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Abandoned

(95 Posts)
Cuckoo22 Fri 09-Feb-18 13:20:22

I haven’t seen or spoken to my grandchildren for over a year. Since my son married 9 years ago he has slowly been cutting me off. I haven’t seen him for over a year and he makes and accepts no contact. He’s had thousands off me but doesn’t want to know me now. I’ve searched my soul and can’t find anything I’ve done and also asked. I’m devastated to lose the only family/ relatives I have. Any advice please.

Luckygirl Fri 09-Feb-18 13:27:22

So sorry to hear this. Is he your only child? flowers

Nonnie Fri 09-Feb-18 13:39:05

I have no advice, just sympathy. I know what it is like to have a DiL cut a DS off from his family and wonder if this is the case with you. flowers

Parklife1 Fri 09-Feb-18 13:42:39

No advice, only sympathy for you. Do you send cards/presents to the grandchildren. I make sure that I regularly send things to the grandchild I don’t see. It may not get a response, but it is a contact and when they are older, they might just question why they don’t see you.

Cuckoo22 Fri 09-Feb-18 13:42:50

Yes. My only child and I have no other relatives at all. My husband died 16 years ago and had no family either.

Cuckoo22 Fri 09-Feb-18 13:49:57

I send cards, lots of Easter eggs, but now just put money away into an account for each of them every birthday and Christmas as I know they have everything already, and we’re havingeverything. Other grandparents are rich, and I don’t even know what they like or would like any more, or that they would even see any gifts from me.

silverlining48 Fri 09-Feb-18 13:53:43

That is very sad. Assume you have been in contact with him about this? Is there no response? I dont know what to say other than I hope that things do improve. It must be so hard for you. Sending good wishes.
.

elena Fri 09-Feb-18 13:56:57

Was there anything between you and your daughter in law that might have triggered this? Have you written a nice letter saying how sad you are and how you miss them? Did you give or lend your son money.....is he worried about paying you back, perhaps?

Cuckoo22 Fri 09-Feb-18 14:26:16

I gave them £45 thousand pounds, told him it was not to be paid back. It gave them the opportunity to buy the house they wanted at the time. I also paid for his university up to Masters level. I haven’t said or done anything. I’ve always kept a low profile and never questioned,criticised or commented on anything. My DiL is a very volatile person and I wouldn’t dare say anything. I’ve written how sad it all makes me and how I miss them and love them but with no response. They just don’t need me any more I suppose.

Nonnie Fri 09-Feb-18 15:27:44

Oh Cuckoo I am so sorry, this really resonates with me and nothing I did was any good at all. DS did eventually get back in touch but only because his marriage was breaking up. It is possible your DiL is telling him it is her or you and he really has no choice. I don't think you will ever know.

I think I would write to him every year on his birthday, maybe even enclose a photo of him as a little boy each time, tell him you still love him and would really like to hear from him and then leave it until the following year. He would be very hard hearted not to appreciate that. Make no demands just show you love him. flowers

OldMeg Fri 09-Feb-18 15:44:34

I’d be tempted to write a new will leaving my money to an Animal Charity and send them a copy. But then I’m like that and you are obviously a much nicer person.

So sorry to read your OP.

morethan2 Fri 09-Feb-18 16:52:39

sad oh CuckooI hope that things are resolved one day. In the meantime try to make a life for yourself with friends or groups anything to help you cope with so much sadness.

BlueBelle Fri 09-Feb-18 18:15:52

Gosh this is sad my heart goes out to you Cuckoo this is heart breaking as you can think of no reason behind it you are doing the right thing to put money away for the grandchildren I just hope for you that one day they will be able to meet up with you
💐

cornergran Fri 09-Feb-18 19:06:26

I wish it was possible to say something to help you change this cuckoo, I’m so very sad for you and can almost feel your hurt. Sadly you can’t change your son or daughter in law, all you can do is try to minimise the pain you feel. If you are able to I think morethan is right, focus your life elsewhere, enjoy your friends do as much as you are physically able. The relationship with your family may change one day, but so sadly it doesn’t sound as if you can do more to change it. Hang on in there, talk to us when it helps. I’m so sorry you have this pain,

Luckylegs9 Fri 09-Feb-18 19:20:25

Cuckoo22, first of all I could cry for you, how could they do this to you? Then I felt they need telling, they don't see you anyway, why don't you write to them telling them how you feel or I would go round and see them, not to be confrontational and face them. If you have never done either of these things you coukd hardly be accused of interference. You will know where you stand at least. Then whatever money you do have treat yourself, have a holiday, if you can afford it a long cruise, anything to make your life better. You have put him and his family first, you tried to help them as a family, you are the bigger person here, don't let them demoralise you, if it sent for you he wouldn't be where he is, if he doesn't know that he's a fool.

Orange123 Fri 09-Feb-18 19:20:27

Cuckoo22 this is the saddest story I've heard in a long time. You must be heartbroken.

I have no answers for you just a suggestion in case it applies

Where I live, a grandparent can petition the court for visitation rights to their grandchildren. The details vary greatly from state to state, but the court can, and often does, grant this request if it is found to be in the best interest of the child (grandchild). Is there any such recourse available where you live?

Anniebach Fri 09-Feb-18 19:38:21

I would still save money for the grandchildren, they are not responsible for their fathers decisions , I am so sorry x

Luckylegs9 Fri 09-Feb-18 20:14:02

Apologies Cuckoo, I missed where you said you had written explaining how you feel. My daughter did the same to me, she has a very privileged life and left me behind. My granddaughter has got in touch with me but I have, like you missed so much and my heart broke, but we owe it to ourselves to make a life and know it's not easy,but you can do it.💐

Cuckoo22 Fri 09-Feb-18 22:08:36

Thank you all for your love and support. It really helps. I don’t feel quite so alone. I am so sorry to hear this has happened to others. I really didn’t want to open old wounds for anyone and I just thought it was me having this huge sorrow. I’m going to continue to try and get through. A suggestion I have had is to also post birthday cards for the children to my address at the same time as I send to theirs, keep them unopened and then when, if they get in contact as adults, andask why you never remembered their birthdays show them and tell them that they just never got the ones you sent or whatever is appropriate to say at the time. I just feel my heart breaking a little more each day, but thank you all again.

Alexa Sat 10-Feb-18 00:10:39

Cuckoo22, I send you my best wishes. I think your birthday cards idea is very good and clever. Picture postcards are not used much these days, but perhaps you could send each child a ppc of somewhere fascinating even if it's only an intriguing pic of a dinosaur in your local museum or something, a different pic for each child. With a funny or inconsequential message. I bet they would like that. It is so unusual to receive a handwritten message through the post.

Luckylegs9 Sat 10-Feb-18 06:42:22

Cuckoo, I have always continued to send cards and gifts. Your idea is a good one, to send one to your address. There is a support thread under relationships for those of us who are estranged just like you. You are not alone, please don't think that. There is always a chance things will improve, but meanwhile try not to dwell and find things to do that you enjoy.

BlueBelle Sat 10-Feb-18 06:56:04

Why spend postage money to send the second card to your address ( it could get lost in the post) why not just keep in a box for each child with anything you think appropriate put in at Christmas and birthdays a little heart shaped stone or a simple piece of jewellery age appropriate Each year and write it in your will that these are left to each child then if you never get to meet them ( big hopes and prayers you do) they at least they will know how much you loved and cared about them

Cuckoo22 Sat 10-Feb-18 09:03:09

Thank you BlueBelle, I think the idea was that it would show a dated postmark. I have a memory box that all sorts of things go into and maybe some smaller things as you suggest would be good.
Thank you Luckylegs9 it’s helped to have support from you all. Alexa: I’ve been avoiding going into places where people are with their children or grandchildren because it makes me cry, but must get the courage to go out and the postcard idea will give me a purpose.

KatyK Sat 10-Feb-18 10:35:47

So sad. I sometimes think that the more parents do for their children out of kindness, the more they expect it and take it as no more than we should do. flowers for you Cuckoo

henetha Sat 10-Feb-18 10:43:28

This is appalling. I am so sorry for your situation and do hope that your son will one day wake up and realise how unkind he is being. Is he totally under his wife's influence, do you think?