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AIBU

to be asked to contribute?

(85 Posts)
granoffour Thu 08-Feb-18 12:01:45

I have recently joined a local bookclub - only one meet-up so far . Everyone seems very nice (there are about 8-10 of us). All new faces to me even though I've been in the area for a few years now. The one lady is moving to Spain next week so I got an email from one of the women asking to contribute £15 towards her leaving gift. I've only met her once and haven't had more than a brief chat. I rely on my pension and I don't have a lot of spare cash. I wouldn't object if she was a friend of course but I don't want to cause bad feeling though as I've just joined the group. It's a bit awkward. Any ideas on how I should handle this?

Nanny41 Fri 09-Feb-18 15:22:26

That is a lot of money no matter what, why doesnt everyone give £5 if there are eight to ten of you, that will be a reasonable amount, and quite fair I think. I think the lady in question would feel embarrased if she knew how much people were giving as a leaving gift. You just give as much as you feel is reasonable, after all its the thought that counts.

Maggiemaybe Fri 09-Feb-18 14:59:01

I wouldn’t even give a card or gift. You don’t really know this woman and it’s possible she wouldn’t know you from Adam if you met in the street, after one brief chat! She won’t be expecting anything. I’ve been in my book group for 10 years and we meet up every six weeks or so, but we don’t do presents or cards, ever. £15 per head is ridiculous, in my opinion - you need to bear this conspicuous giving in mind if you stay in the group. Is this going to be the norm for each birthday, etc?

Barmeyoldbat Fri 09-Feb-18 14:31:32

Even £5 is a lot

willa45 Fri 09-Feb-18 14:29:43

I wouldn't talk about my personal finances with people I hardly know. You are a newcomer and that is sufficient excuse for ignoring the request. You also don't owe them an explanation but if any one of them is cheeky enough to push, you can say something like 'I haven't been a member here long enough so I'm sure you'll understand if I choose not to participate at this time'.

As some here have suggested, I would instead seek an appropriate opportunity to offer her a nice card with a short note and a small gift. She will likely remember you and appreciate your gesture much more than if you simply give the others your money.

Lilyflower Fri 09-Feb-18 14:00:14

Fifteen pounds is too much to ask for so donate, say, a fiver as a gesture of goodwill. My own book group is full of ultra rich ladies and I am constantly mugged for money which I do not have have. It's a bother but I count it as my membership ticket money.

Persistentdonor Fri 09-Feb-18 12:20:52

Even for established long term members £15 seems a lot to me. What are they buying? A plane??

Newquay Fri 09-Feb-18 12:13:25

If it were a round robin I would be pleased you're going to be notified of things and I would simply ignore it!
If it were sent to me personally I would say, as others have said, that as you've only met her once you don't want to contribute to a gift.
You don't owe any explanation why either-you don't know these folk yet so keep private matters private.

DaisyMig Fri 09-Feb-18 12:10:03

I would just ignore it and I think that the lady who asked for such a large donation really overstepped the mark.
Such giving should be totally left to the person giving, whether to give or not, and to choose their own amount. As for the person leaving - does she expect a gift at all? Does she really want yet another item to pack and clutter up her new home? I wouldn’t, and would be embarrassed to be given one. Are all members who leave given a gift? If so, could be a rather expensive group to belong to!
I left all that kind of ‘duty giving’ behind when I retired. My friends and I manage to express our care for each other without being materialistic about it.

GabriellaG Fri 09-Feb-18 12:08:30

...and I definitely wouldn't explain my finances. It's not relevant and none of their business.

Fellowfeeling8 Fri 09-Feb-18 12:06:23

Outrageous! Don’t be pressured. x

GrannyHaggis Fri 09-Feb-18 12:06:01

Wonder what kind of present is being bought!!!
If it were me I'd just sign a communal card( I'm assuming there'll be one) and leave it at that.
Wouldn't give a present/card either as you've only met the person once.

GabriellaG Fri 09-Feb-18 12:06:00

Tell the truth. Just say that you only met once and spoke briefly, therefore you don't feel that it's appropriate for you to contribute on this occasion.
Personally, I think that £15 each is a lot to fork out for a group leaving present, no matter whether you've known her for a week or 5 years. If it was a wedding or something for a close friend or celebration, yes. Otherwise I would politely decline and wouldn't feel in the least bit guilty.
8 or 10 of you × £15 = £120-150. Ridiculous.

Bridgeit Fri 09-Feb-18 12:03:00

I agree with Lemongrove, it will be a nice gesture

missytilley Fri 09-Feb-18 11:57:58

Sounds like it just went to everyone automatically but even still that's alot to ask for and it should be a token Goodwill not a set price either

Mads Fri 09-Feb-18 11:48:53

I hate those things when you have to give a joint gift, it works out more expensive than giving an individual one. I agree with the sentiments given above. I think it was wrong of them to ask a newcomer and also are you going to have a say in what is purchased? I think the lady who is off to Spain must be pretty well off anyway. Does she need a big present?

dizzygran Fri 09-Feb-18 11:39:10

I agree. I have been in my book club for six years and no way would we give that amount of money to someone leaving. Ignore the email and if asked just say that as you have only attended one meeting and have not had a chance yet to get to know people you didn't think it applied to you. I don't think it is reasonable to expect you, as a very new member, to contribute anything. Don't worry or feel bad about it - it is totally out of order to include you this time and if it happens again just say that you have a limit of £5 (or whatever) for this type of collection. I'm sure most of the other members will agree with you.

JanaNana Fri 09-Feb-18 11:35:31

As a group gift I mean, not from you personally.

JanaNana Fri 09-Feb-18 11:32:39

Wow, some gift! Ten of you is £ 150 or eight of you £120! Exactly what sort of gifts do they give at this group. Make a mental note to yourself for the future here. A nice bouquet of flowers and a lovely card should be plenty.

leeds22 Fri 09-Feb-18 11:30:38

My first reaction was that it was a round robin to all the group members, so would probably ignore it. I think £15 is an inappropriately large amount to ask under any circumstances.

maddyone Fri 09-Feb-18 11:25:13

I wouldn’t ignore it myself, but given the circumstances I would do as others have suggested and give a token amount. You’ve only met the lady once so a large contribution is inappropriate even if you felt you could afford it, and since you can’t afford it, a token amount is more than acceptable. I’m sure the other gransnetters are right, it’s probably a round robin email.

TillyWhiz Fri 09-Feb-18 11:22:47

I understand your anxiety, that would worry me too but I certainly couldn't afford that and it's a ridiculous amount to ask. However, methinks other members will be feeling exactly like you and when you've been there longer, you will realise this.

Nannapat1 Fri 09-Feb-18 11:22:46

It does seem a very large amount, even for those who know her. I'd ignore the email too.

Peardrop50 Fri 09-Feb-18 11:14:10

Gosh, that’s unfair, you shouldn’t have been put in that position. I agree with other Grans. Just explain that you’ve only met once and though the lady seems very pleasant you don’t feel that you can afford such a large contribution but obviously wish her well in her new venture.

driverann Fri 09-Feb-18 11:08:04

£15 is a lot for someone you don’t know. I would ignore the email. I belong to an life painting group as the model, I am booked two afternoons per week. At Christmas the members give me a box of biscuits a box of chocolates and a bottle of wine. I am delighted with that.

sarahellenwhitney Fri 09-Feb-18 11:06:35

Eight or ten members times £15 now that is some present.shock What is this 'leaving gift' that warrants that amount..
Over the top and the fact you have only attended one meeting you should not be expected to contribute or at least the opportunity to give what you can afford.I do not wish to offend but do you really need a ' book' club or is it the company you are looking for.?