Is it usual to go off sex at 65

I remember it being said when I was young (many many years ago!) that women give sex to get love and men give love to get sex. Don't completely agree with this but do think it is a give and take situation. I think it is equally difficult for the one who wishes for sexual intimacy as it is for the one who doesn't, and one is not necessarily male and the other female. It can and does work both ways.

A cup of tea and a hobnob'll do me, thanks.

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Germaine Greer in her book The Change stated that she thought after 30 years sex with hubby you should be allowed to stop if you want.
Most women would feel different if they had a lovely young, fit and handsome man in bed.
but they havent!

Personally I'd rather have a cup of tea!?

We have had this discussion on GN about 4 years ago and Guess what? it landed in a newspaper in an article about sex in later years.
I also used it for a personal survey as I doing a course in psychology and needed practice in surveys. I came to the result that more than 50% were not interested. GN in their article had quite different result in that we were all very much into sex even after 60 and with medication to help.

My survey was just notes in a notebook and a calculater nothing came onto my computer.

But be careful the next article will be written. This is the subject newspapers like best.

Are you some kind of researcher MagicBubble? Do you work for BANT?
Your contribution sounds very like advice from someone who knows not a lot about ageing and has wandered on to patronise and give unwanted advice. This thread is a positive one in that many contributors have been able to express honestly how they feel about ageing, sex and relationships.
"get it right and you might be chasing him round the bedroom!" - give us a break. Many contributors have referred to various significant health problems. Sex is an important part of a loving relationship but it isn't the only important thing, as this thread confirms.

So glad to see this discussion . After 35 years and a very healthy and enjoyable sex life with DH my libido seems to have fallen off a cliff recently.We have been intimate about 1/2 a month,and when we make the effort it can still be enjoyable but I've often gone to bed hoping DH won't try to initiate anything because I'm simply too tired,or worried about dryness despite using a good lubricant.Sylk. It was becoming a bit of an elephant in the room as I was worrying DH was frustrated,but after a frank discussion turns out he's not as inclined either,and worries about maintaining an election as a couple of times lately hasn't been able to.It was a huge relief to discuss it.And he admitted it took the pressure off him.We've both had a lot of 'stuff' going on with elderly parents,jobs etc so that impacts too probably.
We both agreed we're happier than ever together,to just relax and cuddle and not make penetrative sex the be all and end all.If anything were more affectionate in other ways so if we are not red hot in bed so be it.And neither of us feel the need to go down the Viagra,extra this and that route.But I'd hate to be in a situation where there was a big difference in desires.And where my partner didn't respect my feelings.So sorry to hear your situation Linnie. You deserve so much more.

I am aware of women from age 30 onwards who lose interest in sex

On the other hand I once asked a Gran of 80+ "when do you lose interest in sex ?" and she replied - "you will have to ask someone older than me"

I am convinced that the underlying basis is chemical, and depends on your balance of hormones, including high levels of Estrogen and low levels of Progesterone and Testosterone

This is true for both women and men, although the levels are obviously different !

Men often want to express their feelings through the physical act of sex, which they use to establish intimacy and bonding and to show their commitment

If a man loses his ability to "perform" it can be devastating for both him and the relationship, so the woman should be very supportive at such a difficult time

Diet, weight and exercise play a major part. If the woman is overfeeding them both then sex and intimacy may suffer, so there are things that she might be able to do to help them both by helping them lose weight.

If you both lose a little weight and take even a little exercise you will be very surprised at the effect on the libido and sexual performance for both women and men.

If there is a major mis-match in libido, then you both might consider a visit to your doctor, or even a Nutritional Therapist ( Search for a BANT practitioner near you who is knowledgeable about hormones )

Today everyone has way too much Estrogen, and a BANT practitioner is probably the best person to help you identify it and reduce it.

Exercise and a little extra Testosterone can make a big difference to an older man, both physically and for his "joie de vivre". You would be surprised what a little Progesterone cream can do to re-vitalise a woman's libido - get it right and you might be chasing him round the bedroom !
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Grampie
Wise words.

I agree Luckygirl. But it's so easy to get into an unhealthy pattern with this.

Linnie Please get out now, go to a refuge, get help. If you can't find your local one on the internet ring Citizens advice. This is not normal and you should not be treated like this.

I do not think that anyone should "force oneself to keep the peace" - I cannot find that at all acceptable as a concept. It is entirely wrong in principle. It is very bizarre that a husband should be happy to continue with something that it is clear his partner is not enjoying. I can appreciate that there can be an imbalance and differing needs, but to basically force yourself on your partner is out of order.

There is supposed to be an element of mutual pleasure and consideration for your partner, and if this is absent it is not acceptable to continue. A discussion about differing needs and how to find a way through this - yes; but just to bash on when someone is not enjoying it - definitely no.

I hesitate to say that there is a word for this.

Just another thought...if you reach a stage where you need aphrodisiacs...viagara.... ky jelly .... isn’t it nature telling you to JUST LET IT GO!! You find out it’s just NOY important enough!

Hi, another one who's lost it in the last couple of years and I'm 61. Although my OH is 11 years older he seems to be up for it all the time and it is certainly a problem because of our differing needs in this. He's happily retired and I'm still working so I'm tired and just want to rest. But he seems oblivious to it and I do occasionally force myself once a week to keep the peace. But it's not ideal and I definitely feel used as others have indicated. 2nd marriage for us both and I'm just waiting for him to slow down with it. Like others I just rather read a book. Linnie please find the courage to get out of this situation. You won't realise until you're out of it how distructive and toxic it is for you. Sending hugs x

My husband lost his sex-drive totally at 50! I was 46... it came as an enormous shock to me and for two years we tried ‘all sorts’...even viagara , which didn’t work! Doctor said if viagara doesn’t work then it’s his head telling his body he didn’t want this anymore.We struggled and I bitched about it for couple years and then regretfully ‘settled’ for a celibate life. We’re still together...I haven’t had affairs, and now as I approach 70 I think it was the best thing that could’ve happened. To be honest I think in a naturalistic way...if you can no longer produce children then sex should quite naturally ‘die off’. We are all too wrapped up in this stuff and it’s sll so totally pointless .

I seem to be in a different situation to most others.
I had been married to someone who even Viagra could not help therefore the problem must have been psychological. He did not understand how unhappy I was or what he could have done about it. He was also controlling.
I left about 20 years ago and never thought I would ever be involved with anyone ever again. I had a lot of emotional stress and family troubles as well as a job so was only just able to cope. Older persons all died, DCs grew up. I was diagnosed with a nasty illness which causes very horrible side effects. I definitely had no chance of meeting anyone.
Some months ago I met someone. He is divorced a violent marriage. He was not the violent one! We were both shy and unaccustomed but months later we have just about got over all the shyness and are having all sorts of fun with outings and also at home. I am mid 60s and he is younger. It is such a nice thing to happen for both of us.

I used to use ky jelly post menopause which was very helpful but they must have changed the recipe as it now seems to get hot and almost burn sensitive areas which is uncomfortable and not at all helpful! I now use Boots lubricating jelly which is just fine. Don't know if that will help you or not

Linnie please, please, please get out of this situation if you can. You are a worthwhile person and you can have happiness and a fulfilling life ahead of you, use the support on GN to help you take it in your hands.

I have been on both sides at various times of my life: wanting but not getting, and getting but not wanting. Neither is easy, but as many people have said it is something which needs to be discussed - not ignored. Getting but not wanting can be very destructive, because you feel that you should be making the effort, but you also feel used. Wanting but not getting can also become destructive - because you feel unwanted and the physical need can become overpowering. Solo sex is not the same.

My husband is 63 and I am 67. We haven't had sex for over 13 years. He has never been very affectionate try. I do to cuddle him in bed but he doen't respond. Part of the problem was, because of childbirth my vagina became very loose.

LinnieMA
Please leave or contact women’s refuge centre find there number on the Internet you are 50 years old don’t put up with anymore they will help you or look in the lady magazine I think number is there . You need a life for yourself
Good Luck don’t wait another day
Betty Boo

Are you on any type of antidepressant or anti anxiety meds. Even a small dose can affect people. It may tell you on the leaflet. Maybe you are doing too much and are tired. Use hubby as a workout instead of the gym.

My husband at just 70 has at last slowed down phew! On the topic of dryness I use a product called Sylk, it’s a totally natural product with no nasties and you can buy it over the internet and even get a free sample. Lovely to use as it’s very thin and not thick like KY. even better you can get it on prescription which I do and use about two small bottles a year. Worth trying.

I believe that, in devout Jewish marriages, the man takes his cue from his wife and the teachings advise compliance on the man's part.