Gransnet forums


Things You Should Never, Ever Say Over Text or Email

(60 Posts)
luzdoh Mon 12-Feb-18 14:40:34

Admittedly this subject was prompted from Reader's Digest having the same article, but it brought back to me three awful emails I received. The main one years ago, which still hurts badly. That one said that a dear friend, living a few doors from my mother's, (over 200 miles from me) had died. His death was sudden, he was not that old, from an only just discovered brain tumour. I did not see the email. I get so may because, since being disabled, I shop so much by internet, emails can get drowned. I then met his Widow, a dear friend too, next time I was there, which was for my own mother's funeral. I did not know her husband had died. It was so awful. It still upsets me. The sender of the death announcement by email had the gall to say to me, cockily, in front of everyone, "Don't forget to check your emails in future." She is older than I, married to my cousin and I have known her since I was a schoolgirl. Am I wrong to be upset that I did not see the email? Are we supposed to read every single one, every day? If so I have to stop receiving them. I feel it was inappropriate of her not to phone me with this terrible news. We have known each other for 60+ years!

grumppa Tue 13-Feb-18 12:35:33

An email, like the fax before it, is a letter sent by more rapid means. I would be more than happy for my relicts to let my friends know by email when I finally hand in my dinner pail. Rather that than Facebook or text.

annodomini Tue 13-Feb-18 12:47:08

Gmail separates my emails into three categories: Primary, Social and Promotions. I usually do a bulk deletion of the Promotions!

Smileless2012 Tue 13-Feb-18 13:24:52

You didn't see the email luzdoh, you didn't deliberately ignore it and it's perfectly understandable that failing to see it has upset you.

I wouldn't say it was inappropriate for your cousins wife to pass on this sad news via email but it was most certainly inappropriate for her to say to you, in front of others, "Don't forget to check your emails in future". Have I read your OP correctly? Did she say that to you in front of the deceased's widow when you'd seen her for the first time for your mother's funeralshock.

Jalima1108 Tue 13-Feb-18 14:04:01

My email account does that too anno, I always have a quick skim through Promotions first before deleting.

Having said that, DH does have a list of three or four people to contact if anyone in the club he belongs to dies; instead of one person phoning to tell 50 people the message and any further details can get passed on quite quickly.

luzdoh Tue 13-Feb-18 14:31:18

MawBroon, Ah well, I don't take advice from people who say "End of". It sounds so stupid and pompous and all the people I know who have said it to me happen to be so ignorant!

Oh! This email did not have a friend's address, it was sent from her business email address so looked like I was being sent a new email from an address I didn't know, wanting to sell me something. I did not recognise the business email address and I do not open emails that look suspect.

MissAdventure Tue 13-Feb-18 14:43:44

luzdoh Thanks for your kind wishes.
I think when someone dies, there is always a risk of people not finding out, or being informed.
I had a lovely handwritten note sent home with my grandson, addressed to my daughter, asking how she was, and if she had maybe changed her number, since the writer had had no response to texts and so on. It was quite wretched to read, and even worse having to phone the lady and tell her.

Oopsadaisy12 Tue 13-Feb-18 14:45:41

Luzdoh, it isn’t helpful to eke out important pieces of information. If you want honest opinions, then at least tell us the full story.

luzdoh Tue 13-Feb-18 14:53:19

Smileless2012 Thank you for such kind words. You have made me feel better! Yes, she said it in front of the Widow at my mother's funeral. Actually I ought to ignore her as she's known to be rather dim! I was trying not to write too much butI should have said by now, her email did not come from her address, it was sent from her business email address so looked like I was being sent a new email from business address I didn't know, wanting to sell me something. I did not recognise the business email address and I do not open emails that look suspect. Sorry but I actually didn't remember until my daughter reminded me!
The man who died and his lovely wife did so much to help my mum who had Alzheimer's, so I had grown to love them very much and went to school with their daughter who also nursed my Dad when he was dying. This person and my cousin (much older than I) were in the habit of using staying at my house on their periodic visits near me, when they had to come to my region for other reasons. They said it was a chance for free b&b to see me. She would always phone to arrange these visits! I might have given away my attitude to her now, but I did get hurt when she made it appear in front of a very dear friend that I hadn't bothered to notice her husband had died.
I may give up this thread no as I've learned a lot THANKS ALL! and will try to explain all the circs more clearly in future!

luzdoh Tue 13-Feb-18 14:55:37

"give up no" = "give up now". Sorry!

MawBroon Tue 13-Feb-18 15:16:51

I would not have said that I am either stupid or pompous and those who know me would I hope, agree. But as the GNetter possibly the most recently bereaved I will reiterate that if you have an email address, open the emails . Not to do so is like ignoring a letter because it MIGHT be junk mail
It seems to me that you know you were in the wrong but rather than blush and admit it, you are casting around for somebody else to blame (Methinks she doth protest too much)
And quoting Readers Digest? Really? grin
And to add to your etiquette list, a handwritten letter or even a card with a few words inside are both much more acceptable. In the weeks following Paw’s death I was too shattered to talk on the phone, both physically and emotionally wrung out and the tears came all too readily.

Don’t come all high and mighty, your story has evolved as the posts have progressed and you must know you were in the wrong and that yes, you need to check your emails in future.
“End of” is a perfectly acceptable way of saying “end of the subject” didn’t you find that in your indispensable guide to 21st century etiquette?

MawBroon Tue 13-Feb-18 15:37:34

Out of interest you refer to “three awful emails”
What were the other two, may I ask?

luzdoh Tue 13-Feb-18 15:49:00

BlueBell Thanks! Wise words! I found out - DD reminded me - her email was disguised as she sent it from their business email address which I didn't recognise. As you said it's time to forget it now! many thanks!

MawBroon Tue 13-Feb-18 16:16:04

I suppose in the absence of support for your argument luzdoh you might as well take some good advice and move on Good luck
And don’t forget to check your emails in future grin

luzdoh Tue 13-Feb-18 16:18:18

MawBroon; I refer you to my message to Smiless2012
Naturally a thread of discussion will give more details throughout, in order to explain points raised. I apologise, but I had to be reminded (by DD) about how she sent the email. I wasn't focussing on that when I first wrote. Concerning your feelings following your father's death, for which I am very sorry: Both my parents and my husband have died. I will repeat for your benefit, I would not expect a close family member to deal with the dissemination of the news. The emailer lived a few doors away from the grieving family and took it on herself to inform a few people including me. She was often in touch with me by phone.
There is no comparison between the person who notified me by email of this death with anyone who has just lost their father, yourself included. I think you have not been reading properly what has been explained.
As I said, I think enough has been said now. I fear you could be turning this into a personal argument so I will decline to answer your remarks from hereon.

Oopsadaisy12 Tue 13-Feb-18 16:27:15


MawBroon Tue 13-Feb-18 16:33:11

FFS Not my Fathers death luzdoh
If you had read anything about or by me recently you would realise that Paw was my DH who died before his time last November.
Forgive me if my feelings are raw but 3 months is not long.

Farmor15 Tue 13-Feb-18 16:43:00

I think the extra information that e-mail was sent from a business address puts a different angle on the thread. I’m a bit wary of emails from unknown person, especially if title is a bit vague.
Sorry Luzdoh that discussion has deteriorated to personal argument.

luzdoh Tue 13-Feb-18 16:56:07

MawBroon Oh my dear Girl! I am so sorry! I thought Paw meant your 'Pa' as in father. No, I'm still quite new, so I haven't read anything about you. You must be in dreadful pain. Like yours, my husband died very suddenly. He was in his mid 50s, it was 11th November, so when poppies come around I can never stop feeling the pain. My husband died before my parents, and it was long ago, but it is like yesterday in so many ways. I'm so very sorry for you MawBroon and I do hope my replies, which were quite "teacherish" as I tried to get through my first experience of explaining the first discussion I initiated, did not hurt you. I thought you were just being extra feisty! I really am so very sorry for any pain I may have caused, I would not have done it for the world. I was also very wobbly about the email and her sarcasm because it happened at my own mother's funeral, so, I learned of his death, was derided, all while waiting for the hearse with my mother's coffin. Probably it combines to be bigger than it really ought to be. I honestly think now I've talked to everyone, I can get over it now. I really did forget why I didn't see the email, that it came from their business address. It was by chance my DD phoned and I asked her if she remembered anything about it and she said. It's of no matter now. What matters is that you take care of yourself. They say it's hard the first year, but you need to be extra kind to yourself for the rest of your life in my experience. Let's be friends. We have something so big in common. Who cares about my stupidity over an email? Take care of yourself and really, I am sorry if I hurt you. With much loveflowers

MawBroon Tue 13-Feb-18 16:57:15

Thank you luzdoh

winterwhite Tue 13-Feb-18 17:19:02

I disagree that the onus was on luzdoh to have checked her emails. Email communication can be dicey - people’s servers can be down, their computers malfunctioning, messages sent to junk etc Unwise to assume that an email sent is an email received. This was an unfortunate accident and the remark made to Luzdoh later about checking her emails was uncalled for IMO. And yes a note by post would have been more appropriate, also IMO

MawBroon Tue 13-Feb-18 17:33:27

Letters too can get lost in the post.

luzdoh Tue 13-Feb-18 19:01:53

Unreservedly MawBroon total Pax. (Is that Pax totalis or something? A bit too long ago now for me, and I gave it up as I didn't like the teacher!) I Do hope you have plenty of friends and family to comfort and help you, it is early days -yet people do somehow forget in the bustle of everyday life. The Minister at my husband's funeral said it's the second year that's harder. People expect you to be back to normal then and support drops away. Lots of love.

luzdoh Tue 13-Feb-18 19:06:56

Oopsadaisy12 you know what I mean!

luzdoh Tue 13-Feb-18 19:18:12

MawBroon I know this is only 3 months since, just realised, my last sentence above sounded as if I thought you were into the second year. Sorry - so much for trying to say things concisely!

MawBroon Tue 13-Feb-18 19:18:23

I can’t even imagine the second year Luzdoh!
I get the feeling that just because I am not bursting into tears all over the place in public (saving that for alone at night, or coming back to an empty house) some people think I am “getting over it” already. I ask you!
Paw died in the early hours of Nov 10. and I can say I have no recollection of that Remembrance Sunday at all. Next year will be the first sad anniversary.
It was all very unreal.
But just as I imagine you would be, I found myself trying to “let people down” lightly. A neighbour from across our village green somehow hadn’t heard - probably because she has enough on her plate as her DH is in the throes of chemo for widespread cancer. She had seen the ambulance outside our house the previous week and cheerfully asked “Everything OK ?”
I felt so bad telling her No, we had lost him and I could only sympathise and yes,understand her predicament because your own personal tragedies tend to block out the rest of the world.