Abandoned

Maybe a letter explaining how u feel. Life is so busy now and whilst shouldn’t be used as an excuse they may not realise how much this hurts you x

I agree with Alchemilla. No confrontation as I fear it may upset you further. And why should you subject yourself to further upset? No, treat yourself gently, make plans to fill your life and lay down memories and an inheritance for the GCs. Meantime,

OP I wouldn't confront them or go to law. I think writing a history of you and your family and putting in photos and what you think would be a lovely thing for your GCs in the future, and yes to the double cards so they know you have always thought about them. I would however go to a solicitor to adapt your will to what's appropriate - perhaps leaving everything in trust to your GCs so it goes entirely to them and can't be touched by either your DS or DIL.

I am just so sorry you’re in this horrible situation Cuckoo. Lots of good advice on here from some in the same position. I am hoping against hope that it somehow works out for you.

I would go knock at their door. Face to face is the only way you will resolve this. Hugs for you x

Do you live near enough to see them without having to stay over? Are the children at school yet?

If you wanted to, you might get a court order granting you access but it might cause even more hard feelings and not work out well, although if you just asked that you be allowed to see them once a year and send birthday cards/ presents - it might work and be better than nothing. As long as they know you exist, it is only a matter of time before they will start asking questions, and making their own mind up about things.

I am so sorry for you, it is very hard. .

Sorry about typos - meant brother, aunts,etc.

Cuckoo - sorry to hear your story.

This may sound a silly question, but have you thought about turning up on their doorstep and asking if you can come in?

I have a friend in the same situation as you and her DS is no longer allowed to see any of his own family, including his borther, uncles, anuts, cousins, etc. They will never be told the truth about why they have been cut off.

They keep a box for each of the GCs putting in birthday cards and gifts and will leave just a token amount in their wills to the DS with the bulk going to their other DS and the 2 GCs in a trust. There is also a letter addressed to the DIL to be opened after their deaths.

If you know where the GCs go to school I suppose you could turn up at the school gate to catch a glimpse of them? Not sure this is a good strategy though.

So sorry to hear yours and others sadness over this. Just a thought as you haven’t had contact for a year is there a chance they may have moved and not received your letters etc. I hope you have some nice friends to take you for a coffee etc.Sending hugs.

Cuckoo I am so sorry. How they can do that to you when you are on your own beats me. I can only send good wishes and the hope that the situation changes.

I am sorry. I know this scenario first hand. What helps me most, is that it does seem to be completely normal, as witnessed here on GN time after time.

The inexplicable breakdown of releationships is a phenomenon that blights the lives of many. There are no answers. Some simple steps you can take as others have mentioned but the biggest thing is to recognise that this, acutely heart wrenching situation, is just that, nothing you say or do or did or didn't do will change it.

You just don't deserve this treatment Cuckoo. Heart breaking.

So sorry you're being treated this way.I can think of nothing more painful than being excluded from seeing GCs as they grow up.I'll be honest my own DD rings to be' talked down' when her partner's mum has been round.But she does make comments,ignores requests for what to feed DGD ,even dressing her in clothes she thinks are more appropriate than the ones DD leaves out .Plenty of reasons to get annoyed!You sound lovely and as if you've been very aware of not encroaching or interferring.What annoys our DD the most is his mum barely even registered her sons existence until they had a baby,very focused on her much younger son from a 2nd marriage,but now expects their schedule to fit in with hers re visits.
However,DD accepts it's his mum,and her DDs Grandma,and from day one I have said don't leave her out.Its hard for mums of sons sometimes.I'm shocked at some of the threads I read on Mumsnet where some DIL s take umbrage at the slightest thing,almost looking for an excuse to cut off the MIL and keep their family unit very insular,or just including the chosen few.
You sound to have been so supportive towards your son through his education, and that's a huge help towards a house.Of course it's never a given that when you give you get back.We've helped all of ours through uni ,further training and a small amount towards houses.Not as generous but we do have 3.DH has always said he'll be happy if they just want to come and see him from time to time when he's an old man.Hopefully we've led by example by being there for our elderly parents.
What is so sad is that even doing all the right things as parent,trying not to interfere but you still get ostracised because it would seem a small number of women feel unable to 'share ' their DHs. I find it unfathomable. Even if it's a case of the son visiting his mum with the DC on his own.Then the DIL gets some precious time to herself, and grandma gets to build a relationship.
I really hope your son rethinks things and gets in touch.In the meantime I hope you have good friends and neighbours to lighten some of the sadness .

Cuckoo, is there any way of initiating contact via the other set of GPS? I am so sorry that this is happening to you.

I have no advice but want to send you and my love x

Cuckoo, This is just to say that ostracising any human being is a wicked thing to do for whatever reason. Ostracising says more about the person doing it than the victim.

You are so wise and right to know who you are ;that's to say you are your son's mother and your loyalty is for him. I do admire you for rising above the unpleasantness.
However, your own soul is important and do protect yourself.

I’ve been blocked from social media, even though I have never commented in any way so I can’t event see pictures of my grandchildren any more. I’m sure it’s to do with my D I L. She has always been controlling from day 1 have always tried to be non judgemental and very quiet around her to keep the peace although she has said hurtful things for no reason. I am so worried that one day she will cutoff my son too. I will always be here for him though.

Hi Cuckoo, think the ideas given are good. Maybe even write a journal? Just something that the children might one day be able to read so that they get to know you? Hopefully you get to see them long before, but if not, leave it to them in your will. Just little bits here and there about you, what you go, what you like and don’t like. All the little personal things do that they can visualise you as a real person, not just s vague name or old photo. I write one just talking about, well, alsorts really. It’s such a heartsore situation and I truly do hope you can find some kind of peace or solace soon. X

I think I'd just turn up on your son's doorstep and say with a big grin , Thought I'd come and see if you're still alive".

I think so henetha. I worry for him and my grandchildren in the future. I just pray he will one day talk to me. I’ve never said anything to him about this as I know it wouldn’t go well.

This is appalling. I am so sorry for your situation and do hope that your son will one day wake up and realise how unkind he is being. Is he totally under his wife's influence, do you think?

So sad. I sometimes think that the more parents do for their children out of kindness, the more they expect it and take it as no more than we should do. for you Cuckoo

Thank you BlueBelle, I think the idea was that it would show a dated postmark. I have a memory box that all sorts of things go into and maybe some smaller things as you suggest would be good.
Thank you Luckylegs9 it’s helped to have support from you all. Alexa: I’ve been avoiding going into places where people are with their children or grandchildren because it makes me cry, but must get the courage to go out and the postcard idea will give me a purpose.

Why spend postage money to send the second card to your address ( it could get lost in the post) why not just keep in a box for each child with anything you think appropriate put in at Christmas and birthdays a little heart shaped stone or a simple piece of jewellery age appropriate Each year and write it in your will that these are left to each child then if you never get to meet them ( big hopes and prayers you do) they at least they will know how much you loved and cared about them

Cuckoo, I have always continued to send cards and gifts. Your idea is a good one, to send one to your address. There is a support thread under relationships for those of us who are estranged just like you. You are not alone, please don't think that. There is always a chance things will improve, but meanwhile try not to dwell and find things to do that you enjoy.