behaviour is not character assassination.

Tough love is, as you say doglady, tough on everyone. Sometimes it's what's needed though and, in my mind, it's the same as plain talking. Sometimes people simply don't hear what you're saying unless you are very blunt, especially when it's something they don't want to hear.
Best wishes to all concerned, including the teenager.

I've only read two pages of this so apologies if what I say is repetitive.

doglady1 I think you and your husband have done the best you possibly could do in the circumstances. It has obviously all got too much for you, particularly as your husband is unwell. It is good that you sent your granddaughter a letter and told her you loved her. Keep concerned and friendly communications open and, hopefully at some point things will sort themselves out.

That said, I agree with Bluebell. This young woman is being very disruptive and uncooperative but I'm not really surprised given all the massive upheavals in her life - her parents' acrimonious divorce, a reportedly emotionally unstable mother with a succession of boyfriends, violent behaviour, etc. etc. She must feel very angry and vulnerable and is taking it out on whoever is nearest. I agree that she might well benefit from some counselling but at this moment I think she is unlikely to be very receptive to that idea - perhaps that is something that can be suggested to her once she is in a more settled frame of mind. I hope, in time, things will get better for your granddaughter and for you.

I thinksome posters have been very harsh in their condemnation of this young woman. It is possible to dislike her behaviour and agree that her grandparents have been treated badly without feeling the need to launch into an attack on this young woman's character.

Again I thank you for all your comments. Everyone sees it from a slightly different angle so all suggestions gratefully received.

I saw her today and asked if we could talk. She didn't even make eye contact with me, said she doesn't want to.

She is supposed to be coming for the rest of her stuff tomorrow. Not looking forward to it.

She’s 18. No longer a child. She knows you love her and will be there for her if she needs you. She needs to be independent and make her own mistakes now. Look after yourselves.

She is in for a shock when she moves elsewhere as she will have to pay rent, food, bills. My mum & dad had a similar problem with my niece. She moved of her own accord and after a troubled few years is now settled and married. There is hope!

Blue bell, I entirely agree with your compassionate approach to this girl and your explanation of her difficulties. This, very tragically, is not an uncommon situation. I am a retired psychologist. I have to say, no matter how distressing this poor girl's background may be, her behaviour is too difficult for her grandparents to contain, especially with Gdad's illness. She will not change over night and, unless there is a miracle, she will continue to abuse them if she stays under their roof. Her problems are too entrenched for them to deal with now and my fears are for their health and safety. I do not think it is advisable for them to try and keep her. She has to gain some insight into her behaviour and take steps to becoming considerate towards others. Her problems are beyond the control of her grandparents; I am afraid for them should they try.

As an incentive for her to do her bit, you could always change the WiFi pass word and tell her she can have it when her room is clean and tidy. She’ll say you are mean, cruel and likely have a bit of a hissy fit, but stand firm and see how long she lasts without access to social media.

You have done more than enough. You have been brilliant grandparents. You must now think only of your husband and yourself. I know what worrying about a family member can do to you. It can make you ill.

Luzdoh & Wilma's advice is excellent. I do feel for your grand-daughter, but she has youth and physical health on her side. Her life has been difficult in many ways, but how lucky she is to have a grandmother who cares so much!
Whether she is traumatised by circumstances, or has inherited her mother's problems, or a combination of the two, it's a blessing that you are aware of what's happening. She's still young enough for therapy to be able to make an enormous difference in her life. I don't mean to imply there's any sort of 'quick fix' on the horizon - it sounds as if this will be a long & difficult journey for everyone.

Please put yourself & your DH first. Please. You've done so much for your grand-daughter already - it's time for you & your husband. You'll be doing best by both your DH and your grand-daughter.

I'm so sorry for everyone involved, including your DS. You've certainly been much more patient that I would've been! I'm so very glad you wrote this and hope that things will work out for everyone. Stay strong.

But I doubt she'll return any time soon. Right now, she may even like going from couch to couch - never anywhere long enough for them to expect much from her or for issues to arise. Also, chances are, she acts better at her friends' houses than she did with you because she knows she could lose the friends altogether. If she does decide she needs a permanent place and she can't afford one of her own, she'll probably try again with her mum before she tries with you and dh again. At least, that's my guess.

Intended to say earlier that I'm sorry about dh's health issues. Imo, that has to be your first priority. Gd has 2 parents. It was kind of you to be there for her. But now, if she falls on hard times, hopefully, either her father or her mother will be able to get through to her. It's their job, not yours.

But I agree with others, if she does want to come back, there have to be ground rules before she even sets foot in the door. If she won't agree to them, that's that - her choice. If she does agree but slips up, now and then, please avoid any 'heated discussion" for dh's sake. You know how loud she can get, so don't let it escalate to that point.

I wish people would read all of the posts by the OP before giving their advice and/or opinions. The OP posted less than 2 hours later explaining her GD had left.

doglady you need to put yourself and your husband first. You need to decide just how much support you can give to your GD without it causing problems for you and your DH. To be honest, I think this is what you need to do first before you start another cycle with your GD. It might be a good idea to get some advice about what support is out there for your trying to help your GD. I'd get in touch with Grandparents Plus or AgeUK and find out if they can help you with finding support for yourself if you agree your GD can live with you. I know she's no longer considered a child, but they must have come across situations like yours before and be able to point you in the right direction.

If she wants to come back and you let her, then you need to agree new ground rules based on how much support you can safely give her. The old ones will have been fine for an untroubled teenager, but that's not what your GD is right now.

In addition to the ground rules I think she has to agree to talk to a professional about what happened to her (only she knows the truth). She needs help to work through her feelings and it's best that she talks to a stranger who has no links to her past. I have no doubt at all she knows her behaviour and treatment of you and your DH is unacceptable. As others have mentioned she's full of pent up anger.

Also, I think you should stop comparing her to her mother. You appear to have sided with your son over the break up of their marriage, so your opinion of her mother will be colouring your thinking and in your dealings with your GD. You need to put your thoughts about her mother to one side and focus on supporting your GD going forward. This is whether she comes back to live with you or not.

Get some advice while you have breathing space and she's sofa surfing. At least you can send her text messages to keep in touch with her in the meantime.

Frankly, doglady, since she left right away, I imagine she was ready to leave. Probably she was unhappy with the situation, herself, since she wasn't getting things her way, or at least not without an argument. You've done your best by her - she didn't know when she had it good - and that's all you can do. Hopefully, being on her own will teach her what your loving help couldn't.

Quizqueen & loopyloo, read more carefully. Doglady has already told gd she would have to move out and gd has already left.

Hello again doglady1, I think there is some evidence she may have mental instability possibly like her mother, the lies could be a sign. However, as much as you can, try not to dwell on this but keep in mind, for whatever reason, you are not dealing with a reasonable person. This means the outcomes you would hope for in meeting her and discussing her future are very unlikely to happen, at least not right now. Sending her a text to say you love and care about her is good. You do not need to do more. You really must look after yourself and your husband. Please, I entreat you, put yours and his needs above anything else. I really think you have given her all the support you can and she has demonstrated that she cannot live within your home without damaging your security and health. She is an adult. She has to be responsible for her own decisions. Please do not give her money. If she needs it for something like rent, then go with her and make the payment yourself if that is what you want to do. As a psychologist I am saddened to think a person may be "branded" with mental instability. The causes of mental instability are legion and some people may be more at risk than others. Mental illness can be diagnosed but the diagnosis is never made lightly and once made support should be offered. The range of mental illnesses is so vast and so different that I could not talk about it here. I would simply address her behaviour, learn from experience, understand that she will not change over night and avoid being manipulated. I cannot say it strongly enough - please put yourself and your husband first.

Thank you all so much for your advice. I have also had concerns whether she has inherited her mothers mental health problems, or just developed some of her own.

She seems to lie about everything all the time, exaggerating things that have happened and flat out making stuff up. She forgets who she has told what to so gets found out easily.This is probably a self defence mechanism for the difficult years she spent with her mother.I am hoping that this is just a teenage thing, I didn't want her branded with mental instability.

I will keep the door open( although from what I hear I am at the moment the devil incarnate according to her), the suggestion of a meeting on neutral ground is a great idea, but I think I will let the dust settle for a couple of weeks. I will pass the info regarding YMCA etc. to her dad, maybe she will listen to him

Dog!ady I think you’ve done everything you could do. Try not to feel guilty.

I’ve come across this scenario before when grandparents took in a disfunctional grandchild and that too ended in disaster and the young adult was told to leave.

You are now continuing to do everything feasible to support her emotionally (all credit to you) but supporting is one thing 'carrying' is another and is of no help to anyone in the long term.

Yes she is damaged. So are millions of young people. Her childhood is not her fault. However it is her responsibility to work through her issues and grow up. You cannot put up with this and you have every right to tell her to go.

Help her sort a place out so she knows your still there for her however be firm that it is time she lived on her own as you cannot manage the lifestyle she wishes go live.

She then wont be rowing with you as in her own place she can do as she pleases and take the responsibilty she needs too

Doing the sums on your GDs variable income, she is spending £400 to £600 weekly.
You need to ask yourself what is this sizeable lump of moneys is buying.
I know you previously stated that you found no evidence of drug parafanalia, however, would you know or be able to identify what a "wrap" was?
I do hope you and DH can resolve this.

Doglady1 For what it’s worth, I think you have done the right thing. You have not thrown a vulnerable young girl out, you have simply set reasonable boundaries which she is choosing to leave, rather than respect. She may even thank you one day if she eventually learns something from this.

In the long term you would probably do this girl the favour of a lifetime by sitting her down and telling her kindly but firmly that she has been told to find another place to live as she clearly has no respect for you or her grandfather and has caused you both a great deal of unhappiness; in view of her grandfather's health this cannot continue and you also feel that it is time she learned some of the real facts of life. I would add that you will always love her, be pleased to see her etc. but the boundaries have been completely overstepped and life needs to change. End of. I would not discuss, argue, or help with anything, just give her a date that suits you when she must leave. Ignore entreaties - she has friends, she has money, and she clearly has enough cheek right now to look after herself. You have gone above end beyond what is fair and kind, and she needs a good old reality check.