New family boundaries

Unfortunately my mom lives too far away to visit often. We may see her once a year. And for a maximum of 1 week. My MIL lives down the road. If rather do everything myself than ask for her help. Reason being is because she isnt supportive of me as a parent or of her son. See only messages when she feels its been a week I two and wants us to bring the kids to visit. Thing is we've picked up on this. We don't want her to babysit either because all she tries to do is change stuff during her time with the kids. She is said to me on occasions before that my mom is the everything. I don't see how she can say that as we never see my mom as much as we see her..

She also has mouths me to their side of the family. Which u have heard heard few things she had said about me. And it hurts.

So in essence, i would rather not have her around that much because a clearly does not like me.

I will always try to include them if a go out to a special place or at birthdays or christmas because I think its only fair to do so. And to Dr them every alternate weekend. But it seems thats not okay with her.

Imagine how my mom feels??

How lucky your DIL is! I had no help at all and didn't even know that babies had to be fed through the night - wondered why our new DS hollered so much all over Christmas after being sent home from hospital on Christmas eve without a blinking clue! Health visitor or midwife or someone finally came the day after boxing day when we were about ready to abandon our new baby and run away! Its not a competition and it IS your DILs Mum and she is so fortunate to have her there. Does seem a bit long for her to stay and a bit OTT 5 days a week, but it makes me feel very sorry for myself and the situation I found myself in with no help at all. Feel a bit sorry for our DS too but he survived and knows nothing of the terrible hunger he experienced for the first few days of his life! Its up to your DIL and DS to have a word with anyone who is overstaying, nowt to do with you I'm afraid and sadly it seems parental grandparents are rarely treated the same as maternal. You'll get your turn.

Good grief OP are you me?? I could have written same except for age of child (our gc a few weeks older). We more or less have to "book" time to see them any other time is not convenient but MIL is there most of time. My son has lost his friends and now slowly his family. I'm just sitting back waiting til mil gets fed up. to cheer you up (cheers me up )

If I were you I would be happy that your daughter-in-law has such a close relationship with her mother. My older son has been married twice and both daughters-in-law have had bad relationships with their mothers resulting in me doing all the child care for five grandchildren. I love them all very much but sometimes it has been a heavy load to carry, especially before I retired. IMHO limited time with grandchildren is quality time that you can plan for and have fun together. It is very early days, your time will come.

I get a slight feeling that you wanting to help isn't to actually help do any chores...it's to cradle the baby while mom does that all so that you get the one on one bonding time with baby. Sounds selfish.

Unmet expectations... that's your first mistake. There is no "I expect/expected xyz"... change your mindset and everything will change too.

"How much time with grandchildren is too much? "

OP - that is your opening sentence and the implication is that you think DIL's ma is spending too much time there. There is an underlying resentment there.

I really hope that you will be able to listen to the comments on here from experienced grandmas (and pas) and us them to help you for the future. It would be so sad if you all got off on the wrong foot together.

Believe me, we all do understand the excitement of a new grandchild!

It sounds not. Your son is cooking which should be done by the other Granny

My SILs are gentle but firm in deflecting me from taking over domestic chores, even cups of tea, just because I am female. Despite demanding careers they are very much equal partners and hands on dads. They would certainly not expect me to do the cooking! Although of course I would offer, but under direction, it is not a granny’s place to “take over” the household.
You are IMO clearly biased as are some other posters, perhaps stuck in an outdated version of marriage and family life.
What do you hope to achieve from this?

It's very normal and common for the mother's mother to stay for a while after the birth, and this will be with your dil's blessing, otherwise either she would have sent her mum home, or she would have enlisted your son's help to get her to go or something. I think if your son and you were to initiate getting rid of this other gran that would be MORE likely to drive a wedge between them. She will go home one day, and the baby won't even remember she was there in his first month. At that point YOU will be the one just nearby and YOU will be the one he gets used to seeing most of the time. Then she may be envious of you and think you're driving a wedge... and so on and so forth. Granny wars lol :D

Just to say we live close to my daughter and help her when she needs it to look after the children when she is at work. So I am a bread and butter grandma. The other Nanna lives at a distance and sees them for fun family get togethers . So she is seen as a fun grandparent and I do the common graft. But the children know me very well and I think it gives them a feeling of security knowing we are only 15 mins walk away.

It is usually the daughter in law's mother who helps at first. It is not for you to interfere as it could mean losing any contact with your grandchild.

I am sorry you are feeling left out but I am not sure that the other granny is driving a wedge between your son and DIL unless your son has said something. You may be deflecting a bit here. What I can say is competitive grandparenting never ends well.

My suggestion would be you continue to keep in touch regularly and offer help. Are you local to your son and DIL? Maybe you could invite them over for a meal or offer to bring food over. That always goes down well and surely the DILs mum is not going to move in permanently for 5 out of 7 days? The baby is still quite little and I know in the early days many babies struggle to get into a feeding and sleeping routine so I am sure your DIL is glad of the help. No reason for you not to keep offering help yourself though. I think you will find that things will settle down after a while and you will see a lot of the baby. Don't for goodness sake make an issue of it as it will taint your relationship with your DIL.

I have 2 DDs and my youngest has a 2 and a half year old little girl and is expecting another in May. Luckily both us and my son in laws parents all live in the same town as my DD and SIL so we all get to see a roughly equal amount of our granddaughter.

Is the other Granny actually helping with household stuff? It sounds not. Your son is cooking which should be done by the other Granny. Sge is not exsctly running the house well if she cant provide a meal.
Maybe it's not as rosy as it appears.
My mother stayed after I gave birth to my third son and did nothing at all.
She expected meals served to her including her choice of bread etc to be bought specially.
From the outside she fostered the impression that she was helping me.
My poor husband was run off his feet. I was exhausted . She sauntered down evety day after a sound nights sleep and sat at table waiting for breakfast then asked about my plans for us going out that day.
Meanwhile I struggled with a newborn and two infant age sons to get to school and back.
I honestly don't think she had any idea that she was supposed to help, the visit was all about her. She lived 400 miles away and our circumstances and home were much better than hers. It was like a (free) full board holiday for her.
She told everyone she stayed and to this day they assume she helped.
Stupidly we catered for her and just prayed she'd go home.

It’s only natural for her to stay with her d and help with the new baby. I am sure that she will leave when she feels she is not needed. I wish my mum could have stayed with me but she was very ill she came as often as she could but had suffered with arthritis for years and couldn’t hold my d unless she was sitting on the sofa her hands were to painful
My mil worked but she came to see her gd as much as she could.

Is your son complaining to you?

Is he one of those men who when asked what he wants for dinner says 'I'll see what I fancy when I get in'.

Is he someone who likes to cook?

You present this as if he is distressed by it. If he is, that is his business to sort out.

If he is happy with the way things are then leave well alone.

Maybe you feel left out and are projecting your feelings on to him, that is for you to resolve.

Maternal family seems to take preference over paternal in most cases we see on here when people feel sidelined.

While your DIL is full of hormones, this is not time to rock the boat, bide your time and see how things work out.

You could make things so much worse for everyone concerned by interfering now.

Newbiedoobie

Looking at your post and the answers, I'd be tempted if I were you to get out more and enjoy yourself. You have offered to help, what more can you do ? You could enquire about the baby and how the Mother is - don't waste your time feeling unhappy about the situation.

I think NewbieDoobie has brought her feelings of hurt here to get some sympathy and it must have taken a bit of courage. So let's be understanding. Whatever the circumstances, this new Gran is feeling excluded and not as happy as she had expected to be with a new grandchild. As a mother of three daughters, I have tried to be very aware of the SiLs' mothers and not be territorial so I do sympathise with the OP's feelings, while agreeing that things will get better.

It is understandable that she wants her mother there just after the baby has been born.
Your son will survive having to make his own meal for a few weeks. Working mothers do it.
Unless she is going to be there for a long time, you will have more time with the baby after she goes home as you will be closer.
Relax. Don't encourage your son to feel hard done by. He is not a victim. You could easily create rifts now that you will regret. You have offered to help and she doesn't feel that she needs any more with her mum there. Offer again when her mother is not there but in a relaxed way.

For crying out loud all these DDs and double DDs are doing my head in ??
And yes in answer to your question newbiedoobie you are being unreasonable it’s up to your son and daughter to sort their life out and not up to you to feel ‘sorry’ for him it’s his choice of wife ( has he complained to you) They are starting out as a family, the other grandparents will be off soon and then they ll be thinking only you get a look in, just be patient and don’t be seeing bad where bad doesn’t exist

DS does not take after DH in that respect, although DH does 'have a go'.

Sorry got my DDs mixed up. I was with DD2.

I was with DD1 when she was home with her baby, her Mil just visited but understood that I was the one that DD2 wanted. Due to hot weather and breast feeding troubles she was half undressed most of the time and really did not want visitors.

DD1 is midwife and needed nobody, preferring to be alone with baby at first and I visited after a week.

jalima or mine Agee I snd my dds are shocking cooks while dh and the dss are amazing and territorial

Thank the Lord

And how do you know they just had a relaxing time at home?

That sounds quite unbelievable 4 weeks after a new baby arrived

Has he always done the cooking? I think my DS would be horrified if his MIL took over 'his' kitchen! Or me, apart from a little light washing up.