Abandoned

My sister's DS has done something similar ie taken money but never visits though they see the GC occasionally because their mother allows it. He suffers from depression and possibly BPD, paranoia as the result of a head injury and doesn't live with his children any more. I wonder if your DS has some personal tragedy like that? Terribly sad for you. As others have suggested - it's not your fault. Writing letters might help. It can't hurt anyway and it may help you.

Dear Cuckoo22 this is heart-breaking. And the worst part is not knowing why. I have no answers but many questions. My hope is the Q's help prompt possible avenues to explore.

Is this in your son's character that he could simply cut off without a backward glance? Or that he could be afraid of his wife?
I'm also wondering if they live far away? Are they still at their last known address?
Essentially I suppose I am wondering what is making it so easy for him to continue like this. The obvious reason might be 'because they can' - there is no-one around (family member) to reproach them. Is that how he ticks? How did you respond when they started to loosen contact?

I wonder if you ever met / are in contact with daughter in law's family? Or son's friends?

I am not implying that you should stalk them by proxy but I do think you might think of other ways you can get the message across to them that you deserve an explanation.Their behaviour is despicable.

Other posters are right when they say the grandchildren will grow curious as they grow up. I wish you much luck and resolve. Big hugs.

I feel for you, you have done the best for your son, that's it .i don't know if Britain have Widow clubs, Canada does . I have met while on holiday so many lovely women, pat pf the widows club ,who have lost their husbands but have got THIER lives together . There is a group of 85 of them here this week has n the Caribbean. Does not solve the problem with your son, that is down to him. Keep in touch with grandkids, but make a life for yourself.

Cuckoo22, it sounds like you don' know much about your DS's relationship, and whether he is happy and just selfish, or has been sucked into a partnership where he dare not have contact. I am not sure what means of trying communication are open to you, but if you have a current address or email address, you could write one more time and simply explain that you have been worried about the lack of contact, but are there for him if he needs you. If your DIL is on the BPD spectrum (look it up if you don't know what I mean) it would explain why you are subject to hateful treatment, and you may find some helpful info on websites like bpd family - just an idea

Cuckoo22,it is so sad to hear, try to have a social life, you will be an asset to any group, they will love having you.Do NOT leave any more money in your will they have had enough from you, maybe money in trust for the grandchildren.Take care, I hope things get better.
Lots of hugs

So sorry Cuckoo22 that your only son is treating you like this. I do not think it would help to visit or turn up out side school or sons work etc. I think it is better just to remember their birthdays and Christmas with cards and a small gift.

Write a memoir of your life, your husbands and your son's growing up. Have a copy made for each child so that at the right time they will receive them.

Start enjoying your own life. Have holidays go to classes expand your network of relationships.

Do you have a face book page? When your gradchildren are old enough they may wish to contact you.

Do hope things get better for you.

I agree with exaltedwombat. A lot of your posts refer to how much money you have given them. Whilst I truly sympathise with your heartbreaking situation I can't help wondering if the money is an issue.

I am so sorry like others I could cry too for you. I have a similar situation albeit I do see my CG but its been a struggle for 13 years and as time goes on I see them less and less. i wonder too about the future. Its not you, you cant control this so you cant change it- just the way it affects you. Keep busy and do what you want to do, as difficult as it might seem maybe some voluntary work with children? Do ring your son every now and again whether he answers or not just to say you are here, yes do send the GC letters, i do that , and do leave everything in the will to them or another good cause. lots of love & hugs. x

Please GN get rid of that annoying pop-up for Facebook! Do not want to be on Facebook so if this continues will probably have to give up trying to read the leading post or quit GN!

I think that is very sad and hurtful and you are probably a lovely person. I remember once an insurance man visiting us at night mentioned he had come out at night to avoid his mother as she was a very proud mother of an only child who was visiting and it was sickening to listen to her boasting to his wife of his achievements. He felt it was reason enough to complain bitterly Perhaps and maybe. Surely there is a nice way to hint at unhappiness than ignore and avoid your mother. A lot of people would love to feel their parents were proud and delighted with with them. Life is strange.

Hello cuckoo, so sorry to hear your story.

Do you know where your son works? could you "accidentally" bump into him outside or near where he works, maybe at lunch time if he comes out of work or at home time then maybe you'll get to speak to him.

Are you able to speak to your son and explain how you feel? Is he available on the telephone?

Act now, before the distance between you is so great it cannot ever be rectified and you will always ask yourself why.

When you contact them, don't mention the money. Not at all. Not even a little mention. Got it?

Livey

Lovely
That made me cry. How terribly sad. ⚘⚘

Cuckoo I'm so sorry my heart breaks for you but I feel the same as old Meg change your will why would you want to leave it to the ungrateful pair. And go on a holiday you never know you might meet someone live your life ?
Daisyboots it didn't occurred to me but your right so much for having a confidential chat with like minded people who want to chew the fat!!

Wimble54, thanks for that post it was so full of information, people do need suport, this situation is multiple bereavements. It is so much more than just family fall out.

I don't think until you have been treated this way that you have any idea how bereft you feel, people think it will 'blow over' and all be OK again. It has been 15 years for us since my daughter took herself and the children off and we have no idea why.

So good to know that there is support out there.

I feel for you Cuckoo and want to give you a hug.

On the basis of what you have said it sounds like your DIL is a selfish, controlling, spoilt bitch. Your son may be under her thumb but he is an adult and if he can cut his own mother off in this way then he is very selfish and spoilt too, with not one ounce of compassion between them.

As they have clearly cut you off in many ways then what you are doing so far regarding gifts is all you can do. If it was me I would write all my feelings and thoughts about the situation in a letter clearly stating their shortcomings toward you, listing everything. I would then lodge this with my Solicitor along with my will leaving everything I own to someone else (even the cat and dog shelter).

I would instruct the Solicitor when reading the will to read out the letter to all present (your son and DIL would be requested to be present) stating no further reason for the asset distribution needed.

I hope you have a rich and fulfilling life in other ways and do not dwell on their selfish asses.

I have just been on the FB page of GN. Every topic that is sent by email is now being posted on their page. So when it comes to topics of a personal nature be very careful because it can be seen by anyone who looks on the GN page. I will certainly be thinking twice about what I post which is very sad because when it comes to personal topics the members GN have been very helpful.

Children love getting post. You could send them a postcard every month. If you know phone number ring when you think ds will answer and tell him you wish to meet up with him. If dil answers hang up. See what he says.

Cuckoo I am so sorry, but you are by no means the only one. Something similar happened to me about 5 years ago – I had looked after my young grandson up to 5 times a week since he was born, and then as soon as he got to nursery school age, for reasons best known to herself, my daughter cut me out of their lives.

I tried everything, and eventually last year started up a support group for non-contact grandparents in Worcestershire where I live. We meet once a month over tea and cakes, to have a chat, and although everyone’s story is different (and I have heard some truly horrifying stories) I have to say that meeting and talking with others in a similar position has made an immense difference. When this first happened I couldn’t talk about it, and cut myself off from much of my social circle, fearing that others would be judgmental – and I’m sorry to say that one person was.

There are a number of such independent support groups throughout the UK. The usual advice given in these cases is to contact Grandparents Plus, but frankly, I have not found them to be much use. A few years ago the emphasis of this organisation switched from helping non-contact grandparents to helping those who are actually bringing up their grandchildren. I think the reasons were financial, but they do at least have contact details of some of the local support groups. A better bet is the Bristol Grandparents’ Support Group, started by Jane Jackson about 11 years ago. Their website is well worth looking at, and includes a more comprehensive list of local groups. Their reach extends throughout the UK – Jane and her husband helped me to set up our group in Worcestershire.

You are probably aware that as matters stand, in UK law grandparents have no legal rights of contact, although they can apply through the courts to obtain this. However, anyone considering going down this route should be warned – you need a thick skin to deal with the adversarial approach, and ideally a thick wallet as there is no Legal Aid, however there is nothing to prevent you from representing yourself, or engaging a McKenzie Friend to help you. For years, celebrity lawyer Vanessa Lloyd Platt has campaigned for the removal of the initial stage of seeking Leave of the Court.

Within the last year, there have been a number of moves to try to change this unsatisfactory situation. Last March, following a Parliamentary Lobby Day in Westminster Hall, a national petition was launched on the Petition Parliament website, but unfortunately this was cancelled because of the snap General Election. The issue has been debated in Parliament and last November was raised in Prime Minister’s Questions. In October, Jane Jackson and her husband, plus Dame Esther Rantzen who is Patron of the Bristol Support Group met in Westminster for discussions with Nigel Huddleston MP and the then Minister of State for Justice Dominic Raab, and a Green Paper was to have been drafted, as I understand it, with a view to a change in the law. Unfortunately, following the recent Cabinet reshuffle, the position is unclear.

A few months ago, a petition was launched on the Change.org website by Vivienne Strazzanti. I hope that as many people as possible will sign it : -

www.change.org/p/uk-parliament-support-the-rights-of-children-to-access-grandparents-and-wider-family/nftexp/ex16/v2/54034022?recruiter=54034022&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=autopublish&utm_term=share_petition&utm_content=ex16%3Av2

I’m sorry this post has been so long, but I hope it will give you some food for thought and a possible way forward. For my part, I am leaving everything in my Will to my grandson, if possible with a letter explaining what has happened. I have told my daughter as much in a letter, so that if she still refuses to see sense she will have only herself to blame for any fallout, perhaps many years down the line.

I’d be inclined to turn up on their doorstep too, and if we didn’t get anything resolved, I certainly wouldn’t be leaving anything for them ( though maybe a small amount and a letter for the children)
I’d get much more pleasure out of giving money away to people I knew needed it, or even could do with a treat.

My son has done the same to my DH and myself. My sympathies are with you...
I am only grateful that he and his wife have no children, at least I don't think they have !
I see him most nights in my dreams, as the lovely little boy he was.

i see my son and his family on average about once a year at christmas.
they live 100 miles away from me and, at the moment i'm unable to drive because of chronic arhtritis in my left knee - my clutch foot.
they turn the ringer of their landline off at night because it wakes their girls and my son doesn't anwer his mobile then either.
my daughter lives with me but she works on a monday and alternate saturdays so she's too tired to drive 200 miles in one day so we don't go to see them.
i send birthday cards to all if them generally with a £20 note so they can buy what they want and i usually get a card with money tucked inside it for my birthday.
thankfully all presents are acknowledged generally by text and arrangements for christmas are also usually made by text too.
this has gone on for many years and i've come to accept that this will continue until i'm able to drive again.
the thing which buoys me up is that however long it is between chatting (either face to face or the rare phone calls) we can talk about anything under the sun just as if it was only yesterday that we last spoke.
his two girls do however know who i am and it's lovely to see how they get in with their cousins (my daughter's two girls who are a little older than my son's two).
i just accept that they have their life and i have mine.

So sorry for you.
That pair are evil reincarnated!
As others have said, try to make another life so that at least some of your time and thoughts are otherwise occupied.