New family boundaries

Please stop looking on this as a competition. You WON'T win.

Your situation comes up in one guise or another quite often and the replies people will give you can only come from their own experience so are going to be of all kinds. You say how about some advice, well mine is bide your time a bit it is very early days, I understand how much you want to get in there and help and have some cuddles and hopefully this will happen soon. A new mother almost inevitably wants her mum around if that is possible. If you have got on with everyone up to now then just keep smiling and enjoy your times with baby as they occur.

I think that most new mums would prefer the company of their own mother to mil. Your time will come but if you make a fuss over this now you could make yourself the loser.

My daughter and her husband did not want anyone else around once they were home from hospital with the first new baby.
When the second baby was due I was much in demand before the event, but once they came home from hospital, they wanted to bond as a little family of four.
So everyone is different.
I had very little help with my babies after the first few days.

My DIL, on the other hand, has always been very close to her family from the word go. They spend every Christmas together too.

Dear Newbiedoobie, welcome to Gransnet!

Lots of points of view here and some do sound a little judgemental and some are very helpful, do just take the replies you like - as you have done, I think.

In our case, my son-in-laws parents have ‘adopted’ the role of ‘premier’ grandparents (ghastly expression). They stay frequently, 5 days out of 14, and actually said when we all went on holiday that ‘they were there to look after the children’ and that we weren’t needed!

After several years, and three children, our daughter has said that she appreciates their help but that she also wants time to see us more. I was worried that the PiLS were being too pushy and would drive the happy couple to emigrate!

It is hurtful when the ‘pushier’ granny takes over and seems to think that there is a competition of love. She openly has said several times that she wants to be the ‘best granny’ in the world. Somewhat hurtful when I’m actually in the room!

It’s absolutely not a competition, love can and does grow and children can love lots of people. My advice is to never criticise the in-laws and don’t get hurt by them. Enjoy your grandchild and don’t worry too much about other people. ?

I think you are over-reacting. There's obviously a mother/daughter bond there and when her mother has to return home, then your time will come. But it's a little over the top to expect"equal opportunities" with your new grandchild when this little baby was only born 4 weeks ago. And maybe close off the idea of thinking about difficulties between you son and daughter in law brought on by her visit.....those kinds of thoughts need to be discarded immediately before they take root in your head. Things will work out - but don't turn this into a full blown drama!

It seems strange to assume dils mum is there to cook for a fully functioning adult, and it seems she is not!

mawbroon
The other granny is in the house presumably to offer some help, common courtesy would be to cook a meal for someone returning from work.
This applies to anyone, of any gender, if you are at home you can give the pleasure to the workers of a welcome meal at the end of the day.

I would not be happy to watch someone, male or female, cook when I had time to do it for them while they worked.
It is not because of the gender or any outdated views.

If it was Grandad staying with his daughter then I would say that he should cook for anyone returning from work.

My husband did more than equal share of housework and childcare in the past.

However now I am at home and he works I think it is fair that I do the evening meal.

I would expect any of my adult sons to do the same for their Father should they be at home on his return from work and he would do the same for them or me.

Our family is not "every man for himself".
It is called being thoughtful.

Try not to worry over this. I felt threatened by my SIL mother when my first grandchild was born as she drove a car, had more money , was fitter than me (gym fanatic) wasn't working as I had to. Even though i live only 4 miles away and she lived 30. She spent as much time as poss with him until he was 15 months old. It grated on me a bit and I was determined to dislike her because of it, but then , much out of the blue and to everyone's shock she died of undiagnosed lung cancer ( she smoked heavily). Now he , and his little sister have only me as grandmother! My SIL was traumatised by her death and it reflected on all family. It has taken me 10 years to come to terms with how much I wanted myself to dislike that woman.And she was perfectly nice and caring! And I mourn my grandchildren's and SIL loss. Don't begrudge her.... she won't be at their house for much longer and you can be there to help when and where it's needed. Be patient.

GabriellaG

I bled for 6 weeks after birth and I was Aneamic due to the loss of blood and ended up on strong iron tablets, I had second degree tears too so had to have stitches. I also left hospital 6 hours after giving birth.

That was my best birth out of 2.
It's also not a completion and don't get a medal just because you coped better than others

Thank you for all the responses. A bit of a mixed bag! I think from these comments I am going to take the sit tight advice and hope my time will come.
This was my first post in the group and I’ve been a little shocked at the bluntness of some posters! I thought advice would be practical and supportive, but seems more aggressive than that. I’m not going to bother correcting the incorrect assumptions that have been made.
I would like to thank those that have responded with good sound and balanced advice. Thank you.

There are a lot of negative comments here but I can entirely relate to how you are feeling. Exactly the same thing happened to me. I accepted that my daughter in law preferred her mother to be there but I did wonder why my son was coming home from work and making endless cups of tea, doing the housework and cooking dinner while her mother was there. Her mother could stay with them as she is alone but they do not have room for the two of us so we got to see our granddaughter for maybe 2 hours at a time. I made up my mind that I would be positive about this and not cause any tension. I think the more people who love a child the better. I decided that relationships are not about quantity but about quality and that I would be the Granny not seen very often but the fun granny. Nearly three years down the line I still do not see my GD as often as I would like but when I do we have a special bond. We have fun and as the saying goes it is short and sweet! As children grow they are more discerning and if you are careful you will turn into the person they want to see.

If mum and daughter are close it is natural for them to want to be near each other after the birth.
I do not think there will be any wedges now or later, why should there? why not ask your son how he feels about his MIL being there in such early days following the birth of your granddaughter surely it must be a relief knowing his wife is not on her own all day.

I feel for you OP. Is this your first grand-child? Do you have a daughter? I do think the bond between mother and daughter is a different one to that between mother and son. I have observed that it can be thought (by those without sons) that a mother's relationship with her son is somehow less than that between mother and daughter. (In my experience it is different and the old adage "a son is a son til he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for all of her life" still rings true). If other Granny doesn't have a son or DiL is her only child, I can see how easy it would be for them not to think about your role and unintentionally to 'exclude' you. They are in their new baby/grand-child bubble and quite possibly don't want anyone else to be included - they will be so focussed on the baby it is possible they won't have given you a thought. Eventually, other Granny will have to go home and then you will hopefully have the opportunity to become more involved (but only on their terms). Things have changed these days and new mums are expected to be up and about as if nothing much has happened. You have to take new-borns to be weighed or for any concerns to clinic - only one post birth visit from mid-wife at home in our area and as for health visitors - virtually non-existent. So it could be that some of their 'out and about' trips involve taking baby to clinic but also new-borns do sleep a lot (during the day at least) so I guess they are just making the most of this special time. So sorry you feel you are being excluded though and hope things improve for you very soon. I thought fathers are allowed two weeks' paternity leave so perhaps your son will take another week when his MiL goes home. It is so important for Dads to bond with their new-borns too.

It’s very early days though. Quite natural for her mum to be more involved. Just sit back and smile. Be nice. Grandchildren are around (god willing) all your life. Your time will come

I can relate to what you’re saying. you may feel there’s too much involvement from the other grandparent but also, its hurtful for you.. Perhaps you could ask your son, actually when would be a good time to visit...or would they like to come to you.. put the ball in his court a bit...and let him know as calmly as you can, that you’d like to spend time with them. Otherwise I think you’ve got to let them get on with it and as mothers of sons, we maybe do draw the short straw with involvement. Your son is adult and needs to sort his own life out and bear in mind that your grandchild will be there for a long time...there’s plenty of opportunity in the coming years.

I agree with those who say that daughters often turn to the Mum rather than the MiL. She probably feels more relaxed around her own mum, especially if she is breastfeeding, sore or just very tired.

I cerainly spent more time with my daughters children when they were babies. My two DiLs both had their own mums to turn to.

Now that the grandchildren are older it is much more even. The most important thing is not to let your unhappiness show. A good relationship with your DiL, when she is in this early stage of motherhood will pay huge dividends later.

I feel lucky to get on really well with my DiLs and my SiL. I think the secret of good in laws is to expect nothing from them and show gratitude when they are kind to you. It is a shame that your son is feeling a bit pushed out, but I would encourage him to understand how his wife is feeling.

All good advice above, other granny will go home soon and then your help will be appreciated. Have to say don't think other granny is being that helpful if son still has to come home and cook meal - he'll have more then enough opportunities to do that in the very near future, plus a lot more!

God my dss would hate anyone messing about in their kitchens especially me or their mils. They love to cook and would have felt very irritated at the frankly 1950s view that a women had a meal waiting for them.

Post the birth of my grandchildren of course my dils mums helped out as did I but cooking was down to my sons.

But then I didn’t raise man children just men.

Cannot understand why your son has to come home and do the work and cook the meal, when I supported my DD after the birth, I kept the house clean and cooked the meal.

OP what do you think of all these comments? You say you weren't expecting it to be "like this" so what were you expecting? If I read your post correctly, your DS and DIL are getting at least a couple of days together without her DM. And why would the DM being there mean she's trying to "drive a wedge" between them? A growing number of men are also competent at putting something on the table after work - baby or no baby. And do you know that his MIL never cooks? I'd just bite your tongue and - re your comment "I can't help showing my feelings" - that's not the sign of an adult. If you keep calm, smile and leave be for a bit, I'm sure it'll all come good.

Wow, the first month at home is relaxing? You sound utterly resentful and unreasonable. When my second son was born, my Mum stayed with us for a month. My husband had to work, and she helped with looking after our first child, cooking, home chores. Without her, it would have been so much more difficult. Even with all her help, recuperating after the birth and looking after a very demanding baby was not exactly relaxing. My husband was very grateful. I think the only problem in your situation is in your mind.

When DD had my 1st DGS we had arranged to stay for a week as we lived 70 miles away. DD had an emergency C Section, baby arrived early so it was a mad dash to get to the Hospital. I provided all the transport as DD's OH doesn't drive. I helped out without interfering, DD would have soon put me straight, ran errands, went shopping. Best of all we took them to register baby' birth. Our help was much appreciated but any longer than a week would have been too much, my DD is very independent

gmelon my DD would definitely tell me if I'd overstayed my welcome, yes she wanted me more than Mil although she lived nearer.

When DGS2 was born last year I had moved to about 10 miles from DD, I was on hand to do transport & generally help out but I let her choose when she wanted me to go & help. I don't see my DGSs every week as DGS1 is at School (he's 8 next month) & there life is busy but I'm now on hand. Mil & Pil play little part in DGS's lives as they rarely visit, DD usually goes to them once a month for a duty visit.

All relationships are different but DD's usually want their own DM around with Mil taking a bit more of a back seat. Bite your tongue, your time will come as DGC gets older

Paternal not parental!

Violetfloss

'Has stitches still'. 'Still bleeding'.
Goodness me.
Giving birth isn't an illness.
I went home the following day and took over looking after my other 4 children from mum as H was in Norway and drove mum 50 odd miles to her home the following day WITH all the children then back to mine in time for tea.
Not all babies keep you up all night and not all mums are tired out. It's one tiny infant.